America is out of ideas. Most recent culinary innovations are, more often than not, two or more items hastily blended together into a muddled whole far lesser than the sum of its parts. (See: The McGriddle, Waffle Taco, Cronut.)
Enter the Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizza.
Why?
Why did they do this?
Why did they think people would actually enjoy this heaping pile of absurdity?
And why did we order two of them to the Esquire office this afternoon?
The following is a transcript from Esquire.com's internal messaging system. It has been edited for clarity, vulgarity, and GIFs. Scroll to the bottom of this page for comprehensive staff reviews.
12:36 P.M.
John Hendrickson: Hey, we should order one of these to the office
Ryan Bort: did they even bake the fritos? it looks like they just dumped a bag of fritos on there
Eric Vilas-Boas: i'm down to get weird
12:46 P.M.
Ryan: i think the fact that fritos are basically just salt-flavored helps this. just pizza with a crunch on top
John: is there any culinary precedent for putting something starchy/crunchy on top of pizza?
Ryan: they should just pour pepsi on there too
Ryan: do we have any surge left?
Editor's note: We received free samples of Surge in the office two weeks ago
John: somebody actually drank the surge?
Eric: i tried a few sips of the surge around 4pm one day and didn't sleep for a week. Friday was interesting
1:14 P.M.
Eric and John make three failed attempts to find somebody willing to let them use their corporate credit card to order a Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizza
1:25 P.M.
Eric decides to use cash
1:28 P.M.
John: eric is on the phone with papa john's and he just asked if they have "the papa johns fritos chili pizza"
1:29 P.M.
We discover that the Esquire office is outside of the delivery zone for this particular Papa John's location
1:34 P.M.
Eric calls Papa John's no. 2
1:35 P.M.
SUCCESS! ETA 45 minutes
1:44 P.M.
Paul Schrodt: am i the only one here who thinks the frito pizza looks kinda delicious?
Eric: the guy seemed pretty excited to deliver them to us when i was on the phone, but that also might have been my excitement bleeding through
John: it looks kinda dinky here:
http://media.bizj.us/view/img/4181621/papa-johnsfritos-chili*400xx2400-2400-0-0.jpg
Elizabeth Griffin: how many calories are in this thing? do you guys ever ask yourselves that question?
1:50 P.M.
Paul: when is the pizza coming?
2:11 P.M.
Pizza arrives in the lobby
2:14 P.M.
Eric enters the Esquire office, triumphantly, carrying two Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizzas
2:15 P.M.
Ross McCammon, Senior Editor: What's all the hubub around here?
2:15 P.M. - 2:28 P.M.
We gather in the conference room, where two pizza boxes are sprawled open on the long table, paper plates and napkins scattered about without care. A putrid steam oozes toward the gray light fixtures, free from its soggy cardboard prison. We are not polite. We eagerly each take our first slice. Faces start to change after the second and third bites. We quickly realize that the Fritos are stale. The crust tastes like construction paper. There is no marianara sauce, and whatever chili paste is in its place is chunky and bland. Damp red peppers weigh down the triangular cheesy mass. Esquire boss David Granger reluctantly takes a bite of one slice before leaving the room in disgust. Food editor Joe Keohane remarks on how salty it is, and how it all blends together into one tasteless heap, not unlike what you would find on an airplane.
Eric Vilas-Boas, taking his first bite of a slice
2:30 P.M
More than a few of us remark on feeling ill
2:31 P.M.
Three of us go back for a second slice
2:33 P.M.
Ben Collins (who is home sick today): just received the best spam of my lifetime
Dear Sir/Ma,
I will like to Order for Frozen Full Chicken. Let me know the price per chicken and get back to me with the estimate total cost for 40 chciken because i need this for the end of the year party that we want to do on the 5th of November which is already near by.
Regards
Palmer
Ryan: we should give them papa john's number
Ryan: maybe i'm crazy but i honestly think like i feel ill from eating that slice
Ryan: my stomach does not feel good
2:34 P.M.
John, already feeling sick, emails the entire staff asking for official pizza reviews