How to Choose a Parenting Style

Co-authored by Wits End Parenting

Last Updated: October 11, 2022 References

Parenting is a difficult job with no clear instructions for doing it “right.” Children’s personalities and abilities vary and change over time, which can make it difficult to find the right parenting style for your child. Though choosing a parenting style isn’t a simple and straightforward process, you can find out what is going to work best for you, your family, your child, and the society in which you live.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Using One of the Main Parenting Styles

1
Know the 4 styles of parenting. Although there are many ways to be a parent, psychologists often refer to 4 main parenting styles. The styles are authoritarian, permissive, authoritative, and uninvolved. Take some time to learn about each the positive and negative qualities of each style so you can figure out which style will benefit your family the most. It’s important to consider your specific child’s temperament and tailor your parenting style to suit their needs, incorporating as many authoritative aspects as possible.^{[1]
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- In general, children whose parents hold high expectations (authoritarian and authoritative) tend to be more successful than children whose parents have few expectations (permissive and uninvolved).^{[2]
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- Although many parenting styles have their pros and cons at a given time, most research suggests that children who grow up with authoritative styles tend to be more socially adjusted and do well in school. While authoritative parenting seems to have the best outcomes across cultures, different cultures may have different ways of implementing this parenting style.
- Authoritative parenting has the best results when parents explain the rules to their children and talk to them when they misbehave. Ideally, they enforce rules, explain the reasons for those rules, don’t let their children get away with bad behavior, and also show high levels of warmth.^{[3]
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2
Start with authoritative parenting to set clear boundaries that your child understands. It’s easier to start with a slightly more strict style and then become lenient than it is to be permissive and attempt to use authority later on. The authoritative style of parenting falls somewhere between authoritarian and permissive. These parents set high expectations, but also explain the logic behind the rules they have set. This form of parenting focuses on the needs of the child and the parent. Authoritative parents expect their children to act their age, to control their emotions, and to learn independence. Children in authoritative homes are nurtured by affectionate parents who allow them enough freedom to explore life.^{[4]
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- Prepare to talk to your child. Authoritative parenting involves explaining the reasoning behind most of your decisions. This style can be quite challenging when your child throws a temper tantrum when you’re in line at the grocery store. Patience, however, doesn’t mean accepting your child’s behavior, but rather correcting it in a way that makes sense to them.
- Make adjustments for your child. Your child's behavior may range from extremely obedient to very disobedient. Try being a bit more lenient if you think they need to explore more. Conversely, you may need to create a more strict environment for children whose behavior puts them in danger.
3
Consider authoritarian parenting if you’d like to run a strict household. The authoritarian style of parenting involves hard set rules and high behavioral expectations of children. Parents who use this style of parenting do not explain their rules to their children, but they expect them to follow the rules without question. Children are taught to always respect authorities.^{[5]
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- Consider being authoritarian in certain situations. Some children need strict boundaries when it comes to things like behavior and academics. It is possible to be more authoritarian in cases where your child may not necessarily understand or agree with the rules.
- When employing this style, refrain from over explaining. This can make it sound as though you need justification for your decision and children are likely to look for loopholes to argue when they see this opening.
4
Try permissive style parenting if you want to give your child unlimited freedom. Permissive parenting requires few demands from children. The parents have few rules or expectations. If the children do something wrong, the permissive parent may not punish them. This type of parent is nurturing and affectionate and allows children to express themselves freely. Permissive parents are accepting of emotional outbursts, sometimes resulting in poor behavior.^{[6]
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- Use permissive styles carefully. Having low, or few, expectations of your child can make it harder for them to do well in work, school, and other situations outside of the household. You may need to differentiate behavior at home versus behavior at school and explain the expectations in each environment.^{[7]
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- On the other hand, children whose behavior is outstanding and under control may benefit from a bit of freedom once in awhile.
5
Avoid uninvolved parenting whenever possible. The uninvolved parent demands little from his or her children and only provides what is required for basic care. Uninvolved parenting is a hands-off style that does not involve discipline, affection, or redirection of any behavior. The children's emotional needs are largely ignored. As a result, children tend to have behavioral issues and tend to be unhappy.^{[8]
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Research source}Compared to the other styles, children of uninvolved parents tend to be the least competent.^{[9]
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- Many parents are uninvolved because of substance abuse or other mental issues. Other parents are uninvolved because of the pressures of keeping work that sustains a family. If you are unable to be involved in your child’s life, ensure that another adult takes the reigns in your absence.
- This style can be an unintentional consequence of a single parent with a full-time job. Although the desire to be involved is there, it is not logistically possible. In these situations, a mentoring program may be a great idea to bring another responsible adult into the child’s life.
6
Decide which style works best for you and your child. Evaluate the parenting styles and decide which one fits best. Remember to think about the many adult figures your child will interact with as they grow up.
- You may or may not be parenting on your own. If there are other adults involved, think about what style they are using. Your child will have the most success if you and the other caregivers in the child’s life are on the same page and have similar parenting styles.
- Think about the culture you are part of. Parenting varies across cultures. For example, your child may grow up in a culture of authoritarian adults. This may or may not be good for your child’s needs. Think about whether you want to balance this with a more democratic approach.
7
Make a plan to stick to your chosen style. Once you’ve made a choice to parent in a certain way, make every effort to stick to it. Parenting is challenging and practices, especially disciplining practices, can go out the window when things get tough. Find a way to stick to the style you’ve chosen.
- Don’t worry if you have to make changes. Children change, so parenting must change too. Be open to adapting your style for the various situations that come up.^{[10]
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  Research source} You may not want to swing from one end to another and confuse your child, but being a bit more strict or lenient on some occasions may be appropriate.
- Keep in mind that parenting styles will naturally fluctuate as children grow and transition through different seasons of lives.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Making a Choice with Your Co-Parent

1
Review the main parenting styles with others involved in raising the child. You don’t have to decide on a parenting style on your own. If you are raising children with other adults, talk to them about what they believe is best for the child. You may refer to the parenting styles, or come up with a hybrid style of your own.
- If someone is co-parenting with you on a 50/50 basis, it is extremely helpful to have similar, if not the same, parenting styles for consistency.
In any household there is a lot of work to be done. With 2 parents, it is important that there is open communication about whose job it is to meet the various needs of your child. You'll have to agree on a clear division of labor for things to run smoothly. Who will take care of bath time? Who will cook dinner? These are good questions to work through before the stresses of being parents pile up.^{[11]
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3
Make a parenting plan. Come up with a set of practices that you will use to ensure that you see the desired outcome for you and your child. Have a conversation with the parents involved and create a clear guide for how you will handle parenting issues.
- Talk about discipline and praise. Figure out when and how you will praise, discipline, and spend time with your child.
- Talk about parenting duties. Decide how you will divide child care, finances, and household chores with your spouse or co-parent.
- Agree in advance about appropriate consequences for negative behavior and rewards for positive behavior.^{[12]
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  Wits End Parenting
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  Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.} You do not want to decide these things for the first time in front of the child. When children see conflict like this, they may begin to play 1 parent against the other.
4
Check in to see if you are being effective. Check in with your fellow parent (or parents) to see how things are going. Think back to what you wanted for your child when you first put together a parenting plan. Compare your child’s reality with your original expectations. If things are not going as planned, consider adjusting your strategies or changing your parenting style.^{[13]
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- Ask key questions to see if things are going well. Is your child doing well in school? Are they making good choices? Do they have significant friendships? Are they happy?
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Looking to Your Community

1
Think about what kind of person you want to your child to be. Parents play a large role in shaping their children. You are not the only one who has a say in their personality, but you’ll be your child’s first teacher, protector, and friend. Think about what you need to do to mold your child into a person you (and your child) can be proud of.
- Much of this is about taking the time to listen and see what kind of people they are developing into. For example, don’t push your children to decide who they want to be they grow up or force them into sports you want them to play.
One way to choose a style is to refer back to what your parents did. For some people, thinking back to their own parenting is heart-warming, while for others it may cause trauma. Either way, most parents end up continuing the parenting cycle in some form, so take care in analyzing your family history. Consider asking your own parents about the techniques they used with you. Decide if you want to pass those experiences on to your own child.^{[14]
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3
Talk to other parents. If you have a child or are expecting, chances are you already know a few people who have children of their own. Ask them about the strategies they use with their children.
- Touch on key topics. Parenting is a large subject. You may want to come prepared with questions about specific topics like how to discipline, how much free time to allow, and how to split parenting responsibilities.
- These are great conversations you can have on the playground with other parents.
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Expert Q&A

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Question

What can I do to get my child to enjoy school more?

Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists
Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

Wits End Parenting

Parenting Specialists

Expert Answer

In a lot of cases, it's perfectly reasonable for a child to not enjoy school. It's not always the most stimulating place you can be if you're a child. It helps to be honest with your child in this case. Acknowledge that school isn't always super interesting, or that a teacher isn't particularly engaging. This way, you can reorient their thinking to focus on overcoming the hurdle, rather than pretending it isn't there. Honesty can have a really great impact on your child in the long run!

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