Hello Maggie. Hi Small Talk!
You've won loads of things (an MBE for services to rugby union, 63 caps for England, seven successive Six Nations titles (six of them grand slams), a Sunday Times sportswoman of the year award, the first ever female winner of the Pat Marshall award from the Rugby Union Writers' Club, [deep breath] named in the Powerlist 100 of the most influential people of African and African-Caribbean descent in Britain for three years running). Do you have a trophy room? I don't actually – I just keep them in my room. I'm in the middle of buying a new place so they're just sitting on the side.
Oh, OK. Which award is your favourite? The MBE is the one I'm most proud of.
Do you wish the RFU.com had started your player profile with "Winner of an MBE …" rather than "Born with a club foot …" Nah I don't think its too strange because the club foot is really the start of my journey.
[Red faced, realising that Small Talk had itself started the interview with this … ] Do you wish Small Talk hadn't started this interview with this? No I don't mind – it's a big thing in my life. At a young age, my mother had to make a decision to have the operation to correct my foot and it meant I was in and out of hospital. As I got older, it has not really caused me too many problems – I just have a permanent limp at times but I can still run and tackle as hard as the next person so I don't let it bother me too much.
Did you used to dump tackle a lot of the lads growing up? Yeah, and I put Owen Farrell on his arse in training at Saracens! He would never mention that though.
Top bombing! I've heard on the grapevine/Google that you're in a band? No, I used to be in a band called "Sirens". I played lead guitar!
Were you any good? And would you ever consider a comeback tour? [Firmly] No to both.
You grew up in Enfield, north London – the same borough as Chas & Dave, Adele, Amy Winehouse and last week's Mercury Prize winner James Blake – maybe it's in the water. [Sceptical murmuring]
The Guardian described some of James Blake's album "as if being performed by a cloistered monk". How would you describe your old music? As if being performed by … [long pause] a confused nun?
That'll do. What was your first job? [Genuinely enthused] Best job in the world, working for McDonalds! [other fast-food outlets are available] I enjoyed it actually, when you're younger you don't really care too much.
Small Talk does always wonder if that cheery customer service is a front or … I used to love it, everyone was the same age and we used to have a bit of banter.
How did you deal with rude or drunk customers? I would always just give that person their change in the lowest coinage my till could muster.
How very professional of you. Speaking of professionalism, [Small Talk pats itself on the back for excellent segue] how has the women's game come on before the World Cup next year? It's come on massively. When I first started, it wasn't talked about at all in the media, the players didn't have the same attitude towards it. Now the standard is so much higher, the players all eat and sleep rugby and you're starting to see games on TV. It's the little things like having the same kit at the men's side that really go a long way.
What's the biggest difference between playing for club and country? When I'm with England, the level of coaching is that step higher and there's more tactical work done analysing opponents, just because there are more resources. That said, our set-up at Saracens is one of the best.
How diplomatic of you. It is still tough at club level where we only train twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday, people are coming from their day-jobs, compared to when you're travelling internationally, you are with the girls all week, and learn a lot more. The ultimate aim is playing rugby 24/7.
Your club Saracens play on an artificial pitch at Allianz Park, sounds painful. Yeah I've got a few battle wounds but you get used to it and I actually prefer it to playing on the grass. When it's been raining it's great, you can basically just slide around!
That does sound fun! You've just come back from an injury that kept you out for 20 months. What did you do to keep yourself busy? Cycling mostly. I've got even bigger quads now.
But your nickname is "Maggie the Machine" and one of your team-mates referred to you on Twitter as the "Big Bad Wolf". The last thing you probably need are bigger quads. Have you got any nice nicknames? You seem quite nice on the telephone. They also call me "Vending Machine", that's not that scary is it?
Maybe you could resurrect your flailing musical career with Florence and the Machine [scraping bottom of the barrel here], adding some shredding lead guitar solos to her loud voice. [Fake laughing] Yeah maybe. I've been trying to get people to call me The Fonz from Happy Days!
Why? Maggie Al-Fonz-ie. Get it? Plus, I used to love watching Happy Days as a child.
Small Talk loves a good pun, but the thing is, you can't give yourself a nickname. It's against the rules. It has to be bestowed on you by your peers ... You can try.
"AYYYYYYYY" Yeah I used to always say it.
Give us a fact about you that not many people know. I really like bread.
Thanks for your time Maggie, and good luck next year in the World Cup! Bye! Bye Small Talk!
Maggie is in the starting lineup for the England v France international on Saturday at Twickenham. The game is exclusively live on Sky Sports as part of a year-round commitment to women's sport.