We are gathered here today to talk about a group of people we all know, see, and stare at. I'm of course talking about guys with long-ass ponytails.
1. Guys with ponytails are some of the most misunderstood members of our planetary population.
Dear balding guy with a ponytail, you just took mullet to a whole new level. #peaceluv&ponytails
2. On a societal scale, you'll find them somewhere between white guys with dreads and neck beards.
What can you say about a guy with a ponytail that his ponytail already isn't saying about him
3. Guys with ponytails have some defining characteristics. For example, most own exotic birds...
I met a guy with a ponytail who doesn't own any exotic birds and now my whole understanding of the world has just gone to shit.
4. ...some type of large spider...
It's Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
5. ...ferret...
Surely, there must be some research available showing the correlation between being a skinny dude with a ponytail and owning a ferret.
6. ...or a pet iguana.
A guy with a ponytail is a national sign for "I have a pet iguana."
7. Their most common places of employment is the stereo department at Best Buy...
I just want to be a bisexual guy with a ponytail who works at Best Buy and knows everything about home stereos
8. ...in a wedding band...
"Come sit next to some strangers and listen to Black Eyed Peas hits sung by a guy with a ponytail. Then cut us a check for $125." - weddings
9. ...or on an organic farm.
If you're a white dude with a ponytail and you're not in a metal band or work on an organic farm what the hell are you doing?
10. You'll probably also find them doing a bit of karate in front of a mirror.
Nothing says "I practice karate in the mirror" like a guy with a ponytail and Zumba pants.
11. Most know magic...
Every dude with a ponytail knows at least one really killer magic trick.
12. ...have a lot to say...
No one's got more opinions than a guy with a ponytail.
13. ...wear "ironic" shirts...
Guy with a ponytail and a huge smile gives me a nod as he walks past. The back of his shirt: "Seitan Worshipper." #LA
14. ...and sometimes, though rarely, they even wear suits.
Whenever I see a guy with a ponytail wearing a suit, I think, "This must be what it's like to see a jackalope."
15. But beware, not everyone is "pro-pony." Not everything about them is positive.
If you're a guy with a ponytail, just know that every one of your male friends has thought about cutting it off you at some point.
16. They loiter near Starbucks milk stations...
Dear Fat Guy With a Ponytail at Starbucks Shoving Splendas in His Pocket, I love you. Best, Molly
17. ...and in rare cases, they hiss.
Some dude with a ponytail and a kilt just hissed at me #SXSW
18. It's actually well-documented how to make them cry.
The best ways to make a guy with a ponytail cry: 1) Pull his hair 2) Tell him The Beatles are overrated.
19. So just be careful around them, OK? If you respect them, they will respect you.
the bus just had to pull over because the guy with a ponytail and guitar actually just lit a joint
20. I digress. In the end, it all boils down to their cool.
This dude with a ponytail was single strappin it with his backpack before, can you say epitome of coolness?
21. They are some of the most inventive people in the world. This man wrapped his pony in a studded leather sleeve.
Leaving Walgreens, when I see this old guy with a ponytail, that has a leather case...
22. This man accessorized his pony with cat ears.
This is a dude with a ponytail and kitty ears. Austin is weird.
23. And this guy still uses a Sidekick. How about that?
Do they still make Sidekicks™ anymore? Because this guy with a ponytail has one and I feel like it’s maybe 2004.
24. I mean, the OG man with a ponytail was Jesus, after all!
I'm the only dude with a ponytail you should listen to. No exceptions.
25. So keep on shining bright, pony men.
My day is always better after seeing a guy with a ponytail.
26. You're an inspiration to us all.
I don't want to be a guy with a ponytail but I want to have the guy with a ponytail confidence.