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Remember all of the Suffering

Summary:

Castiel's grace is fading too fast. He and Sam are searching for Dean, desperate to save his demonized soul. But as he becomes more human, he begins to lose his control on his own mind. Hallucinations show him his fears of what Dean has become. Dreams show him what could have been. And, in the end, reality will show him how little influence what he feels can really have.

Notes:

On Tumblr, I asked my followers to pick a page number. From that number, I would pick what was upon it in my new purchase - the book "The Element Encyclopedia of Ghosts & Hauntings". From that thing, I would write a small Supernatural fic.

This first one is from an anon. They suggested page number 78 and the thing I chose from that page was "cerebral anoxia". Basically the oxygen deficiency that causes paranormal hallucinations. And... this Destiel thing happened. Hope you all enjoy! There will be two more to come after this.

Chapter 1: chains of never-ending agony

Chapter Text

Dean was a demon. Castiel had known almost from the instant that it happened. He would have known if the man was dead. The bond between them was too strong. But something had definitely been off about the way this man's presence in the universe felt. The first chance he had, Castiel went to search for what that really meant.

On one hand, he was glad Metratron has been wrong. He was glad that Dean had come out alive in some form. But a demon…. Everything Castiel naturally knew said now…now he was supposed to hate Dean Winchester. He was something that an angel was forbidden from caring about in any sense of the word. His feelings for this man, however, were not that easy to turn off.

Telling Sam had been the hardest thing he'd had to do. Sam had been searching high and low for whoever had taken the body of his brother. It was an insult higher than anything he had experienced. And the fact that it had happened while he was in another room made it all the worse. When Castiel caught up with him, Sam was torturing a captured demon. He was absolutely sure that the demons had taken his brother's corpse for pure enjoyment. And the demon just kept laughing. Once Castiel explained what had truly happened to his brother, everything became crystal clear as to why.

Since then, it had been their number one goal to find Dean. Per Sam's request, of course. Castiel wasn't sure he even wanted to find Dean – but he did it for Sam. He felt he owed him, allowing Metratron to get the best of them. Allowing Dean to have died in the first place. If they found him, though, he knew what he would see. He knew that they would find only a shell of the man they once knew. A shell without life or soul or anything that could make someone human. He wouldn't be Dean any longer.

Day-by-day, Castiel's grace was fading further. Frequent trips between Heaven and Earth drained him faster than he thought possible. There were days where he would be absolutely useless, lying on a shitty motel bed and just drifting in and out of consciousness. It was almost like being human again. Just in those moments, though. Normally, he felt like an angel. Like he should. The grace would work and it would work well. He was powerful. But those times of exhaustion, they were the worst he had ever felt. And that was what made it so bad – that he was forced to go between high and low with absolutely no control.

The weak moments were becoming more and more frequent every day. Castiel was fairly sure that when he was on Earth with Sam, he was next to useless. Drifting in and out of sleep, constantly feeling the need to fill himself with whatever food he could get his hands on, hardly able to retain focus.

And, still, he wasn't searching for a way to fix it. He wasn't really sure why, but he felt he wasn't worth it this time. He had already stolen another's grace. Why should he be allowed to take grace from however many angels it took to keep him whole forever? In a way, he deserved to be down here, human as those around him. He deserved the punishment.

"Look at you, Cas…. You're pathetic…."

The voice jarred Castiel into consciousness. He looked around himself, seeing nothing but tall grass and the occasional tree. Behind him, he could feel the solidarity of one of those trunks. It took him a moment, but he remembered where he was. They had tracked demonic omens to this farm. Sam went inside to question the family about their dying livestock, seeing Castiel looking weary and telling him to stay outside. To examine the area. He obviously hadn't made it very far….

Castiel took in a long breath, squinting his eyes for a sign of where the voice had come from. He struggled to his feet, desperate for a glimpse of the man with the acid-green eyes and hair that toed the line between light brown and dark blonde. He would know that voice anywhere. "D-Dean?" he whispered, gripping the bark of the tree – the bite of its splinters in his hand keeping him grounded to reality.

Before his eyes, the figure he had expected (and possibly dreaded) to see manifested. Black smoke swirled quickly into the form of a man so familiar to him by now. At the sight, Castiel caught his breath and held it, unwilling to blink. He was Dean…but he also wasn't. Not quite, anyway. His eyes were dark as a cloudy night and beneath that shone through his new form. He flinched back at the sight, closing his eyes to seal himself off from the weight of that demonic gaze. The twisted part of his soul that truly made him a demon was absolutely jarring. He was still young and not quite as evil as other demons, but he was on his way. The Mark of Cain was working fast.

"What's the matter, Cas? Don't you think I'm handsome still?" Castiel flattened himself up against the tree, fear and reality almost too much at this point. The demonized version of his friend followed him, giving an amused and warped grin. He only stopped when he was a mere inch away, breathing his repulsive scent straight into Castiel's nose. "I think I'm downright gorgeous. Black works well on me, doesn't it?"

Gaining an ounce of courage, Castiel opened his eyes and squared his jaw. He looked the man in front of him up and down again before meeting Dean's eyes. Dean blinked and they again gained their normal color. If the angel could ignore the ugly face of the demon inside of him, he could still seem the same. "Sam has been searching for you, Dean."

"Oh, I know what little Sammy has been up to," Dean interjected, rolling his shoulders in a careless shrug. "Searching the country end to end for any singular whisper of my name. My personal favorite was his begging at the crossroads. His insistence that I would be there because I just must be Crowley's bitch now. Huh?" He stretched his neck from side to side, sucking his teeth like the memory left a bad taste in his mouth. "You think Crowley would really force his best asset to be a salesman? Pathetic."

"He wants to help. Together, we could all find a cure for this, I'm sure. We could reverse what the Mark has caused you to become. We could rid you of this…disease."

The laugh Dean gave was otherworldly – it was the sound of something truly evil. A chill ran down Castiel's spine, causing him to cringe back into the tree. "And who says I want that?" the demon spat, shifting his footing in the mud to slip one foot between Castiel's. His breath was in Castiel's ear a moment later, his harsh whisper churning the angel's stomach. "Who says I need curing? I feel alive, Cas. I feel powerful…." He snorted, pulling back to just barely meet the other's gaze. "You just want your little slice of humanity back, don't you?" In a move that could only be described as snake-like, Dean wetted his lips with his tongue before just barely darting it against Castiel's cheek. "You just want your Righteous Man by your side again…looking after you like a fucking pet."

The pit inside of Castiel's stomach sang along to Dean's tune. That was exactly what he wanted. Dean was the reason he had rebelled against Heaven. He was the one to make Castiel realize that there was more than just taking orders. He was practically Castiel's everything. His mutiny against Naomi had showed them all just that. "Dean…."

With a sharp crack, Dean pushed Castiel roughly back against the tree. His fingers curled tightly around the angel's shoulders, working slowly back to the dark wings that were now visible to him. He grasped a handful of feathers, watching Castiel nearly melt at the touch. Dean was his weakness and the demon knew that. Knew how to torture the angel with that. "I know you better now," Dean hissed, stroking a particularly sensitive part of the left wing with the pad of his thumb. It would almost be gentle or sweet if not accompanied by that lascivious look. "I can see you...and you look pious. But you also look broken. Is that my fault, Cas? Have I broken something in you?"

"My grace-"

The lips, so familiar from long periods of time spent memorizing them, quickly caught his own in a fierce kiss. It rivaled nothing Castiel had felt thus far in his limited sexual experience. The kiss was hot and rough, tinged the mingling remnants of sulfur and Castiel's dwindling grace. Instinctively, he moaned. This was nothing like he had imagined in those nights where he would do nothing but watch Dean sleep. It was needy and dark and absolutely forbidden. And yet... Castiel never wanted it to stop.

The sheer ecstasy his vessel experienced masked the pain of what happened next. It dulled the bite of the archangel's blade being plunged into his stomach. Made him oblivious to the blood and the feeling like he was going to explode. But once Dean pulled back, this all fell on him like an incredible weight. He gasped loud in surprise at first, then shuddered out a dying breath that took on the form of the only human he had ever loved's name.

"D-Dean..."

Everything went dark. Castiel could feel himself slipping from the world. He wanted to scream and shout and protest what had happened. But he couldn't find his voice.

"Cas!" Dean shouted - almost like he was surprised.

Why was he surprised? He had done this!

"Castiel! Hey!" Something smacked harshly into Castiel's chest. He sputtered a went cough that he assumed was filled with blood. "Cas, come on - don't do this!"

The second blow to his chest did it. It woke Castiel from his haze and opened his eyes. He pulled in a deep breath, feeling like he could finally breathe. "Dean!" Glassy blue eyes wide with fear, he pushed himself up the trunk of the tree to stand. He looked quickly around him at the tall grass, searching for Dean. His hand was instinctively upon his stomach, but he was stunned to see no blood when he looked down for a moment to examine himself.

"Dean? He was here?!" Sam's voice held hope and intrigue. He, too, scanned the area but came up short.

"He was here!" Castiel shouted, his deep timbre loud enough to rain leaves from the tree down upon them. "He was..." He looked down at the mud, scanning the footprints for proof. They should have been right there next to his own. But he could only find one set - his own. "He was... And he..."

Sam's eyes followed the hurt path to the ground. He sighed heavily, tugging upon his tie to loosen it. "Cas...you weren't breathing..."

Castiel gripped at his hair, feeling the need to rip it clean out. "That's because be killed me, Sam. He stabbed me!"

Every last ounce of patience Sam had went into being gentle with the angel. He sighed softly, his hand gently coming to rest just on the edge of Castiel's shoulder. "Cas? Dean wasn't here. Okay? You're alive. He didn't stab you. Not a scratch on you, right?" They both looked down at the angel's stomach to confirm this. "You were hallucinating..."

"What?" Castiel wanted Sam to be wrong. He actually wanted the demon to be hiding in the grass, snickering at their confusion. It had been so real!

"It's called cerebral anoxia," Sam said gently. He stepped in front of the other so he could see nothing else. There was that soft, kind look that only he could have plastered on his face. A look of reasoning. "Not enough oxygen to your brain that can...cause hallucinations..."

Dean couldn't have possibly just been a hallucination. He was too real. That kiss was too real. However, he really had no choice but to believe it. Slowly, he allowed himself to calm down. His hands dropped back down to his sides and he forced himself to breathe. He was becoming human again. That was something he needed to do now. It made sense...

"Cas... I don't think you should come with me anymore..."

He couldn't. Castiel knew Sam was right, as much as that hurt. As much as it felt like a betrayal for Sam to locate Dean without him. If he was hallucinating things, he wasn't of any use. He could end up endangering them. "Yes, I am aware," he whispered.

Invisible to Sam's eyes, Castiel's wings ruffled in the air around them. The phantom touch of Dean's fingers to his sensitive feathers still lingered. If they ever found Dean before he lost his grace completely, he knew he would practically beg him for that touch. If it was the last thing he did before falling back into humanity.

"I should like to sleep now," Castiel mumbled weakly. The hallucination had absolutely drained him once again. And a part of him longed to dream. He wanted to beg for Dean to pull his feathers and crush his spine. To kiss him with that tongue of sulfur and hiss his name. He wanted to be able to pretend that finding Dean could be something desirable even just for a moment. Just once more before reality crushed him with the truth.