Sharing a Netflix movie doesn’t have to be the highlight of your romantic evenings together. Here’s a way to keep the fires of intimacy burning ever brighter as your relationship matures…
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Remember that feeling when you meet someone special for the first time? You can feel the rush of adrenaline going through your veins and the giddy high of new love. Assuming the other person feels the same way, it is not long before you are ripping each other’s clothes off to experience mind-blowing intimate bliss amidst wonderings of “Is this the one?” And it continues like this, at least for a while. That is until the fires of unbridled passion slowly fade to the point that evenings together watching Netflix become the highlight (and ultimate demise) of your relationship.
Sound familiar? Well, first of all it’s not Netfix’s fault – no matter how addictive some of their shows can be. This progression from wild lust to “Let’s see what’s on tonight…” has everything to do with powerful and ancient forces lurking in each and every one of us. The good news is that this predictable relationship arch is not inevitable. All it takes to keep those ardent fires burning brightly is understanding what those forces are and how to re-purpose them. So, my friend, please read on because there is hope.
Fundamental Operating Principle for Romantic Relationships
I discovered this intimacy principle as a result of the tragedy that turned into the biggest blessing for my intimate life. Thanks to this traumatic experience, I received deep insight as to what really drives intimate relationships. While simply stated, its implications are very powerful:
The way men and women are biologically and culturally “wired” gets in the way of what their hearts truly yearn for, deep abiding emotional, physical and even spiritual connection.
In essence, this biological and cultural wiring is all designed for the propagation of the human species. No matter how sophisticated, educated or refined you may be, this wiring is at work in every romantic relationship. Because it is so ingrained (in our very DNA in fact) it impacts our behaviors and attitudes largely at the subconscious level. And if left unchecked, it will almost always result in the end of the relationship, or at best, an unacceptable settling in exchange for comfortable, if not passionate, companionship. The reason? It is a battle between what we are inherently programmed for (low-level need on Maslow’s hierarchy) and our evolved needs for deeply meaningful connection (a higher level need). Men and women simply express these needs in different ways, especially as the relationship matures.
Now before we explore how to short-circuit this wiring in a way that fans the flames of true intimacy, I want to share how I came to this insight.
Losing One’s Sight to Finally See Clearly
Two and a half years ago I was struck fully impotent and lost my ability to ejaculate as a result of treatments for prostate cancer. For many men, this is a fate worse than death –which is how I felt about it when it first happened. What made it worse was the fact I had just ended a 26-year marriage where the last eleven years we were effectively roommates. To say I saw the cruel irony in all this is putting it mildly.
Six months later I met my current life partner. She is an utterly amazing woman who was very willing to explore other forms of intimacy despite never previously having been with a man who had permanent erectile dysfunction (ED). It was in this exploration of what was possible that the “gift” of my ED shown itself fully.
We’ve all heard of people being suddenly struck blind who then acquire exquisite sensitivity in their other senses of touch, hearing, smell, etc. Something similar happened to me. As a result of losing my ability to be erect and ejaculate, I was able to “see”, for the first time, how our deeply imprinted relationship wiring was getting in the way of true intimacy. My ED effectively short-circuited that wiring in a manner that eliminated the over powering urge that comes with a fully erect penis. Without this distraction, I was finally able to be fully present for my partner and match her sexual response profile (which for most women is very different than mens’). The result is our intimate life has become stronger and more fulfilling over time. We now spend an average of two to four hours every time we make love. Her sexual response to my slowing down and being present is beyond what some very sexually active people consider humanly possible (their quote, not mine).
So – does this mean guys have to lose their penile function to see these kinds of results and avoid the relationship “death by Netflix” outcome? Hardly. As a man, there are some easy steps you can take to circumvent this deeply embedded wiring. And in doing so ensure a relationship that only gets better, more satisfying and exciting (in all ways) over time and take your woman to sensual heights she never dreamed possible.
Four Steps to Prepare for Extraordinary Intimacy
Here are the fundamental conditions I have discovered that seem to be necessary to facilitate consistently high levels of intimacy (emotional as well as physical):
- Emotional Intimacy Before Getting Physical – without a deep sense of emotional intimacy as the very foundation of your relationship, the sex will simply start to fade no matter how great it starts out.
- Remove Performance from the Bedroom – the idea of sexual performance is a very powerful, and frankly damaging, cultural imprint. Replace performance with “presence” where each of you are fully present in both giving and receiving without goals or agendas. Do this and watch your sex life soar to heights you would never have considered possible.
- Ladies First – as old fashioned as it may sound, there is solid reasoning behind this adage. Women often take far longer to “warm up” during physical intimacy than men. This is especially true as women age beyond the childbearing years. Make a practice of focusing on giving to her before thinking of receiving, and you will unleash the tigress in her.
- Schedule Your Intimate Sessions – the kind of physical intimacy in store for you may last two or more hours*. This will unlikely be initiated with the typical “come hither” look that starts many a quickie. Instead, it requires planning – you need to set a date and time where you can both experience the full depth of sexual and sensual expression without interruption or distractions.
Think of these as the ground rules for achieving extraordinary intimacy with your partner that grows stronger over time. In next week’s post, I will go over in detail what my partner and I do each time we make love that results in an experience that most couples would kill for.
Here’s the thing – if a fully impotent 62-year-old cancer patient and his post-menopausal partner can consistently have this kind of steamy, sensual experience, you most certainly can as well – in fact, likely much more. And in this scenario, Netflix can become part of your shared post-coital afterglow rather than the evening’s main attraction.
*At this point don’t worry about how you could possibly make love for two or more hours or what you would do –just be open to this possibility as I cover ways to experience this kind of lovemaking (with energy to spare when you are done) in next week’s post.
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image: DepositPhotos.com
I gotta tell ya, one of the things I miss about being in my last relationship is the Netflix nights. Relationships have to work in the everyday for me if they are to last. Life is not a constant party. There is work to get done and rest to take afterwards. That’s where the money comes from. What I truly want most in a relationship is to be able to come home and relax with her as I do would on my own. If we can do that she’s a keeper in my books or at least she earns major… Read more »
Charlie –well said 🙂
I have found the problems begin when “just being comfortable” starts to take precedence in a relationship. While not always, it can often lead to a stale state of affairs. I personally feel it can be good to have some adventure (even if it’s planned) to keep things interesting –otherwise those fires can die out.
Okay, why does “romance” have to have anything to do with sex? My wife and I have romanced each other for almost 40 years and I can tell you that many times the romance did not end up with sex. And BTW, I’m not into “sex” … we make love, we have always made love = giving your all to the other person and sometimes making love doesn’t include any sexual activity.
Totally agree Tom and I want to acknowledge you and your wife for keeping your romance alive and well over all those years. My focus is intimacy which I equate with “connection” and it can happen on the emotional, physical and even spiritual level. The point I wanted to make with this article is that this kind of connection tends to diminish over time if we are not vigilant. You might want to check out a recent article I wrote that covers how the very notion of intimacy changes as couples mature together, especially from a woman’s perspective (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/wifely-duty-and-why-so-many-married-women-eventually-prefer-no-sex-mjr/ )… Read more »