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Today I am going to speak with you about the conversations I have with myself—conversations that are constantly going on in my mind.
A few nights ago, my wife looked over at me and said, “Dave, why are you so quiet today?”
I said, “I don’t know. Am I being quiet? I didn’t realize.”
Then, a little while ago, I thought about it and realized that I am having a constant conversation with myself in my mind. And by “constant” I mean every minute of every hour of every day.
Here’s what happens: A thought will pop in my head—most of the time, it’s a negative thought—about experiences I have had; then I will have a conversation with myself about this experience. Usually, these conversations will last from 10 to 30 seconds or sometime in between. Then I’m off to another conversation for 10 to 30 seconds, and then back to the original.
I listen to music, but I can never, ever, remember listening to a song all the way through. At some point during the song, whether it be 10 seconds or half a minute in, a thought will pop into my head. And then I will think about it and converse with myself about it. Then I will go back to the music. Then I will have a thought and go back to having a conversation with myself …
I meditate, and it helps, but it is not a solution. It gives me some quiet in between the thoughts because I will have a thought and start a conversation, and then I will let it go. Then, 10–30 seconds later, I am off to another thought.
I go back and forth, back and forth, and back again. So, for me, meditation gives only slight, temporary relief.
Watching TV is helpful for me because I am focusing on something else.
The most relief I get from this constant chatter, revisiting negative thoughts on a loop, comes from reading a book.
I think—no, I’m sure—that everyone has thoughts that pop into their head and trigger conversations with themselves. I just wonder if my bipolar brain is the reason my thoughts are constant.
The next time my wife asks, “Why are you so quiet tonight?” I will say “Because I have been having a conversation with myself all day long.”
I’m sure she is going to respond, “About what?”
Unfortunately, I will have to say, “About everything and nothing.”
But by talking about it with her, I hope she will understand. By starting that conversation, I could gain insight into these constant thoughts and conversations I have with myself.
Originally posted December 16, 2016
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Dave, your honesty is appreciated. I resonate with the struggle of endless self-talk. Reading provides solace for me as well. Remember, you’re not alone in this. Keep sharing, it helps us understand and support each other through the noise.
Thank you for sharing your article, comments and experience. I experience this as well, and have my entire life. I had suspected that most with legitimate biplar, and not misdiagnosed would also, sadly, have to tolerate the onslaught of unwanted thought intrusions. When unable to supress, whatever the method, it would be an understatement to simply say that it is tiring to fight these “though intrusions” – as it’s more insidious than that. My far-fetched hypothesis: 1) We live in a simulation. 2) Those with bipolar are “used” to simulate brains that process more reality. 3) We are probability caclulators – Hence, the reason behind all of this extra thinking, and SIMULATING that goes on inside our minds. No one in science in any realm or school of thought has ever addressed this. Finally, we are void of time compartamentalisation. Any little trigger sets off a memory from the past while comingingly both present and future thoughts/memories into the consideration. We just don’t know “time” and we merge everything together past-present-future-thoughts, all at once. Wow. It is tiring isn’t it. Good luck and stay away from anyone that may trigger your dark side.
I thought I was the only one who did this. It is nice to know Im not alone.
This is funny because I just discussed this issue with my psychiatrist. He told me that is obsessive thoughts. I thought maybe it was racing thoughts. I use ear buds with music. I find singing right in my ears is the best way to shut my brain off.
I feel so badly for Kenneth. OMG, this topic of self talk hits home. I feel that I get more tired than others because I’m constantly critiquing myself & my choices 24/7 in my mind. Meditation, I find difficult. Ice hockey helps. You can’ focus when a puck is coming at your head. It’s a relief to play! Also, I was in a serious car accident recently. I noticed how calm I can be when I’m faced with a crisis. The talking in my head quiets down.