1. The ocean is filthy. The ocean is a big fish toilet.
AND OTHER SEA CREATURE EXCREMENT.
2. And most of it is still unexplored. We don't even know what's down there.
3. EXCEPT FOR CRABS, LYING IN WAIT TO PINCH YOUR TOES AS YOU INNOCENTLY WALK BY.
4. AND, OH YEAH, SHARKS.
5. Going into the ocean is the equivalent of OFFERING YOURSELF UP AS SHARK FOOD.
6. And what else lives in the ocean? GIANT SQUIDS.
7. The one thing we do know about the ocean for sure: It hates people.
8. It literally does nothing but kick us out.
9. Some people call them "waves" but they're really just "passive-aggression."
10. The ocean loves nothing more than to fluctuate temperatures, just to mess with humans.
"Yesterday the water was 83 degrees and today it's 0 DEGREES."
11. And getting a drop of salty ocean water in your eyes? DEATH.
12. The beach is packed with people. And people cannot be trusted.
When I was a kid I would dig a hole in the sand, pee in it, and bury the hole back up. #beachfail
13. The sun lives at the beach, and the sun is horrible.
14. Spending one hour on a sunny beach can lead to one week of applying aloe and sleeping sitting up.
15. The beach requires lugging around so many things that no one ever ends up using.
16. No one ever really knows what to do once they get to the beach.
17. But it doesn't even matter what you do. The ocean is waiting to foil you.
18. Sand.
19. Beach parties.
20. Seagulls live at the beach, waiting for the opportune moment to fly by and poop on your food.
21. It's impossible to take a flattering picture at the beach.
22. You think the beach is romantic? The beach is not romantic.
23. The beach hates your love.
24. Nothing good ever comes from going to the beach.
