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The New "I Do" Paperback – September 23, 2014

by Susan Pease Gadoua (Author), Vicki Larson (Author)
4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 161 ratings
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If half of all cars bought in America each year broke down, there would be a national uproar. But when people suggest that maybe every single marriage doesn't look like the next and isn't meant to last until death, there's nothing but a rash of proposed laws trying to force it to do just that.

In The New I Do, therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson take a groundbreaking look at the modern shape of marriage to help readers open their minds to marrying more consciously and creatively. Offering actual models of less-traditional marriages, including everything from a parenting marriage (intended for the sake of raising and nurturing children) to a comfort or safety marriage (where people marry for financial security or companionship), the book covers unique options for couples interested in forging their own paths. With advice to help listeners decide what works for them, The New I Doacts as a guide to thinking outside the marital box and the framework for a new debate on marriage in the 21st century.
Previous page
  1. Print length
    241 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    September 23, 2014
  4. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.61 x 8.5 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    1580055451
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1580055451
  7. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"If you think a 50 precent divorce rate is an acceptable statistic, then I suppose you don't have to read this book. For everyone else, this book will give you permission to think out of the box."
—Pepper Schwartz, author of The Normal Bar

"The New I Do is a definite 'gotta get' book, providing you the tools to make your decision to marry a solid and successful one."
—Dr. Charles Sophy, author of Side by Side

“Impressively analyzed and explained… The solid, erudite style pleasantly eschews the usual hype found in other works on the subject. Highly recommended for libraries supporting the helping professions and essential for all marriage therapists.”
—Library Journal

From the Author

Marriage as we know it is dying.

Don't just take our word for it--look at what's happening around you: More than ever before, people are living together without tying the knot, more men and women are delaying marriage or opting out altogether, more couples are having babies outside of marriage, and about 30 to 50 percent of all marriages still end in divorce. Today, "it is possible to live, love, form a family without sex, without children, without a shared home, without a partner, without a working husband, without a heterosexual orientation, or without a 'biological' sexual body," notes sociologist Elisabetta Ruspini.

Perhaps this is an indication that the institution as we've practiced it actually needs to die.

That may be an odd statement in a book about marriage, especially a book that's for marriage. Yes, we are for marriage. But it's clear that couples are already creating romantic partnerships that resist the one-size-fits-all model of marriage that's been presented to them. Rather than continue to encourage people to cram themselves into an old model that isn't working for many, we want to acknowledge what's already happening and encourage you to think about new ways to marry.

Yes, we have the audacity to ask you to throw out whatever image of marriage you have circling around in your mind and start from scratch. Forget you even have a concept of what marriage looks like, especially if it's been tainted by rom-coms, where the boy always gets the girl even though they have issues; TV shows like The Bachelorette, which promote the idea that true love (and a one-carat rock) can really happen in just six weeks; magazines pressuring that you answer "Why Won't He Commit?" or instructing you how to "Get Your Man to Say, 'I Do'"; and "experts" advising you on the "Five Sure- Fire Signs You've Found The One."

While you're at it, please shred the marital messages you got from observing your parents' marriage, too, or your BFF's.

Instead, we are challenging you to imagine that, if you were responsible for building a new model of marriage, what would it look like? What would you do differently? What would you throw out altogether? What would you keep? What kind of marriage do you want?

Then we're going to help you get it.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Seal Press (September 23, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 241 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1580055451
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1580055451
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8.9 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.61 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 161 ratings

About the authors

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  1. Vicki Larson

    Vicki Larson

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    When she was 19, Vicki Larson somehow convinced her parents that she should spend the summer traveling cross-country with friends to gather stories to write the Great American Novel instead of working and saving money for college. She has yet to write that novel, but is incredibly honored and humbled nonetheless to have had a long, enjoyable career telling other people's stories as a journalist and nonfiction author.

    Her forthcoming book on live apart together relationships, "LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work," will be published July 9, 2024, by Cleis Press.

    Her book, "Acting Our Age: How Women are Changing the Story of Aging" (April 4, 2022 by Rowman & Littlefield), was named a Best Book of 2022 by Take the Lead and has earned praise from pro-aging former supermodel Paulina Porizkova.

    She's the co-author of "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels" (Seal Press, 2014), which was featured in a Modern Love essay in The New York Times, and was named a Best Book of 2014 by PopSugar.

    In addition to a being the former award-winning reporter, columnist and editor at a San Francisco Bay Area newspaper, her writing can be found in The New York Times, The Guardian, Aeon, The Washington Post, Newsweek, AARP's The Ethel, The Greater Good Science Center, Marin Magazine, Role Reboot, HuffPost and elsewhere. Her essays have appeared in the anthologies "Nothing But the Truth So Help Me God: 73 Women on Life's Transitions" and "Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in Our 40s," a fundraiser for breast cancer.

    A native New Yorker, Vicki is a divorced mom of two wonderful young men who happen to be taller than she is now so she's a lot nicer to them, and dogmom to a slightly neurotic rescue, Mia.

    See more on the author's page
  2. Susan Pease Gadoua

    Susan Pease Gadoua

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    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Susan Pease Gadoua is a best selling author and speaker. She is a licensed therapist, an expert on marriage and divorce, and has been working with individuals, couples, and families as well as leading groups and workshops for nearly twenty-five years.

    Susan has been a featured guest on numerous radio and television programs across the U.S. and Canada including The CBS Early Show, ABC's View From The Bay, has appeared in publications such as the Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, USA Today, REDBOOK Magazine, and Divorce Magazine. She is also a regular columnist for The Huffington Post and PsychologyToday.com.

    Along with her husband, Michael, and two dogs, Susan lives in Sonoma County, California.

    See more on the author's page
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Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
4.2 out of 5
161 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Alanna K
5.0 out of 5 stars Great, informative book!
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2020
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This book is great for those who are re-thinking what it means to say “I do” and get married. The author promotes so many alternative forms of marriage that are becoming more widely accepted. Ultimately it’s about finding your own style! The writing is clear, direct, and very funny. I enjoyed this book and recommend it to anyone looking to create a marriage based on their own terms.
3 people found this helpful
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RAA
4.0 out of 5 stars Good book. Easy read.
Reviewed in the United States on November 3, 2019
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Good book. Lots of factual information and new ideas.
One person found this helpful
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Lupus
5.0 out of 5 stars A much needed corrective today.
Reviewed in the United States on August 29, 2015
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I admit there was a chapter I skipped, the one on "pre-nups," since it had no relevance to me in any way. Anyone contemplating a purchase of this book should "look inside" and see the Table of Contents, which will give you a good idea of topics discussed. I applaud the intent of the authors to present more objective views on the marital option discussed in that chapter. They don't just list the positives, they list the negatives, too, and then tell you to examine yourself and why you want to marry, and really reflect and discuss with your partner whether this is something you might consider. I differ with the authors in that I honestly don't believe that humans are naturally monogamous. Maybe some couples are so lacking in curiosity and the hormone testosterone that they feel no interest in sexual variety, but I don't think this is the feeling of most of us.
I give the book a high rating because it encourages us to act like reasoning adults and really consider what type of marriage we want or would even see as a possibility. Just pretending all the time because of the many "should's" of traditional religion is not working now, and is already changing. Same-sex couples are marrying now, but even before they came on the public scene, marriage was changing from decade to decade. Couples are not always marrying to have children. Many are creating offspring without a license. And seniors and people who can't, or won't have children are getting married, too. So, marriage is not just about parenthood anymore, but about "love and trust," which are by no means guaranteed to last a lifetime.

And that is why I like this book. It faces the facts head-on, and asks us what we want to do about it. Go on pretending, and cheating, and divorcing and marrying again? Serial monogamy, decade by decade? The authors encourage investigation and reflection about the reality of marriage, not just what some pompous fools tells us we "should" feel about marriage. It's well worth the read, but anyone contemplating a marriage outside the traditional model needs to follow the sound advice this book offers.
11 people found this helpful
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Kristin
3.0 out of 5 stars Meh
Reviewed in the United States on January 14, 2024
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Meh
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Alexandra D.
5.0 out of 5 stars I have been waiting for this book for over a ...
Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2014
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I have been waiting for this book for over a month now. I read it in one night and it really helped clarify many things for me about my marriage. We have been struggling with many issues and this book as given me some real honest insights into what our marriage really is and how to work with what we have. It has given me some peace about my own desires and emotions in my marriage and how to work with what I have and to be okay with finding what I don't have in my marriage other places. This book will help you to ask questions about your own marriage and examine it close up. Well worth the buy!
13 people found this helpful
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Julie Pepper
5.0 out of 5 stars Pushing through paradigm and creating new vision...
Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2017
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I loved Gadoua and Larson’s deft and compassionate handling of the so deeply cherished and at times shackling, oppressive, and indeed, lawful, institution of marriage.

By focusing their lens on this, the marriage paradigm, breaking the traditional form apart and giving us the freedom to play with all the constructs we’ve become so inextricably wed to, I was left with new possibility. In exploring different ways of thinking about why we marry, whom we marry and to what end, "The New I Do," is "romantic" in recognizing that love in marriage is not always, romantic at all, and sometimes the romance lies in the comfort of financial support, transparent desire to be with multiple partners, choosing to parent, together, or apart, and a slew of other ways to join matrimonial forces.

I loved exploring the different ways to be freed from the traditional confines of marriage and was heartened that these authors took the time to initiate, facilitate, and trigger dialogue on a way of being in marriage, without the judgment that usually accompanies anything but, "till death do us part." I learned about new types of marriages and was fascinated by people’s willingness to be married, despite all the hard work that marriage involves.

The authors' ability to discuss the complex subject of marriage with heart, joy, authenticity and playfulness, reminded me why the institution must have been initially created and how our willingness to create a new vision around it, might just bring those qualities back to the forefront.
5 people found this helpful
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Alison Hollenbaugh
4.0 out of 5 stars Not for everyone but a good read.
Reviewed in the United States on August 23, 2015
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Interesting ideas. Not for everyone but a good read.
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Terry Gaspard
5.0 out of 5 stars A Thought Provoking and Fresh Look at Marriage
Reviewed in the United States on February 26, 2016
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"The New I Do’ offers a thought provoking and fresh look at one of the most important questions one can make in life: is marriage worth it? In their new book Gadoua and Larson discuss a range of marriage options that have rarely been written about in so much depth. My favorites were Starter Marriage and Parenting Marriage - because these types aren't often described in books about matrimony. The pros and cons of every option at the end of each chapter is especially informative. This book should be a must-read for couples facing the challenge of whether or not to say ‘I Do!
3 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Diana Medina
5.0 out of 5 stars Me hubiera gustado leer un libro así en la universidad
Reviewed in Mexico on January 29, 2018
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Excelsa relato de los nuevos acuerdos de pareja que se están dando hoy en los Estados Unidos, donde se ha visto que el matrimonio tradicional no funciona por lo que se propone ver la relación de pareja de acuerdo a tu momento de vida, objetivo y necesidades y crear un acuerdo ad hoc. Me parece un excelente libro a favor de una visión del matrimonio flexible que ofrece a las parejas, heterosexuales u homosexuales, alternativas inteligentes para establecer, renovar y consolidar un compromiso dejando de lado la idea del matrimonio para toda la vida. Creo que es una descripción de la nueva realidad que estamos viviendo y que ofrece posibilidades que de otra manera no se me hubieran ocurrido. En verdad, considerar, por ejemplo, un matrimonio para principiantes, donde el acuerdo es vivir juntos tres años sin tener hijos y revisar el acuerdo pasado ese tiempo para decidir si siguen juntos y convierten la relación en un matrimonio para tener hijos… Me hubiera encantado considerar esa posibilidad en mis años de juventud. Este libro pone sobre las mesas las expectativas erróneas y falta de comunicación que contribuyen a que una pareja decida finalizar su relación y divorciarse, y propone los puntos que una pareja tiene que revisar para generar acuerdos, desde la convivencia hasta las responsabilidades económicas. Este libro tendrá que ser traducido al español, es una valiosa contribución para la cultura latinoamericana. Cuestiona nuestros paradigmas y nos muestra buenos resultados, eso es alentador. Muy recomendable para hombres y mujeres de todas las edades.
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Kindle Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read
Reviewed in Australia on April 22, 2019
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This book was a reassuring and eye opening read, putting into words the diverse and equally valid relationships formed around a legal marriage. We are planning to write a marriage plan after reading this, thank you.
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Jeff Catania
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Overview of Alternatives
Reviewed in Canada on September 3, 2016
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I had issues with some of the judgements about what is good or not good and also the way poly is defined as sexual however overall a solid summary of the most key alternatives to standard marriages plus some compelling challenges to societal norms.
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Claudia G. Davila
4.0 out of 5 stars Es una base para explorar opciones
Reviewed in Mexico on December 28, 2019
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El libro está bien estructurado pero puede llegar a sentirse algo repetititivo. Para cada tipo de matrimonio se da una historia de alguien que ya lo está viviendo, se platica un poco de los pros y contras, se agrega una lista de preguntas para revisar si es el tipo de matrimonio adecuado, se dan nuevamente pros y contras a manera de bullet points y se añade una lista de libros para profundizar el tema. Es fácil de seguir y de consultar, no entra a profundidad en ninguno de los tipos de matrimonio.
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Karen G.
4.0 out of 5 stars Helpful and Enjoyalble
Reviewed in Canada on June 7, 2016
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Enjoyed reading this book for giving alternative perspectives on marriage and making it my own. A great read for anyone considering getting married. It encouraged us to sit down and talk about our expectations in our upcoming marriage, which was both fun and calming (in that we were aligned! Might save you some heartache if that process doesn't go well!)
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