Kings Gameday: Boating School

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHICH GUY ON THE OILERS CAN'T PASS A TEST

TAY-LOR HALL-SY

STRUGGLES WITH THINKING HIS BRAIN NEEDS A REST

TAY-LOR HALL-SY

IF HE WAS A SAILOR THEN HE WOULD BE MADE

TAY-LOR HALL-SY

THEN HELP POOR TAYLOR HE NEVER PASSED THE THIRD GRADE

TAY-LOR HALL-SY

you know the rest

Taylor Hall is...not smart. Some may say "slow", "dim", or "a fucking moron". But that doesn't matter, those are just details. The main problem Taylor Hall has, despite his standing as a professional athlete, is he cannot pass a boating exam.

Failed my boaters licence again. I'm a joke I just want my licence

— Taylor Hall (@hallsy04) June 22, 2011

This is sad. I actually feel bad for him. He knows he's dumb as dirt, and yet all he wants is to enjoy the high seas of Alberta. Except he has failed his boating exam. Multiple times! He has been living SpongeBob Squarepants' nightmare of repeating Mrs. Puff's course over and over again, failing because he is a loudmouthed dip shit.

I often wondered how difficult this could possibly be because it's only a boating test, and, well, it's an Edmonton boating test. The active waters of Alberta aren't something you regularly hear about. So using some intense investigating (thanks Google!), I was able to find out about what goes into this test, and how to acquire a license.

So getting popped for not having a license is only a $250 fine. I'm just going to assume now that Taylor never got his, and just throws $250 in his pocket whenever he goes out. Assuming he can count that high. Anyways, lets read up on this boating license intro...

Edmonton is the capital of Alberta, and it is a truly wonderful place to boat or fish.

Living there...not so much.

Alberta has a continental climate, and this means warm summers but not too warm. Temperatures rarely get above 30 degrees Celsius and are usually quite moderate, which means it is perfect weather for boating and doing other activities outdoors.

So you can really only use your boat during those two months where the temperature is above 5 dangler-a-doos or whatever the fuck they call them. It's incredible people live in these places where it's not amazing weather all the time. And, "not too warm"? You're on the water. "Dear god, if it gets warm I might actually want to get wet."

Edmonton, of course, does not have a coast, but it does have a rich park system, and it integrates many of its lakes and rivers into that system, including the Saskatchewan River.

They call those sorta places "bad".

Like the rest of Alberta, Edmonton is quite strict when it comes to boating licenses and other boating regulations. The good news is that getting your boating license in Edmonton is relatively easy.

Taylor...

There are, however, riverboats, paddleboats, sailboats, jet skis and the like, which do not require licenses.

A paddleboat is probably more his speed.

Now as it turns out, you can pretty much just go ahead and sign up for a course.

And the same rules apply to everyone, even Edmonton Oilers. At least Taylor Hall was able to take advantage of the free retries. The real question is if they have limit on that. You have to imagine the fifty bucks is just for processing a license and generating a few bucks for the government. The test itself has to be pretty rudimentary since they just assume after a while you'll pass it. They even had a practice test.

10 questions? Jesus Christ, Taylor. Okay, so maybe the real one is more of a 30 question test. At least I hope so for Hall's uneducated dumb ass. These questions can maybe give us a good understanding of what's on this test and-

Oh for fuck's sake. I have sneaking suspicion Hall doesn't know what carbon monoxide is to begin with. He probably fears he has been poisoned every time he has been hungry now, too.

Okay, now this question is closer to what I'd imagine is on a boating test. Of course, with the multiple choice you can pretty much rule out a few of these answers. Between that and the words "cold water" you can pretty much guess easily. Except, well, it's Taylor Hall.

These big words will just confuse the poor boy.

Again, the answer is obvious, but Taylor probably is more confused about the "Be aware of pirates" option not being available.

Make sure you always bring your whistles, kids. Not having that cooler on board the boat though should be a criminal offense.

I'm pretty sure this is the point where Taylor gave up on boats all together.

There's those damn big words again meant to confuse Taylor. Of course, after seeing this question you could now easily figure out the hypothermia definition question from earlier and answer it correctly, but Taylor probably got more flustered by the picture of the naked blue hair guy.

Why did they use a picture of Beavis for this question?

*Sigh*

Taylor, this is just embarrassing now. Hall actually responded to this question with "inside the cooler to stop it from being hippotherma."

You know what Taylor? Yes. You are a failure. You couldn't get your license with questions like these? God help us all if you have a car. I think it's probably unsafe for Hall to even have one of those electric kiddie jeeps to cruise around in.

Prediction: Taylor Hall tries to use his paddleboat on the Staples Center's ice. Connor McDavid has his jaw severed by an errant skate blade after Dustin Brown wipes out. Kings still lose 3-2.