Laura Craik on airport rage, wireless woes and becoming a summer leather convert

Londoners are lucky to be served by so many airports, but some of us are luckier than others. As if they weren’t smug enough already, those who live east are blessed with City Airport — basically like having your own private terminal compared to the Armageddon that is Gatwick, with its poorly laid out ‘food court’ and its Pret with five chairs per thousand passengers. With their paucity of Tube connections, south Londoners suffer enough without having Gatwick inflicted on them as the final insult. Although Gatwick is Valhalla compared with the filthy, disorganised, overcrowded cesspit that is Luton.

Have you been recently? If you fancy starting your summer holiday — the one you’ve looked forward to since July 2015 — with a coronary, then come on down. Be sure to allow an extra 24 hours to get there though: there are a lot of roadworks. Once you’ve walked the five miles from the drop-off point, I can’t guarantee you’ll get on the right plane — or any plane — but you will certainly learn a lot about the great British queuing system. Namely, that there isn’t one. You just kind of stand around while men in hi-vis jackets bellow ‘ANYONE FOR MALAGA? MALAGA? ANYONE FOR MALAGA?’ Save for two confused eighty-something Lithuanians, everyone has checked in online. Which means everyone thinks they aren’t required to queue. All 29,483 of them hover angrily by the bag drop, each under the impression that they alone have Wi-Fi access.

It takes a special kind of c...apitalist to place vending machines full of toys next to a check-in queue, but you’d expect nothing less from an airport that charges £2.50 just for the privilege of being dropped off outside its terminal, and £1 for a plastic bag to put your toiletries into. That it’s the fourth-biggest airport in Europe for private business travel (after Geneva, Paris and Nice) beggars belief: any celebrity trudging through Luton from LAX would surely be tempted to turn round and get right back on the plane. London deserves better, and so do our guests.

Why oh wi-fi

I get a lot of emails about headphones, but one in particular has caught my eye. ‘The next iPhone isn’t expected to have a headphone port, so you will need to go wireless,’ it said, casually. WTAF??? I realise Apple is all about pared-back design, but is a headphone port really such a blight? Also, Bluetooth. Bluetooth is the Southern Trains of the technology world: it only connects you when it feels like it. So forgive me if I don’t get too excited about wireless headphones: one more piece of malfunctioning tech to worry about. Almost 37 years to the day since the first Sony Walkman went on sale, it looks like it’s finally goodbye to wires.

Patently brilliant

I don’t usually have any truck with those ‘Yes, You Really Can Wear Leather In The Summer And Here’s How’ articles, for the simple reason that God created cotton, so why sweat it out in anything else? But as summer is a season that, this year, only seems to be happening in other countries, the case for leather is strong. Yes, wearing too much of it can feel like being trapped inside a plastic bag with Katie Hopkins, but you can’t fault its rain-repelling properties. Which is probably why so many Londoners are currently wearing patent shoes: they’re chicer than wellies, and nearly as waterproof. If I could just snaffle that monogrammed mac from the recent Vuitton menswear show, I’d be all set for the next downpour.

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