Chapter Text
Waverly tells Nicole she’s leaving ten days after they watch Perry take Alice away, and the only thing she can think to say is, “Where are we going?”
“No, I mean—” Waverly’s eyes are wet, and Nicole doesn’t understand what’s happening.
“I’m leaving.”
Nicole just stares at her, feeling panic bubble up in her chest. “I don’t under—”
“I’m leaving Purgatory. I can’t— I need—” Waverly huffs out a breath, wipes at her eyes. “I can’t do this.”
Nicole doesn’t know if she means the conversation, or.
“Wynonna shot Willa, and I was possessed by a demon, and then the Widows and Tucker, and you nearly died.” Waverly finally meets her eyes, her words coming out like they’re tripping over each other. “You nearly died, Nicole. And then I screwed everything up, and nearly got everyone killed just to save you, and Wynonna sent Alice away, and… and I’m not an Earp, and I can’t do this.”
“Waverly, let’s just take a minute here.”
Waverly steps backwards away from her, and Nicole knows she’s already made up her mind.
“Don’t come looking for me, okay?” Waverly’s eyes are pleading and her voice cracks in the middle of the last word.
She wants to reach for her, but she grips her belt hard instead. “You can’t leave. Wynonna needs you.” It’s the only thing she can think of that might make her change her mind.
“Wynonna has a family. And I’m not an Earp.”
“Like hell you’re not.” It comes out a lot angrier than she intended, and one corner of Waverly’s mouth quirks up.
“That’s what she said too. Look after her.”
“Waverly—”
She turns and walks away, arms wrapped tightly around herself. She’s never looked so small.
Nicole watches her go.
//
When she goes home that night, the few things Waverly had started leaving around her apartment are gone, and she falls into her bed fully clothed and sobs until she can’t anymore.
//
She has never called in sick in her life, but she does it the next day, her raw throat and scratchy voice supporting the lie.
She doesn’t get out of bed, but she strips her clothes off down to her underwear and then lies there staring at the ceiling, no energy left to find new ones.
Her cell rings insistently, and she reaches for it, seeing Wynonna’s name on the screen.
She doesn’t plug the charger in, and it rings until the battery dies.
//
Wynonna’s drunk when she shows up three days later, whiskey bottle swinging loosely from her hand.
They just stare at each other for a long moment while Wynonna sways against the doorframe, and then Nicole steps aside so she can come in.
Wynonna looks how she feels, and she leads her to the kitchen table wordlessly, kicking back the chair until Wynonna sits down.
“She left, Haught,” Wynonna says eventually, and her voice sounds so broken Nicole can’t stand it.
“Yeah.” She has no idea what else to say.
Wynonna just looks at her helplessly, and Nicole feels something squeeze tight in her chest.
Nicole tugs the bottle out of Wynonna’s hands and takes a long pull. She splutters a bit when she puts it back down on the table, and Wynonna pats her hand just once as she takes it back.
“You have to go back to work,” Wynonna says eventually. “Things are going to hell without you.”
Nicole just nods, not wanting to say she feels like she's already there. “Yeah, okay.”
“You also need to take a shower.”
Nicole huffs out a sort of laugh, and Wynonna catches her eye with a sad smile, and it doesn’t help much, but.
//
She goes back to work two days later, uniform pressed, hair clean.
The other deputies give her terse nods of greeting like they’re not sure what to do, but Nedley puts a fatherly hand on her shoulder absentmindedly when he goes by her desk, and she swallows hard against the lump in her throat.
//
Dolls is in the break room getting coffee when she goes to get her lunch, and he nods at her when she looks at him.
“I’m glad you’re back, Haught.”
Nicole wonders if when Wynonna said things were going to hell, she didn’t mean with Nedley and the boys, and she fills her cup, takes a sip before she says, “I’m ready when you need me.”
She hopes he can't hear the way her voice shakes, and she slides her uneaten lunch off of the counter into the trash before she turns and walks away.
//
At the end of her shift, Nedley slaps two glasses down on the end of her desk, two fingers of whiskey in both of them, and sighs heavily. “She's a damn fool, Haught.”
She reaches for the glass and makes a noncommittal noise in the back of her throat. It's not really agreement, and Nedley sighs again.
Nicole’s knuckles turn white around the glass as she sips the drink. It's better than the stuff Wynonna buys, doesn't quite burn down her throat.
“Okay,” Nedley says eventually, standing up with a grunt. “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
He's halfway back to the door when she says, “Thank you, sir,” and he just nods once, his back still to her, before he ducks inside.
//
She stares at her phone sometimes, in the dark of her room, late at night.
The screen is open to her conversation with Waverly, but there’s been no new messages since she left two weeks ago.
She wants to ask where she is, if she’s safe, tell her that she misses her and loves her and—
Her hand shakes as she thumbs the back button, until the thread closes and she’s staring at the selfie Waverly had taken of them and then set as Nicole’s background with a shy smile.
She stares at it for a long time, her thumb stroking against Waverly’s smiling face.
She stares until her tears make the picture blur.
//
Nedley gives her a week of night shifts after she snaps at Lonnie one too many times in front of him, and she ghosts around the station, enjoying the quiet.
There’s a light flickering through the door of the Black Badge office at 2am, and she taps once before she goes in, expecting Dolls and thinking she might be able to help. They still haven’t really talked about Bulshar.
She stumbles to a stop when she finds Wynonna instead, her head in her hands as she slumps over Jeremy’s computer. Her shoulders shake, and Nicole shifts uncomfortably, her hand twisting round her belt buckle.
She's caught between wanting to help and not wanting to intrude, some part of her mind shouting about how Waverly had told her to take care of Wynonna before she left and this is what she meant.
“I wasn’t expecting it to be this hard,” Wynonna says, voice hoarse, and Nicole thinks she’s talking to her before she hears another voice answer softly from the computer speakers.
For a second, hope lurches in her chest when she thinks it might be Waverly, but she recognises the voice as Gus even though she can’t make out what she’s saying, and the hope twists into something more painful.
Wynonna sighs at what Gus says next and looks up, her eyes catching Nicole’s across the room.
“Shit,” Wynonna says, one hand halfway to Peacemaker, the other coming up to wipe at her eyes. “Shit, Haught, wear a bell or something.”
“Sorry,” she mumbles. “I thought Dolls was—” She shakes her head and swallows the rest of it. “Who are you talking to?”
Wynonna sniffs, but she beckons her closer, and when Nicole steps around to view the screen, she sees Gus blinking back at her, unimpressed. She swallows, and her eyes slide sideways to where Alice is tucked into the crib next to Gus fast asleep, one tiny hand curled around the edge of the blue blanket Perry had taken her away in.
“She looks peaceful,” Nicole says softly, and watches a tiny smile flicker onto Wynonna’s face.
“One of us should be.”
//
There's more than enough police work to distract her. Parking tickets to write, neighborly disagreements to settle, a robbery at the old abandoned factory over on Pine.
She responds to every call, takes overtime when Nedley offers it, ignoring the concerned look on his face.
The other deputies are older than her. They have families, kids they want to see on the weekends.
Nicole has no one.
She tries to lose herself in it, but she misses Waverly waiting for her in the bullpen when she gets back from patrol around town, a soft smile and softer hands reaching for her as she sits down at her desk.
No one brings her lunch and no one waits for her to finish her shift, and it takes nearly three weeks before she stops looking up expectantly every time the door opens just in case Waverly came back.
//
The notification that her divorce has gone through arrives when Waverly’s been gone for just over a month.
She stares at the letter for a long time, until a broken-sounding laugh forces its way out of her mouth, bubbling up from low in her throat before turning into loud, noisy sobs.
//
The nights she finishes work on time, she brings dinner over to the homestead, because she’s seen Wynonna cook and the last thing Waverly said to her was to look after her sister.
They sit in silence, mostly. Picking at their food, until Wynonna sighs and retrieves a bottle of whiskey from whichever place she’s got it stashed that day.
Nicole has always preferred beer, never thought she could get used to the way it burns down her throat.
She doesn’t even feel it anymore.
//
It takes her six weeks to work up the courage to ask Wynonna if she’s heard from Waverly, and she wishes she hadn’t when she catches Wynonna’s expression before she turns away.
“R-right,” Nicole stutters. “Me either.”
It hurts more than she thought it would, but at least it’s not just her.
//
Waverly’s been gone nearly two months when she almost shoots a civilian, thinking he’s a revenant. Wynonna shouts her name at the last minute, and Doc takes the gun from her limp hands and slides the clip out, leading her back to her cruiser with a sympathetic look in his eyes that she hates.
She’s pretty sure Dolls says something to Nedley, and she doesn’t get suspended or have to have a psych eval, but she does get put on desk duty for a month.
She unclips her belt and puts her gun down on Nedley’s desk before he can even ask, and he sighs heavily as he leans back in the chair.
“She’ll come back, Haught.”
“Sir,” she says neutrally, eyes fixed on the wall behind his head.
“Earps always do.”
But what if she doesn't think she's an Earp? she wants to ask, and her vision blurs. She leaves before the first tear falls.
//
She wonders why Waverly left when she can't sleep, turns it over in her mind like it's one of those hypothetical problems they gave them at the academy.
Nicole would always get to the answer first, but it doesn't work that way now.
Motive, she thinks, starting at the beginning, but there's too many to get a handle on and her thoughts jumble.
She's never left Purgatory. She thinks she's not an Earp. She needs it to stop. She needs to work out who she is without an overbearing girlfriend hovering over her shoulder.
She never wanted to be with Nicole.
Solution, she thinks desperately, but she can't think of any at all.
//
They get the first postcard ten weeks after Waverly leaves. It arrives at the homestead, the address written in Waverly’s neat looping letters with no name at the top.
The only thing it says is, I’m safe, and Nicole flips it over to look at the palm trees and beach on the other side.
If she’s in California, she’s traveling down the coast, and the cop part of her mind starts mapping out probable routes she could take next and where Nicole might find her.
She remembers too late Waverly told her not to follow.
“She’ll miss the snow,” Wynonna says beside her, voice tight. “That much sun isn’t good for anyone.”
Nicole can’t even pretend to laugh.
She bets Waverly looks amazing with a tan.
//
“Why did she leave?” she slurs, as Wynonna and Doc carry her from Shorty’s back to her apartment. “Why doesn’t she call?”
It’s been another two weeks and they’ve heard nothing else from her, and that’s somehow worse than the fact that she’s gone at all.
“I don’t know,” Wynonna swallows, not looking at her, the alcohol making her eyes bright in the dark.
She’s lying, Nicole knows, but she can’t remember why.
Wynonna has her arms around her while Doc gets the door open, and she presses her face into Wynonna’s coat so they won’t see her cry.
//
Chrissy Nedley brings her lunch at the station when she’s on desk duty, picking up two sandwiches or a salad instead of one when she's trying to get her dad to eat something that at least involves vegetables.
“You don't have to—” Nicole starts to say, but Chrissy just lays a hand on her arm and gives her a look so Nicole says, “thank you,” instead and starts to unwrap it. She’s seen that look work on Nedley too many times to try to fight it.
“Look after a cop and a cop looks after you,” Chrissy says brightly, “that’s what my dad always says.”
“It’s kinda my job to look after people,” Nicole says around a mouthful of chicken. It's good, made better by the fact she can't remember if she's eaten yet today. “And I’m pretty sure Nedley only tells you that so you’ll bring him lunch.”
Wynonna finds them together, Chrissy perched on the end of her desk laughing, and just raises her eyebrows at her from the front desk.
It’s where Waverly used to sit when she was waiting for Nicole to finish her shifts, and Nicole lifts one shoulder in a shrug as she takes another bite.
//
She doesn't see Wynonna for a week.
She's not at Black Badge, and when she drives over to the homestead no one answers the door.
It makes the ache in her chest since Waverly left get worse, and she works three days of double shifts just to give herself something to do.
She doesn't know what happened, but she thinks it's her fault, and her calls go straight to voicemail every time she tries.
//
When she gets home from the station, there’s a thick letter shoved in her mailbox, and she recognises the handwriting at once, kicking the door closed behind her as she rips it open.
There’s no return address, and she drops the envelope, not even looking where it lands.
There are three pages Nicole thinks are from one of the notebooks Waverly likes, neat looping handwriting covering both sides.
She closes her eyes for a second and exhales noisily before she starts reading.
Nicole,
Please don’t throw this away.
I’ve wanted to write this since I was on the bus out of town, to explain what happened and why I left. I owe it to you at the very least. And Wynonna, too. I hope you’re looking out for her. I’m in a diner in the Midwest, and all the towns look the same. Just wide open fields for miles, then a few buildings and back to fields. It’s sort of like Purgatory, only without the mountains and snow.
And without you.
I don’t know how to do this. Remember when I said that to you when we kissed for the first time? You said I did, and the way you looked at me made me believe it. I wish I could borrow some of your confidence now.
I miss you, Nicole. So much. As soon as the bus crossed out of the Triangle I wanted to come back. But the part of me that wanted to leave in the first place convinced me not to. The truth is, I needed it to stop. Not like the way the world stops when I’m with you—when you kiss me and I don’t care about anything else but that moment. But really stop. Stop like I needed to run away from Waverly Earp for a while.
Nicole feels tears at the corner of her eyes where it looks like Waverly has almost crossed out Earp then thought better of it.
I keep having nightmares that Clootie has already killed you all, and it’s my fault. I keep having nightmares about you in that hospital bed, and I know I’d do it all again. I don’t know how to deal with that. I betrayed my sister, and my friends, to save you just so some other thing could kill us. And then I ran away before I could help you stop it.
After Mikshun, I used to have dreams where I was locked inside my body watching it do things I couldn’t control. That’s how I felt after it was gone, and things kept happening so fast. The Widows and Tucker and the DNA test and the hospital. The only times I felt real was when I was with you. But it’s not fair to put that on you. And when I thought I’d lost you, there was no choice at all, and then the demon might as well have been in control of me again.
I don’t know if this even makes sense. I just knew I had to write it. I had to explain. Or try to at least.
It was so hot in California. It made me miss you so much because all I could think was what’s the point of somewhere so hot? You wouldn’t need to wrap yourself around me at night to keep me warm. I didn’t stay there long.
I’m coming back, Nicole. I promise.
And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. When I come back it’s the only thing you’ll hear me say for a while, okay? I hope you’ll be able to forgive me. I hope you still love me.
Waverly’s handwriting has gotten shakier, and Nicole wipes at her eyes.
I love you. I always will.
Look after Wynonna please.
Your Waverly.
Nicole’s eyes burn as she stares down at the way Waverly has signed it.
Her hands shake as she flips back to the front page and starts again.
//
She falls asleep with the letter in her hand curled up under her head, and wakes up in the morning with it stuck to her face.
She reads it through again, although she practically knows it by heart, using her fist to try and smooth the paper out against the sheets.
The words blur until all she can see is I love you and I’m coming back. They settle into her, in the place where her chest aches, right before her eyes land on look after Wynonna please, and she climbs out of bed.
//
Jeremy blurts out that Wynonna’s at the homestead before Dolls can stop him, and she drives over there, determined not to leave until Wynonna opens the door, Waverly’s letter folded neatly in the back pocket of her jeans.
She thinks she can feel it, hot through the denim.
She has to knock four times, but it works. Wynonna opens the door and stands there with her arms folded across her chest, eyes hard.
“Hey,” Nicole says, forcing herself to stand straight under Wynonna’s glare. “I haven't seen you around.”
“I guess we’ve both been busy.” The way she says the last word is heavy with something Nicole doesn't understand.
“Sure,” Nicole tries. “So what's going on?”
Wynonna’s eyes narrow, and she huffs out a laugh. “Nothing much. How about you? Moving on to the Sheriff’s daughter? Go big or go homo.”
Nicole only just manages to stop herself from taking a step backwards at her tone of voice.
“I— um. What.”
“I didn’t realise you were Chrissy Nedley’s type.”
“I didn’t—” she snaps her mouth shut, completely lost. “I’m sorry, are you pissed at me about something?”
“No,” Wynonna says gruffly, shifting her weight to the side. “You can do who you want.”
Wynonna slams the door behind her and shoves past Nicole before Nicole can get out of the way. She feels Peacemaker, rough against her hip.
Just before she gets to the porch steps, Wynonna stops but she doesn’t turn round. “Waverly’s been gone less than three months. And you’re already forgetting about her.”
The anger flares quickly, and she balls her hands into fists before she can stop herself. “Because Chrissy Nedley brought me a sandwich? Jesus. Grow up, Wynonna.”
Wynonna huffs out a breath, but she doesn’t say anything else before she stomps down the steps and heads for the barn, Peacemaker in her hand.
Nicole just watches her go.
//
Chrissy’s in the bullpen when she gets back to the station, brown paper bag in her hands.
“Hey,” Chrissy says, smiling when she sees her. “I got you a burger.”
It smells so good, so she takes it gratefully, fumbling a little as she unwraps it. Chrissy’s eyes are soft as she watches her, and she nearly drops it when she remembers what Wynonna was accusing her of, and has to steady her hands.
“It's dad’s cheat day,” Chrissy rolls her eyes. “And you don't look like you eat enough.”
Nicole shifts in her seat, thinking about the first month after Waverly left and how everything hurt too much, including eating regular meals. She's been better since then, though late nights and whiskey with Wynonna probably aren't helping.
She didn’t think anyone would notice.
Nicole takes a bite and hums appreciatively. “Thanks, Chrissy.”
Chrissy pats her shoulder as she turns towards Nedley’s office. “You should take better care of yourself then I wouldn't haven't to.”
Her voice is just tight enough for Nicole to know Chrissy is telling her off, and she swallows the mouthful of burger and waves a hand, trying to keep the mood light. “Would you still bring me burgers at work? Because if not, no deal.”
It works, and Chrissy laughs as she ducks through Nedley’s door.
//
She gets a call about trouble at Shorty’s a week after she's been back on active duty, and on the way there she tries not to think about the first time she’d seen Waverly, shirt soaked through behind the bar.
She pushes through the doors with the ghost of the confidence she'd felt back then, and takes in Wynonna, obviously drunk, Peacemaker swinging round wildly to point at the few people left in the bar.
“Hey Wynonna,” Nicole calls, and Wynonna spins round to point Peacemaker at her, before her eyes widen and she drops it down to her side. “What’s going on, girl?”
“That crazy bitch nearly shot at us,” one of the men at the bar says, while his buddies nod along with him.
“I still might,” Wynonna takes a step closer to him, but Nicole cuts her off, looping an arm around her waist and pulling her away from them, ignoring Wynonna’s protests. Wynonna slumps down onto a stool when they get to the table in the corner, and Nicole stays standing in front of her.
She tries to make herself big, blocking Wynonna’s line of sight, the way she'd been taught.
“Wynonna,” she says again, drawing Wynonna’s attention back to her. “Are you okay?”
Wynonna stares at her for a moment, her eyes glassy from the whiskey Nicole’s sure she’s been drinking, and then her face crumples, and she lets out one noisy sob. “No.”
Waverly told her to look after her sister, so Nicole wraps her arms around Wynonna without thinking, stepping between her legs and holding on tight as Wynonna sobs hot angry tears into her shoulder.
She’s a bit taller than Waverly; she can’t quite rest her chin on Wynonna’s head.
The thought makes something twist painfully in her chest.
“Me either,” she says, but she doesn’t know if Wynonna can hear her.
//
Two days later, Wynonna’s leaning against her cruiser outside the station when she finishes her shift, looking sheepish.
“I’m an asshole,” she says, before Nicole can say anything. “And I forgot you’re not Champ.”
Nicole nods, a flash of anger running through her that Wynonna would even think of comparing her to Champ Hardy. “Is this supposed to be an apology, or.”
Wynonna pushes off of the car and falls into step beside her. “I’ll buy the shots if you’ll come to Shorty’s with me.”
Nicole rolls her eyes. “Good enough.”
They walk in silence for a moment before Nicole sighs. “I’m not interesting in moving on, Wynonna. With anyone. ”
Wynonna nods down at the ground. “I know. And, I mean, Chrissy Nedley.” She makes a face.
“What's wrong with Chrissy Nedley?” She’s not faking the irritation that creeps into her voice, and Wynonna rolls her eyes.
“Well, she's straight for one.”
Nicole bumps her shoulder against Wynonna’s and smirks. “Waverly thought she was too when I met her.”
Wynonna smacks her before she can get out of the way. It actually hurts, and she brings a hand up to rub at her shoulder for a second, glaring at Wynonna’s grin.
“I'm pretty sure Chrissy is bringing me food because Nedley told her I wasn't eating enough after Waverly left. Or because she noticed. I don't know how involved he is, but there isn't much that goes on in the station he doesn't know about.” She says it quickly, not looking at her.
“Oh.” Wynonna’s shoulder bumps against hers for a few steps. The silence stretches and then Wynonna says, “but you're doing better now, right?”
Nicole nods down at the pavement. “Yeah.”
Wynonna stops and puts a hand on Nicole’s arm to get her to face her. “Who’re you talking to, kid?”
Nicole sighs and meets her eyes. “I’m doing better, but I'm not doing okay.” Her voice comes out tight, and she swallow a couple of times to try and clear it. “You know how this feels.”
Wynonna searches her eyes for a moment and then nods, slings an arm around her shoulder as she starts them off towards Shorty’s again. “I got you, Haught.”
Nicole thinks it sounds like a promise.
//
She helps Dolls when Wynonna isn't around, research on Bulshar and the Cult, and things she remembers from her childhood and hasn’t told anyone before.
She tells him about her parents and makes him promise not to tell the others, and he gets her a beer out of the BBD fridge and sighs when he says, “Okay.”
Wynonna narrows her eyes at her like she knows something is going on when she occasionally catches them together, but she never asks, and Nicole appreciates that.
//
They get a second postcard when Waverly’s been gone for nearly four months.
It has a picture of the Empire State Building on it, and this time all there is written on the back is her name.
Wynonna stares at it for a long time before throwing it down on the table and stalking out of the house. Nicole hears the front door slam, and then the sounds of gunfire and glass breaking, and settles down to wait for her to come back, twisting the card around in her hands.
//
She thinks Wynonna is timing her video calls to Alice and Gus to coincide with her night shifts, but she's not sure why until the third one, when Wynonna breaks down as soon as the call disconnects.
“Hey, come on, I’m here,” she says uselessly, trying to wrap an arm around Wynonna’s back.
Wynonna turns her head until it's pressed into Nicole’s chest. Her hair spills everywhere, and Nicole brings her other hand up to try and push some of it away from Wynonna’s face.
“I’m here,” she says again and feels Wynonna nod against her.
It takes a long time for Wynonna to cry herself out, and she twists her hand into the front of Nicole’s shirt, creasing it before she finally pulls away. “Sorry.”
Nicole nods and sits back, awkwardly. “You know I’m here if you need—”
Wynonna huffs out a laugh as she wipes at her eyes. “Thanks, Nicole,” she says quickly. “Really.”
“I got you, Earp.”
//
She takes a sucker punch to the face when she and Dolls end up in a stand-off with some Cultists, and she feels her nose break, feels the warm gush of blood down her face.
“Haught!” Dolls shouts, getting one of the two people they're still fighting into a sleeper hold and then pushing the man’s head into the wall for good measure until he crumples.
“I’m okay,” she wipes the back of her arm against her mouth, spitting blood as she takes the shot with Jeremy’s gun and watches the second man fly backwards.
Dolls puts a hand on her shoulder, turning her to face him. “That needs setting.”
“It’s fine.” She shrugs him off, and goes over to search the bodies. There’s pain spreading across her face from between her eyes, but it’s no worse than anything else she’s experienced lately. She hardly feels it at all.
“Nicole,” Dolls’ voice is softer than she's ever heard it, and she searches the unconscious man’s pockets roughly, just so she doesn't have to look at him. “You need to take care of yourself, okay?”
She meets his eyes for a second when she hands him the scraps of paper from the man’s pocket, nodding just once before she looks away.
//
“Haught!” Wynonna throws herself at her when she gets back to Black Badge, enveloping her in a tight hug. It jars her face and she winces against Wynonna’s shoulder.
There's something like desperation in the way Wynonna holds her, and it's only when she pulls back after a long moment that she says, “Dude, your face.”
She reaches up slowly to press her fingers against Nicole’s chin, turning Nicole’s head so she can see better, and then drops it when Nicole winces again.
“Is it bad?” She thinks she already knows the answer; she can still taste dried blood in her mouth.
“Waverly’s gonna kill you.”
The silence holds for a moment, until Nicole starts to laugh, sort of hysterical and sort of not, until Wynonna joins in.
//
Wynonna insists on taking her to the hospital, so she goes, but refuses to let them put her in a room, not wanting to face the memory of Waverly’s voice cracking as she told her they weren’t exchanging their deathbed I love yous the last time she was here.
The doctor grumbles at her the whole time she's strapping her nose up, sat on a gurney in one of the hallways. “You don’t get frequent flier miles for this you know,” she says, and Nicole has to look away.
//
Nedley storms into the hospital with an angry expression on his face a half hour later, and he only stops when he sees her, a nurse fitting a protective mask over her face before they’ll let her leave.
“What,” he barks, marching closer, “do you,” he jabs a finger towards her chest, “think you're doing?”
“Fighting bad guys,” Nicole says, her voice turning it into a question that hitches at the end. She presses herself back into the wall, trying to get away from him.
“Without back up?” he almost yells.
“Sir,” she tries, and then snaps her mouth shut when he glares at her.
“You're riding your desk until that heals, and then we are going to have several conversations about protocol and the fact that you call me before you get into a fight.”
“Call you, sir?” she checks, just to make sure.
Nedley glares harder. “Or the station. For backup.”
“Yes, sir.” Nicole’s glad the mask partially hides her smile.
It's not until later that she remembers it’s probably the first time she's really smiled since Waverly left, and when she goes to work the next day she takes Nedley two of his favourite donuts with his morning coffee, and watches his expression soften.
//
Chrissy is almost as pissed off as her dad when she finds her at her desk the next day. She throws the salad down in front of her and then folds her arms across her chest, glaring.
“Hi Chrissy,” Nicole tries. She knows she looks worse now than when she first broke it, two black eyes either side of the strapping over the bridge of her nose. The protective mask the doctor had given her sits on her desk.
“You look like Jared Leto after Ed Norton breaks his face in Fight Club.”
Nicole remembers the scene. Chrissy has a point.
“It gives my face character?” She doesn't mean it to be a question, but it still comes out that way.
“Your face was fine the way it was, so stop being a reckless idiot please. People care about you.”
Chrissy doesn't wait for her to reply, just turns and marches back out the way she came. Nicole stares after her, wondering when exactly she and Chrissy Nedley became the kind of friends who worried about each other.
//
Bobo grabs her off the street and tugs her into an alleyway when she’s on her way to the diner to pick up lunch for the entire shift, and she shrugs out of his grip and throws a punch at him before she thinks about it.
He catches her hand before it can connect. “Where is she?” he hisses, taking a step closer.
He’s tall, but so is she, and she straightens her spine and glares back at him, her free hand going down to her gun. “Who?”
“My angel. Your girlfriend.” She just about manages to stop her expression from changing at the word girlfriend. “My master’s prize. Waverly.” He snaps his teeth together, and she wants to wipe the smarmy smile off of his face.
If she didn’t know her bullets were useless against him, she would have already emptied her clip into his chest.
“She left,” she says, voice low, and considers drawing her weapon anyway.
“Left?” Bobo cants his head to the side. “Trouble in paradise, Officer?”
Nicole ignores him, her hand twisting around the handle of her gun. “You can tell Bulshar he will never get his hands on her.”
She turns and walks away without waiting for him to reply, her shaking hands balled into fists at her sides.
The tension drains out of her when she gets to the diner, and she has to stand against the door for a moment, breathing hard, before she can give them her order.
//
Two days later they’re eating dinner at the homestead when they end up drinking too much too quickly, Nicole to numb the pain of her broken nose, Wynonna just because.
She can't drive home and it's too far to walk, so she throws an arm around Wynonna’s shoulders to help her to bed, Wynonna heavy against her side.
She tugs Wynonna’s shoes off and pulls the blanket up over her, and when she turns to go Wynonna reaches for her arm and says, “Please don't leave me.”
Wynonna doesn’t quite look at her when she says it, her eyes glassy and fixed on the wall. Nicole isn’t sure if she’s really talking to her or not, but her feet stay rooted to the spot.
She remembers the fear lurking in Wynonna’s eyes when she'd got back to the station with her broken nose, and the way they've both felt since Waverly left, and only hesitates for a second before she kicks off her boots to climb in beside her.
Wynonna rolls onto her side to face the wall, and Nicole lies on her back, staring up at the ceiling. They're not touching, but Nicole listens until Wynonna’s breathing evens out and her body relaxes from the stiff posture she's been holding before she lets herself fall asleep.
//
She’s already in the kitchen in the morning when Wynonna comes in, looking a lot better than Nicole feels after all the whiskey they drank the night before.
“I hate how you both do that.” She says, then adds, “No hangover,” when Wynonna raises an eyebrow at her.
“Balances out the whole cursed thing.” Wynonna offers her a crooked smile that doesn't reach her eyes when she takes the seat next to her.
They drink from their coffee cups, and the silence stretches until—
“Thanks for sticking around last night.” Wynonna stares down at the table when she says it, but her hand snakes out to rest on top of Nicole’s.
It’s only there for a second, but Nicole feels the weight of it long after it’s gone.
//
She’s trying to finish a report on a traffic collision in a parking lot that had led to old Mrs. McCauley giving Pete a black eye with her purse, when Wynonna storms into the station, her clothes a little dishevelled and Peacemaker in her hand.
“I’ve just seen Bobo,” she says, voice low as she glances around for anyone who might overhear her. “Do you want to tell me what you and Dolls have been up to, and why Bobo told me to ask you what this bullshit demon is up to?”
Nicole just looks at her, feeling something like dread settle in the pit of her stomach. She opens her mouth then closes it again when no words come out.
“Nicole,” Wynonna says, half a warning, and Nicole feels herself nod.
“Not here, okay? I’m off in half an hour.”
Wynonna stares at her for a long moment before she nods slowly, and Nicole hopes that means she still trusts her.
//
She has to stop three times when she’s telling Wynonna about her parents and Bulshar. Once to get up and pace around the room, the second time just to get away from the sympathy in Wynonna’s eyes.
The third time it’s to go and get two beers out of the Black Badge fridge.
She exhales noisily and sits back when she’s done, and Wynonna lifts her beer until Nicole mirrors the gesture. Wynonna clinks them together.
“Welcome to the asshole parents club.”
“That’s really your takeaway here,” Nicole asks, huffing out a laugh.
Wynonna takes a pull from the bottle and then shrugs. “Yes. Because we’ll figure out the rest together.”
Nicole swallows hard against the lump in her throat, overwhelmed by the mix of relief and gratitude she feels. She nods down at her beer. “Yeah?”
“We’ve survived worse.” Wynonna doesn’t look at her when she says it, but Nicole knows what she means.
//
Waverly calls on her birthday.
She doesn’t recognise the number, and she answers it cautiously, not daring to hope.
“Hi ba— Nicole.”
Nicole swallows, and tightens her jaw. “Waverly.” Her voice is stilted with the effort it’s taking not to start crying and begging her to come home. It washes over her like a wave, and it takes everything in her to stay standing.
There’s silence for a second, then a quick whispered, “Happy birthday.”
She opens her mouth to reply but the line goes dead, and she squeezes her phone so tightly in her hand her knuckles turn white.
The next day at work she traces the number to a pay phone in Brooklyn, and when Wynonna asks her what she’s doing she says, “nothing,” and throws the Post-It she’d written it on in the trash.
//
Nedley makes good on his promise to keep her at the cop shop until her nose heals, and she feels like she can breathe easier when the nurse takes the strapping off for her, already longing to be back in her cruiser patrolling town.
She almost can't tell it was broken, not until she runs her finger down the bridge of her nose and feels a small lump between her eyes.
“Don't worry, you're still pretty,” Wynonna says from where she's slumped in the chair next to the gurney and Nicole rolls her eyes.
“Lucky for you.”
Wynonna makes a face, but there's no malice in it. “You wish, Haught stuff.”
When Nicole laughs, she thinks it might be for the first time since Waverly left, and it makes something loosen in her chest, just for a second.
//
Wynonna insists they go to Shorty’s to celebrate her nose healing, and she sits at the bar sipping her beer, watching Wynonna slam back enough shots for the both of them.
There's a lot of people in the bar, but she doesn't feel as lonely in a crowd as she did when Waverly first left, not with Wynonna next to her laughing, and Doc leaning over the bar to tell her he's not leaving her the bottle no matter how nicely Wynonna asks.
Not when Chrissy Nedley comes in with some of her friends and waves at her, saying something to the others before heading in her direction.
“You guys celebrating something?” she asks, as Wynonna slams another shot back.
“My nose is officially healed, and Wynonna says that means we drink.”
Chrissy laughs, “Can't argue with that logic.”
She orders a drink and Nicole pushes onto her tiptoes to lean over and shout, “I’ll get it,” when Doc comes back to tell her how much it is.
“You don't have to do that,” Chrissy says, money already in her hand, but Nicole pushes it away.
“How much do I owe you for all those lunches?” And for being a friend when I really needed one, she wants to say. She swallow the words.
Chrissy sighs and puts her money away, and clinks her glass against Nicole’s bottle before she turns back to her friends.
//
Waverly’s been gone for nearly seven months when Matheson and Jones beat her on the bleep test on their annual physical, and even Wynonna looks embarrassed from where she'd come along to watch, her feet swinging against the bench she's sitting on.
Nedley flashes her a look when he reads the results, and though he angles himself towards the others when he tells them they need to get into shape before he’s forced to deputise Champ Hardy, she knows he's talking to her too.
Wynonna shrugs when she falls into step next to her, their shoulders bumping as they head back to the cop shop, and says, “I guess the whiskey diet only works for Earps.”
“It's official then. You're bad for my health,” Nicole says with a smirk, then shouts “hey!” when Wynonna hip checks her.
“Good for your mopey lesbian heart though.”
Nicole wants to disagree, but.
//
She sets her alarm an hour earlier than usual, and forces herself into her running shoes, which she finds at the bottom of her closet after fifteen minutes of looking.
When she opens the door, Chrissy is waiting on the other side of it, her fist held up like she's about to knock and Nicole takes a step back in surprise.
It takes her a second, but she takes in Chrissy’s workout clothes and makes a mental note not to bring Nedley his donut when she gets to work.
“Dad said you were looking for a new running partner?” Chrissy smiles brightly, and Nicole immediately regrets eating the burgers Chrissy brought her.
She remembers Waverly telling her they’d both been cheerleaders in high school, and that Chrissy had been on the track team too.
“Um,” Nicole says, pretty sure this is going to be embarrassing.
Chrissy ignores her. “There’s an easy route around town if you’re out of practice. Dad said you might need a couple of weeks to get back into it.” Her voice is kinder than Nicole probably deserves, and she just nods.
“Sure, Chrissy. Easy would be good today.”
//
She’s breathing hard before Chrissy has even broken a sweat, and she’s pretty sure Chrissy slackened their pace after the first mile, easing off a little at a time like Nicole wouldn’t notice.
She noticed.
It hurts the part of her that had to be first at everything at the academy, and she clenches her jaw and keeps going, her lungs burning.
//
She and Wynonna spend more nights at Shorty’s than they probably should, especially now she’s running with Chrissy, until Doc threatens to cut them off and actually make them pay their tab.
“You wouldn’t,” Wynonna gasps, and Nicole laughs into her beer.
She hasn’t been this drunk regularly since the academy, and she’s not sure that it’s really helping, but it numbs the ache in her chest for a little while, and spending time with the only other person who understands helps in a way she doesn’t have words for.
Wynonna doesn’t give her the sympathetic looks the others still do, doesn’t tiptoe around the subject.
She actually says Waverly’s name out loud and then clinks her glass against Nicole’s when Nicole says they should drink to her, wherever she is, and downs the rest of the glass.
She leaves Wynonna with Doc—she doesn’t want to think about what they might be doing together—and stumbles back to her place alone.
She misses Waverly’s smile and the way her eyes lit up when she saw her, how her hands were always soft and she’d find excuses to touch her, even if it was just tangling their fingers together while they watched a movie or Nicole was finishing her reports off at her desk.
It’s been nearly seven months since Waverly left, and she doesn’t think she’s ever felt so lonely.
She knows it’s a bad decision as soon as she does it, but she thumbs at Waverly’s name in her contact list and holds her breath.
She presses her phone to her ear in disbelief when a computerised voice tells her the number is no longer in service, and then throws her phone across the room.
She hears it break, but she can’t find it in herself to care.
//
She dreams of Waverly.
Waverly standing up on her tiptoes and leaning into her to steady herself as she kisses her, her hand gentle on her neck, threading into her hair.
Waverly pressing her backwards into the bed, her hips bracketing hers as soft hands creep under her shirt.
Waverly moaning her name, and Waverly falling apart under her hands.
She wakes up breathing hard, and has to peel the t-shirt she wears to sleep in off of her sweaty skin.
//
When she wakes up in the morning, there’s another letter in her mailbox, the stamps on the front showing it’s come from England.
There’s still no return address and she tosses the envelope, unfolding the pages with shaking hands.
Nicole,
I hope I didn’t ruin your birthday. I’m sorry I called. I didn’t mean to hang up, but the way your voice sounded scared me and I panicked. I just wanted to hear your voice and then you sounded so raw and upset, and I caused that. I never want to hurt you again.
I know how that sounds, when I left and didn’t tell you where I’d be going or when I’m coming back. When I’m just travelling further away from you instead of coming back home.
I was in New York. I found a bar that was hiring and stayed for three months. The city was amazing, but all I wanted to do was share it with you. I wanted to tell you how my day was and have you tell me about everyone in Purgatory and the things you saw on patrol.
I miss home. I miss you. I miss Wynonna. And Doc and Dolls and Jeremy.
“God, I miss you, too,” she breathes, biting at her lip. The pen changes colour, and Nicole wonders if Waverly wrote the next part later.
It’s getting easier. I haven’t dreamed about Mikshun in months. When I close my eyes I don’t see you in that hospital bed anymore. I know it’s still not a good reason for leaving, but I think I know who I am again, even if I’m not who I thought I was.
When I was in New York, I went to the New York Public Library, and I’ve been to the British Library here in London. You should have seen the books, Nicole. There were so many. Rare ones and special collections. I nearly got lost. Books I couldn’t get sent to the Purgatory town library. I found one about Wyatt I’d never seen before. Can you believe it? It had a whole chapter about Doc and their friendship, and I couldn’t stop giggling at how much Doc would have hated the way they described him. I got shushed three times.
I like books. They make me feel useful. I like following the clues until you work the puzzle out and everything clicks into focus.
Everything looks a little less blurry now. The only part that’s missing is you.
I don’t know if you’re waiting for me. I’m not expecting you to be. We didn’t promise each other anything.
Nicole thinks about murmuring, “as long as you want me, I’ll be by your side,” in the quiet of Waverly’s bedroom and wants to laugh. She swallows and reads on.
But I hope you’ll let me tell you about all this. I hope you’ll hold me and tell me it’s okay I left. I’ll be back soon. I promise. Just don’t go anywhere until I get back, okay? It’s selfish, I know, but please.
She’s underlined the last word three times.
Nicole twists the sheets round in her hand, flipping them back to the beginning, her eyes lingering on where Waverly has signed it with just her name. She wants to be angry that Waverly’s talking about waiting and not expecting anything when she’s been waiting ever since Waverly walked away from her, and she’d wait forever if it meant she got Waverly back.
She wants to be angry, but she can’t, and she smooths the letter against the table and reads it again.
//
Waverly’s birthday comes and goes and she has no way to contact her, so she just buys a cupcake from the bakery on her way home from work and lifts her beer in a silent salute before she downs half of it in one swallow.
The cupcake is too sweet after the beer, and she ends up throwing it in the trash, swallowing hard where the crumbs get stuck in her throat.
//
Wynonna almost catches her with Waverly’s letter at the station. She's frowning down at it, reading the part about how they didn't promise each other anything when Wynonna says, “What's up with your face?”
She folds the letter quickly, shoving it in her desk drawer, and looks up. “Just, um, paperwork.” She gestures at the reports on her desk and pulls one towards her.
Wynonna’s forehead wrinkles in confusion. “Okay. Well listen, Doc heard something about where Bobo is, and I’m gonna go check it out. Be my backup?”
“Always,” Nicole says quickly, reaching down to check her side arm is tucked into its holster at her hip.
//
Bobo isn’t expecting them, and Wynonna draws Peacemaker on him, almost getting a shot off before he dodges out of the way.
He backhands Wynonna so hard she goes flying, and Nicole screams her name before she can stop herself, firing off two shots towards Bobo, hoping it might distract him.
He waves his hand and the bullets arc away from him, and he smirks at her as he hisses, “I guess Earps are your type, Deputy. Traded the fake one for the real deal?”
Her hand shakes where she holds the gun, and she doesn’t bother to fire again, just stares at him, breathing hard.
Wynonna’s getting to her feet behind him, Peacemaker coming up again. Bobo hasn’t noticed. Nicole keeps her eyes fixed on him, not wanting to give her away.
“Don't talk about her.” She snaps, her finger trembling on the trigger.
Bobo grins at her. “She's still not here, is she?”
“Shut up,” she growls. She fires off another shot and he snarls as he waves his hand, the bullet hitting the wall to his right.
“Must make you wonder if she ever really loved you at all.”
Nicole’s eyes burn, but she can see Wynonna in her peripheral vision. Peacemaker starts to glow behind Bobo, and his eyes flash red, the smile falling from his face.
“Of course Waverly loves her,” Wynonna says, and then she pulls the trigger.
//
She buys Wynonna a $60 bottle of whiskey for her birthday a few days later, and Wynonna smiles and puts her hand on Nicole’s shoulder for a second as she goes past to hide it in the kitchen cabinet.
“We’ll save it for a special occasion.”
She doesn’t have to say when Waverly comes home, but Nicole knows that’s what she means.
//
Wynonna rides with her on patrol sometimes, when they’re not sure if the case needs to go to Black Badge or not.
She kicks her feet up against the dash and keeps Peacemaker in her hand, and always brings snacks that she stashes in the glove compartment, so Nicole finds them days later and has to throw them out before she gets chewed out by Nedley.
It’s been almost eight months since Waverly left, and while the ache in her chest is still there, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore, with Wynonna telling her dumb jokes on the way to check up on a tip off about something weird at the Walker Farm.
//
She puts her name down to work Thanksgiving so the others can have the time off with their families, and she sits at her desk in the silence of the empty station, catching up her paperwork.
Wynonna breezes through the door in the afternoon, surprisingly sober. She leans both her elbows on the counter, and rests her head on her hands. “What’s up, good lookin’.”
Nicole doesn’t even bother to roll her eyes. “Not much, you?”
Wynonna shrugs carelessly, her eyes darting away from Nicole when she speaks. “Just another boring day in Purgatory.” She pushes back off the counter, stepping around to Nicole’s side. “Want some company?”
Her voice is quiet when she asks, and Nicole thinks about what day it is and nods. “Sure, Wynonna.”
//
Doc keeps Shorty’s open, and they go when Nicole’s shift ends. Somewhere after the sixth shot, Wynonna leans into Nicole’s side and mumbles, “It’s Thanksgiving.”
Nicole nods against her head.
“I’m—” Wynonna twists away from her. “I know I don’t say it. But— thank you.”
Nicole just blinks for a second, and Wynonna laughs awkwardly. “Okay, asshole. This is the part where you say it back.”
“So demanding,” Nicole says, trying to smirk and lighten the mood. Wynonna’s words have settled into the old ache in her chest, and she’s not sure it really works.
She thinks about Waverly asking her to take care of Wynonna, and the nights they’ve spent together since Waverly left, hiding in the dark. She thinks about Wynonna in the passenger seat of her squad car; Wynonna laughing as they wait for their order in the diner, arguing over whose turn it is to pay; Wynonna at her side, tense and quiet, when they go to fight another revenant; Wynonna gripping her arm and running her eyes over Nicole’s face to check she’s okay after another shootout.
The smile is starting to disappear from Wynonna’s face, so Nicole reaches for her hand quickly. “Hey— thank you.” She ducks her head to catch Wynonna’s eye, squeezing Wynonna’s fingers. “I mean it.”
//
It takes a solid month before she can keep up with Chrissy easily on their morning runs, and she feels better for it, just about.
“You're into rock climbing right?” Chrissy asks, when they're stretching out in front of her house. “They just got a climbing wall in the city, do you wanna go next weekend? Dad said you've got a day off.”
Nicole opens her mouth and then closes it, and Chrissy lets her flounder for a full minute before she laughs.
“Relax, sport. I'm not asking you out on a date.”
Nicole’s eyes widen, but she breathes a little easier. “No, I didn't think—” she lies, then shakes her head at the grin tugging at Chrissy’s lips. “You’re messing with me,” she realises, huffing out a breath.
“Yes,” Chrissy grins wide, “but the gay panic thing you had going on there was cute.”
Nicole rolls her eyes. “I’ll see you on Saturday.”
She starts to jog back to her apartment, and laughs under her breath when Chrissy calls, “it’s a date!” after her.
//
It's surprisingly easy to make conversation with Chrissy on the drive to the city. Chrissy tells her all about growing up in Purgatory when your dad’s the Sheriff, and how Waverly had been one of the only kids who wasn’t afraid she was going to rat out all the dumb kid things they did to Nedley and get them in trouble.
“I’m sorry, do you not want me to talk about her?” Chrissy asks, after she’s gone on for a while. When Nicole glances at her, Chrissy’s eyes are fixed on the way her knuckles have gone white around the steering wheel. She tries to relax her grip.
“No, it’s just—” She sighs as she makes a left turn. “I miss her.” Chrissy is maybe the first person she’s said it to besides Wynonna, and Nicole sees her nod sympathetically out of the corner of her eye.
She swallows, and pushes on. Now she’s started she’s not sure she can stop. "I feel like the first few months after she left I wasn't really living. I was just existing y’know? And it’s better now. But now I'm just waiting around for her to come back. It's pathetic."
She twists her hands around the wheel and makes a left turn, into the parking lot.
"It's not pathetic.” Chrissy says softly. “I know what you two had.”
“There’s a key word in that sentence.” Nicole huffs out a laugh.
“Have, then.” Chrissy almost rolls her eyes. “Look, you know why I gave you my sandwich that first time?"
Nicole blinks. "You gave me your—"
Chrissy ignores her and keeps talking. "I hadn't seen you smile in months. You always looked so happy when you were working, both before and after you got with Waverly. After she left it was like you weren't even the same person. I just wanted to make you smile again. Waverly would not want you here acting like a shell of the woman she fell in love with."
“Oh,” Nicole says softly as she pulls into a space and kills the engine. She’d been so sure it had been Nedley’s fault. She glances sideways at her. "Did it work?"
"For about three seconds, I saw that light back in your eyes. Dad came home and said you'd closed that robbery case on Pine. I hoped maybe I'd helped?"
"You did.” She has to breathe a couple of times to make sure the next part comes out steady. “Maybe not with the case, but you reminded me there are people here who care about me besides Waverly."
Chrissy looks away, but Nicole can see the pleased expression on her face. “I’m pretty sure Wynonna did most of that heavy lifting.”
“Hey,” Nicole leans across the console to rest a hand on her arm. “You helped, Chrissy. I’m really glad we got to be friends.”
Chrissy smiles warmly and nods, “Yeah. Me, too.”
They grin at each other for a moment, and then Chrissy reaches for the door handle. “So are you gonna show me how to climb or what?”
//
She puts her name down to work Christmas, and blinks in confusion when Nedley tells her he’s giving her the day off.
“But—” she tries, and Nedley shakes his head firmly.
“Don’t argue,” he says, fixing her with a look.
She snaps her mouth shut. Nedley watches her closely for a second, and then he nods. “Good.” She watches him turn back towards his office and then stop, his hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. “Haught?” He half turns back to her.
“What do you need, sir?”
“Dinner is at one. Don’t be late. Chrissy doesn’t like people to be late.”
Nicole just stares at him for a second, something tightening in her chest. “You want me to come for dinner, sir?” It’s been a long time since she had anything like a family Christmas. Even the year before she’d spent most of the day alone, not wanting to intrude on Waverly and Wynonna’s first Christmas together for years.
Waverly had insisted on making it up to her anyway, when she’d come over later that night.
Nicole pushes the memory away—of Waverly in red lace underwear, grinning at the surprise in Nicole’s eyes as she came closer—in time to see Nedley’s expression soften. “Christmas is a time for family,” he says gruffly. He looks a bit like he’s daring her to argue; she has to work hard to keep her expression neutral. “So we’ll see you there?”
“Yes, sir,” she breathes.
//
She walks to Nedley’s house, her boots crunching through the snow that had fallen overnight, blanketing the ground in a thick layer of white.
She’s twenty minutes early, clutching a $20 bottle of wine she knows Chrissy likes in one hand and a six pack of bottled beer in the other, and she shifts awkwardly while she waits for them to answer the door.
Chrissy grins at her when the door opens, an apron tied round her waist.
“Hey, come in.” She tugs the wine out of her hands, and gestures at the coat hooks on the wall. “I just gotta check on the food.”
She shrugs out of her coat, folding her scarf in half and tucking the top of it into the pocket before she hangs it up.
She hovers in the doorway to the living room, her eyes settling on Nedley, sitting in an armchair, gripping a bottle of beer loosely in his hand. He looks odd out of his uniform, dressed in slacks and a button down shirt, almost the same blue as her own.
The beer he’s drinking is the same as the ones she brought with her, and some of the tightness disappears from her chest.
He smiles when he sees her. “Merry Christmas, Nicole.”
She can count the number of times he’s used her given name on one hand. The last of the tightness in her chest loosens all at once.
There’s another beer waiting on the coffee table in front of him, and he holds it out towards her, waiting until she steps close enough to take it. He raises his own and waits for her to do the same. He clinks them together firmly.
“Merry Christmas, sir,” she says softly.
//
She drives out to the homestead after dinner and lets herself in.
Wynonna grins when she sees her. “The boys just left. There’s leftovers in the kitchen if you want them.”
Nicole shakes her head as she falls onto the couch next to her. “I might never need food again. The Nedleys can eat.”
Wynonna huffs out a laugh, and kicks her feet up onto the coffee table. “That’s the Christmas spirit.”
Neither of them mention the Waverly-sized space between them on the couch when Wynonna flicks through TV channels until she finds a Christmas movie and leaves it on. They watch it in silence, Nicole’s mind drifting to the year before, when the three of them had watched It’s a Wonderful Life pressed together on the couch between Christmas and New Year’s, Waverly half in Nicole’s lap and shushing Wynonna’s muttered comments about the movie.
The credits start to roll before either of them move, and then Wynonna whispers, “Merry Christmas, baby girl,” into the silence, and Nicole has to swallow hard against the lump in her throat.
She hasn’t cried about Waverly in months, the pain fading to a constant dull ache in the background instead of the all consuming fire from when Waverly first left, but it hits her then; that it’s Christmas, and there’s an empty space next to her where the woman she loves should be, pressed into her side, soft and warm the way Waverly always is as she kisses her slowly.
Last year, Waverly had made them all hot cocoa with whipped cream, and Nicole had tasted it on Waverly’s tongue for hours afterwards. She shakes her head to try and loosen the memory, wiping at her eyes.
Wynonna looks away from her, over to the window and the snow that’s falling outside. “I hope she doesn’t miss another one.”
//
They share Wynonna’s bed; Wynonna curled against Nicole’s back, Wynonna’s arms wrapped around her own middle, her knuckles resting against the small of Nicole’s back.
“Merry Christmas, Nicole,” Wynonna mumbles, her face pressed between Nicole’s shoulder blades.
Nicole thinks about Waverly wrapped around her in her bed the year before, and has to swallow three times to clear the tightness in her throat before she can say it back.
//
Nicole always gets traffic duty Sunday nights, sitting on the edge of town watching the road in and out for speeding. She used to hate it, until she figured out no one ever checked on her, and Waverly would sneak along with her on her nights off from Shorty’s.
Now it’s Wynonna holding the speed gun pointed at the road in the passenger seat.
“Wouldn’t you rather be back in town hanging out with Doc or Dolls?” she asks, the third week Wynonna comes with her.
Wynonna makes a face, “And miss out on this charming scenery?”
Nicole rolls her eyes. “Seriously, Wynonna.”
Wynonna glances at her, then looks away. “Can’t have you sitting on the edge of town for four hours on your own.” She smiles that same sad smile she used to give her after Waverly left. “You might forget to come back.”
Nicole feels her expression soften, and from the look on Wynonna’s face she sees it too.
“Let’s not make it into a thing.” Wynonna waves her hand, like she’s trying to push the feelings away. “I’ve just gotten used to having you around, okay?”
Nicole hums in agreement. “Yeah. Me, too.”
Wynonna’s eyes are soft when she smiles at her, and Nicole reaches over to rest her hand on Wynonna’s for a second before the conversation drifts to something else.
//
A week later, there’s another letter waiting for her in her mailbox when she gets home, and she stumbles to a stop in the doorway when she sees the Canadian postmarks on it.
She rips it open, her hands shaking, and tugs the pages out of the envelope.
Nicole,
I guess you saw the postmarks on the envelope. Nothing gets past a cop, right? I almost sent this before I crossed the border, just so you wouldn’t know until I wrote the next part:
I’m coming home.
She’s underlined home , and Nicole exhales shakily.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit scared, but the biggest part of me is excited. Excited I get to see Shorty’s and the station and the homestead and Wynonna. Excited I get to see you. It feels like forever since I was in Purgatory. Did I miss the snow? I really hope I didn’t.
I wish I knew what you were thinking right now. I wish I could see your face. I wish I knew if you were angry and upset, or if you’re excited too. I wish I knew if you want me to come home. I wish I knew if I was coming home to you or just coming home.
But I don’t. So I’ve decided to write the things I do know:
1. My name is Waverly EARP.
She’s underlined her last name as well, and Nicole bites her lip to try and stop herself from smiling.
2. Family doesn’t just mean the people you’re tied to by blood, and my family has a curse to break.
3. I’m sorry I left, but not for needing to. (This one took me a while to figure out.)
4. I can’t change the things I did or what happened to me, but I can help make them right.
5. I love you, Nicole Haught.
The last one makes her breath catch in her throat.
It took nearly a whole year to figure all that out. I know it’s a long time, and I don’t expect to come back to the same place I left. I just hope that you’re still there, and you’ll talk to me. I want to see your smile and hear the station gossip and get a drink at Shorty’s after work and help my sister break the curse so my niece can come home. I hope that’s not too much to ask.
I’m not asking anything of you that you don’t want to give me. I don’t expect anything. I just hope.
I’ll see you soon. I promise.
Waverly.
She sags back against the doorframe, her heart thumping wildly in her chest.
Waverly’s coming home.
She slams the front door and fumbles with her key in the lock before she takes off running for the station.
//
“Whoa, where’s the fire?” Wynonna says, wide eyed when Nicole bangs through the Black Badge door. She's hardly out of breath, and she offers up a silent prayer to Chrissy Nedley.
“Waverly,” she says, shoving the letter towards Wynonna’s chest. “Waverly’s coming home.”
“What?” Wynonna snatches the letter quickly and starts to read.
Nicole thinks she knows the exact moment she gets to My name is Waverly EARP, because her eyes go glassy, and she blinks quickly as her eyes move further down the page.
Nicole just waits, heart fluttering in her chest.
When she’s done, Wynonna slumps back in her chair, all the tension going out of her body. “Where was the letter from?”
“Ontario,” Nicole’s voice is shaky. “No return address.”
“But she’s in Canada,” Wynonna breathes. “She’s coming home.”
Nicole nods, smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “She’s coming home.”
//
Both of them spend the next week on edge, jumping every time any door in the station opens.
Nicole can’t concentrate on her paperwork, and she files three sloppy reports in a row until Nedley asks if there’s something he should know about.
“No, sir. I’ll redo them,” she says quickly, and he stares at her for a long time before he nods.
“If the Deputy Marshal has you doing something that’s affecting your police work I have a right to know, Haught.”
“He’s not, sir. I promise.” She shifts where she stands, and he frowns at her. “Sorry, sir.” She plants her feet against the ground and forces herself to stand still, the way they’d been taught at the academy.
Nedley sighs when she doesn’t say anything else. “Redo the reports. And relax or something, would you? You’re putting me on edge.”
“Sir.”
//
She spends all her free time with Wynonna, either at Shorty’s or the homestead, because she knows they’re the only places Waverly will go if she doesn’t find them at the station.
Neither of them acknowledge that’s what’s happening, and she sleeps on Wynonna’s couch for so many nights in a row it makes her back stiff, so she has to spend fifteen minutes every morning stretching it out before she can get in the shower.
“How long does it take to travel across the country?” Wynonna grumbles when she’s been there a week and Nicole shrugs, bouncing her leg up and down under the kitchen table.
“It’s nearly been a year, what’s a few more days?” She aims for casual, but Wynonna gives her a look that says she's not buying it.
“You look like you’re about to have an aneurysm, and I don’t think visiting you in the hospital was exactly what Waverly had in mind.”
She huffs out a humorless laugh, and tries to keep her leg still.
//
It takes them another week to defeat Bulshar once and for all, a full year after the Widows raised him.
She tucks Waverly’s last letter inside her vest when they go to fight before she can think too hard about it. It makes her feel safe, somehow. Or maybe just a little less alone.
She thinks about Waverly writing the things she knows, about her writing I love you, Nicole Haught, and grips her gun a little tighter.
It goes better than most of their plans have in the past, which is to say it doesn't go south thirty seconds after they start, and she covers Wynonna with Doc, trying hard to keep up with how fast he gets his shots off.
She shoots a demon over Wynonna’s shoulder before he can, and he grins wildly and tips his hat at her before he spins and fires again.
The letter flutters out of her vest when she’s taking it off at Black Badge after, and Wynonna reaches down to pick it up before she can and stares at it for a long time before she gives it back.
//
That night, Wynonna gets the bottle of whiskey Nicole bought her for her birthday out of the kitchen cabinet and pours three fingers into two glasses, sliding one across the table to Nicole.
It’s smoother than anything Nicole’s drank before, and Wynonna refills the glasses when they’re empty before Nicole can protest.
“This was supposed to be for when Waverly came back,” Nicole mumbles, eyelids heavy, when half the bottle is gone and they’re side by side on the floor, their backs against Wynonna’s bed.
“She’s on her way,” Wynonna waves a hand. “And maybe I want to share it with you first.”
Nicole knocks her glass against Wynonna’s before she downs the last of it, and Wynonna shifts until her head is resting against Nicole’s shoulder.
Nicole wraps an arm around Wynonna’s shoulders slowly, like she thinks Wynonna might pull back. Wynonna leans closer instead, and Nicole says, “It’s Alice’s birthday.”
Wynonna’s silent and she curses herself for bringing it up. She opens her mouth to—
“Doc said he wanted to be alone,” Wynonna mumbles, Nicole’s shoulder muffling the words. Nicole holds herself completely still, afraid to breathe. “But I didn’t want to be.”
“You’re not, Wynonna,” she says, voice low. “We’re not.”
//
When they get to the station in the morning, Doc is waiting, leaning back against the wall by the door. He and Wynonna stare at each other for a long moment, Doc’s mustache twitching, before he opens his arms and Wynonna falls into the hug.
Nicole catches the sad smile on her face before she buries her face in Doc’s chest, the collar of his coat hiding Wynonna’s face. She looks smaller in Doc’s arms than Nicole thinks she’s ever seen her.
Doc nods at Nicole over Wynonna’s head, mouthing a silent, thank you.
Nicole tips her baseball cap to him before she heads inside.
//
A year to the day since Waverly left, she walks back into the Black Badge office, backpack on her back and nerves all over her face.
She looks the same way she did before she left, and Nicole can’t stop the way something in her chest gets lighter at the sight of her.
“Hi,” Waverly says, twisting her hands in front of her. Nicole doesn’t miss the way her eyes flick backwards and forwards between the two of them.
Wynonna’s the first one of them to react. She stands up so hard the chair she's sitting on nearly tips over backwards.
“Baby girl,” Wynonna says, voice hoarse, and then she’s striding across the room to pull her sister into her arms, wrapping her up in a hug so tight it lifts Waverly off of her feet.
Waverly laughs happily, pressing a kiss to Wynonna’s cheek before she buries her head in Wynonna’s shoulder.
After a second, she shifts, her head coming up so Waverly’s eyes meet Nicole’s, and Nicole swallows hard, unable to keep the smile off of her face. She thinks Waverly’s eyes get a little brighter when she notices.
“Waverly,” she says on an exhale, when Waverly and Wynonna finally break apart. It catches in the middle.“I'm really glad you're home.”
She says it before she can stop herself, and she sees some of the nerves disappear from Waverly’s face, her expression replaced by something softer.
Waverly takes a step closer, and the biggest part of Nicole wants to reach for her. “Me, too.”