I wake up with every intention of having a productive day. I take a shower and pull clean clothes out of laundry baskets that sit in the middle of my bedroom floor. After trying on three or four outfits, I settle on one. I put on my makeup, do my hair, and head out the door. I drive to my favorite coffee shop and order my pick of the day.
This is where my forward momentum stops. Instead of working on the assignments I need to complete in order to finish my belated degree, I check Facebook, return e-mails, write, and walk through my favorite stores with the excuse that I need to pick up a few things.
Does this make me a slacker, inadequate and incapable of doing what is deemed “successful” in society’s eyes? I’ve been trained to think the answer is yes, which makes me feel bad about myself and the choices that I make.
I find that I am constantly in competition with the woman I would be if I did not have bipolar disorder. I always envisioned myself completing the usual milestones and moving on to a writing career. Yet here I am, at 26, with no college degree and a diagnosis I never even fathomed.
If I didn’t have bipolar, I imagine, I would knock off the goals I set out for myself. I would accomplish my “to do” tasks with ease. My home would be tidier. I would have my diploma. I would have an active blog, regularly updated, to inspire others who are in my position. I would have a memoir ready to publish by now.
I’m certainly not a slacker in work environments. I arrive early. I leave late. I do exactly what it takes to get the job done. The only problem is most of my work experience is working with children, which may not help me in my chosen field.
I’m not a slacker when it comes to self-care. I go to cognitive behavioral therapy. I take my medicine. I reach out to my supportive family. But some days, that’s just not enough.
Those are the days when I’m swamped by fatigue, eat everything in sight or nothing at all, and wash sideways with mood swings that cause me to lash out or shut down. I dither my way through fruitless activities or sit on my couch with eyeliner streaming down my face in dark, muddy tears.
Sometimes it feels as if life with bipolar is one long cycle of unproductive days, where focus is nowhere in sight and I feel so alone. That’s when I have to dry my makeup-stained eyes and look beyond this moment, this minute, this hour, this day, and have faith that it is not.
In moments of despair, I must remind myself that I am creative, kind, and capable. I must remind myself of how strong I am to persist through the pain. I must remind myself of all I accomplish on the good days, when I am feeling optimistic and confident.
That’s not easy to do when I’m feeling insecure, but it’s critical when living with bipolar disorder.
During a recent bout of depression, I realized that we must each develop our own definition of success. For me, it means taking things as they come. It is not something to be achieved in a day, or in four years.
I am a just few credits away from obtaining my bachelor’s degree. Yes, it’s taken me longer than the average person, but that doesn’t make me a failure. I’ve learned so much about myself along the way—and my journey continues.
Perhaps today I did not make as much progress as I would like toward my goals, but I hold fast to the possibilities in the future.
Printed as “On My Mind: What Is Success?” Winter 2016
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IT is so hard to let go of what we think we should be, but as I get older I am finally starting to show myself some compassion. I may never be who I picture in my mind but in some ways i am better. More compassionate, more empathetic and more wise. Learning to love ourselves as we are is the greatest gift we can give ourselves.
Thank you for sharing your stories. I had bipolar for decades before anyone knew or diagnosed it. This meant that all of those things I failed to do were specifically because of my lack of attention, motivation, perseverance, education, and on and on….at least in my mind and the people around me. I am intelligent, creative, caring, loving, etc. but I also avoided going to work and walked around the mall instead, or I just drove to work, through the parking lot and then left and went home. I hid. I wouldn’t answer the phone or knocks on the door. I was 23 years old and I constantly berated myself about how stupid I was to do these things, how crazy I was because I couldn’t make myself go to work that day. I have had such horrible depression that I didn’t want to live anymore. I wasn’t suicidal, just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up to deal with the pain again. I wasn’t on the right medication, although the meds I was taken kept me from feeling down or up, but it also kept me from FEELING anything for 8 years. When the doc finally changed the meds, it was horrible, nothing worked. Even after I was diagnosed with bipolar, I felt the weight of the guilt from the past, the present, and even the future because I was never going to get better. However, about 6 years ago, God led me to a psychiatrist that heard me, really heard what I was saying. I was led to a therapist that is amazing! With the two of them on my team, I was able to come out of that dark hole and begin feeling the good things again. It’s been a long journey, but every day I try to learn something new or more detailed about this illness and ways to manage it outside of the medication. Meds aren’t always the answer; I mean sometimes you have breakthrough mania or depression, so you learn to do things in addition to your meds to stay on target, like meditation, if that’s your thing, or talking with people who know what you are going through feels like, or just sitting in the silence and learning to accept yourself as you are, releasing the guilt, the anxiety, if only for a few moments, breathing in life and breathing out the bad stuff. Take this for what it’s worth…just like with any other illness, diabetes, IBS, etc., we are not our illness, we are kind, loving, smart, creative people, and we need to do something everyday, just like with other illnesses, to stay well. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. I’ve been the happiest in my life over the last 2 years, but things weren’t perfect. I had a heart attack last year, my mother broke her hip and recently crashed and totaled her car. She needs more and more care now. We just learned that my husband has to commute for work because the Covid exception is over, which means he has to stay with friends 4 hours away every week Tues through Thursday. That’s a financial strain, a heart strain, etc. BUT, we keep moving forward, using our resources to stay healthy. Good luck with all that you do. Just know that you are not alone in this. WE all have been there.
Thank you for sharing. You’ve described my life perfectly. I will work to remember and live your affirmations
Ya, I finally have to admit I am depressed. My psych isn’t any good and the group has no therapist for me anymore. Bad timing as I’m trying to start a new business. I shall persevere. Start with a new therapist and psychiatrist. ty for the article I had tears reading it.
Sorry bout the full name, lucky there are lots of us.
Living with ADHD and Bipolar I am so hard on myself for not accomplishing more in life. I have learned to be happy with smaller measurements and trying each day to do something for others. Somedays that might mean just cleaning the litter box for my cat.
Thank you for your honest reply that really helped me on a day where I was sitting here crying and alone. You reminded me that at least I can make the day better for my dog by loving him.
“I find that I am constantly in competition with the woman I would be if I did not have bipolar disorder.”
I feel this everyday. Thanks for sharing.
Good synopsis of this article. Thanks