Hey friends!! Today we are taking a little detour off of the DIY Express to talk a little real life, hope thats ok!
I’m a talker, its how I process things. Everything from a project idea, to life experiences gets talked through. So I thought, I want to talk about this. And you’re my people, so lets talk about it.
I have Postpartum Depression. (I’m not saying it in an embarrassed way, or in a GIRL POWER HEAR ME ROAR way. Just in a state the facts simply way.)
The reason I’m sharing it is because I didn’t know what postpartum depression looked like, I don’t have anyone in my life (that I know of) that has dealt with it. All the feelings I was feeling, honestly I just thought it was me failing at life (which I’ve voiced a few times over the last 8 months). I didn’t know and maybe there are a few of you who also don’t know and need some insight and a big fat hug.
The way I picutred PPD is very different than the symptoms that I have. I thought it was the inability to connect with your baby, thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, not being able to get out of bed, crying all the time. While all of those are symptoms, there is so much more. I feel like my brain is full of fog that is as thick as peanut butter. I feel emotionally numb to a lot of situations. I have a hard time getting motivated and have a general feeling of not really caring. I am always irritated and frustrated with the girls. All of these things are very much not like me, in fact the way that I usually am is the opposite of everything that I listed. I just don’t feel like myself.
There are loads of reasons why I have grounds to feel like that. I’ve never tried to run a business with a little one. I’m older and my brain isn’t bouncing back as quickly. Mom fog doesn’t disappear after your third. I’ve got WAY MORE on my plate than I’ve ever had, so I chalked it up to a learning curve that I just wasn’t navigating well. But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just get my crap together!
The biggest red flag was disconnection. It feels almost spiritual, like I’m just disconnected from everything and everyone. I thought that I wasn’t praying enough. I’m sensitive to feeling spiritual because in my world, spirituality and creativity go hand in hand. If I’m not grounded spiritually my creativity is lackluster.
So basically all of these things swirled around in my head like a tornado. Why couldn’t I pull my life together? Why wasn’t I praying more? Why was I always irritated? Why didn’t I care about the things that are so important to me? I was talking to the bestie Brooke about it and she told me that I needed to call my Dr. (thank goodness for great friends right?!) So I did and guess what? Textbook Postpartum.
I’ve been on an anti-depressant for a little while and it has changed everything. I’ve started meditating (I’m using an app called Headspace) and I LOVE it. I didn’t realize how down I was until I started to feel better. Weird things, like noticing that I’m smiling or getting excited about new projects; things that are totally normal, feel normal again.
I think that its important to talk about the things that we’re struggling with, cause chances are we’re far from alone in it. Talk to your doctor (really!!) talk to your friends, you are amazing and wonderful and should feel like a better version of yourself after having a baby, not a shell of it.
And most of all if you’re struggling, its ok, cause I am too. [group hug]
Thank you so much for posting about this! I dealt with un-diagnosed for a year and half after I had my daughter. I was horrible. I felt like I was in a whole and now that I’m medicated and dealing its amazing to me that I let myself go along that long without recognizing a problem, or my husband recognizing it. At the same time we chalk it up to simple “explainable” reasons like “that’s life” or “it’ll get better when…”.
I know that there is a huge stigma on mental health and women’s mental health, more specifically, (i.e. “must be her time of the month”). But, now, being someone who has had to deal with it I am not ashamed and I think more women need to be vocal and supportive of each other. It’s hard to deal with and very hard to deal with alone, or when you think you’re alone.
Thanks again so much for ‘getting real’ about it here on your blog! I pray for you many better days in the future! Keep up the good work! -Kym
Yes! PPD came to me after all 3 of my kiddo’s (well, not really with #3 because I got on medication the day before she was born to be proactive) and like you said, I had no idea how sad I was and how debilitating my PPD was until I didn’t have it anymore. Like you a lot of my symptoms weren’t obvious–I was definitely sad and feeling blue (esp. with my first) but also feeling totally overwhelmed (beyond normal) and being plagued with irrational thoughts are both big ones for me. And when I say irrational, I mean thinking my baby doesn’t like me, thinking my baby won’t ever go to sleep ever again in her whole life (sounds crazy, but in my mind a real possibility), etc. And the problem with PPD (and many mental illnesses) is that the very thing you need to help you see that you need help, is the same thing that is not functioning correctly: your brain! So yes, it’s really important that friends and loved ones step in and help us see what we can’t see ourselves. Lastly, so glad you used medication. I could not understand how a tiny little pill could change my life, but it did. So glad I gave it shot and so glad you did too! Hooray!
Thanks for talking about this! It’s such a complicated spectrum that it’s really helpful for people to share what it was like for them, so other mom’s can recognize it too. I had a lot of anxiety after having my son – I couldn’t leave him by himself and would wake up multiple times a night to check his breathing – but I had never heard of anyone talk about PPD in terms of anxiety before. I was lucky that it wasn’t very serious and went away on its own after six months, but it would have been so validating at the time to know why I felt that way and that I couldn’t “just relax”. Now there will be other mom’s who feel like you and will be more easily able to identify it and get the help they need and deserve!
Mandi,
one of the things people would say to me when I was going through PPD was “pray more, read your scriptures more often” which were good things but my problem was my chemicals were out of wack and I needed to seek medical help to be able to feel normal again. You’re right. Thank goodness for friends!!! I was so relieved when my doctor welcomed me with open arms and told me everything would be ok!! And it happens to more people than what we can imagine. So grateful for modern medicine! You will see that day by day you will continue to just get better and to truly enjoy all that life has to offer! Here’s to all of us and to an even brighter future!!
❤️
Hmmm. Interesting that I thought I had my depression under control until just now reading your post! My post pardom started 12 years ago with my second baby and hasn’t left me since. I’ve been taking anti depressants for many years and thought I was doing ok. But reading YOUR symptoms is suddenly making my latest symptoms of uselessness and no-emotion feel more clear. I think it may be time for me to switch up medications and talk to my doctor again. Thank you for sharing! You never know who you’ll touch and that’s why it’s important be real and open! I’m glad you’re feeling better!
Mine lasted for almost 5 years and I had anxiety paired with it. Not like I’m worried something will happen to my kids anxiety but like really Insignificant things would trigger it like going grocery shopping… Even alone! The no emotion thing was so strong with me too. You’re not alone!
This is fabulous! Thank you for trying to normalize postpartum issues.
So many women have PD and suffer, never knowing. THANK you for sharing. I wanted to share a resource with you and all your readers that can help: https://www.postpartumprogress.com. Every mom needs a place to turn…
I battled ppd after both my kids, but didn’t realize what it was until my 2nd. I’m happy you’ve sought help. Ironically mental health and addictions are basically twins. The 12 steps are a grand tool in this area of life too!! Big hugs and we’ll wishes!! Thanks for sharing!!
What a terrific post to help others. I had it too but not very severe. Now I feel like I have similar symptoms with my oldest going away to college. It’s a huge change and it seems like all people want to say is he needs to fly away. Of course he needs to grow up. I don’t want to stop that but it’s a huge adjustment not seeing your kid everyday. Wondering if they are okay. Hoping they have food. It’s weird to walk by their room. You buy too many groceries. Etc. I hope people learn to let people have feelings and stop telling them in whatever situation not to feel a certain way! Thanks for writing this and shedding light to those who need it.
Hugs for you, girl! you’re a marvelous mama and you’ll get through this!
Love you and love this post!
thank you for that.
This is the exact way my ppd felt and I let it go far to long untreated. I thought I was alone or just didn’t realize others had the same symptoms. It was a battle for years. The meds helped but created other issues like even more sleepiness and numbness. Good luck and thanks so much for sharing!
I feel like this and my baby is 4 lol ! So, am I just depressed, crazy? I go through really rough patches… In fact just got through one. I’m trying really hard not to be “momster ” to my 3 kiddos… things are good so far for now- haha. But, that’s the thing – the thought of talking to my doctor , seeking “help” freaks me out!!! I also get super duper freaked out about medication- have never taken anything aside from ibuprofen lol.. I have never tried meditating, maybe I should try that first? Anyway, don’t want to go on & on about this because the more I do- I feel like I’m feeding myself that negative energy- & I’m trying really hard to be positive. Thank you so much for opening up… This is my very first time doing so myself ??????
The thought of seeking help can be really scary, and so can the idea of meds. But if you’re really nervous about that, try seeing a therapist first. I combined therapy (no lying down on couches required!) with medication and it was extremely helpful, but therapy might be a good gateway into getting to know what you need. Some people need therapy, others a combo. Medication has a lot to do with dosages as well- everything can be adjusted and it’s not as scary as it seems. There are lots of options. 🙂 Good luck with everything, Carina.
I agree with Lauren B–getting help can be the hardest step. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years and convincing myself to get to a doctor was soooo hard. Why couldn’t I just get out of it without drugs? I mean, it was clearly all in my head, right? (wrong) I finally talked myself into going and it really made a difference.
I totally agree that if you’re worried about medication you could start with a therapist and see how things go from there. Sometimes it helps to have someone knowledgeable to talk through your feelings with (including your concerns about things like medication). Just remember, everyone will respond differently to different treatments so don’t worry if something’s not working, just explore different options. Best of luck <3
Read up on Omega 3 fats??? if worried about meds :))
Thank goodness for good friends 🙂 Glad you are feeling better!
Thank you for sharing! You’re amazing! Sending much love to you and all the mamas out there!
Thanks for sharing. There is often an negative stigma that comes with any type of depression so it’s nice to have voices saying “me too” and “don’t feel bad about it on top of everything else”.
proud of you
Thank you for sharing and clearing up some misconceptions about symptoms. Depression is a multi-faceted illness that looks different for everyone. I’m glad meds and meditation have been helping. 🙂 Best wishes.
Giant Hugs Mandi! What you are going through is more common than most realize. Many are suffering as a result of not understanding. While I do not have PPD, (menopausal here, that is a rodeo) and I do have some issues with depression. You made me reexamine how well I am actually doing. I have had some major losses in the last year and thought I was handling things better than I am. Thank you for reminding me it is nothing to be ashamed of and that need more dealing with it. So please do what you need to do to get back to you! We miss you when you are not around but what it most important is that you take care of your needs first. More hugs!
As a maternity and NICU nurse for many years, I’ve seen PP depression present itself in all the ways you describe and so many more–and it’s so important to visit with your doctor as you did. If you think yours isn’t really listening, find one who will–there are amazing doctors out there! Trying the right medication combo that will work for each person, along with diet and activity is key–we’re all unique,and so is PP depression. One common thread I see in so many women is that they feel they are alone and don’t reach out–but we have got to learn to really be there for each other–no judgement! Even in the health care world it can be a bit taboo to discuss this in much detail–after all, you have a wonderful, new little baby, right! It also doesn’t matter if it’s your first or tenth baby, it can just appear unexpectedly–you also don’t have to have a history of it in your family–as in your case. I know this sounds easier said than done–but seriously, talk about how you feel–at the very least, go to your local hospital and seek a nurse on the maternity ward–believe me, they will listen and can help you find the support you need–and always, always call someone if you feel in too much despair and let them watch your children. Thanks for discussing such an important topic–there is help out there, sometimes you just have to take the first step and reach out and find it sometimes! With love, Mary Wilding http://www.mytributejournal.com
This is so similar to my experience. I wasn’t sad, just grouchy and incapable of dealing with very many things. My daughter was two before I managed to get help, and I feel so much better now! When I first started Zoloft, I remember noticing that I would smile at a pretty flower or something, which I hadn’t done in years.
I’m so glad you are feeling better and you shared this with us. I can relate for sure. When my son was born 14 years ago (today is actually his birthday) I struggled a lot and nobody really understood me. I did hole myself up in our house, didn’t want anyone to come over and wanted to just be left alone.
So glad you got help from your Dr. I also had PPD after 4 of my 5 babies. I didn’t know what i was feeling at the time other than lack of motivation to do the things I loved the most. Such an easy treatment with meds to help balance me back out. Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps many amazing women who read your blog.
I’m so happy you’ve got the support you need Mandi. And meditation and mindfulness is great. I wish you all the best and I’m sending you healing vibes from the East coast 🙂
You describe it perfectly. I didn’t know I had it until I was over it, I just thought I was really really reeeeaaaaally tired. The second time was so much better because I was prepared to recognise it and could ask for meds to sort it out. Thanks for sharing
I am so glad more people are being open, honest, and real about PPD! It seriously needs to be talked about more. I already suffer from Depression and have been off of my antidepressant since I was almost 8 weeks pregnant. One of my doctors is putting me back on it roughly 6 weeks before delivery to try to get it in my system in hopes to prevent PPD. Oddly enough, that doctor isn’t even my Psychiatrist. That doctor monitors my Fibromyalgia and my medications I take. My Psychiatrist wanted me off all of my meds (b/c I am still taking two but on the lowest doses) prior to delivery. That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard and my OB and doctor that monitors my Fibro agreed with me that I need to be on my meds. It is so frustrating and I’m really hoping I don’t end up having PPD but at least I have been educating myself about it, can recognize when I do need help (like right now, I seriously need to be back on something for my anxiety), and know that the possibility of me getting PPD is very very real.
https://dogmomchic.blogspot.com/
Oh wow, thank you for sharing that. I was the same after my son was born. Nothing was as it should be, life became mechanic and uninspiring, I felt empty. Thank you for giving a voice to my own feelings, you are right- knowing you are not alone and not all broken can change everything.
Hang in there! It will fade over time and you will rise stronger and full of appreciation to life’s little moments of magic
Xoxo
Love you! I’m so glad you are feeling better! You deserve it. ??
I’m so glad you have a wise bestie!!! I remember going through this for along while feeling all alone. My best descriptor of it was I felt like I was in a fish bowl. I could see the world around me but I just couldn’t interact with it. Blessings to you for your willingness to be honest and open…it takes a tribe!
Thanks for writing this post! I think this is what I’ve been going thru also with having a little one 9 months ago.. she’s my 1st and I never realized how big of an adjustment it’d be! She still wakes up a lot at night, always teething and clingy so it seems like I just struggle thru the day trying to get minimum things done. I’m a crafter and all things did at heart so it’s been a real struggle struggle not being able to do some of those things like I used to. I love my baby with all my heart, no regrets but I wonder when I’ll ever feel back to myself again..or do u??! Love your blog!
*diy
I’m so glad that the meds and the meditation is helping! I’ve had PPA with all of my kids, to varying degrees, but only got myself medicated after the last two, and it is just the best. It is so great actually feeling like myself again. I totally hear you about the fog and the irritation with your kids. Thanks for sharing your experience!
yes yes YES. confession here: i am one of the guilty ones who’s currently dealing with undiagnosed PPD – and i think i already knew it, but reading your post, i know that i know it. ya know? “failing at life” – literally exact words i’ve told my husband more than once in the last few months. i’m 9 months pp with baby #2. i didn’t have this after baby #1. so it’s new for me and i’m not navigating as well as i probably should. time to call the dr. thanks for the non-DIY post today. i think a lot of people needed to hear this 🙂 xo
I will hold you close to my heart along with your fellow sufferers who have spoken here, Mandi. I did not have PPD but I did suffer from clinical depression many years ago. I had all the classic hopelessness, helplessness, inability to sleep well symptoms. The best thing I did after several false starts at treatment was to see a Clinical Psychologist who helped me learn to think differently. I learned how to practice Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy after learning some relaxation techniques, The Relaxation Response being the best. I wrote out my thoughts in longhand. I forced myself to get outside and walk. I used a book called “A New Guide to Rational Living” to help with examining the thought patterns that made me depressed. Medication was not the answer for me though I know the antidepressants on the market now are better than the ones back then. It helped me dramatically to meet others who had come out the other side of depression. I hope it will help you who suffer to know that I have gone almost 40 years since depression was a factor in my life. Please seek help knowing that there is an end to your suffering and great hope for a joyful life. You are all in my prayers.
Thank you so much for sharing! It’s so important to “normalize” postpartum depression and to get people talk about it. I’m glad you’re feeling better!
Vivi / http://www.avecvivi.com
Mandi… Just in keeping with the giant group hug forming, I wanted to thank you for sharing your heart and heartbreak… and to also say that I had PPD, mine was after an adoption! Which, honestly, I didn’t know was a possibility so I felt exceptionally crazy. But I’ve talked to others that have validated my experience. Maybe it wasn’t technically PPD, but many of the symptoms were the same. Help (and time) saved the day for me. Never be afraid to share!
I don`t speak English very well but I wanted to give you thanks for your words. It’s wonderful you have shared all your experience with the rest of the world. I Love your blog and your beautiful energy! You are a very great person! All the best for you. I’m writing you from the Canary Islands, Spain .
Talented and brave! I always enjoy your blog & have tried some of your projects with great success 🙂 This was a very brave post and hit so close to home for me. I agree that I thought of PPD as something drastic but I saw myself in your description. Mandi, I want you to know that I read your post, then picked up my phone and called my doc to make an appointment. Thank you for shining a light for this reader. XOXOX
My father was dying of cancer when my second child was born. Even so, I’m sure I had both a postpartum chemical imbalance and a situational problem. I went on antidepressants and never regretted it.
You are one of many who I have seen post/vlog about “Headspace” recently. Is this a sponsored video? Shouldn’t it be considered (and labeled as) sponsored if you mention a particular service by name? Why the need to specify and not just say “an app I downloaded”? Regardless, I’m glad you’re feeling better!
Not sponsored at all, just something that works for me! I’m very proud and excited about the partners that I do have and am happy to always disclose partnerships. (so you never have to worry that I’m “pulling one over on you”)
xo
m
WOW!!! Thank you so much for sharing . Your always honest and real and thats why I keep coming back for more and the fact that your a decorating junkie ,project queen ,and DIY diva is a huge bonus 🙂 I had an unexpected 3rd child when I was 37, it had been ten years since my last pregnancy ,my daughter was 12 and son 9. Never experienced PP with either one of them , magic #3 encouraged me to have tubes tied so no more surprises 🙂 I began experiencing the very emotions you have described and because I’m a fighter , I do it all, nothing can shake me ,I thought it was the tubal and realizing i can no longer become pregnant on my own. Did I make a mistake?? I bonded with my baby, I had no feelings of hurting either one us etc. Just in the fog as you describe and the constant self doubt, the torturing myself with all he thoughts am I good enough and more!! Although I did not go to the dr even with everyone saying you have PP go get help, i did start meditating, completely changed our food lifestyle ,we became somewhat Paleo and starting juicing on a daily basis and I started to exercise. All of this combined with tons of prayer from me and my mama , i was able to pull myself through . My baby is 6 now and life is still just as crazy but I am me again:)) I am so thankful for women like you and the others posting on here, we try to do it all and be everything for everyone and so often neglect ourselves. I will keep you close in my prayers , send you lots of positive vibes, and much strength !!!!! Your amazing girl !!!
Thanks for sharing! I wouldn’t wish depression on anybody, but I’m grateful when normal, ambitious, amazing individuals share their stories of depression. I appreciate your openness and hope you continue to feel more like your self and can move forward with the things you love! You are wonderful!
So glad you sought help! I had PPD/PPA after my second, that didn’t “look” like I thought it would, so it was left untreated for many months. I felt extremely close and protective toward my baby- but thought my husband hated him. I really, truly believed that, and it wasn’t until I was making a scrapbook for Father’s Day to send him (he was deployed), and pulled up picture after picture of my husband holding him, playing with him, laughing and smiling, etc., that I realized there was something REALLY wrong. I was floored when I saw them. It is amazing (and so scary) how my ‘reality’ during those first nine months was SO far off. Other, more typical symptoms followed, but the first, and most pronounced, was the absolute certainty that I felt about my husband and son’s relationship. Very eye-opening.
I just had a dear neighbor and friend lose her life because of PPD, and anxiety. You should check out “The Emily Effect” Her husband is trying to bring awareness to this, and create a center where women can be taken care of! One of the keys is to talk about it, and stop feeling shame because of it. Kudos to you for bringing more attention to it!
Mandi- you are such an inspiration! You are my all time favorite blogger hands down! I love how real you are. I just had my second baby 2 weeks ago- she came 3 months early. She is doing really good for her age, but it’s definitely hard to stay strong all the time as a parent. I’m also 6 hours away from my husband and 2 year old- so it gets rough at times. I have my good days and bad days, I always have to tell myself that this is temporary, we will have a normal in our family again eventually. Stay strong and never feel like depression is something to be ashamed of, I have dealt with it many times in my life, and it’s not fun. Just remember that you have so many people who care. 🙂 Since I have been cooped up and having to lay low after having my little baby girl.. I have been watching HGTV a lot. It’s very entertaining to me but I keep thinking, “Mandi from Vintage Revivals should be on here!!!” I don’t love any of the designers style and many of them lack creativity. I’m telling you- you would completely HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK on that show!! You are extremely creative and have such a fresh style! Honestly.. you should call them and tell them to consider you and your husband having a spot on that show! 🙂 Love you Mandi!
You are so out there girl! Good job; us girls need to network and support each other. I’ve just stumbled across your space (loved all of the Nugget info; it turned out so well). I wasn’t going to tune in to your post partum depression notes because its not where I’m at, but I wanted to say I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, keep us posted.
Mandi!
We are same, girlfriend!!! I got PPD baaad with my 4th child. But i later found out that it was more tied to Situational Depression. Turns out my husband was being emotionally and mentally abusive. I was just so brainwashed by his words that I couldnt see it. My PPD went away withing days of leaving him…. So thats my story! I am just glad that I got PPD as bad as I did, so I could learn the true cause of it.
Hang in there girlfriend!! Those thoughts are not you 🙂
Mandi, I too had postpartum for the first seven months that my son was born and I commend you for sharing the struggles here. As a new mom, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect that there isn’t enough room to discuss how we really feel for fear of judgment. To hear you talk about it is amazing. The fact that you recognized and sought help means you’re doing everything right. You are a good mom and amazing woman.