1.
[cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
2.
god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
3.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
4.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
5.
Being an adult is like losing your mom in a department store for years and years until you die.
6.
"Dogs are assholes" DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole! "Cats are assholes" CAT PERSON: Yeah
7.
I'll take "elegant metaphors for death" for $500, Alex.
8.
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
9.
do people who run know that we're not food anymore
10.
[god, creating ducks] Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don't know
11.
do you want to have a few pancakes, you wuss, or do you want to get real
12.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
13.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I'm late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
14.
*whispers to an avocado* "I'm the good kind of fat, too."
15.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
16.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
17.
If I die doing what I love please reposition my body to make it look like I'm doing something cooler.
18.
*travels back to 1930's* okay and that's why you've got to kill hitler FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
19.
"tell me, does Dora still come on?? my dad only lets me watch andy warhol biographies"
20.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video! *clicks on "Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?"* Haha whoops wrong video but LET'S HEAR IT OUT
21.
Robert Plant turned down $800m for a Zeppelin reunion. I would probably eat a battery for 20 bucks
22.
*drinks 1 bottle of water* man i am so good at taking care of myself i mean wow
23.
Gabi really took it up a notch
24.
I'm against animal testing, unless of course you're testing little top hats and miniature sunglasses.
25.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
26.
every time i see someone update their status on Facebook with a series of contextless airport codes, im like PLS > STP > THT > SHT
27.
Babies are like tattoos. They're yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they're not all gross looking.
28.
Ashton Kutcher 100% thinks the plural of journalist is "journalist"
29.
I came here to chew gum and raise brand awareness, and it looks like I'm all out of Trident™ Layers Wild Strawberry & Lime.
30.
I wish I was a little bit shorter I wish I was a hoarder I wish there was a bed made of cats I could order.
31.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
32.
FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs F: This is why u werent invited
33.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
34.
[raises eyebrow] [watches eyebrow graduate] [cries at eyebrow's wedding]
35.
me: I have a bachelors degree waiter: so do I bus boy: so do I rat feeding on crumbs under the table: hey me too
36.
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not