How to Improve Parenting Skills

Co-authored by Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.

Last Updated: August 11, 2021 References

Your role as a parent is one of the most important jobs you will ever have. You are responsible for taking care of your children and making sure they have the tools they need to grow into successful and well-adjusted adults. Even the best parents have room for improvement. You can improve your parenting skills by having more positive interactions with your child, avoiding negative behaviors, and supporting yourself.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Increasing Positive Interactions

1
Spend quality time with each child. The foundation of good parenting lies in the relationship you have with your kids. If you never sit down and have one-on-one time with your children, you’ll find it challenging to relate to them, and vice versa. Devote at least one hour of quality time per week with each child.^{[1]
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- Look for fun opportunities to spend time with your child, like going on a hike, visiting your local park, and more.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
- This time should be spent with positive interactions, such as cheering your child on as they build a fort or talking to them about their school week. Avoid using this time to correct or teach. Simply enjoy being together.
- During your quality time together, make sure not to criticize your child. If you need to correct them, do so in a way that shows them that the behavior is the issue, not them.
- Listen to your child and validate them.
2
Set clear, empathetic limits. No matter how hard they may push against it, children thrive with structure. You can practice good parenting by setting limits with your child from a very young age. Limit-setting isn’t the same as punishment. In fact, you will use empathy to establish appropriate limits while still showing your child that you’re on their side.^{[3]
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- For example, you might set the limit that your child cannot play with his ball in the front yard. You might say, “I know you like playing with your ball in the front yard, but you get caught up in playing and run out into the street. It’s safer if you play in the gate out back.”
- With this method, you are explaining the limit while still showing that you understand why your child wants to play with the ball in the front. By showing empathy for their feelings, they are much more likely to follow your directive.
3
Ask them questions, and listen to the answers. Starting out communicating with your children while they are young sets a positive tone for adolescence. A great rule-of-thumb is to ask three “you” questions each day. This teaches your child conversation skills while also helping you learn more about them and their experiences.^{[4]
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- Show them that you value their opinion and involve them in decision making whenever possible.
- You might ask, “What would you like to do for fun this weekend?” “What did you learn in school today?” or “What are you going to wear for picture day?”
- You can also ask curious, non-judgmental questions about the decisions your child makes.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
- Once you ask the questions, actively listen to their answers. Look for openings to take the conversation further and to keep them talking. For instance, you daughter says, “I don’t know what I want to wear for picture day” with a moan. You might say, “You don’t sound excited. I thought you usually enjoyed picture day.”
4
Practice what you preach. Many parents go by the “do as I say, not as I do” principle. Such an attitude may lead to a confused child. Plus, your child may still end up following in your footsteps. Send the message that the limits you set are important by upholding them yourself.^{[6]
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Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists

Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.}
- This includes all habits, from not bullying to not abusing drugs or alcohol. Instead set a positive example with healthy behaviors that you child will pick up from you.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Decreasing Unhelpful Habits

1
Soften intense reactions. Children and adolescents are notorious for pushing buttons. Often, they do this to get a rise out of their parents. However, when you respond with anger, you teach inappropriate emotional regulation. Take a moment to collect yourself. Then, respond in a soft, empathetic way.^{[7]
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Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists

Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.}^{[8]
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Expert Source

Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
Parent Educator & Coach

Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
- Anger and aggression do not lead to good behavior and often cause more harm than good. Maintaining your cool will show them that you are serious and in control.
- For example, your son asks can he play the video game for the tenth time. Instead of exploding with “No, stop asking!” say “Tom, I know you like to play the video game, but the answer is still no. Your privileges were taken away for a reason.”
- Instead of telling an upset child to calm down, offer to give them a hug or let them have some space.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
  Parent Educator & Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 27 July 2021.}
2
Avoid over-functioning for the kids. Children and adolescents need some level of autonomy to learn new skills and increase self-efficacy. They can’t do that if you’re always doing everything for them. As a parent, it can be hard to give your child some space. But let them do the tasks they are capable of doing for themselves so that they can learn.^{[10]
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- Once you see that your toddler has tooth brushing down, let them do it for themselves. Resist the urge to take over when you’re feeling rushed.
3
Skip the nagging and praise positive behaviors instead. Reinforcement works for both negative and positive behaviors--whatever you give attention to increases. Instead of nagging your child about inappropriate behaviors, stop giving attention to them. On the other hand, when your child does something desirable, offer praise or encouragement.^{[11]
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- For instance, your child helps their younger sibling clear away their toys. You might say, “Wow, Henry! Thanks so much for being a good helper!”
4
Learn how to handle parenting conflicts. Bad-mouthing your spouse’s approach in front of the kids can give your kids an open door for playing you against one another. Respect your spouse or co-parent’s differences. Discuss disagreements away from little eyes and ears.^{[12]
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- Try to compromise based on who feels more strongly about what. If you are passionate about your children eating a plant-based diet, stick to your guns. However, if you don’t have a strong opinion about your children’s religion, then don’t fight your spouse about it, if they do.
- If you both feel strongly about a subject, brainstorm ways you can meet in the middle.^{[13]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping Yourself Be a Better Parent

1
Build a strong support system. It really does take a village to raise a child. You might count on a variety of other adults to help you with your child—teachers, coaches, child care professionals, and parents. But, oftentimes parents don’t really activate the available resources. Leaning on social support can help you fight stress and become an even better parent.^{[14]
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- Don’t hesitate to ask for help or advice when you need it. You might ask your child’s teacher, “Things have been a little rocky at home since the divorce. Do you mind keeping an eye on Talia to see if she’s adjusting okay?”
- Social support also means spending time with other adults on occasion. Schedule in time to hang out with friends, host a family dinner, or plan a romantic date night with your partner.
Sometimes, the best way to improve your parenting is to admit that you need help. Accept offers of help when friends and family ask to babysit. Hire that cleaner so that you can spend more of your evenings enjoying family time. Or, share the load with your co-parent so that you can have some time off every now and then.^{[15]
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3
Practice self-care. If you’re coping with chronic stress or other problems, it becomes even harder for you to be the doting parent your child deserves. In order to pour from your cup, there must be something in it to begin with. Fill your cup regularly by engaging in relaxing and nurturing self-care activities.^{[16]
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- You might get up early to have a cup of coffee or tea and watch the sun rise. You might sign up for an evening yoga or strength-training class. Or, you might steal an hour after the kids go to bed to watch a funny TV show.
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Expert Q&A

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Question

What is good parenting?

Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists
Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

Wits End Parenting

Parenting Specialists

Expert Answer

Every child is different and every parent is a unique individual. It's important to recognize that good parenting can look different from family to family. As a general rule of thumb, teach your child, show empathy, model good behavior, and show them how to learn from mistakes. Avoid taking punitive measures and use positive discipline to guide your child towards making good choices.

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Question

How do I deal with an incorrigible child?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try to find out the child's interests are and then focus on those as opportunities for corrective behavior and learning. Basically, use positive reinforcement to encourage the behavior that you would want to see more of. Also, consider that the child may be acting out or misbehaving due to unmet personal needs.

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