The word “codependent” gets thrown around a lot. There are codependent couples, codependent companions, and codependent caretakers. But what does codependent actually mean — and is it really all that bad?

What Is Codependency?

“Codependency is typically discussed in the context of substance use, where one person is abusing the substance, and he or she depends on the other person to supply money, food, or shelter. But codependency is much broader than that,” says Jonathan Becker, DO, an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee.

“Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore," Dr. Becker says. "Your mood, happiness, and identity are defined by the other person. In a codependent relationship, there is usually one person who is more passive and can’t make decisions for themselves, and a more dominant personality who gets some reward and satisfaction from controlling the other person and making decisions about how they will live.”

According to Mental Health America, codependency is often referred to as "relationship addiction," in that codependent people tend to form and become dependent on unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships.

“Codependency becomes problematic when one person is taking advantage of the other financially or emotionally,” Becker says. What's behind this behavior, though, is typically subconscious — one person is not necessarily knowingly trying to manipulate the other, even if that's the outcome. Similarly, a person who defines themself through the relationship may not be doing so in a conscious way. Gaining awareness of the subconscious motivations at work is key to improving the situation.

Enabling is a sign of an unhealthy codependence. This takes support for your partner to a problematic level by helping them avoid negative consequences of their own behavior, according to the Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation. Enabling behavior, which is rarely seen in healthy relationships, includes bailing your partner out (of jail or financial problems), repeatedly giving him or her another chance, ignoring the problem, accepting excuses, always being the one trying to fix the problem, or constantly coming to the rescue in other ways.

8 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship

Codependent personalities usually follow a pattern of behaviors that are consistent, problematic, and directly interfere with the individual’s emotional health and ability to find fulfillment in a relationship. “Signs of codependency include excessive caretaking, controlling, and preoccupation with people and things outside ourselves,” says Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, a consultant, educator, and author of numerous books, including Understanding Codependency.

Signs of codependency include:

Difficulty making decisions in a relationship
Difficulty identifying your feelings
Difficulty communicating in a relationship
Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

Is Codependency a Mental Health Disorder or Diagnosis?

Having a codependent personality is not currently considered a diagnosable mental health condition. But there is some overlap between codependent traits and some of the 10 personality disorders that are recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the guide used by mental health professionals for diagnosis.

For instance, people with both borderline personality disorder and dependent personality disorder may have an intense fear of abandonment. And people with dependent personality disorder can have trouble making decisions on their own, or asserting themselves with their partners, and often put their relationships above their own well-being.

Is a Codependent Relationship Really That Bad?

Not all codependent relationships turn sour, Becker says. “Any healthy relationship will have some codependency and give and take,” he explains. For example, it's reasonable if one partner looks to another for advice or guidance on a major decision, he says.

But if you seek out, maintain, or even feed off relationships that are not fulfilling or healthy, you could be codependent. Once codependency is identified, it can be successfully treated, Becker says. Here's how.

Pursue counseling. “Talk to a mental health provider to help rebuild your sense of self and realize why you rely so much on the other person,” Becker says. Codependency results from a failure to set personal boundaries, and learning how to do that — through therapy — is essential to healing.

Consider couples therapy. Sometimes the relationship can be helped or even saved by couples therapy to reduce codependency, Becker says.

Reconnect with friends and family. “Being in a codependent relationship can lead to isolation, which fuels the loss of self,” Becker says. “Call or email those people from whom you've distanced yourself, and start to rebuild these relations.”

Carve out “you time.” “If you once enjoyed music and gave up lessons or practicing, pick up where you left off,” Becker suggests. “Return to doing the things you once enjoyed before you became so enmeshed with the other person.”

Seek treatment for substance abuse. “If you are abusing drugs or alcohol, talk to your doctor about treatment options,” he says. “This holds for the other partner, too, as there are support groups and resources for family members affected by substance abuse, such as Al-Anon.”

Additional reporting by Denise Mann.