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Over the years, as I learned more about my bipolar, I realized that impaired judgment and angry outbursts are symptoms of bipolar disorder.
When I learned this, part of me felt relieved. Like “I’m not just this angry, insensitive jerk.”
There was a reason for me having a lower stress tolerance and getting more easily frustrated. I even shared this with some family members and close friends.
I remember this one time, years ago, when one of my kids refused to take out the trash. I got really angry—too angry. And she just stood there, looking at me. I perceived this as defiance, which made me even angrier.
My wife put her hand on my shoulder and motioned toward the dining room:
“You need to calm down. You are being scary intense right now,” she said, “She’s not saying anything because you are so angry, it is scaring her.”
I felt so ashamed.
And then I said, “Well, I can’t help it, I have bipolar.”
The truth is, I was in a deep depression and did not realize how badly this was affecting my family, my work, and my quality of life.
Having bipolar is not a free pass for temper tantrums and destructive choices.
So, what do we do with that painful recognition?
First, it’s important to not let this recognition take you down the rabbit hole.
Know that there is a difference between “I said or did a horrible thing” and “I am a horrible person.”
My father struggled with severe depression. One of the greatest things he ever modeled was to give yourself time and space to cool off.
Instead of blowing up, he would quietly step up from the table, excuse himself, and leave the room for a few minutes.
He didn’t slam doors or storm out of the room, yelling a parting shot. And he always came back later to calmly discuss the issue.
Find a way to relieve the pressure safely:
Punch a pillow.
Go sit in your car and yell for a few minutes.
Write it down on a piece of paper, then rip it up and throw it away.
Finally, learn to make amends.
Acknowledge your behavior ask for forgiveness and make a sincere effort to do differently. This can be really difficult to do face-to-face, so consider making some notes before having the conversation.
Resist the urge to justify your behavior or make excuses. And be prepared to give the other person permission to feel what they feel.
These steps are really hard. And they take practice. Just remember, in the bphope community, we are on this journey together.
I so appreciate your courage and transparency And I learn a lot from our interactions. I would really like to hear what has worked for you:
Have you ever said, “I can’t help it, I’m bipolar!” What have you done to grow beyond that?
Originally posted April 27, 2016
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I got my meds all messed up. Then I had a huge work stressor that never ends and a family stressor that’s just beginning. Not excuses but an explanation. I blew up at a guy and leveled him with my words. I was so ANGRY! It was awful. When I calmed down, I felt absolutely horrible. I’ve been trying to get my meds straightened out. And hoping this will calm me back down. 😞
Just awesome. I can identify wholeheartedly. Giving my son’s mom the space she needs has been the toughest emotionally for me. I lashed out her, no physical contact, but at 6’4″ 285, I really scared her. We haven’t spoke in 3 years. And I’ve been at my lowest since. I’ve been in a depression ever since. At 57, and no longer make excuses for my diagnosis, I am only left to pray and forgive myself.
Sorry but punch a pillow, yell in your car are not real solutions to defuse anger. At lease not in this decade. Remove yourself from the situation for awhile, even if it’s an hour that does work.
Thank you for an excellent post and all your insightful comments.
For me, recognizing my disproportionate degree of anger to the situation and the speed at which it overtakes me is an ongoing battle. For family and close friends, I tell them that I’m getting far angrier than the situation warrants and I’m giving myself a time out. I then go outside and into nature (whenever possible), do some “constructive destruction” like weeding my garden or ferociously cleaning something. Again, recognizing my initial 0-60mph anger response is the toughest step for me.
Also, I have heard/read that anger is actually a secondary emotion to fear. Some examples: you become angry at the driver who cut you off because you are actually fearful that this person could have killed you or you become angry when your children misbehave/talk back/are defiant because you are scared that indicates you are a bad parent and you failed them. Is anyone else aware of this concept? Often I find that if I can explore the fear that might be causing my anger then it helps to diffuse the anger.
Just my 2 cents….
I totally agree with what you just commented on. Just this morning I felt very impressed in my spirit that my angry outburst last night at my husband was anxiety and fear of something that was very trivial. Yet that fear overtook me. I took a ride on that fear and told my husband I couldn’t help it as it was the bipolar. I realized this morning I have a choice. I can ride with the fear or choose to take a few deep breaths and take myself to a place of peace and reassessment of the situation. I pray to the Lord to give me another perspective and to see my situation and myself through His eyes and allow His peace to over power my reactions.
Just my 2 cents as well.
Jon’s example is interesting. I have Bipolar I manic depressive illness, and I don’t associate that level of irrational rage (such as, about his daughter’s taking out the trash) with depression. I associate it with mixed state/mixed manic, or hypomanic states. For me, depression is more like endless irritability but not spectacular rage.
Guess it’s different for everyone! As for having “no excuses” for one’s behavior when one is actually *crazy*, a state of mind that does happen with bipolar disorder sometimes… That’s a bit much. Folks with bipolar need to learn about our disorder and try to manage it, but asking us to do anger the way non-bipolars do anger is unrealistic and can lead to shame and self-blame.
Society needs to learn, too, and to have compassion. Someone who is going through a terrible, traumatic time might need a little more leeway from others (his wife has cancer, he just lost his job, his youngest child got Long Covid). We might let that person behave badly or express anger or even freak out a little. People who grew up experiencing constant trauma, by growing up in a war zone, or having dark skin in a society that punishes people of color simply for existing. Or who grew up gay in an anti-gay society.
A woman in the throes of a massive hormonal change, with wild mood swings and rage accompanying it (this is common in perimenopause, sometimes menopause, sometimes pregnancy). Adolescents, under the sway of huge wild hormonal changes.
Should all these people behave like perfectly well-adjusted 35-year-old white males with nice jobs and a roof over their heads and no mood disorders? What should we tell them? “You’ve had trauma. You have weird hormones surging through you. You have a serious mental illness. Take responsibility! Get those boostraps out! Man up! How dare you express anger?”