The End of Bipolar Depression Isolation

For people with bipolar disorder, learning to be alone before you can really succeed can be dangerous if taken out of context.

I used to think that being alone was a strength. I grew up with the very 1980s and 1990s idea that we have to “learn to be alone in order to really be with another person.”

That might make sense if you are stable and life is going well.

For people with bipolar disorder, aloneness and learning to be by yourself before you can really succeed can be dangerous if taken out of context.

I have found that accepting people into my life when I am depressed is far more difficult than being alone. Depression makes me isolate. It makes me see the phone as an instrument of torture. It makes me turn to social media instead of reaching out to live human beings.

Reality Check: The Gap Between Perception and Truth

Many depression episodes are the personification of loneliness in that our brains tell us that being alone is all we deserve and that life is a lonely path we have to travel without support or love.

Does this sound familiar?:

I’m depressed. I need contact, but I can’t reach out. I’m lying in my bed watching another British mystery when there are three messages from friends on my phone. I have the thought, ‘No one cares about me which is why no one is calling me.’ I am destined to be alone — lying on a bed in a dark room instead of getting out in the world. This is my life and it’s horrible.

Good heavens, Julie! What is wrong with this picture?

Maybe you can spot the huge inconsistency between reality and what my brain is saying.

I have three messages on my phone from friends at the exact moment my brain is telling me that I have no friends and will be alone forever.

This isn’t loneliness. It is illness!

This is depression isolation.

Battling the Deceptive Narratives of Depression

My depressed brain isn’t a good reporter. It lies and tells me information that is in direct contrast to what is actually happening. This lack of insight is devastating as it means I listen to the brain instead of listening to the messages from my good friends.

My goal as I move into the next phase of my life is to let go of the idea that being alone is what I need. In reality, I need people and it’s time for me to answer the phone when they call.

When I’m stable, life moves forward with ease. I do answer my phone. I make plans. I don’t cry and worry and ruminate over my past. I isolate when depressed.

What We Can All Do When the Desire to Isolate Is Strong

1. Write down our signs of isolation and memorize the list. Here is mine:

• Looking at the phone instead of answering it.
• Never listening to voice messages as they are probably “giving me bad news.”
• Going to social media instead of calling a friend.
• Telling myself that this black hole of loneliness is my reality.
• Binge watching British mysteries.
• Telling people I’m fine when I talk and hanging up too soon if I am on the phone. Then I feel even more lonely at the missed opportunity to connect with someone.
• Taking long baths.
• Saying no to meeting people who want to see me.

I could go on, but you get the idea and maybe your list looks like mine.

What Happens Next?

2. Counteract the depression behaviors with behaviors that change the situation immediately.

• Answering the phone no matter what I am feeling. Just press the answer button and say “hello” and let it go from there.
• Telling others I’m struggling and that I need help from isolating.
• Reminding myself that the list above is a sign that I am sick and not a sign there is something wrong with my life.
• Setting up appointments I have to make so that I get out even when I am not feeling well.
• Saying “yes” instead of saying “no” to everything .
• Being nice to myself.
• Turning off social media and talking to a live human being.

A large part of surviving a lonely depression mood swing is preparing ahead and being ready when it shows up.

My book Getting It Done When You’re Depressed helps a lot, but we have to have a plan in place so that we actually pick up the book when we are sick!

Ah, this is a complicated illness. We are complicated people due to our brains. This makes us amazing, but it can also make us ill.

If you are depressed right now, pat yourself on the back for reading this. You have already started the process of getting out of your depression by looking for help.

If you love someone with the illness who is isolating, create a plan on your own and then show it to the person when they are well. Go over and see the person— in person. Send a hand-written card that is not online. Slip a note under the door. Do something physical to show them that you are here when they are ready to come out of the fog of isolation. Put a plan in place to prevent the mood swing from going so far the next time.

The ’80s and ’90s were an interesting time. I did learn to be by myself as a woman. But this is separate. The answer to isolation is people.

My goal in life is to make sure my management skills are a few steps ahead of this illness. You can do the same.

Julie

PS: During my last isolating depression, I worked on my new book Hortensia and the Magical Brain: Poems for Kids with Bipolar, Anxiety, Psychosis and Depression with illustrator Kaytie Spellman. By letting her into my life, even though I wanted to isolate, I was able to get work done on a project that means a lot to both of us.

Learn more:
4 Strategies to Get Rid of Social Anxiety and Isolation for Good
3 Strategies to Combat Depression’s Loneliness & Isolation

UPDATED: Originally posted October 6, 2016