How to Fight Ableism as a Nondisabled Person

Written by Luna Rose

Last Updated: November 28, 2021 References

Perhaps you have a disabled loved one, maybe you're an intersectional feminist who wants to live up the name, or perhaps you just want to make the world a better place. Disabled people can always use allies to make their lives better.

Note: This article uses a mix of person-first and identity-first language to respect the variety of community preferences.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Understanding

1
Read articles from well-known disabled writers. Disabled people are the foremost experts on disability, so look for the leading voices. They will show up higher in search engines, and they will say what disability/ies they have on their "about me" page.
2
Research the general opinions of the disability community. Disabled people often experience the misfortune of others speaking for them and over them, and you can avoid doing this by learning what they think. Here are some examples of issues that the disability community discusses:
- Insistence upon only person-first language when some (but not all) disabled people prefer identity-first language ("disabled person").^{[1]
  X
  Research source}^{[2]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  
  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  
  Go to source} Using appropriate language shows respect. If in doubt, ask the individual which they prefer.
- "Inspiration porn," a distorted form of pity that treats it as inspiring when a disabled person succeeds at something or is allowed to participate in society: "This girl is smiling despite the horrible horror of having two prosthetic legs, so all your struggles are invalid."^{[3]
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- Widespread support of harmful organizations, such as Autism Speaks.^{[5]
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  Trustworthy Source
  
  Austistic Self Advocacy Network
  Nonprofit organization run by and for individuals on the autism spectrum that empowers autistic people through education and public advocacy
  
  Go to source}
- Marriage inequality (loss of life-sustaining disability benefits if the person is married^{[6]
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  Research source}^{[7]
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  Research source})
- Abuse and murder perpetrated by caregivers, and the idea that this is an act of mercy or the victim's fault for being a "burden"^{[8]
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  Trustworthy Source
  
  Austistic Self Advocacy Network
  Nonprofit organization run by and for individuals on the autism spectrum that empowers autistic people through education and public advocacy
  
  Go to source}^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
3
Read about common stereotypes that disabled people don't like. You may have unwittingly absorbed negative attitudes, so education can call them to your attention and allow you to act with acceptance. Here are some examples of stereotypes:
- Treating disability as a fate similar to or worse than death^{[10]
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- Disabled people as violent, evil, etc.^{[12]
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- Disability caused by mental weakness or laziness
- All disabled people being childlike or asexual^{[14]
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- Disability being constant suffering; disabled people being incredibly strong for having accomplishments/leaving the house/surviving
4
Pay attention to intersectionality issues. Be sure to read from disabled women, disabled people of color, disabled LGBTQIA people, disabled heavier people, et cetera. An end of ableism means access for all disabled people, not only the straight white male ones.
5
Think about your own attitudes and actions. As you read, it's important to reflect and evaluate yourself. What have you been doing that helps? What have you been doing that hurts? How can you make a difference?
- Have I done this harmful thing that the writer describes? Next time, what could I do instead?
- Have I been dismissive or disrespectful towards disabled people?
- Do I harbor negative attitudes towards people with physical disabilities, mental illnesses, or cognitive disabilities? Do I think of them as worthless, criminal, lazy, or disgusting?
- Do I know how to be polite towards disabled people? Should I read more about good manners?
6
Be patient with yourself. It takes time to understand new things. You will mess up sometimes, and you may be called out for it. Apologize sincerely, carry on with kindness and grace, and forgive yourself. The fact that you made a mistake is less important than how you responded to it.
- It's important to know how not to take criticism personally.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Interacting with Disabled People

1
Treat disabled people with the same common courtesy you'd extend to anyone. Look them in the eye (if they are open to eye contact), and address them directly using a normal vocabulary and tone of voice. Basically, treat them like you would a non-disabled person, with courtesy to any individual needs.
- If you feel the urge to stare, give the person a smile instead. Then continue what you were doing.
- Don't touch service animals or mobility equipment unless the person says it's OK, just like how you wouldn't randomly grab someone's leg without permission.
- Avoid pitying remarks such as "I'll pray for you" or backhanded compliments like "you're so pretty for a girl in a wheelchair."
- Don't ask about their disability if it isn't relevant; they don't need to answer the same questions 15 times every day.
2
See the person and their disability. While you may have heard expressions like "see the person, not the disability," the truth is that the disability is a real part of their lives. You can treat them like a normal human being without needing to pretend that there's no disability.
- See the person: Remember that this person is a normal person. They have their own interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Treat them in an age-appropriate way and avoid making assumptions based on stereotypes.
- See the disability: Adapt to their needs without making a big deal of it. Take them seriously when they try to tell you something, instead of saying "don't label yourself" or "everyone is like that sometimes"—their disability is real regardless of whether you noticed it, and it may affect them much more deeply than you know.
3
Listen when disabled people when they talk about their disabilities. They understand their own bodies and experiences best. Good listening skills are always important, but especially when talking to people who are often talked over.
- Assume that the disabled person is trying their hardest to manage their disability and get the help they need. Don't offer them cures or treatments unless they ask for advice. Chances are, they've already heard of what you're thinking of.
- Remember that they know more about their disability than you do.
- When in doubt, ask "Are you looking for advice, or just a listening ear?" They'll appreciate it.
- Keep in mind that they have reasons for the language they use. For example, it would be rude to say "you're a person with deafness, not a deaf person."
4
Avoid assumptions. You can't usually assess the degree of someone's disability just by looking at them or talking to them for 30 minutes. Disability is complex, so trust them when it comes to their needs—they are the experts on themselves.
- Some people use mobility equipment or alternative communication to make difficult tasks easier (e.g. a wheelchair user who can walk short distances or a partially verbal person who only uses sign language sometimes).
- People can have disabilities without "looking disabled."
- Not all disabled people perfectly match the textbook definition or popular stereotype.
5
Recognize that their abilities may vary from day to day. Level of difficulty can change based on many things—stress, the weather, lack of sleep, how hard they pushed themselves yesterday—some of which are highly variable or not even understood by the disabled person. When in doubt about their needs, just ask.
- A wheelchair user who shows up walking with a cane today is not necessarily faking it or "getting better." He is probably just having an easier time walking today.
- An autistic woman who is normally full of hugs may not be able handle the input when she is stressed. Don't take it personally if she says no.
- A depressed person can smile and laugh at a party and feel miserable the next day. This is nobody's fault.
6
Ask about their needs as relevant. If you mean well and intend to help, most disabled people are glad you asked. This can allow them to be more comfortable or safe, and they'll trust you to respect their needs in the future.
- "Do you have any needs that I should be aware of in general?"
- "Should I move this chair out of your way?"
- "You mentioned that you have PTSD from sexual assault, and this movie has a pretty intense sex scene. Is this OK, or would you rather watch a different movie?"
- "You look like you're having a hard time. What would make it better?"
7
Respect their problems and emotions, visible or not. Many disabled people don't discuss how deep their troubles run—it's often personal, and they don't want to upset you. If they say something is really hard for them, then assume it is, even if you don't personally witness them struggling.
- People with chronic pain and other disabilities may have an excellent poker face.
- Respond with compassion if they have a panic attack, meltdown, psychotic episode, or other breakdown. (Call one of their loved ones if you don't know what to do.)
8
Treat their disability as natural. This can be an enormous relief to people who have to put up with others treating them as burdens or curiosities.
- Accommodate without a fuss. "Loud noises hurt your ears? Okay, I'll shut the door more quietly from now on."
- Don't make a big deal out of difficulties. For example, if a restaurant is inaccessible and your friend doesn't want to make a scene, offer to find another place.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Correcting Bad Habits

1
Only help someone who actually needs help. Sometimes, people with obvious cognitive or mobility disabilities end up having "helpers" get in their way. It's okay to help someone who is struggling, but there's no need to intervene if they're getting by just fine. Ask before assuming.
- Just because someone is moving slowly doesn't mean that they need help.
- If the person has pressed a button for an automatic door, or has opened the door by themselves, they don't need you to hold it for them.
- Don't assume you know what the person is trying to do. For example, if someone in a wheelchair approaches a chair, it could be that the chair is in their way... or maybe they want to go sit in it.
- Never start pushing someone in a wheelchair without consent. It can be scary for someone to sneak up behind you, grab you, and start moving you.
Tip: When in doubt, you can always ask "Would you like some help with that?" Then listen to the answer.
2
Stop judging people for being slow-moving, odd, awkward, or unsociable. Some people have invisible disabilities that make it harder to socialize or get by in the world. Cut them a little slack and refuse to think less of them for struggling.
- Be patient with people who seem socially awkward or clueless. Instead of judging them, gently help them pick up on cues that they missed (e.g. saying "I think he doesn't feel like talking; let's leave him alone").
- If someone seems very shy or doesn't want to make small talk, don't make a big deal out of it. They might be having a rough day.
- Sometimes people who fidget, wear headphones in public, avoid eye contact, and/or wear odd clothing need to do this in order to stay comfortable.
- Someone who moves oddly or slowly may be dealing with chronic pain or difficulty with their motor skills.
3
Don't armchair diagnose people, especially people you dislike. It's okay to be frustrated with other people and to wonder why they act the way they do. But labeling them with a mental illness or disability out loud can harm your relationship^{[15]
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Research source} and increase stigma.^{[16]
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- For example, if you tell your friends that your rude and distant father might be autistic, it won't make things better between you and your father... but your sweet and secretly autistic friend might decide she can't trust you enough to confide in you.
- Posting internet rants saying "this awful person probably has X disorder" can alienate people with that diagnosis and make them feel like nobody likes them.^{[17]
  X
  Research source} That's an awful feeling.
Tip: If you truly suspect that someone you know has a diagnosable condition, don't spread that around. Consider talking to the person directly if you want to help them, or telling your therapist/counselor if you're having a hard time with the relationship.
4
Stop using disabilities and mental illnesses to describe unusual behavior. Conditions and illnesses are diagnosable conditions, not quirky adjectives. If you aren't talking about the real condition, then don't use the name: it's not cute. If you have this bad habit, try replacing with words like:
- OCD: organized, particular, controlling
- Bipolar: moody, indecisive, extreme, unpredictable
- Depressed: sad, tired, dismayed
- ADHD: hyper, inattentive, random
- Autistic: clueless, naive, unemotional, self-centered
Tip: Even if you're making a joke, like "I'm so OCD!" or "the weather is bipolar," you can alienate people with disabilities/illnesses by making them think that you don't understand what they're going through. It's rude, not cute.
5
Work on removing ableist language from your vocabulary. Stop calling people who disagree with you crazy, willfully ignorant people deaf or blind, foolish people -tards, or anyone stupid. These all refer to people with disabilities.^{[18]
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Research source} They imply that disability is insulting, and that disability is antithetical to agreeing with your or having a reasonable opinion.^{[19]
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Research source}^{[20]
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Research source} Work on using more precise language. Here are some example substitutions for ableist language:
- Crazy/insane: unreasonable, erratic, wild
- Stupid/r*tarded: ridiculous, nonsensical, childish, dangerous
- Blind to/deaf ears: refusing to listen, willfully ignorant
- Triggered: (in a joking context) upset, angry, irrational, throwing a tantrum
Tip: Similarly, don't use disability traits as a rhetorical device, like making a "stupid" voice by making yourself sound like you have a speech impediment in order to mock someone or something you dislike.

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Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Interacting with Society

1
Amplify disabled voices on social media. Pass along that "Disability Manners 101" article or "How to Help a Depressed Friend" PDF. You don't have to be disabled to share disability resources! This is an easy way to educate people and promote understanding attitudes.
2
Celebrate disability awareness/acceptance events. This can educate people who don't have the specific disability, and provide emotional support to those who do. Your friend with Down Syndrome may light up when you dress up in blue and yellow to celebrate World Down Syndrome Day.
- Check with the disability community before celebrating an event, in case it is run by a harmful group or promotes dangerous ideas.
- You can participate in online activities (like #REDinstead) and/or events in person.
3
Fight the idea that strong emotions are a sign of weakness. The idea that suffering should be hidden contributes to mentally ill people's reluctance to seek help, and hinders understanding of all disabled people's problems.
- People with ADHD, autistics, and people with certain mental illnesses and personality disorders can experience strong emotions.
- Men face additional pressure not to appear "weak" or "girly." Rigid gender roles are not good for anyone. Treat men's emotions as worth sharing, and consider your own prejudices.
4
Talk to your friends when they say or do rude or harmful things.^{[21]
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Research source}^{[22]
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Research source} This can be a huge relief to disabled people, so they don't have to constantly bear the burden of educating others.
- "That's not funny."
- "Hey, that language is really hurtful to people with disabilities. Please don't use it."
- "That's not fair. Would you treat a non-disabled person the same way?"
- "Bipolar disorder is a serious illness. I'd say the weather is very indecisive, though."
- "How do you think a Deaf person would feel if they heard you saying that?"
Tip: It doesn't always need to be a long conversation. Sometimes one quick sentence can be enough to let someone know that what they did was inappropriate.
5
Be respectful and mature when someone tells you your language or behavior was inappropriate. Calling others out can be a very scary thing to do (especially for disabled people), and you need to make it clear that you're a safe person. Listen, apologize, and work on doing better.
- If you cannot accept criticism with grace, then you are probably not ready for activism.
6
Treat everyone with compassion and respect. You never know who is disabled, nor do you know who is struggling or having a really bad day. Give second chances when people make honest mistakes. Treat people as having equal human dignity, no matter how difficult it is for them to pass a test or brush their own teeth. All people, disabled or not, deserve respect.

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Tips

Make sure you aren't taking up accessible spaces when others might need them. Stay out of accessible restrooms, parking spaces, and classroom desks if you don't have a disability. If the elevator is crowded, try taking the stairs so that there's room for disabled people to go up or down. You have your choice of places, but some people with disabilities don't.

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