All bulges are ranked and measured on a scale of zero to five Jon Hamms. Each celebulge was evaluated on its outline, girth, and prominence to determine its rank and the number of Hamms it deserved.
DISCLAIMER: Jon Hamm is not ranked on the list, as it would be completely unfair to everyone else to be ranked against the Rosetta Bulge.
21. The Taylor Lautner
Why it's important: You won't need your 3D glasses for this one. Taylor's shark boy sets the precedent of what it really means to be a toned and defined bulge in Hollywood. Although this bulge is on the perky side, it lacks girth circumference that makes for a five-Hamm bulge.
Bulge Rating: ½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
20. The Darren Criss
Why it's important: Although we have no doubt this gleeful bulge has the potential to make you feel like you're living a teenage dream, it has room for growing in those spacious sweatpants.
Bulge Rating: ½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
19. The Zac Efron
Why it's important: Although a little underwhelming and disappointing in outline and stature, Efron's bulge is a nice accent to the rest of his body. Dave Franco can't even resist taking a peek at this one.
Bulge Rating: 1 out of 5 Jon Hamms
18. The Joe Jonas
Why it's important: The most underrated fourth member of the Jonas Brothers is also arguably the most talented member of the late band. Despite this Jonas bulge's appealing onstage presence, Hamm is packing nearly double of this brother.
Bulge Rating: 1 out of 5 Jon Hamms
17. The Prince Harry
Why it's important: I mean, there are bigger bulges on the list, but IT'S A ROYAL BULGE. LOOK AT THAT CHARMING PRINCE BULGE.
Bulge Rating: 1½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
16. The David Henrie
Why it's important: For four seasons, the true magic behind Disney's Wizards of Waverly Place was tucked away inside Justin Russo's pants. To say the least, this is the most magical bulge of all the bulges.
HARRY POTTER, I THINK WE FOUND THE ELDER WAND!
Bulge Rating: 1½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
15. The Ricky Martin
Why it's important: This bulge didn't fully blossom until it split off from boy band Menudo back in the late '80s. The charisma this bulge has developed over a long career is unbeatable... Well, maybe a little beatable. Livin' la vida loca in the presence of this bulge!
Bulge Rating: 2 out of 5 Jon Hamms
14. The Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield)
Why it's important: If the webs that shoot from these fingertips can save lives, imagine what the webs from this super bulge could do! Peter, park in here, please.
Bulge Rating: 2 out of 5 Jon Hamms
13. The David Beckham
Why it's important: You don't get your own underwear line with a mediocre bulge. This bulge has nice curves and fills out any underwear properly. You know what they say: "Bulge like Beckham!"
Bulge Rating: 2 out of 5 Jon Hamms
12. The Jake Gyllenhaal
Why it's important: We're just gonna go ahead and say this bulge could probably save someone's life with a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Who would want to live a day after tomorrow without it?
Bulge Rating: 2½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
11. The Jamie Foxx
Why it's important: Don't blame the sight of this bulge on the alcohol, IT'S REAL LIFE, PEOPLE. Unchained or tucked away under clothes, this is one beautiful bulge.
Bulge Rating: 2½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
10. The Mario Lopez
Why it's important: It's hard to think of a bulge that has been in our lives as long this one. I mean we've practically watched it grow on national television. It's easy to see why this bulge ranks in the top 10.
Relax, everyone: It's all right 'cause you're saved by the bulge!
Bulge Rating: 2½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
9. The Ryan Gosling
Why it's important: I mean, it's attached to Ryan Gosling.
Bulge Rating: 3 out of 5 Jon Hamms
8. The Jensen Ackles
Why it's important: This supernatural bulge put its head on the line to represent bulges on television during a time when bulges were highly underrepresented. With the help of a tight wardrobe, Ackles proved you can be packing despite working on a show called Smallville.
Bulge Rating: 3 out of 5 Jon Hamms
7. The Shemar Moore
Why it's important: Moore's bulge has taught us two important life lessons:
1. It's what's underneath that counts.
2. You can never hide who you truly are.
WE CAN LEARN FROM THE BULGES.
Bulge Rating: 3½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
6. The Kellan Lutz
Why it's important: From sporting workout attire to designer clothes, The Lulge will be sure to make itself present no matter the apparel. This is one bulge that truly keeps on giving around the c(l)ock.
Bulge Rating: 3½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
5. The Michael Fassbender
Why it's important: Michael's fasshionable meat locker is easily the best-dressed bulge out there. This is one bad bulge you wouldn't be afraid take to home to meet the parents.
Bulge Rating: 4 out of 5 Jon Hamms
4. The Cristiano Ronaldo
Why it's important: The thought of playing with soccer balls was far less appealing before Ronaldo's bulge first came onto the field and into our hearts.
Bulge Rating: 4 out of 5 Jon Hamms
3. The Zachary Quinto
Why it's important: DO YOU SEE THAT?! HAROLD, DO YOU SEE THAT BULGE?! Who wouldn't want to Trek into the darkness with this bulge?
2. The Justin Theroux
Why it's important: This active bulge is threouxghly the most enjoyable bulge to watch. Once set in motion, its girth and shock factor make for an unforgettable and hypnotizing sway as it slaps against the surrounding thighs.
Bulge Rating: 4½ out of 5 Jon Hamms
1. The Mark Wahlberg
Why it's important: You would think the pressures of being the hottest bulge in Hollywood would be too much to handle, but not for Marky's Mark! This perfectly symmetrical bulge stands erected next to Hamm's as the most important bulge of all time. If you've got it, flaunt it.
Bulge Rating: IT'S HAMMER TIME
And a special thank you to the Bulge Father who started it all:
Bulgography: Jon Hamm has courageously outlined a way for all other bulges to finally get the attention they deserve. This post would not have been possible without this draping masterpiece and its total disregard for underwear.