How to Handle Your Child's Temper Tantrum

Co-authored by Kylee Money

Last Updated: April 4, 2024 Approved

As a parent, temper tantrums are one of the most stressful and frustrating things you'll have to deal with, especially once your child hits the terrible twos. However, according to child psychologists, most children don't throw a tantrum just to be naughty or manipulative. Rather, the screaming is a symptom of the child's anger and frustration when they don't have the vocabulary to explain what's wrong with them. Therefore, staying calm and learning to identify what is really bothering your child will help you to handle the situation quickly and effectively.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Talking it Through

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The worst thing parents can do is have a temper tantrum over their child's temper tantrum. Children need a calming influence, especially during a tantrum, and if you can’t provide that, you can’t expect them to calm down. Take a few deep breaths and wait at least a few seconds before deciding on a response.^{[1]
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Make sure the child has what they need. Remember that your child's tantrum is not necessarily a way to "get their way", but could be the result of frustration, lack of needed attention from you, or even a physical problem, like low blood sugar, pain or digestive problems. Maybe your child is teething, has a dirty diaper, or needs a nap. In cases like these, don’t try to negotiate with the child, but simply provide what is needed and the tantrum will subside.^{[2]
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- It’s very common for kids to throw tantrums when they’re sleepy. A regularly scheduled naptime can help prevent recurring tantrums if this seems to be the problem.
- When you’re out and about with your child, have a healthy snack available at all times, so they don’t end up throwing a tantrum out of hunger.
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3
Ask what’s wrong. Kids just want to be heard, and throwing a tantrum is often the best way they know how to express themselves. Taking your child seriously by asking what’s wrong and actually listening to the response can help. Hold your child and give them your full attention so they have time to explain.^{[3]
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- This is not to say that you need to give in to whatever your child wants. The point is simply to hear your child out in a respectful way, just as you would anyone else. Whether your child wants a new toy or doesn’t want to go to school, they should have the right to express that.
4
Give clear explanations instead of just saying "no". Many parents just say “no” and “because I said so” instead of explaining the reason why, but that’s frustrating for kids. You don’t have to give a long-winded explanation, but providing a reason for your actions will help the child make sense of things and feel more in control of the situation.
- For example, if you’re in the grocery store and your child throws a tantrum because they want sugary cereal, remind them that they like oatmeal and fruit for breakfast, so there’s no need to buy cereal, too.
5
Offer your child a choice of coping strategies. For example, your child wants ice cream, but it's too close to dinner. Say: "Alexis, you're really getting upset now. Calm down or you'll have to go to your room." You have given them a choice: either control themselves or, if they can't, retreat to a place where they won't influence others. If they make the right choice (to calm down), remember to compliment them: "You asked for ice cream and I said no. I want to thank you for taking no for an answer."
- Conversely, have consequences and enforce them if they choose to get upset. Guide them to their room and firmly insist that they remain there until they calm down, for example. This is easier with a two-year-old than with an eight-year-old, so the younger you begin the learning process the better.
Be empathetic but firm when you talk with your child, and once you’ve given a calm explanation, don’t back down. Your child may or may not calm down right away, but they will remember that throwing a tantrum doesn’t lead to satisfactory results. Next time your child wants something, they will be less likely to throw a tantrum.^{[4]
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Take steps to prevent injury. Some children can become quite animated during a tantrum. If this occurs, remove dangerous objects from the child’s path or steer the child away from danger.^{[5]
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- Try to avoid restraining a child during a tantrum, but sometimes this is necessary and comforting. Be gentle (do not use excessive force), but hold them firmly. Speak reassuringly to the child, especially if the tantrum is the result of disappointment, frustration, or unfamiliar surroundings.
8
Don’t lose your own temper. It’s important to model the behavior you want to see for your child. If you lose it and start yelling and throwing an adult-style tantrum of your own, your child will see this type of behavior as something that’s acceptable at your house. It’s not easy to do, but staying calm and collected is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Take a few minutes to cool off by yourself if you need to. Get your spouse or other responsible person to look after the child while you calm down. Put your child in their room with a gate in front of the door if necessary.^{[6]
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- Do not spank or yell at your child. Losing control of yourself in this way will only make your child feel confused and scared of you. It won’t lead to a healthy and trusting relationship.
- Modeling good ways to communicate and handle frustration within your relationship with your partner is also important. Avoid fighting in front of your child, or getting upset when you don’t get your way.
9
Help your child feel loved no matter what. Sometimes kids throw tantrums because they just want some extra love and attention. Withholding love is never a good policy when it comes to disciplining a child. No matter what, your child should know that you love them no matter what.^{[7]
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- Avoid berating your child or saying “I’m so disappointed in you” when they throw a tantrum.
- Hug your child and say “I love you,” even if you’re very frustrated with their behavior.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Trying Time Out (for Young Children)

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Avoid trying to reason with any child who is in the middle of a full-blown tantrum. Give them time to vent. Instead, give the child phrases to express the emotions that they are experiencing. Say phrases like, "You must be really tired after such a long day," or, "You must feel frustrated that you can't have what you want right now." This not only will help the child verbalize this later, but shows empathy without having to give in. At this point, you may find that your best option is giving the child space until they calm down.
2
Tell your child it’s “time out” or “quiet time”. If your toddler is having a complete meltdown, and there’s no way they will be responsive to a rational conversation, sometimes quiet time is the best method. Tell them it’s time to be quiet until they can calm down and feel better.^{[8]
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- Remain calm yourself to model good behavior for your child.
- Don’t use quiet time as a threat or punishment, but rather as a way to give your child space so they can calm down.
3
Place them in a safe spot. The child’s bedroom or another safe place in the house where you feel comfortable leaving them alone for a little while is best. The spot should be free of distractions such as a computer, TV or handheld video game. Choose a quiet, peaceful place that the child associates with feeling calm.
- Don’t lock the child in a room. This can be dangerous and will be interpreted as a punishment.
This will help your child to understand that you are ignoring them because their behavior is unacceptable, not because you don’t care about them. When the child calms down, fulfill your part of the bargain by discussing the tantrum and the child’s concerns.
5
Have a talk when it's time. When your child is no longer having a fit, have a conversation about what happened. Without berating your child or taking an accusatory tone, ask why they were upset. Provide a clear explanation of your side of the story.
- It’s important not to treat your child as the enemy, even if you’re upset with them. Hug your child and speak lovingly even as you’re explaining that we can’t always get our way.
Kids need structure in order to feel safe and in control of their lives. If they’re never sure what will happen if they behave a certain way, they’ll start acting out. Use “time out” or “quiet time” each time your child throws a tantrum. They will soon learn that screaming and kicking aren’t as effective as talking things through.
If you don’t feel comfortable putting your child in a different room or spot, you can still facilitate a time out of sorts by shifting your attention elsewhere. When your child throws a tantrum, tell them you’re going to write about it. Take out a journal and write down what happened and how you feel. Ask your child to tell you how they feel so you can write that down, too. Your child will want to be involved in what you’re doing, and will soon forget to scream and cry.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Knowing When to Get Professional Advice

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Different children respond to different disciplinary methods. Try a few different things and see what seems to work. If your child keeps throwing tantrums no matter what you do, you might want to get outside assistance from a doctor or therapist, who can provide more ideas that suit the specific needs of your child.
2
See if the tantrums are related to an environmental factor. Certain environmental stimulants might be causing your child to have more tantrums than normal. Sometimes kids have a sensitivity to food (especially sugar), light, big crowds, music, or other factors that irritate them and cause them to break down in frustration.
- Observe the times when your child has tantrums, and see if you think the tantrums are connected to something in the environment. Take away the stimulant and see if that helps.
- Get professional advice if you’re having trouble figuring out what’s causing the tantrums.
3
See if the tantrums persist as the child gets older. Most kids eventually outgrow throwing tantrums when they learn other effective forms of communication. If your child keeps throwing tantrums well past the toddler stage, there may be something going on that needs to be addressed. Consider taking your child to a doctor or therapist to see if there’s a deeper issue at hand.^{[9]
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- Take your child to the doctor if tantrums are frequent or violent. If your child throws a tantrum multiple times a day, or if the tantrums are particularly violent and exhausting, it’s a good idea to have your child meet with a professional to find out if your child has a need that’s not being met. Violent, frequent tantrums may be a symptom of a developmental issue.

Expert Q&A

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Question

Is it bad if I cave in and give my child what they want when they're throwing a tantrum?

Kylee Money
Parenting Consultant
Kylee Money is a Parenting Consultant and the Founder and CEO of Parenting Made Joyful. Since 2001, Kylee has worked with over 1,000 parents and families on sleep training, behavior management, potty training, and more. She is a contributing writer and board advisory member at Pampers.com, a CBS News Parent Expert, and featured on Fox and Friends and Buy Buy Baby. Kylee also speaks nationally at parenting expos on the subject of sleep training.

Kylee Money

Parenting Consultant

Expert Answer

Yes—all that does is teach your child that throwing a tantrum is a really good way to get what they want. Then they'll be more likely to do it next time.

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How do I prevent future tantrums?

Kylee Money
Parenting Consultant
Kylee Money is a Parenting Consultant and the Founder and CEO of Parenting Made Joyful. Since 2001, Kylee has worked with over 1,000 parents and families on sleep training, behavior management, potty training, and more. She is a contributing writer and board advisory member at Pampers.com, a CBS News Parent Expert, and featured on Fox and Friends and Buy Buy Baby. Kylee also speaks nationally at parenting expos on the subject of sleep training.

Kylee Money

Parenting Consultant

Expert Answer

As a parent, it's not your job to prevent them from having sad feelings. Your job is to facilitate a safe environment where they can feel upset and frustrated and learn to navigate those feelings. You don't need to protect them from experiencing those totally normal human feelings in the first place.

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Should I be worried about a child who acts like a dog?

Community Answer

This is harmless. Unless he's been doing this for many months, it is probably just a stage. He will grow out of it once he finds another way to get attention.

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Tips

Set your child up to succeed, not to fail. For instance, if you know that it's already been a long day and they haven't eaten since lunchtime, maybe wait until the next morning to go to the grocery store. If that's not an option, try to engage your child while shopping, and get in and out quickly. Remember how small they are and that they're just still learning to be patient!

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If you're in a public place, sometimes the best solution is simply to leave, even if you have to carry your child kicking and screaming. Remain calm, and remember that your child is behaving from a place of huge emotions, not reason.

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With eye contact and in a normal pitched tone, say that you'll listen after you have paid for the family shopping, saying names. For example, give the tot an item, saying this is what daddy likes, then put it on a conveyor belt and thank the checkout operator. Give the tot something, put it on conveyor belt, and thank them if they do it. Make them feel they've done really well and smile, saying, "I love it when you help mommy." Give them an affectionate smile.

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Warnings

Don't expect behavior that's not age-appropriate. As the parent, you don't have to accept rude or hurtful behaviors and you should set limits, but be aware of what is normal for the age of your child. Remember that the phases will pass, and your job is to guide and love your child through them, not to force them to the next phase.

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Don't cave in just to avoid embarrassment, which also teaches the child to perform for a crowd. Although parents feel as though all eyes are upon them, when their child acts up in public, the reality is most onlookers are saying, "Go for it," when they see parents setting reasonable limits for their child.

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Never surrender to your child (during a tantrum), this is a sign that they have won and that they have control. Learn to handle them at home, and you will have fewer occasions to be embarrassed in a public place. You might try "giving in" to them on small issues, which gives them a feeling of greater control, thus reducing tantrums, when they see that being calm gets rewards!

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Avoid using physical discipline, like spanking or hitting, if your child has a tantrum. Physically disciplining a child for their tantrum only makes them afraid of you and teaches them to use physical force on others (slapping, kicking, punching, etc.).

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Having a spoiled child can make things a lot worse for you if you are under quite a bit of pressure. For example, if you have the responsibility of paying bills and mortgage, a screaming toddler does not make life easier for you. Go to a place you feel like you can vent your anger out. Remember, never under any circumstances vent your anger out on the child as your difficult circumstances are not the child's fault.

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Don't frequently rely on providing a distraction (like gum) to get a young child out of a tantrum. Teach the child not to throw tantrums, and they will more quickly develop other coping mechanisms. However, some kids may have tantrums, due to being more excitable or emotional. Just like adults, some kids are calm, whereas others are more dramatic. A good tantrum releases pent-up energy, frustration, anger and other emotions. It's natural. If you teach kids to "bottle up" their emotions, it creates adults who can't express their feelings!

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If you've tried the strategies listed in this article but you're still experiencing frequent tantrums, it may be time to seek professional help in understanding your child and knowing how to work with them. Children with developmental or other difficulties may require the skills and expertise of a specialist. Explain to the professional what you and your child are experiencing. Take an article like this with you and show the professional what tactics you've been trying and tell how they've worked. The professional may have other suggestions or may recommend further evaluation.

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