How to Deal If You Think Your Friends Are Being Mean to You

Co-authored by Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD

Last Updated: February 5, 2024 References

You’re having a good time with your friend when out of nowhere they make a mean or offensive comment about you. Or maybe you’re hanging out with your friend group and suddenly everyone starts unfairly ganging up on you. Whatever the circumstances, having your friends be mean to you can really hurt, especially since they’re supposed to be your friends, the people that lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. The good news is that there are things you can do to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries so your friends start treating you with the respect that you deserve.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Confronting Mean Friends

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Prepare your thoughts about what you want to say. This can be easier if you have evidence of the mean behavior that you can clearly point out. Make note of specific patterns or recent changes in how your friend acts. Try not to make general statements about him or her being “mean”, instead name the behavior that upsets you. It may be helpful to write down your thoughts and edit the list so you know exactly what you need to say.
- Remember that it is the behavior that is negative; your friend is not necessarily a bad person. There may be reasons behind the behavior, but it doesn’t change the hurt feelings you feel.
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Schedule a time to talk with your friends face-to-face. While it may be tempting to lash out via a text or make a quick phone call, it is better to have the full attention of the friend in person.
- Whether you wind up ending the friendship or coming to an agreement about how it can be fixed, meet face to face unless you are in fear of a physical reaction. If you have even a hint of fear about getting physically hurt, protect yourself and seek help.^{[1]
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Share your feelings. Use “I” statements to minimize defensiveness. You are asking this friend to own the behavior so you need to own how it makes you feel.^{[2]
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- An “I” statement could be: “I feel scared when I am screamed at, I need you to talk in a normal volume and indoor voice so I can focus on what you are saying.”
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Offer a suggestion for how your friends can correct mean behavior. Remind this friend that you like him or her and want to reconnect in a positive way. You can help resolve the mean behavior by offering an example of how you would like to be treated.^{[3]
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- For example, you might say: “It hurts my feelings when I am laughed at because of the way I talk. Instead of laughing if I make a mistake you can help me fix it. I would appreciate knowing what I can fix about the way I talk.”
- Be aware that you can make suggestions, but the friend is the only one who can change the behavior. If he or she is not willing to change, there may not be a friendship worth saving.
- Regardless of if the friend ends up changing their behavior, sticking up for yourself and communicating that you feel disrespected is important in preserving your sense of self-worth and building healthy self esteem.^{[4]
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  Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
  Clinical Psychologist
  
  Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.}
Once you establish a boundary you cannot simply ignore when it is violated. Remember to always call out a specific behavior and not just someone being “rude”. The only way the friend can change assuming he or she wants to is if there is a clear definition of what you find rude when the behavior is happening.

Part 2

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Setting Boundaries with Friendships

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Identify behaviors/remarks that make you uncomfortable. You are the only one who gets to make this boundary. You do not have to defend your feelings. You have every right to draw the line as far as behaviors you do not like.^{[5]
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Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.} Drawing boundaries means this is not a negotiation. You expect for your boundaries to be acknowledged and considered.^{[6]
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- Be sure to make these boundaries known and establish what crosses the line with you. This is the only way you can hold the friend accountable if the boundaries are crossed. Think about what makes you feel disrespected and hurt and compile these behaviors to share with your friends.
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Be clear with your friends if you don’t like joking a certain way. Everyone has a different sense of humor. Your friends may have been being light-hearted, but something that was said or done rubbed you the wrong way. If this behavior makes you feel bad about yourself, you need to speak up.^{[7]
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- For example, if you do not like this friend laughing at you when you fall down, say “Hey, my falling isn’t funny. Please don’t laugh.”
- If you feel uncomfortable with him or her making jokes that go against your own morals like those that are based on race, make it clear you will walk away from that type of joke and do exactly that.
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Attend to your feelings when friends are being mean. Regardless of why the friend is being mean, you have every right to feel hurt by the behavior. Minimizing or ignoring your own feelings can put a great deal of stress on your health. You need to attend to your own well-being first.^{[8]
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- Do not let the friend make light of your feelings and do not try to hide them in order to keep the peace. That is not fair to you or the friend.
You may need help from another person so do not be afraid to ask for help. Getting support is even more important if you feel afraid for your safety at any time. Do not be afraid to take a gut feeling of fear seriously and seek help immediately.^{[9]
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Part 3

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Reassessing the Friendship

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Recognize that you have a right to feel safe and secure in your friendships.^{[10]
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Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.} You also have the right to maintain clear boundaries about what types of negative behaviors are not acceptable to you.^{[11]
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- Part of setting a boundary is following through with consequences if they are violated. Be clear about what breaking your trust looks like and what will happen afterwards.
- You are not being mean if you stand your ground and end a friendship because of this broken trust.
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Decide if you want to keep being friends with mean people. There are no hard and fast rules as far as how long any friendship lasts.^{[12]
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Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.} Sometimes, friendships just end for one reason or another. If you seem to have outgrown your friends because they are often engaging in bullying or immature behavior, you may choose to distance yourself.
- The biggest part of self-care is taking ownership of your happiness. There is no friend that is more important than your own happiness and security.
- Learn to tap into your own measure of stress and see what patterns cause you the most stress. If there is a friend at the center of much of the stress, move on.^{[13]
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Talk to someone about it that you trust. This may be another friend, a coworker or even your parents. Explain to this person what’s been going on and ask for his or her sincere advice.
- You might say “Hey, Mom. Were you ever friends with someone who sort of picked on you?...What did you do?”
Recognize friendships that have changed into challenging and draining battles.^{[14]
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Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 24 July 2019.} Use strong personal boundaries to step away from those negative relationships and spend time with people who are supportive and value what you bring to the table.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A

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Question

What should I do if I do not feel emotionally supported by my friend?

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.

Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Not everybody needs their friends to be equally emotionally supportive, but having said that, everyone will eventually feel like they need some emotional support. That friend may not be the right person for it. At some point in the relationship, you'll have to make a choice. Does this person show up for me when I need them? If not, then does it work for me and can I tolerate it? If not, maybe the friendship will not last forever.

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Tips

Be careful of accusing your friend of saying things behind your back because your friend might not be and that could be an embarrassing moment.

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You may want to think about how you are treating your friend, maybe you could be the mean one. If that is the case, apologize and try to correct your behavior in the future.

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Try using one of these phrases if they say something rude/mean:
- I cannot believe you just said that
- Well that's rude.
- Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
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Tips from our Readers

The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.

If a friend ditches you for someone trying to sabotage your other relationships, avoid that person. Their kindness is likely a facade to make your friend jealous or hurt you. Focus on true friends until the schemer's lies unravel and your old friend realizes their mistake.
If a close friend suddenly seems to envy or undermine you, find new friendships first. This empowers you to directly but calmly ask why they changed. It may reveal the old friend felt jealous or insecure, though that does not justify their actions.
Childhood friends sometimes act immaturely, teasing those unlike them. But their ridicule says more about their insecurity than you. Seek kinder friends and, in time, bullies often lose their crowds when peers mature.
If friends lie about group plans specifically to exclude you, sincerely apologize if you did anything hurtful. Regardless, move on and make new, more trustworthy friends. Dwelling on bad friends prolongs the pain.
Understand that friends get irritated for unclear reasons sometimes. If it’s not constant, try moving past it together. But if any mistreatment of you continues, you deserve better company.
When friends criticize you out loud, remain calm and say, “I don’t really care about your opinions.” Walking away quietly and calmly shows that you are above petty drama.

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Warnings

You may lose some friends by setting personal boundaries. But, if they didn't respect you, they may not have been the best friends for you anyway.

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