Babies. They're dumb.
And I'm not saying this like it's a bad thing. There are so many wonderful dumb things in this universe -- Channing Tatum and novelty hot dog toasters are perhaps the best examples. And babies, unlike Channing Tatum, will grow out of it.
Parents can even take advantage of this unique period in their child's life to make them costumes they would never, over their tiny chubby body, wear if they were fully sentient.
There's never been a better time for this totally socially acceptable kind of exploitation than Halloween.
Parents, nannies: push aside your objections. You spend your days doing everything you can so your child doesn't electrocute itself to death or set the cat on fire. Don't you deserve a little primitive projection, now and again?
Here are few of the best Halloween costumes for your beautiful ding-dong of a baby:
1. Woke baby
Have the wokest baby on the block. Give your baby a #NeverthelessShePersisted baby tote and a Pod Save America onesie, then demonstrate her superiority to your far less socially conscious neighbors at the next Halloween parade.
2. Man Baby
Dress your baby up like the adult man baby you fear he'll one day become. All you'll need is an overpriced Everlane jacket, ankle baby socks and an iPad for him to immediately break. Whiney babies who love to barf on their mothers are the target audience for this costume.
3. The Baby's Baby
Just like there are "writer's writers," there are baby's babies. Dress your baby like the baby its always idolized: mostly naked, and otherwise covered in mashed peaches, its own drool and chocolate cake barf.
4. Breakfast Baby Sandwich
Some babies are so adorable you just want to eat them, so the cannibalistic cliché goes.
Combine the best of both worlds: a savory-looking baby and an actually edible breakfast sandwich. No need to fake it any longer: now you'll *actually* want to eat your child.
5. Baby Larry David
Just think of how much the real Larry David would hate this costume. Plus, your baby farts would match up pretty well to the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song.
6. Baby Kristen Stewart
Leather jacket, ripped-up jeans and absolutely no facial expression whatsoever are critical to this no nonsense costume. Face it: your baby will never be as cool as K-Stew, so this costume will have to suffice.
7. Baby Michelle Obama
She'll never be president. That doesn't mean should stop you from fantasizing about it by projecting all your hopes and dreams onto an unsuspecting baby.
8. Baby Gays
Among the LGBTQ community, "baby gays" and even "baby dykes" are now socially acceptable slang for young, recently out, queer kid. It's never too early to talk to your kids about the power of denim vests.
9. Basic Baby
Khaki capris, ugg slippers and a Starbucks bottle are all you need to make your baby a derisive cultural stereotype!
Infancy is a golden time in a child's life: right before the period of development where they think they're smart, and decades before they actually are.
Enjoy it while they don't have enough neurons to resist your innermost costume desires.
