Relationships & Conflicts: Takes Communication & Commitment

Building a strong relationship takes work. When one partner has bipolar disorder, thriving together takes a more focused effort. Here is what helps couples cope.

Shared Interests & Coping Strategies

Maureen met her husband, Gary, decades years ago. They were both on a bowling team for people in the music business—she booked internationally known artists, he was a touring jazz musician.

By the time they got married, they’d known each other nearly ten years. Then, two years later, she was diagnosed with bipolar I.

The California grandmother has a proactive array of self-management strategies, including seeing a therapist weekly, belonging to a support group, practicing yoga and tai chi, and studying mindfulness. Still, her moods fluctuate almost on a daily basis.

Through a lot of trial and error, the couple has found positive ways to cope when the going gets rough. For example, Maureen acknowledges when she is entering an irritable phase and wants some time to calm down. If the immediate whirlwind doesn’t subside, Gary might go for a walk.

“At first I would say to myself, ‘How could he do that? Why is he leaving me when I need him the most?’ I was definitely confronted with that,” she says.

“Now we’ve developed a way to turn a bad situation into something that works for the good … to defuse the tension that’s inevitable.”

Sometimes humor works for them. Her husband might crack a joke or reference a funny episode from their past. Or they’ll sing together in the voices of Elmer Fudd or Betty Boop.

“Laughter is the greatest medicine,” Maureen says.

Bipolar Disorder & Maintaining Relationships

Strong relationships don’t build themselves. They take work if a couple is to endure and thrive together. Maintaining a relationship when bipolar disorder is involved requires even more focused effort.

Even when a partner knows what to expect, mood shifts can be hard to weather. Symptoms at both ends of the spectrum—retreating into yourself or lashing out, paralyzing lethargy or manic overdrive, seeping despair or hurtful hypersexuality—can easily strain a significant other’s patience.

In the midst of an episode, you may come across as unreasonable, self-centered, or downright disrespectful. On your side, heightened emotions or paranoid thinking might leave you feeling misunderstood.

A successful relationship—whether in the dating stage or after decades of marriage—isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about a mutual commitment to resolve conflict. It’s about perseverance and honest communication.

“We owe it to each other to be able to talk openly about this,” says LaRae of Maine, who has been with her high school sweetheart, Jordan, for 18 years.

The couple got married in 2006, two years before LaRae received an initial diagnosis of bipolar II. While she’s in treatment and generally stable, she still struggles with depression and has occasional swings into hypomania. A full-blown manic episode last year led to a revised diagnosis of bipolar I.

LaRae, who writes the blog Bipolar Laid Bare, says she and her husband have gotten through tough times by thinking about the diagnosis as a family condition. They say dealing with it as a family requires good collaboration and communication.

Notes Jordan: “The key is to fight those symptoms and their consequences together instead of turning that combative energy toward each other.”

They do that strategically, reviewing situations after the fact so they’ll be better equipped to deal with similar circumstances in the future.

“When we feel like we’re more prepared from what we’ve talked about in the past, it’s easier to go with the flow and help each other out,” LaRae explains.

Staying on top of her state of mind lets her give Jordan advance notice when she feels symptoms surfacing. That helps avert clashes in the first place.

“I say, ‘I feel like I want to isolate myself,’ or, ‘I’m starting to feel uptight and anxious and irritable, so I’m sorry if I react quickly and negatively towards you,’” she says. “It’s just about getting a step ahead of what I think my mood might be.”

Part of getting ahead has been to memorize a list of adjectives to help identify exactly what’s behind her moods.

“I don’t just say I feel depressed,” LaRae continues. “I say that I’m anxious, or jittery, or angry. Knowing ahead of time that I have those words in my war chest is really good for me so that I don’t have to come up with them in the moment. Then it’s easier to express what I’m feeling, and he can respond in kind.”

For his part, Jordan knows that sometimes he needs to temper his responses. A friend of theirs who works as a communication specialist taught him a trick for approaching his wife when she’s in the middle of an episode.

Explains Jordan:  “I’ll say, ‘Are you in a position to take feedback right now?’”

“If I say no,” LaRae adds, “then he respects that and we come back to it later.”

Safe Space

Giving each partner some room is crucial for maintaining intimacy, balance, and, counterintuitively, security, says Avrum Nadigel, MSW, author of Learning to Commit: The Best Time to Work on Your Marriage is When You’re Single.

“As musicians know, music is about the space between the notes,” says Nadigel, a family and relationship therapist in Toronto. “Relationships need space to breathe.”

According to Nadigel, people with the fewest supportive relationships in their family network tend to depend the most on a romantic relationship to fill any voids in how they connect with themselves and others.

When someone relies too heavily on a partner, he explains, it can be too much responsibility for the other person and will ultimately cause the relationship to buckle under the pressure. That’s why it’s vital that each partner cultivate life goals and friendships outside of the relationship.

Nadigel also warns against comforting notions like “all you need is love” and “love conquers all.” That strong emotion is the fuel that ignites bonding and attraction during the early phases of a relationship, he says, but love alone may burn out without careful tending.

“We need to break the myth that ‘Together, my beloved and I are going to fight the great battles with love at our side,’” he says. “That is just a fantasy.”

The partner with the health issue needs to do as much as possible to stay well and self-reliant. It’s also important to not interpret a significant other’s request for outside assistance as a betrayal, Nadigel adds.

Self-management includes learning from your own mistakes. Dan of Minnesota tries to bring the wisdom of experience into his current relationship of six years and counting. He says a good network of friends who also have mood disorders has provided valuable insights, such as how to be more patient as a partner.

“I’ve learned I just need to step away sometimes and realize I don’t have to be right all the time,” says Dan, who was diagnosed with bipolar II in 2007. “And I don’t have to have the last word in an argument.”

Giving the object of your desire some space may be even more important in the early stages of romance. (The intense hookups powered by mania are another matter entirely and should be viewed as symptomatic, unlike reality-based relationships.)

According to Christopher Doran, MD, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center, anxiety, depression, and self-doubt—not to mention past experience—may intensify the fear of getting rejected for people with bipolar and cause them to feel more desperate about making things work.

Doran explains: “They may constantly question themselves: ‘Am I doing too much? Am I doing too little? Should I call twice a day to really show that I care?’ They may, in a sense, sabotage the relationship by trying too hard.”

Disclosure Dilemma

Natasha of Vancouver had one less thing to worry about when she and her partner, Mark, started dating two years ago. Because they were already friends, Mark “had been through some of my episodes and knew what he was getting into from the first place,” explains Natasha, who has bipolar I.

It’s a little trickier when you’re diving into the great unknown. The question of when to disclose your diagnosis generates widely different answers. Some people like to get the information out there right from the get-go. Others like to establish a bit of history, to forge a connection, before sharing the information.

If you wait too long, though, you risk losing everything you’ve invested in a new relationship if the other person backs off because of learning you have bipolar.

One common recommendation is to share your diagnosis—along with information about bipolar as a treatable medical condition and insights into what you do to stay well—around the third or fourth date.

“By that time you have a sense whether you’re connecting, whether a relationship looks like it has some promise,” Doran explains.

In the end, though, it’s a personal decision. Even the fifth or sixth date may feel too soon for some. Joan Jessup (a pen name used on her memoir Bipolar Goggles) waited two months before having “the talk” with her current husband, Ronny. They’ve been together eight years, married for five.

“This is the longest relationship I’ve been able to maintain,” admits Joan, who lives in Florida.

That longevity may have something to do with the fact that she understands her bipolar better now. She continues to journal through her moods as they happen so she can come up with coping strategies for avoiding new triggers.

Back at that two-month mark with Ronny, Joan announced they were “going to have a really weird date night.” She divulged her diagnosis and the outcomes of her past relationships, took responsibility for “wrecking all of them,” and made it clear that knowing someone with bipolar and living with someone who has bipolar are very different.

Ronny wasn’t scared off. Instead, he participates in problem-solving to address her symptomatic behavior. Over the years, the couple has devised methods that work when Joan grows manic—which can happen despite a regular medication regimen and quarterly visits to her psychiatrist.

Because overspending is one of her symptoms, she explains, the couple made a mutual decision to restrict her access to the family’s credit cards and bank account. When she wants to make a purchase, the two of them stop to consider her state of mind. If she’s showing signs of euphoria, her husband will go with her to provide a reality check if needed.

“He’s very careful not to offend me or make me think I’m like a child,” she says.

They’ve also learned that an abrupt shift in her cuddling habits—from snuggling happily to not wanting to be touched—means it’s a good time for her husband to back off so Joan can watch television alone or write in her journal.

While it’s important to be open about what you need and how your partner can best help, it’s equally important to make sure you know what your partner needs from you.

Natasha relies on help from Mark when her depressive episodes keep her in bed. Then she’s careful to give him some space once she is at the point where she can take care of herself or seek support from close friends.

“He needs time to address his reaction to me being like that, to recollect his thoughts,” she says. “It’s not easy having to see your partner deal with dark emotions. Then when I’m feeling better, we can start talking about what happened. It’s important for us to talk when we’re both ready.”

Read More: 
Bipolar & Relationships: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
3 Tips to Keep Your Relationships on Track

Printed as “The Sweethearts Deal,” Summer 2016
Originally posted July 1, 2016