How to Respect Older People

Co-authored by Tami Claytor

Last Updated: October 22, 2023 Approved

Sometimes it can be difficult to relate to the generations that have come before us. Growing up in different circumstances can make us feel as if we have nothing in common with them. But older people have plenty of wisdom and knowledge to share with younger generations, and treating them with respect should be second nature for all of us.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Interacting with Older People

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1
Call people sir or ma'am. Even if you’ve grown up in a more casual environment where you usually call your friends’ parents by their first names, you shouldn’t assume that all older people are comfortable with that kind of informal title. Some elderly people may be more traditional, and prefer that you call them Mr./Mrs. So-and-So.
- Always ask what name they prefer you call them. Use sir or ma'am when you don't feel comfortable asking.
- If they ask you to call them by name, then respect their request and do so! Continuing calling them by something else would be disrespectful.
2
Offer your help. People can often lose strength, balance, and agility as they age, which can make some everyday activities that we take for granted more difficult. Providing even the smallest assistance may help make their day a little easier, and demonstrate your respect in a courteous, thoughtful manner.
- It’s always polite to hold the door or elevator open for the people behind you, but it can be especially helpful for older people with canes or walkers.^{[1]
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  Tami Claytor
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  Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- When you’re on public transportation, such as the subway, train, or bus, consider offering your seat to an elderly person, who might need to rest more than you.
- If you’re at the store, offer to reach for items on shelves that might be too high or low for an older person to reach. You might also offer to carry an elderly person’s bags to the car or unload their cart into the trunk.
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3
Be patient. Older people usually don’t move as quickly as they used to when they were younger, which means it can take them longer to do even the simplest of tasks, such as crossing the street. Be respectful by showing some patience when you encounter them instead of trying to hurry them along.^{[2]
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Tami Claytor
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Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
- If an elderly person is slow to get off the bus, subway, or elevator, or just walking down the street, don’t push past them. Let them take their time, so they are comfortable and don’t injure themselves.
- Don’t huff and puff if an older person on line in front of you at a store takes a little longer to pay for their items. Instead, try to be understanding -- you might even offer to help by lifting items out of the cart or bagging groceries.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Tami Claytor
  Etiquette Coach
  
  Expert Interview. 29 September 2020.}
4
Don’t assume they have disabilities. While many elderly people do have health issues that require special assistance, some of them don't have these issues. Assuming that an older person has poor eyesight or hearing can be extremely condescending and make them feel self-conscious. If you’re unsure whether an older person has a vision or hearing issue, just ask.
- Don't be rude about it. Don't ask outright "Do you have hearing issues?" Instead, try a gentler approach, such as: "Am I speaking too softly?"

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Taking Special Care of Older Family and Friends

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1
Visit them. Older people can often feel isolated because they usually aren’t working any longer and it’s not always easy for them to go out. That’s especially true for elderly people who live in a nursing or retirement home. Take time out of your schedule to visit with the older people in your life as often as you can, so they know that they’re still important to you.
- If you’re very busy and can’t make it to see the older people in your life as often as you’d like, calling them can be a good alternative. You might even set up a time to call each week, so you have a schedule to stick to.
- You don't necessarily have to know anyone at the nursing home. Some nursing homes have volunteering opportunities where they allow people to visit the elderly.
2
Show interest in their lives. It’s easy to think that older people don’t have much going on because they don’t do many of the things that they used to when they were younger. However, many elderly people are still active, and lead full, busy lives, even if that just means playing bingo, waking in the park, and gardening.
- When you visit or call the older people in your life, make sure to ask about their favorite activities.
- If your grandparent, aunt, uncle, or other elderly loved one has a hobby that they particularly enjoy, you might even offer to do it with them. That’s a great way to show them just how interested you are in what’s important to them.
3
Don’t try to take control of their lives. While it’s true that your elderly loved ones may need help with some details of their lives, such as chores around the house or making sense of tax forms, they probably aren’t completely helpless.
- You can offer your assistance, but remember to respect them enough to let them make their own decisions as long as they’re able to.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Utilizing Their Experience

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Value their opinions. You shouldn’t be so quick to assume that older people are out of touch with what’s going on in the world. In fact, because of their experience, they might have a different perspective that helps you think about an issue or topic in a new way.
- Don't argue when you opinion differs from an older person’s. Instead, have a polite conversation where you’re both express your points of view.
- Maintain eye contact when they give your their opinion or advice. If it looks like you aren't listening or paying attention, they may think that you don't care.
2
Ask for advice. Because of their experience, older people can offer up a wealth of valuable insights, so it only makes sense to use them as a resource. Talk to the older people in your life to see if they’ve encountered a similar situation and can provide guidance. This can include things like:
- Having trouble in school, be it academics or bullying.
- Fighting with your significant other.
- Being unsure what to do with your career.
3
Learn about their traditions. Cultural customs, practices and stories are usually passed down generation to generation, so the older people in your family probably have insight into your ancestors that you can’t get anywhere else. Ask them to share what they know about your family’s traditions, so you can learn more about them -- and where you come from.
- Making an family tree can be a fun activity to do with an older relative. There are a variety of websites, such as Ancestry.com, that can make researching your family easier, so your elderly relatives don’t need to remember all the details.

Expert Q&A

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How can I be respectful to someone who's elderly?

Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach
Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach, Image Consultant, and the Owner of Always Appropriate Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, New York. With over 20 years of experience, Tami specializes in teaching etiquette classes to individuals, students, companies, and community organizations. Tami has spent decades studying cultures through her extensive travels across five continents and has created cultural diversity workshops to promote social justice and cross-cultural awareness. She holds a BA in Economics with a concentration in International Relations from Clark University. Tami studied at the Ophelia DeVore School of Charm and the Fashion Institute of Technology, where she earned her Image Consultant Certification.

Tami Claytor

Etiquette Coach

Expert Answer

Be patient with them. You sometimes see people in line behind an elderly person, and they're agitated and frustrated that they're taking too long, and that's not appropriate. Instead, open the door for that person, hold the elevator for them, or offer your hand and walk with them if you see them having trouble crossing the street.

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Tips

Even a small act of kindness, such as smiling at or saying good morning to someone you pass on the street, can mean a lot of an older person. Be on the lookout for opportunities to connect with the elderly people around you.

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Don’t talk down to older people because you assume they won’t be able to understand. If you have to explain something to them, such as new technology, use clear, simple language, but don't patronize them.

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Sometimes, a direct approach is the best way to show the older people in your life how you feel. Tell them that you respect and admire them, so they understand that they are valued.

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Warnings

Be compassionate if your attempts to engage an elderly person are met with gruffness, anger, or annoyance. They may use a gruff exterior as a coping mechanism after years of intolerance, pain, and frustration at society. Continue to be polite and understanding.

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