How to Be Popular if You Have No Self Esteem

Co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW

Last Updated: October 10, 2022 References

Having low-esteem can make life difficult. Interacting with other people and being sociable can be extra challenging when you do not feel confident. Luckily, there are many things you can do to become even if you have low self-esteem and be the type of person that everyone loves to be around.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Improving Your Self-Esteem

1
Make a list of your accomplishments. When your self-esteem is low, you may forget about all of the things you have achieved. Get a piece of paper and set a timer for 20 minutes. Write down all of your accomplishments. Nothing is too big or too small to be included on your list.^{[1]
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- For example, passing a test, finishing a project at school, making the honor roll, or making 1st chair in the band are all accomplishments.
- You can repeat this exercise anytime you are feeling bad about yourself.
2
Turn your negative thoughts into positive thoughts. The more you listen to the negative thoughts about yourself, the more you will believe them. These thoughts are often not true. Make a list of the negative thoughts you have about yourself and then write a positive statement to refute each thought.^{[2]
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- If you think, "I am a failure," refute that by saying, "I am successful at many things." If you write, "Nobody cares about me," refute that by saying, "I have people that care for me."
- Read the positive statements out loud. Keep the list by your bed. You may need to look at the list daily.
3
Stop comparing yourself to other people. It can be easy to look at another person and feel less important, less attractive, or less accomplished.^{[3]
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Research source} However, you do not really know someone else's life or what it is really like to be them. The only person you are competing against is yourself.^{[4]
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- Make a list of your strengths and weakness. Some of your weaknesses may be things you can work on. For example, one of your weaknesses may be that you are late everywhere you go. Learning to be on time is something that you can definitely improve upon.
- By focusing on yourself, you will spend less time focusing on other people.
4
Set realistic goals. Your goals should be small and something that you can actually achieve. You do not want to set yourself up for failure. Reaching your goals is a process, and you may experience set backs or not achieve as fast as you had planned to. Just keep trying; never give up.^{[5]
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- If you have not been exercising at all and your goal is to run a marathon in one month, you would be setting yourself up for failure. A more realistic goal would be to run a 5k in three months and following a consistent running plan.
- Using the SMART goals framework can help you set realistic goals for yourself.
5
Take care of your physical health. Exercising, getting enough sleep, and eating well can make you feel better about yourself. Exercise releases endorphins that can improve your mood. If you do not sleep enough, your negative feelings about yourself may feel more intense. A balanced diet, high in fruits and vegetables, can improve your mood as well.^{[6]
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- Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes a day.
- Most people need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night.^{[7]
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  Research source} If you are a teenager, you need a little more sleep. Try to get 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night.^{[8]
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6
Do activities that you enjoy. Try to do at least one thing every day that you enjoy. Take a walk, watch a television show, read a magazine article, listen to music, or spend time with a friend. When you spend time with others, make sure that they are positive people who make you feel good about yourself.^{[9]
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- You can also do something nice for someone else (e.g. give someone a card, smile at a person, volunteer) . You will typically feel better about yourself when you do something good for another person.
- Engaging in activities that you enjoy is another way you can take care of yourself.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Increasing Your Popularity

1
Be easy going. If people have a good time when they are around you, feel relaxed, and feel like they can be themselves, they will want to spend more time around you. Try to have a positive attitude when others are around.^{[10]
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Research source} Avoid talking badly about other people and gossiping, complaining, and repeating your problems.
- Being a positive person does not mean that you ignore problems. You instead look for the bright side of every situation.^{[11]
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- Even if you have are having a bad day, think of one thing good that happened to you. If someone asked you how your day was, you might say, "My day wasn't that great, but I read the funniest article today. Would you like to hear about it?" You can acknowledge that your day wasn't great, but still have something positive to discuss.
- Always compliment and encourage people when they are around you.
2
Be a good listener. People will enjoy being around you when you take an interest in what they have to say.^{[12]
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Research source}^{[13]
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Research source} When someone is talking to you, do not interrupt or think about what you will say next. Focus on what the person is saying to you and make eye contact with them.
- When someone is talking to you, listen for the "why" and the "what." Why is the person talking to you? What message are they trying to communicate?"^{[14]
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- Let the other person do the majority of the talking. Nod your head, say "yes," or "I understand" to let the person know that you are truly listening to them.
- If someone is talking about an unfamiliar topic, ask questions to push the conversation forward and allow you to learn more. You can also try saying, "That's really interesting. How did you hear about that?"
- Asking questions and making the conversation about the other person can be really helpful if you are having a low self-esteem day and do not want to talk about yourself.
3
Have a good sense of humor. Everyone appreciates a good sense of humor. People love to be around people who make them laugh and do not take life too seriously.^{[15]
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Research source} This does not mean that you need to go around telling jokes all of the time.
- Look for humor in your everyday life instead of getting upset about something.^{[16]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  
  Go to source} For example, if you tripped on the stairs, make a joke about being clumsy or the floor moving instead of becoming upset of embarrassed.
- Watch funny movies and television shows, spend time with funny people, or read a humor book to help you develop your sense of humor.
4
Be yourself. Do not change who you are to get people to like you. You are a unique individual with something to offer. Changing who you are can be stressful and keep people from liking the real you. Be honest about your likes and dislikes and the type of person you are.^{[17]
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- People can often tell if you are not being genuine and may actually be turned off by it.
- The things that make you unique (e.g. your sense of humor, personal style, weird laugh, etc.) are often the things that draw people to you.
5
Do not focus solely on being popular. While you do want to become popular, your complete focus should not be on becoming popular. If you focus solely on popularity, you will begin to do things to please and impress other people. This tactic may work at first, but you will not be successful in the long run.^{[18]
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- Use strategies that incorporate your natural self.
- You will end up lonely and feeling worse about yourself if your self-esteem becomes tied to how other people view you.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Becoming a People Person

1
Know how to start a conversation. Popular people are able to easily start conversations with different types of people. This can be scary or uncomfortable. Smile, make eye contact, and use a conversation starter that makes sense for the situation.^{[19]
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- You can always give a compliment. Try saying, "I love your ____ , where did you get those?"
- You can simply introduce yourself by saying, "Hi, my name is ___ ."
- If you are at some type of museum or exhibit, "This piece is really great. Are you familiar with this artist?" or "I love this type of stuff. Do you know of any other places I should check out?"
- Having a few go-to conversation starters keeps you from getting too nervous when talking to new people.
2
Make eye contact when you talk to people. Eye contact takes practice and can be especially difficult if you have low self esteem. Start with 5 seconds, and work your way up. To break up the eye contact look at another feature on their face (never below the chin, and never over their shoulder),then come back to their eyes.
- Making eye contact shows the person that you are interested in them and creates a connection between you and the other person.
- Make more eye contact when you are listening to a person than you do when you are the one speaking.^{[20]
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3
Smile at people. Look people in the eye and smile when you see them. It makes you look more attractive and will make the other person feel good. Smiling will even improve your mood. You will probably find that if you smile at a person, they will smile right back at you because smiling is contagious.^{[21]
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- A genuine smile draws other people to you and can help you make new friends.^{[22]
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- Smiling signals to other people that you are a happy, positive person; the type of person people love to be around.
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Tips

Remember that building self-esteem is a process. The only way to improve your self esteem is by doing; start with small, positive changes that you are comfortable with, and centralize the improvements in yourself and in your life.

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Good self esteem will help you throughout your life.

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Keep a journal to write your personal attributes and always listen to your inner voice.

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