There are certain times when being alone doesn’t feel the way it normally does. When sitting in bed trying to find a movie to watch becomes just another way to distract yourself. When having some time to yourself really means that no one wants to be around you. Are they all busy? Or have I become just a routine of annoyance?
Traveling makes me feel something; it reminds me that there is so much more than just what you have in one small bit of the world. For me, when, traveling has always been a sanctuary. The best I can describe it is that of clarity, when you’re floating in water or gazing up at the stars. I know who I am when I’m alone in a new city, but what happens when that cloud of doubt tries to ruin that. Being alone in a city becomes being alone, one in one million.
You have to power through. Find those moments of clarity and keep exploring.
I’ve started to realize that so many people like to think they know what bipolar is.
The perception is that we are manic and depressed. Or irrational, emotional and have no control. The spectrum doesn’t work like that, at least not for me. I think there is so much between just ‘up and down’.
I wrote the previous paragraphs whilst I was studying in London. It was an amazing trip that I was so lucky to be accepted into; studying at what I think is one of the most amazing universities in the world. I was happy for 7 weeks overall – at least that’s what I think. I have a constant battle in my head: I don’t know if what I am feeling is real. I’m hesitant to ‘just go’ with what I’m feeling when it isn’t down. I don’t know if its a mask or am I being lead to an episode. Having spent so many years putting on a mask and hiding how much the smallest tasks were ruining me, I still find it hard to distinguish actual happiness. Sometimes it is easier to be down because its familiar.
It is true that when I travel I feel more together with myself. Perhaps it’s because it’s how I spent my childhood—that was a time before all of this happened, the time before I fell into darkness. But it might be because there are no places that are landmarks of where that darkness tried to take me, where its grip was at its strongest or where even a street can bring back memories. A city with no reminders just places that possibly could be better. There is no negative energy that surrounds a suburb.
Telling people that you don’t trust your emotions often is met with a lot of confusion.
It’s only now that those closest to me are beginning to understand what I’m going through. I often get told how strong I am for what I’ve dealt with, what I struggle with and my perseverance however it is hard to accept it. Especially looking back thinking I spent majority of my teenage years just fighting to survive.
I’ve learned recovery isn’t linear: some days its one step forwards and one thousand steps back. But it’s still one step closer than I was yesterday.
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Beginning medication for bipolar disorder can be overwhelming, but specific strategies and tips can ease the journey. Read on for insights from those who’ve been there. Medication Management Tips for Bipolar Stability Managing your medication well is crucial, and our community has shared some strategies that easily fit into everyday life. Writing in a journal...
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During bipolar depression, finding hope might feel impossible at first. But the good news is that hope is a skill you can learn and strengthen with practice. The extremes of depression and mania are powerful. But so is hope, which shines a light on the darkness, revealing that the way things feel now isn’t permanent....
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Good luck and I wish you continued success author. I think you can make a difference in making bi-polar easier for those who suffer with it or have a loved one that does.
I battled with depression in college and was eventually diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 25 after a manic episode. I was a smart kid and I am a smart man I just have learned to live with my bi-polar and except the limitations that the illness threw at me. I am now 57 graduated college and enjoy my life. It has it’s ups and downs and would not wish bi-polar on my worse enemy.
I hate travel but I enjoy people. Because of bi-polar I have developed a great empathy for people. The hardest problem I have always had was when I escape to myself and vanish from the social scene and people would ask where have I been and I have been battling my demons. I wish would be so easy to say I have bipolar, but the words did not come. The stigma is still out there and even worse we who have such frailties are afraid to admit it or at least I was, even to my closest friends or even just to the people who I wanted to share it with .
It was always hard to get back to a place I felt comfortable with after a battle of depression. But so far I have always gotten back up. After a hypo-manic episode or something my doctor called a manic e[episode recently I came out to more friends. And I was put on medication that let let me lead a better life style .
I am not defined by my illness. On the spectrum of bi-polar I am one of the lucky ones. I have been gainfully employed in the same job since I was 25. I have friends, a supportive family own a condo and I am content with what life has given me. What I want to say to the author of this post and all young people just learning to struggle with bi-polar is there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life may not what you will be expected and there will be challenges perhaps challenges that appear to appear insurmountable but you have to hang in there as best you can.
One needs a good support system, a good doctor, the correct meds, a good therapist if they can find one. It’s a lot to ask but all these thing help. I also found G-d this author travel, to each his or her own.
Good luck every one–
Moey
I could not ask for more. Bun
I appreciate what you’re saying here, or what I think you’re saying. So thanks for that. I’m 60 years old and have battled and enjoyed being bi-polar since I was about 6. I’m curious, what is recovery at its essence, when we speak of bi-polar? I understand the non-linear modality but I just don’t understand the concept of recovery? Do we get better?
“Staying Hopeful”. That is an unhelpful title that belongs in another magazine. Never Hopeful that is true for me.
Never hopeful, born not having that feeling in my repertoire, or perhaps it was from all the mTBI while in ski lessons every weekend for years as a kid, then teaching skiing and snowboarding professionally for decades. Hopeful – nope.
Someone said that the only decision that needs to be made each morning is will I kill myself today ? No. Nope. Not going to do that so a weight is lifted. Maybe that is hope ? That lifting of weight and deciding to live and see what that looks like. Anyway, death is off the table so I’ll do what I can to be cool, get through and be open to every opportunity to laugh. Laughter is best. Oh and the bit about having family or friends support is a joke. No hope and no friends but I am nevertheless worthwhile, often pleasant, always “strong” so.
i particularly liked Elaine’s comment about BP being like a whole orchestra, rather than just one instrument. I spent several years charting my rapid cycling condition 4 times a day until I finally understood the complexity of how many aspects of my life, and my Self, are affected. Now I have a ‘sense’ encompassing a wholism, of how I am on any given day.
One thing you wrote struck home for me deeply; the statement
“Telling people that you don’t trust your emotions often is met with a lot of confusion.”
What most people take for granted, we have to be vigilant about. So many times my emotions and feelings have led me down the wrong path. Then I figured out that if I put my feelings aside and worked almost exclusively with judgement (except when it comes to great food!) I made tremendous progress and my life turned around. For a long time it felt like I had turned a part of me off, but in reality, I had learned to turn down the intensity of my emotions and was able to see more clearly than I ever had before in my life.
Emotions run in two directions, intensity (up and down) and one to another (linearly). When our moods fluctuate our whole emotional spectrum and intensity go out of whack and we get into trouble. Or at least I did.
For a long time, I didn’t know which direction to take because I couldn’t trust my emotions or feelings. It was one step forward and a thousand steps back like you said. And I had gone undiagnosed and untreated until I was 49 and I accidentally diagnosed myself. I realized that I had Cyclothymia. My jaw dropped when I saw the diagnosis and realized that it was describing what I had felt for most of my life. I contacted a psychiatrist and he helped me get on the right medications and the right dosages for me. I have only needed one change and that was to increase my lamictal to 300 from 200 after I realized that the chemotherapy had taken a toll on my moods.
More and more I see that I can navigate the Bipolar waters no matter what curves it throws me. I realize, as so many have told me, that I am strong and resilient. Traits that I have developed over the years and from my extended family who essentially raised me the first 4 years of my life.
On many levels I am grateful for my disorder, it has taught me so much. It is, in my mind, a second soul with which I share this body. It is the soul of a dragon. A magnificent creature, full of passion, energy and drive. By developing a relationship with this dragon, I have learned to live with my condition.