Ask Alanis Morissette: I'm married but attracted to another man

I think I’m having an emotional affair. I started going to a new evening class a few months ago, and I’ve become powerfully attracted to a man on my course. Nothing has happened, but we have an obvious connection, and I often catch him looking at me. We have an online study group and send each other private messages – nothing flirtatious, just links to articles or funny jokes. I’ve realised that seeing him has become the highlight of my week. I don’t think I want anything to happen between us, but it has changed how I behave around my husband. Is this a phase, or a sign of something more serious?

Emotional affairs often happen (or nearly happen) when there are real needs not being met in a relationship. In the past, when I was dating and sniffed an emotional affair coming on, I would look at what it was I was attracted to.

In your case, are you compatible in an area that means a lot to you? Is it that he listens well? Does he find you funny? Then I would ask myself whether that need could be met by friends, or by work.

If it was important that that particular itch be scratched in my relationship, I would take it directly to my partner. I might say, “Honey, I realise now how important it is to me that my jokes are laughed at. As a kid, my brothers would elicit giggles all the time, but I never got the laugh and I always yearned for it. Would you be willing to raise the volume on your receptivity to my attempts at being a card?”

It might also be helpful to reinvigorate some fun in your marriage, perhaps by spending time alone doing something that focuses on this need: going to a comedy show together, for example.

It sounds as if there is a bond forming that could lead to something you might regret in the future. Unless you are unhappy in your marriage, or don’t value emotional monogamy (which I think you do, or you wouldn’t be writing to me), I would limit your interaction with this new classmate. In my experience, the excitement with the new guy wanes anyway. Far better to let your spark be grist for your marriage’s mill, rather than a reason to end it.