Christmas adverts 2016: this year's main offenders

John Lewis you already know about. Dog on a trampoline. Bang. Merry Christmas. But now, right in the middle of November, we’re practically drowning in overblown Christmas adverts. How are you supposed to know if they’re any good? Watch them? Hardly – they’re about an hour and a half long each. Instead, here’s a quick rundown of this year’s main offenders.

Aldi – Kevin the Carrot

This is a cheap shot. On the surface, Aldi has given us a cavalcade of cruelty – a frightened carrot gets maimed over and over again, and the happy ending is his dawning realisation that he must spend the rest of his life an inch away from the drooling maw of a vicious reindeer. But that doesn’t matter because it’s soundtracked by the Home Alone theme tune. Your Christmas advert could feature literally anything and it’d still tug at your heartstrings if soundtracked by the Home Alone theme tune. Like I said, a cheap shot.

M&S – Christmas with Love from Mrs Claus

Mrs Claus gets in a helicopter and hand-delivers a present to a girl. Then Santa gets back, asks how her evening was and she smiles to herself because she mistakenly believes that delivering one present to one person requires the same amount of planning and effort as delivering billions of presents to literally every child on Earth. And there’s a reason why Santa doesn’t use a helicopter, Mrs Claus. It’s because fuel is expensive and margins are tight. But no, you had to go and hog some of the limelight for yourself. Don’t come running to me when the final demands come rolling in.

Waitrose – Home for Christmas

“How about we have a robin battling against the odds to get home for Christmas?” “I dunno, it sounds a bit like that John Lewis snowman ad from a few years ago.” “Well, what if we get a sailor to stamp on the robin’s face halfway through?” “Now you’re talking! Merry Christmas everyone!”

Sainsbury’s – The Greatest Gift

Three fun facts about this year’s Sainsbury’s advert. One: it is over six hours long. Two: it’s about a man whose Christmas shopping plans are ruined because he’s stuck on a delayed train, though he could just order all his gifts on his phone if he gave it even a second of thought. Three: the song is performed by James Corden and sounds a bit like Today’s the Day by Sean Maguire, which means that the whole thing should be encased in cement and flung in a volcano.

Tesco – Bring It On

You have to hand it to Tesco for sticking to its guns. Last year it delivered what was by far the worst campaign of the year, with Ruth Jones and Ben Miller abjectly mooching around a supermarket along with their awful adult son. This year, it’s exactly the same again – just without the son.

Boots – The Gift of Beauty

Nice try Boots, but you’ve come dead last this year. Honestly, taking a bunch of real-life inspiring women who’ll be working on Christmas Day and making them feel wanted? Come back next year with a cartoon about a hobbled reindeer or an orphaned manatee who tastes sprouts for the first time or a pig on a pogo stick. Then we’ll talk.