had a particularly relaxing day today that basically consisted of two things: a long and comforting call with parents, and a bounenkai/end-of-year banquet that was happy at the surface but about to fall apart below the water.
Parents call was happy yay!! I wish I could just record all my calls home, so as to keep them for memory’s sake...they’re mostly just silly inside jokes or reminiscing or talking about how far things have come, but it’s so lovely to roll through the motions and revel. Also talked about social security and buying a house and retirement, so those are things on the horizon...want to bring the family to Japan for cherry blossom season in 2021, so that’s a near-term goal.
The bounenkai this year went relatively smoothly all-in-all, given that everyone basically deserted Jamila and she had to single-handedly carry everything for the banquet [planning for ordering, reservations, games, registration, prizes, raffles, everything! so much...], on top of the sudden passing of her grandmother and the stresses of her job...tried to help as much as I could, but I should have done more. She was almost in tears when it finally finished, but I think the event itself went very well actually [I think I could sense something was off, but hoping that was just because I knew too much...]. Vishal, Haley, and I went with her afterward to rush and catch the MARC train home to Baltimore afterward...barely made it.
Some have such tough and unforgiving lives...it’s good to keep things in perspective.
At the 30th anniversary awards/panel we hosted tonight, a fellow board member asked me what’s new recently, and I was at a loss on what to say. Honestly the most recent thing that mattered was my parents visiting, but that was over Columbus day—so almost a month ago now. Time flies fast when nothing seems important. I am tired even though I haven’t done much. Perhaps it is indeed the weather, as Halley says.
Hilarious: at the panel, one of the panelists joked that her name while teaching was シカ先生 “Shika-sensei” because the kiddos couldn’t pronounce “Jessica”, and the little ones would put up hand-antlers in the hall when calling her name and giggle when they saw her [shika=deer]; the next panelist, Jordan, said he has no sympathy because he was under a lot of pressure to be funny all the time—his kids called him ジョウダン先生 “Joudan-sensei” [joudan=joke].
I constantly feel exhausted and it’s due to not sleeping enough and I hate it!! Looking forward to hibernating this long weekend, but somehow my schedule has steadily filled up...still intent on preserving Monday as totally devoid of human interaction though.
One thing that I never understood was why people would want to be famous. It’s always seemed to me that once you no longer get to control your own story [because others tell it for you], you basically no longer really are your own person. It’s so comfortable writing or talking about yourself, but if your own life and narrative no longer belong to you—what do you really have then?
It’s 10:41 PM and I feel at peace and in control for once. Had a productive day at work, saw a friend for dinner, got all my laundry done, showered and ready to sleep before waking up early to go vote and then brief a visiting minister-counselor.
Hiking yesterday was a fresh breath both physically and emotionally that I very much needed. Hope to sit and think a little more tomorrow about where things are.
Going to sleep now! How liberating, to be free of distraction.
Just got back from a charity fundraiser for the USAGM Association to support injured and fallen journalists. How easy, to take for granted the freedoms we have while those fighting for truth and transparency abroad can be taken away.
~
I’m both excited and apprehensive about trying to write again—how freeing to express myself, but how fragile its promise! I can’t believe I spent six whole months without recording anything...thoughts and moments I’ll never get back.
I think I tried for a while to divert creative energy to FB, but it doesn’t feel the same. There’s something embarassing or constricting about explicitly saying things to people who know you—and isn’t that so odd?! We spend our entire lives trying to be understood, and shrink from the possiblity of being heard! What am I so afraid of?
Sometimes I regret not remaining anonymous, but this thought gives me odd pause; after all, my LJ in high school was entirely shared with people I already knew as friends. Perhaps the main constraint is actually other people knowing who I’m talking about, which is a concern in any medium of expression, online or in person.
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Work this week will be luxuriously placid; for once not too much to struggle with. Looking forward to a good time this week :]
Having not written in forever has taken its toll: I feel like everything is crammed in my brain and screaming to get out, meanwhile my mind paralyzed unable to articulate anything in the midst of the cacophony. Bereft of faculties! Bewildered by unknowns! Such is my strange life now, again adrift and unfocused.
I should figure out what to do. Six months of not-writing has taken its toll.
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Mommy and daddy visited last weekend, and I’m so infinitely glad that they did. I arranged the entire weekend and got to pay for every meal [they wouldn’t let me book the tickets], but I think they would have enjoyed it anyway just to be with my sister and me.
Odd to think that their unconditional love has left me something of an emotional cripple, since I haven’t ever had to think on their behalf. Meimei also made a good point that if I’d let her plan portions of it, I’d probably have complained about it anyway, so she let me do it...true. It’s odd how things have changed so much now that she bends over backwards to accomodate people; I flipped through old LiveJournal posts where I’d written about her, and one from 17 June 2011 [her promotion day from middle school] had an incident where she screamed at Daddy at Applebee’s because he’d gotten ketchup on the steak he’d cut for her.
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Had a frank conversation with HC today. I’m not very certain about many things, and it sounds to others like I’m giving avoidant answers, but the reality is that I personally don’t know what I want from a relationship. I wonder how one knows such things? It was strangely both clear and unresolved; clear that there isn’t capacity on my side to pursue something serious, and unresolved that I don’t know if we’ll still see each other even as friends.
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Just spent the evening helping her with an application to Deloitte, pretty proud of a weeds/garden metaphor about ambiguitiy I wove into one of the statements. Got to talk about a few of the entries that I’d read through; perhaps we can journey through the others together. Finally finished up and will go shower and sleep soon yay!!
Finally again feeling secure with myself once more.
Today was a good week at work, finally onboarded officially plus several exciting firsts (though still behind). Again feeling comfortable enough to count my blessings rather than worry over being found wanting.
Elated that it’s Friday and I can finally rest (hopefully now, early). Take me, sweet sleep.
Today’s been a day of nothing, which reminds me again why I should never have days of nothing; all good intentioned plans to do things end up collapsing into napping+phone browsing, the former being needed and the latter being the shitty tech-addict alternative I can’t escape.
On the flip side, I’ve finally dragged myself out of bed [at 5 pm lol] to start recollecting myself and perhaps doing some productive work later; evenings this week are miraculously clear, so household chores can wait for a bit while I hopefully make a dent on the work-work I gotta finish ugh.
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As I was scarfing down lunch yesterday before rushing out to the DC Sakura Matsuri to volunteer, I bumped the bowl on the fridge handle and it bounced on the countertop, broke in half, and as I caught one half the other half shattered on the floor, leaving broken porcelain and splattered pasta sauce everywhere.
It wasn’t until earlier today that I realized that particular bowl had already been chipped because I’d dropped it last year when my now-ex had hosted a pho party. It’s kinda a good metaphor for how my carelessness made things a lot messier than they had to be; instead of being able to just wash and reuse the bowl, it’s now irrevocably broken for like, no good reason at all??
~
I met with him on Friday evening for closure, and it ended up turning into an exit interview because I had so many questions.
Answers were much more illuminating this time. I should have been humble, more cognizant of how I say something as much as what I say. It was painful to hear that so much ill-intent was ascribed to my actions [that I was selfish or intentionally valuing myself more] when I really didn’t even think that far; I often feel like I’m walking blindly down a hallway and getting yelled at for bumping into people when I can’t see. It’s definitely a kind of laziness though that I can work on; I have to recognize when things go silent or people act out, and know how to ask what’s wrong and broach the topic, and continue to nurture mechanisms to self-correct. Do not shut down discussions unilaterally, and recognize your discourse power; don’t impose conditions on topics, the constraints become suffocating. Don’t dismiss people, or over-correct unnecessarily. Objects and gifts and letters only go so far, and were not the substance he needed.
All of these tied back to the fight I had with sis when she visited as well; some of these things echoed what she has said before, about excessive arrogance on my part that makes me deaf to people’s feelings. Definitely something I can work on though; it’s not like I’m intentionally being mean, why on earth would I want to hurt the people I love? I can improve.
The most painful thing was asking about the counterfactuals. If I’d been less blind, or even caught it at the last minute in that silence of the car, it might yet have all been forgiven. He had truly seen us building a life together, buying a house, and said that were we still attached he would have stayed, finished his MBA, grown comfortable, rather than dropping everything for Hanoi next month.
I didn’t get to say much, just tried to listen. I hope he read the card. The end of a chapter, a broken bowl.
~
It’s already mid-April and I never got to reflect on 2018 or figure out my goals for the year...perhaps some things can’t be forced. So many Google calendar notifications have come and gone and it doesn’t really happen, and I’m currently averaging like one post a month. Maybe this will just be a year of chilling the fuck out lol sigh. Plans only get you so far.
Isn't this such a lovely card? It felt miraculous after searching for so long, to find one with the perfect expressions and bursting with your sunflowers—almost as miraculous as it was to meet you.
I never got to tell you how absolutely wonderful you are, ____. Despite the numerous travails you've had to overcome, you are a paragon of life and joy; you light up every space you enter. Not only that, you're inspiringly thoughtful and considerate of others, and bravely independent in the face of struggle. You are perceptive and wise, kind and conscientious, and great with kids, words, cooking, gardening, dancing, and a thousand other hidden talents. You are truly a sun+flower: a shining star, and a natural beauty.
I've been so exceedingly fortunate to have had time together. I'm so grateful for all the good times, from that very first "___________ ___" that set my heart aflutter, to questing for ________ on _________, the indescribable safety-happiness of falling asleep in your arms. I'm so excited for you and your future, and know that you will make a lucky someone very happy some day, with whom you truly have 緣分 duyên phận.
I understand that your feelings for me have withered, but even though it matters little, please know that I support you wholeheartedly, unceasingly. I think of you often; even now, when browsing social media, I often reflexively type "_" and see your name autofill the search bar. I'm glad and thankful that you're free of this burden, and sincerely, deeply wish you all the best. I don't mind if forgetting about this helps you heal best; it's been a long goodbye since last November. All suns must set—this can be our final farewell.
Thank you for everything. Your greatest joys are all yet to come.
How innocently people are awful at communication. I know the word “innocent” sounds out of place here, so let me explain what I mean.
(I’m going to use the example of a male patient, but it happens with both sexes.)
He will say “My wife keeps getting mad at me for no reason, I don’t know what to do”. I ask him for details. He says something like “I ask her when dinner will be ready and she just flips out at me”.
I suggest that we roleplay the conversation: I’ll pretend to be his wife, and he’ll talk to me the way he usually talks to her. It will go something like this:
ME: (in falsetto voice) Hi honey, welcome home!
HIM: Why isn’t dinner ready yet? What’s wrong with you? All I want is to have dinner ready when I get home, and you can never do it!
ME (no longer in falsetto voice, speaking normally): Wait, are you exaggerating this or is that how you normally talk to your wife?
HIM: That’s how I normally talk to my wife.
ME: And just to be clear, you’re confused why she gets angry when you talk to her that way, and you’re asking me to figure out this mystery, right?
HIM: Yes.
ME: And you didn’t exaggerate that at all, that’s definitely how you usually talk?
HIM: Yes.
ME: When I was pretending to be your wife, I felt attacked by the way you asked me if dinner was ready.
HIM: Why?
ME: Well, I wrote down what you said on my notepad here, and it was “Why isn’t dinner ready yet? What’s wrong with you? All I want is to have dinner ready when I get home, and you can never do it!” Do you think you could have asked this more like “Hi honey, when will dinner be ready?”
HIM: I’m afraid she wouldn’t take me seriously if I did that. She might just say something like “It’ll be ready later”, and then she wouldn’t know that I’m really hungry and really upset that she didn’t make it already.
ME: It sounds like dinner being ready on time is very important to you. Is there any way you can talk to your wife at some other point, like when you’re out on a date, let her know how important that is to you, and ask her if the two of you can come up with some system? Like maybe on days when she has lots of time, she can make dinner for you, and on days when she’s busy, she can let you know she won’t be making dinner and then you can bring some food home?
HIM:
It’s really surprising to me not just how many people are terrible communicators, but how many people, when asked to simulate their communication style in front of a psychiatrist, will be so innocent about how bad a communicator they are that they won’t try to hide it, they won’t try to change their answers in order to look better, they’ll just say things that are totally awful and offensive and then in all honesty ask me why I think their partner gets angry.
I assume there’s some cultural difference here, and maybe I’m the person who’s in the wrong in some subtle hard-to-understand way, but usually they tell me their wife miraculously stopped being temperamental and incomprehensible around the time they worked out some alternative dinner-assurance system besides yelling at her.
I guess this is another thing that surprises me, is how un-systematic some people are. If it were me, by the 50th time I yelled at my wife for not making dinner on time, I would be considering the hypothesis that there’s a better way to solve this than more yelling, but a lot of people can’t seem to figure that out.
Eliezer had a phrase I like, “technical solutions to human problems”, of which the classic example is that if you don’t like your partner making noise, instead of arguing with her about what’s appropriate, you get earplugs (I realize earplugs don’t always work well in real life, it’s just an example). I’ve heard some people debate whether this is really a good idea or not. But it seems like some of my patients are the total opposite end of the scale, so fixated on human solutions to human problems that they can’t imagine addressing any of their issues other than by yelling at the other person to change even louder than they were yelling before.
The Vox article on luck always comes back to me at odd times: By the time you are an autonomous, responsible moral agent, you have effectively been fired out of a cannon, on a particular trajectory. You wake up, morally speaking, midflight. For me, it’s always felt like a mountain of luck, and part of the malaise I sometimes feel is that no amount of un-effort on my end could ever make a difference; phrased in this way it sounds like the most idiotically first-world of problems, but I think at its core it’s an agency problem.
Feeling like nothing you do matters is why children lash out to get attention, why people suffer from burnout [if work only begets more work, then why work], and also, I strongly suspect, part of why mass killers do what they do—it’s rooted in profound sense of helplessness that makes people do the insane and murderous, like it’s the only thing they could possibly do. If you don’t believe that “your” world is falling apart around you, why would you do objectively pointless shit and ruin your life? Statements are for the desperate, histories for the victors.
I think this has been part of the reason why I’ve felt withdrawn lately [in addition of course to RESIDUAL BREAKUP SHIT LOL], because it sometimes feels like putting in effort is almost the same as not, so why bother with any? If I just let the floor drop out beneath everything and nothing changes, there’s no point in holding it up—right?
Of course, that’s not true. Building support systems is for others, but also for ourselves; salvation is found in each other rather than each of us alone.
How wonderful to write again and clarify thoughts! I feel better already; working on moving myself back toward an abundance mentality rather than being resentful or supine.
~
At this morning’s planning meeting for next week’s queer API charity banquet, an arriving member [who’s just constantly a production, always fashionable, theatrically articulate, and on point], when complimented on his outfit despite being out until 4 am last night for an afterparty to a theatre performance he ran, accepted it with the line: “Mediocrity is a luxury we cannot afford.”
I was very moved.
Hearing the first run through of the keynote speech was so good too...it’s going to make everyone cry omg.
~
A revelatory discussion Saturday evening with several OG writing gaysians about tumblr as a platform and new answers to old mysteries. It’s been a long journey, and sobering to realize that perhaps a chapter has closed; I find it hard to imagine regaining that intensity of feeling for written-personhoods anymore, mostly because people no longer write.
Perhaps it’s just part of the cycle of relational decline, where social circles shrink as responsibilities grow. Where are the new cohorts of gaysian writers?
~
JEsUs ChRIst I still haven’t sat down and thought about what goals are for the year and it’s already the middle of March omfg. Clearly the writing goal thing doesn’t really make things happen but at least it keeps track of things, so I think I’ll at least number things again so I have them? Goodness knows I might never look at reflection entries again, but I can at minimum see how much I got to cover at the end of the year. Merp!
Feeling good right now. Tired from jet lag but in a good way, work is productive and I feel fulfilled :) It’s been nice to have other extracurriculars take a back seat and have me time!
Work travel has been good because it’s been a clean break from everything and helped me realize what my career goals should be, and have given new direction to move toward. I’m more excited about my job than ever before.
It’s been a little bad because rather than pining after ex, I’ve flipped to the other extreme and just feel numb to relationships in general; even the thought of being with someone is somehow distasteful, and I can’t imagine trusting anyone again. He also messaged me the other day and I replied warmly, but actually felt nothing; I legitimately don’t mind if I never see him again, and it’s kind of scary.
Ups and downs I guess! Hope to make March a month of me, to finally actually get my shit together and refocus on myself.
Fuuuuuhhhhhhhkkkkkk this weatherrrrrrrrr sucksssssssss!!!! I 500% have seasonal affective disorder [it’s literally 12 degrees right now!!] and everything feels horrible and is straight up murdering emotions. I can’t get over the fact that I don’t want to do anything and feel like everyone hates me, and any tiny thing I see from him triggers me into a sad spiral of doom.
I’ve wanted to do a 2018 reflection and 2019 goals but can’t get myself to do anything because everything is a sloppy mess and lethargy-incarnate.
OKAY LOL FUCK IT writing always makes things better because it makes me realize what a sad sack I’m being--time to go plan my birthday social and DO THINGS RAH RAH. AND SLEEP EARLY. OMG SLEEP!!!!
lol shit i can’t even put numbers because I didn’t make a new resolution to...UGHUGHUFHGUFH is my brain not disintegrating
Ok seriously though, I am le sad and everything is a roller-coaster, but hopefully it’ll get better soon. It’s so weird to feel so truly alone again, but I guess it was always uncomfortable, just more so now that I’ve known otherwise.
Everything is perfect and lovely again, and all challenges surmountable. Uncles brought us to an Atayal village today and we admired the waterfalls; got to browse shops and mom and sis in the evening, and gush over colored pens and cute stickers (bought a bunch of adorable dog and pig ones for lunar new year).
In quiet conversation when walking back home, mommy mentioned that 准羽 would have liked those stickers too. I realized that I’m older now than my beautiful cousin was when she passed away from a motorcycle accident in 2014. I’m so grateful for life and the chances we get while here on earth; just laying on the bed here with mom and sis nearby feels so wonderful, to be around such love and understanding. It’s good to be here.
home, and I’m so glad I made the trip. These last few days have been especially fruitful for whatever reason; understood the need to deliberately rest, and regained more comfort and self-assurance in myself. Again momentarily reached basal happiness.
I found an old clip of Han-na Chang playing at the Kennedy Center [used to be obsessed with this piece, the portion at 5:04 where she smiles at the conductor made me almost turn straight], when sis suddenly told me a hilarious tidbit. Apparently when sis was in 2nd grade, she had to make a gingerbread famous person and do show-and-tell, and she bloody picked Andrea Bocelli because of my influence and talked about him to other 6-7 year olds.
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Rage has not subsided. Home is a salve, but I’ve readjusted and again find myself utterly infuriated for no apparent reason sometimes. My parents have pointed out I’ve had a short temper recently; Dad has been lamenting that I’m 生在福中不知福 [being surrounded by good fortune and unaware of it], but that just makes me feel worse, like I should be constantly happy and generous but still can’t for whatever reason. Maybe a small portion of it is residual relationship stuff, but there’s really no overarching reason for me to be unhappy. In a moment of pique [over who gets to rake the leaves, no less], sis insinuated that I just trick people to believing I’m good, when I’m actually a bad person; leave it to those closest to know the deepest worries.
I think one of the reasons why I continue to write here is that I never really get to talk about my stressors with other people and haven’t built up the habit. With my parents, I try to always talk about good things in my life, and with my sister I try to listen and provide advice as needed. I’ve felt more isolated from friends recently, and don’t know who/how to reach out. I feel like usual-me would just go out and do more things to get out of the funk, make plans and invite others to come along, but something makes me feel scared to do so and I slip back into inertia. More inertia clearly doesn’t solve the problem, so there has to be some other course, but I’m not yet sure what’s holding me back; probably needs another change in outlook.
Ok, change in outlook it is then!!! Maybe tomorrow I can start making plans for the new year for both orgs and a goal list for what I want to get done. Also owe a year-reflection, and new resolutions. Ok yes more excited again!! Gonna go get dinner [lemon pepper chicken pizza lol] with fam now yay.
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