How to Know if Your Friends Are Trustworthy

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: November 27, 2022 References

Do your friends seem trustworthy? Do they have your back? Can you trust them to show up on time and keep their promises? If you’re feeling uncomfortable about your friends’ actions or behaviors, it may be time to evaluate if they are really trustworthy. Assess if your friends are supportive and can keep a secret. With true friends, you don't have to worry about whether you can be your true self.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Knowing If They Are Dependable

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Notice if they show up on time. If your friends seem to always find excuses for arriving very late, you may not be able to trust them when you need them to be there. People who you can trust will show up on time, either all or most of the time. They don’t leave you hanging.
- For example, let’s say you and your friends made plans to hang out over the weekend. You set a date, time, and location. They said they were free to come. You text them that you’re on your way to the place, and they don’t respond. You arrive, and they text you they’re running late, and then they show up more than an hour late.
- Think about whether you can depend on them to be there when you need them for something important.
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See if they keep their promises.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Some friends may promise to attend an event, or promise to work an important home project with you. They may have good intentions, but what happens when the time comes for them to show or to give support? They don't come through. Think about if you would be able to trust them if they do this,time and time again.^{[2]
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Research source}
- Remember, too, to be forgiving. Sometimes people make honest mistakes, like double booking themselves, or the letting the time slip away, or emergencies. Instead of dropping them immediately, notice how frequently it happens and how important the events are. For instance, missing a coffee date is nothing compared to missing a wedding.
- If your friends keep their word, they are likely trustworthy. You don’t have the question whether or not if they’ll stick to what they said.
- But, if they get caught up in an exciting time and over-promise, then they may not be thinking through on what they’re saying.
- For example, let’s say you and some of your friends make a pact to go to a concert together since you all found out that a band that you all love is playing in town soon. You get your ticket and then your friends don’t show or make other plans.
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Find out if they prioritize other friends over you. Do you feel included or excluded when hanging out with some of your friends? Do they seem to put you in a different category than their other friends? See if your friends make you feel welcome when they’re hanging out with their other friends.
- Do you make plans with a friend to hang out one-on-one, only to have them always invite others to join?
- Do they cancel plans in order to hang out with other people? Do you feel as though you are often invited along to do something with your friends only as an afterthought?
- Some friends will be closer to you than others. You’ll feel more trusting of people who are your closest friends, rather than friends you hang out with off and on.
- Identify the difference between feeling welcomed by your friends, and feeling used by them. If they seem to only want you around for their own advantage or benefit, then they are likely less trustworthy.

Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Is My Friend Toxic?

Friendships are all about offering support, sharing love, and keeping the good vibes flowing… but lately, your friend doesn’t seem to pass the vibe check. Could the friendship be turning toxic, or is your friendship just going through a rough patch? Take this quiz to find out!

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How often does your friend flake on plans?

Constantly! They almost always cancel at the last minute.

Frequently. I might as well flip a coin to see if they show up.

Occasionally. They usually have a good excuse, though.

Never. If they give me their word, I know they’ll be there.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Relying On Them For Support

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Call them when you’re in need, and see if they respond. One of the key parts to a trustworthy friendship is knowing that you can call on your friend when you’re feeling down, upset, lost, or confused. They should try to make you feel better. Trustworthy friends know that it’s important to be present and caring.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source}
- For example, let’s say you had a rough day at school or work, and you call or text your friend to chat or hang out. You explain that you’ve been having a tough day and the reasons why. They don’t respond until a day or two later, and it’s a generic response. Do you feel supported?
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Evaluate if you feel judged or supported when you’re with them.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} A good friend won’t make you feel less-than or judge you harshly. Friends who are supportive and kind are likely people you’ll trust more with your emotions and your fears.
- Figure out if your friends seem make a lot of judgmental statements about you or other people. Do they seem to only focus on the negative aspects of other people’s appearance or behaviors?
- Or do they do the opposite? Do they make positive and supportive statements? Do they encourage you to be happier and healthier in a loving way? This is a more trustworthy friend.
3
Assess if you’re really comfortable being with them. When you’re with your friends, do you feel anxious or uncomfortable about what they’re doing or saying? Do you feel like you’re just “going along” with them, but don’t really enjoy their company?^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source

HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.

Go to source}
- Notice if you feel comfortable enough with your friends to express a differing opinion. If your friends are trustworthy, they will respect your opinion and, while you may have a discussion about your conflicting opinions, it won't be a big deal. If you are afraid to express an opinion that is different than the rest of the group, this may suggest your friends are not very trustworthy.
- Sometimes people make friends because they want to feel like they have a big social circle. But bigger doesn’t always mean better.
- Evaluate whether you actually have similar interests and personalities with your friends. Trust yourself, and don’t feel like you have to be exactly like them.
- For example, let’s say they only like to go to the mall and buy clothes, and you’d rather play music and start a small band. They don’t seem to understand why you play music, and don’t really like the music that you do. You may not feel very supported.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Trusting Them With Personal Information

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1
Evaluate if they have lied to you or others to get what they want. Do your friends lie often to other friends, family, or teachers? Do they seem to manipulate others to get what they want on a regular basis? See if they really care about you, or if they’re focused only on themselves.
- The way your friends treat other people is a reflection on how they value others. If they are quick to judge other people and lie to get their own way, then they may end up doing the same to you.
- Some people will ditch a friendship if they think something better is coming along.
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See if they can keep a secret. Have you told some friends a secret or some personal information? What happened after that? Did your other friends seem to know about it shortly thereafter?^{[6]
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- When you told a secret, did you ask your friends specifically, “Can you please keep this information confidential? I don’t want the information to get around.” If you didn’t word it carefully, consider your wording when asking for a secret to be kept.
- But either way, think about how you would have handled the situation with the same information. Would you have kept the secret?
- Consider only telling private information to those who are your best friends who you know that you already trust, or someone who’s not involved that you already trust.
3
Assess if you feel comfortable sharing personal information with your friends. Ultimately, your friends are trustworthy if you feel that you trust them. If you feel comfortable with sharing personal information, and have no fears that they will use it against you or judge you, then that is what matters.
- Do you feel like you can tell them about what's bothering you without feeling judged?
- Do you feel comfortable with telling them about problems in your family or personal struggles you're facing?
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Determine if you can be 'real' with them. Do you feel like you're fake when you're around your friends? Do you feel yourself being honest, or just pretending to be happy? If you feel like you can't be your genuine self, you may not feel that your friends are trustworthy.
- If they seem disingenuous about your interests, you may feel like you can open up to them about yourself.
- Be true to yourself. Trust your instincts if you feel that you can’t trust your friends due to their past behaviors.

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