1.
GOD: there, my first animal :) SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move? G:like this*shimmies* S: G:just kinda*shimmies* S:dude
2.
I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
3.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
4.
[pet store] Me *looking at snakes* "CAN I FEED THEM?" Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure. Me *putting my kids in tank*
5.
[tour of zoo] kid: "i think its a elephant" me: "are you giving the tour" kid: me: "anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing"
6.
[first day as aquarium guide] Me: & here's 8 snakes biting a soccer ball Guy: that's an octopus Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
7.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time] OMG a foot!
8.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*
9.
[to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore "ssswhy not?" are we getting rain tomorrow? "sssno" do you see how that's confusing?
10.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake's warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
11.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
12.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
13.
[god creating snakes] how about a sock that's angry all the time
14.
[medusa's husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
15.
I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead
16.
[in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope
17.
Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.
18.
Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
19.
"It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!", said someone who believes in talking snakes.
20.
Snake: eat that apple Adam:nah S:u scared A:no S:lol u scared A: *eats apple* S: whoa I didnt thnk u would do it lol sick now eat that poop
21.
*gets down on 1 knee* OMG *puts 2nd knee down* WHAT? *lays on floor* JIM? *snake noises* WHAT ARE YOU DOING? *slithers out of relationship*