Six New Year's Resolutions for Sarah Huckabee Sanders

(Auld Lang Syne on saxophone)

Sarah,

think of some ways to have more contempt for the press.

Give everyone in the press briefing room a nickname.

Force reporters to say the Pledge of Allegiance

before you agree to answer questions.

Bring out Steven Mnuchin

for a 10-minute presentation

every single day.

This is more of a fantasy than a resolution,

but I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders

to join forces with Bernie Sanders

and start their own morning XM Sirius radio show

Sanders and Sanders.

I want Bernie Sanders yelling at her every morning

in his Brooklyn accent.

I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders yelling back

in her W.C.W. wrestling voice

and I want them to literally

politically annihilate each other

every single morning

between six and nine

on the drive.

Smooth things over with Jim Acosta.

You guys seem like you could be buds.

The letter you read,

from that little boy,

Dylan Pickle,

it was really sweet!

I don't know why people don't like you.

Me either, Dylan.

You should try making him a regular contributor.

It's time to quit your day job

and double down on your penchant

for taking pictures of the baked goods

that you so love making,

like those pecan pies.

Take up food Instagram as a hobby.

See if you can

train the muscles in your mouth...

to say

The President was lying, Jim.

He's a liar.

So cheers to you, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Cheers to you, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Cheers to you, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

(Auld Lang Syne on saxophone)