1. On the Buckingham Palace repair bill:
i'd love it if monarchy was overthrown and buckingham palace was just turned into a proper class spoons
2. On killer clowns:
any clown comes anywhere near ma personal bubble get yer fuckin stopwatches out cos usains record is getting shagged
3. On Brexit:
leave voters realising they've absolutely shafted us all but still trying to pretend they're pleased wae the result
4. On the fact Scotland voted to remain:
Wit if Scotland just refuses to leave the eu? Like aw just say naw n tell England "wit ye gonny Dae phone the polis?"
5. On the post-Brexit currency crash:
if leave wins n a wake up in a Great Depression am gonny take a massive run up n fucking punch Nigel Farage back in tae the first wan
6. On the inevitable regret:
England about the EU in a week
7. On England's defeat in the Euros the same week:
England's like a cunt that's just been dumped off his bird then goes on a mad downward spiral an puts ket on his coco pops
8. And on the fact they were booted out by Iceland:
#PeopleMakeGlasgow
Amazing.
9. On booze awareness campaigns:
Said nae cunt to their pal ever
10. On Boris Johnson becoming foreign secretary:
And as we wake up this morning...Glasgow reacts in the only way it feels right...sweet and fitting etc #BorisJohnson
11. On Trump's shock election victory:
Just woke my children up & told them Santa's dead. Don't see why I should be the only one hearing terrible news this morning.
12. On the fact he was ever a candidate at all:
trump is a fat fanny who canny deal wi a family on the sims never mind his own country
13. And on American politics in general:
If you're upset about what's happening over in America, remember that it's happening over in America. You live in Cumbernauld.
14. On the Tesco Bank hack:
Someone's hacked my bank account and bought barca v Real Madrid tickets, I'm no even mad mate wit a game you've chosen, all the best 👍🏼
15. On the latest fashion trends:
Tryin tae get that off yer gf would be lit tryin tae solve the fuckin Da Vinci code @VictoriasSecret
16. On Taylor Swift's batshit antics:
Taylor Swift seems like the kinda weirdo ye had in yer primary class that barked when ye spoke to them
17. And on Kim K and Kanye's weird-ass outfits:
10am bevy run
18. On the Conservative leadership battle:
who should be the next leader of the Conservative party?
19. On Harambe:
NAW SOMECUNT AT THIS PARTY IS DRESSED AS HARAMBE WITH THE WEAN AHHAHAHAHAHAH
20. On the fact Nick Griffin still exists:
Former BNP leader Nick Griffin inadvertently makes Scotland look like the coolest place on earth.
21. And on this shitey year as a whole:
Anycunt know any sound vets that would be up for puttin me doon?
The end can't come soon enough.
H/t this video by Tennent's.