EMMA: “Of course, this Alt-World is real, Henry! What would make you think it is fake?” Henry: “Well, we are standing in front of a Green Screen . . .”
This week on Once, Emma gets “wished” into an alt-world, where her hair and makeup are better, but everything else about her is way worse. Also, Aladdin becomes everyone’s b*tch; the Evil Queen unleashes her inner reptile; and everyone who thought Belle’s kid was super creepy, and most likely The Worst, gets to say “I TOLD YOU SO!”
It’s the last Once recap of 2016, Fairytale Fans! Let’s do this!
Sword-of Good News
In a quest to determine the true owner of the Sword That Will “Kill” Emma Swan (but not destroy that sword, mind you, because the plot requires it to remain in play, at least until the end of the season), Emma, Regina and Hook have a run-in with the Evil Queen in front of Robin Hood’s grave, because “foreshadowing.” There, Evil Queen literally taunts Emma with “your mama” jokes. And this makes Emma so mad that she stabs the Evil Queen in the face with her own death sword. (Talk about Anger Management Issues!)
When it is plot convenient for them to be treated as such, Regina and Evil Queen are treated as the same person. This means that when Evil Queen gets stabbed in the face, Regina should also bleed. But when Emma stabs Evil Queen with her death sword, for some reason, Regina’s face is still as beautifully Botoxed and pore free as it was pre-Evil Queen Face Stabbing.
Based on this impromptu experiment, Emma determines that she CAN actually kill the Evil Queen, without killing Regina too! And this would be fabulous, and extremely relevant, news, if the Evil Queen wasn’t rendered a complete non-entity by the end of the episode . . .Oh well! Better luck next McGuffin!
Wish-Y Washy
When Emma tells the rest of her family that she’s going to use her own Death Sword to kill the Evil Queen, at night, out in the street, thereby basically mimicking the exact circumstances of the vision she had, in which she died at the end, her son Henry is the only one that thinks this is incredibly shitty idea. (Unless you happen to be watching a show geared toward eight-year olds, it’s generally a bad sign when the smartest character on the show isn’t even old enough to shave.)
Ignoring Henry’s rather logical and intellectually sound warnings, Emma heads off with Hook, Daddy Charming, and her Future Death Sword to tempt fate, recreate her death scene from her vision, and maybe, but probably not, succeed in killing the Evil Queen. While they are en route, Princess Jasmine screams out frantically for help from inside Granny’s diner. It turns out that the Evil Queen has her very loosely tied up in a chair. And when I say “loosely,” I mean to say that, those Chinese Handcuffs we all used to play with as kids are probably more difficult to get out of than the Evil Queen’s half-assed chair knot.
Nonetheless, Jasmine dutifully stays put like the good, not too bright, hostage that she is. And so, the Evil Queen promptly steals the genie lamp from Jasmine, summons New Genie Aladdin from it, and makes her first wish: that Emma Swan’s erstwhile wish never to become the Savior be granted. So thoughtful, that Evil Queen! Someone get this lady a Humanitarian Award!
Since, Emma Swan originally became the Savior, upon being shipped off to modern times from fairytale land, no-longer-the-Savior-Emma is instead portaled to an Alt World, in which she instead actually grew up in fairytale land with her super rich parents, a la Ivanka Trump.
In order to rescue Emma from Alt-World, Regina conveniently uses the “Evil Queen and I are technically the same person” card (which appears to be working again, after the whole Death Sword glitch thing), so that she can be whisked to the exact same World.
Princess Emma: The New Disney Heroine that Feminism Forgot
To say Alt-World is weird, and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense as a viable alternate timeline, is a complete understatement. For one thing, Emma’s parents, the Charmings, are super old. (This part actually, does make sense, because while time stopped in Storybrooke during Emma’s first 28-years of life, in Alt-World, time continued normally, thus rendering Charming and Snow at least 28-years older than they currently are in Storybrooke).
What doesn’t make sense, is how nobody else in Alt World aged one iota. I let this slide, when it came to the dwarves, because, perhaps, dwarves don’t age like humans do. However, this fact particularly disturbed me, when it came to Granny, who, had she aged in real time, would have been roughly 110 in Alt World. And yet, there she was, looking not a day over 85! (Then again, maybe Granny is actually a dwarf, and nobody told me. Is that true? Did I miss a plot point somewhere?)
Also in Alt World, Princess Emma somehow still met, boned, and ultimately married Baelfire / Neal (who was a knight in Alt World?), resulting in her giving birth to erstwhile fairytale author Henry.
And what I’m still trying to wrap my head around is how all that could have happened, seeing as Neal had left fairytale land, and was actually in Neverland around the time “the original curse occurred.” If there is someone out there with a way better understanding of the timeline logistics of this show, who could explain to me how this could be possible, by all means, chime in.
When Regina shows up in Alt World, everyone is super frightened, because they assume that she’s the Evil Queen, (who, in this timeline, Charming and Snow White defeated and banished from the kingdom pre-first curse), who is now back to enact her revenge, and rightfully so! Alt-World Emma is concerned too, but she’s too busy singing showtunes, and picking flowers in the forest, to really give the whole thing much thought or concern. This is because, apparently, had Charming and Snow White actually had the opportunity to raise Emma from birth, they would have turned her into a pampered prissy simpleton, incapable of defending herself. Sorry Baby Neal! This is most likely going to be you in 28-years!
It looks like Regina has her work cut out for her, if she wants Emma to remember who the heck she is, and get the two of them back to Storybrooke in one piece. Did I mention, the episode is only half over at this point?
A Charming Failure
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, the B team is proving themselves to be even more useless than Regina in their attempts to rescue Emma from Alt World. First Charming tries to take the genie lamp from the Evil Queen, so he can wish Emma back home. But instead, he just wishes that the Evil Queen will “get what she deserves.” It’sa super vague, and dangerously objective wish, one that anyone who has ever read a fairytale, let alone starred in one, would know not to use under any circumstances whatsoever.
Not surprisingly, Charming’s wish accomplishes precisely nothing in either defeating the Evil Queen, nor in getting Emma back. So, Charming returns the Genie Lamp to Jasmine, since she’s most likely boning the guy inside it, after all. And when Jasmine offers to use her first wish (She does have three, I might add) to wake up the Sleeping Snow White, and break the curse that prevents the pair from being awake at the same time. Charming’s response is, “Meh, I don’t really need her anyway. You guys do what you gotta do.”
And so, Jasmine and Aladdin wish themselves to Agrabah, taking with them, the gang’s seemingly best chance at getting Emma back from Alt World and/or waking Snow from a potentially eternal slumber. GO TEAM!
Robin Hood-winked
Regina, for her part, is fairing slightly better in Alt-World, as she seeks a captive Rumpelstiltskin’s help in awakening the currently completely useless Emma’s memories of her life as the Bad Ass Savior. Rumpel gamely suggests that Regina do her best Evil Queen impersonation, in order to scare Emma into turning heroic again. He even offers Regina a bean that will open a portal to get her back to Storybrooke with Emma, in exchange for his freedom from captivity. Regina accepts this deal, because making deals with the Dark One always ends so well for everyone on this show!
Dressed in her Evil Queen finery, Regina puts on a Super Sassy Show at Henry’s knighthood ceremony, even going so far as to kidnap Charming and Snow White, because that should really piss off Princess Emma. Right?
Wrong! Prissy Emma responds to Regina’s Evil Queen’s taunts by . . . wimpily giving the Evil Queen the key to the city, in exchange for her parents’ lives. Yikes! Growing up with the elderly Charmings in Alt-World has made Princess Emma super soft. Regina is going to have to up the ante, if she wants Bad Ass Savior Emma back.
And so as the Evil Queen, Regina KILLS THE CHARMINGS by thoughtlessly crushing their hearts in her bare hands. (This version of them is old and fake anyway. Plus, they clearly did a crappy job raising their kid, and, therefore, don’t deserve to live.)
Does the death of Princess’ Emma’s parents snap her back into action? Nope, it just makes her sit on the floor and cry like a total b*tch. Knight Henry though, he’s ready to kill Regina / Evil Queen. And worse, he’s going to do it with the all-powerful Emma Death Sword, which somehow made it to the Alt World along with Emma.
Now, while Regina would gladly kill the Fake Charmings, she can’t bring herself to kill Fake Henry. So, instead she just stands there, and awaits her demise. And THIS . . . THIS is what finally causes Emma to snap out of her Wishy-Washy stupor and return to herself. She uses her magic to freeze Fake Henry just in the nick of time, and, in doing so, saves Regina’s life and the fake version of her son’s soul.
Then, Regina and Emma head to meet with Fake Rumpel, pick up the portal bean and prepare to go home. So, of course, just as the two are about to enter the portal, Regina comes upon Fake Robin Hood, who is alive in this fake timeline, and conveniently about to rob them. Not willing to pass up time with her sweetie, even a fake version of him, Regina lets the portal close, and with it, her and Emma’s only chance to get home and kill the Evil Queen.
No worries. The Evil Queen is about to disappear as a problem anyway, at least temporarily.
Blue Fairy, You Had One Job!
Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, Rumpel uses some magic hair to attempt to track down his newborn child. Understandably he is super disturbed to find out that the kid completely off the grid. Predictably, Rumple comes to Belle with this conundrum. Shortly thereafter, the two learn from a thoroughly beaten-up Blue Fairy, that Fairy Lame-Mother was able to care for Baby Gideon, for all of two minutes, before she lost him to the Ultimate Evil. Great job, Blue Fairy!
In worse news, Rumpel’s mom, the Black Fairy, was apparently the one who kidnapped Gideon. And this means either that she’s going to eat him, or he’s going to turn evil. Maybe she’s going to turn him evil, then eat him?
Anywhoo, a man in a black cape, who looks suspiciously like the guy who kills Emma in her vision, appears from a portal, and promptly turns the Evil Queen into a snake in a cage, because, why not?
He then removes his hood, revealing himself to Belle and Rumpel, as Gideon, their “son”, a.k.a. the same creepy guy who kept hitting on Belle in her dreams, and convincing her to give the baby version of him away to the useless Blue Fairy.
And this just goes to show you that you should never trust a guy with a bad Julius Caesar haircut, who haunts your dreams, and claims to be your son, but still hits on you like he’s your boyfriend / your stalker. Words to live by. Trust me, I know from experience!
This week on the Game of Thrones’ season finale, literally everybody and their mother dies. Selyse dies. Myranda dies. Myrcella dies. Meryn Trant dies. Jagen dies . . . but not really. Arya dies . . . but also not really. All these random army people die . . . really. Stannis dies . . . but offscreen, so we aren’t sure if it actually happened. Cersei’s pride dies, and her hair dies (though, I guess, technically, hair is already dead). Jon Snow dies . . . I think . . . maybe . . . but also maybe not.
In related news, the race to the Iron Throne just seemingly got a lot smaller. (My money is on Bran or Rickon winning the big prize, just to punish us all for never giving a shit about them.) Of course, all this death and destruction begs a very important question. If everyone in Westeros is dead except the person charged with leading it, does the Iron Throne become nothing more than just a poorly constructed chair that’s really bad for your back?
Seriously, no lower lumbar support on that thing whatsoever.
For the last time this season, let’s let the character bloodbath begin, shall we?
In which burning your kid is revealed to not be the lucky charm you originally envisioned . . .
Hey Stannis, the next time you want Lady Luck to be on your side, might I suggest buying one of those fake rabbit’s feet, rubbing the head of a troll doll, or pocketing a four leaf clover. Perhaps, pick up a penny that is face up on the street. Why? Because all these things are a heck of a lot easier to do than burning your child is messy. Let’s face it: burnt kids are messy. Also Lady Luck hates all child murderers . . .
Actually everybody hates child murderers, even, apparently, contract killers with no moral compass, a lesson that Stannis learns the morning after Shireen’s untimely, unnecessary and despicable death, when he is informed that half of his army of sellswords abandoned camp in the middle of the night. You know who else hates child killers? The child killers themselves, like Selyse Baratheon who apparently hung herself out of guilt over her daughter’s death.
Oh Stannis, when the woman who basically referred to her own child as an abomination ends up being the more loving parent, you know you are officially The Worst.
Though, in this particular case, maybe the Second Worst. Melissandre doesn’t seem to understand why people are so sensitive about the whole “Burning Shireen Because the Fire People Said So” thing. She thinks all these lovers of unburnt children are pansies should buck up.
“The snow is melting, and there is a war to lose miserably with your grossly outnumbered, no longer particularly loyal, army. Gosh darnitt! Get psyched,” Awful Meli explains, doing everything to act as cheerleader to Stannis’ pathetic army, but whip out a pair of pomp oms and start doing cartwheels on the bloody floor.
Casualties: 1
Brienne, you had ONE job . . . well, maybe two . . .
Over in Winterfell, Sansa finally gets the stones to go up to that broken castle on her own, and light the candle signaling for Brienne and Podrick to come rescue her from psycho rapist, ball chopper-offer, Reek-maker, Ramsey Bolton.
This would be awesome, except that no one is around to see it. You see, apparently Brienne got temporarily distracted by the shiny object that was Stannis’ pathetic and paltry army approaching Winterfell, and ran off seconds before the light appeared.
As for the Bolton / Baratheon war, it pretty much goes as you’d expect. The Boltons totally take a big stinking dump on the Baratheons, pretty much murder their entire army in about ten minutes, and manage to make it back home in time for breakfast.
I know they look like bushes, but these are actually all corpses . . .
“They make this way too easy.”
A couple of weeks ago, this would make a lot of people very sad. But now that Stannis is a child killer. Meh!
Brienne finds a wounded Stannis lounging by a tree surrounded by corpses, and calmly tells him, she’s going to kill him to avenge the death of his brother Renly, who was murdered by the creepy Stannis-looking Shadow Baby that grew out of Melissandre’s lady bits. Stannis stoicly accepts his fate like a man, which is odd considering he killed his kid like a cowardly bitch.
Feels awkward about seeing Shireen in Heaven, after the whole “burning thing,” then remembers he probably isn’t going there anyway . . .
We see Brienne swing her Oathkeeper sword hard, and we hear the sound effects that are typically used to indicate “sound of body being sliced open by sword, and innards spilling out like candy from a Pinata.” Unfortunately, the camera pans away right at the moment of impact, leaving Stannis’ actual fate frustratingly uncertain. (They didn’t even use the old “show the blood splatter on the tree” trick.)
“Revenge is sweet . . . and so is Loras’ ass.”
Since Game of Thrones has never been a show to skimp on showing the gory demise of it’s main characters, I’ll believe Stannis Baratheon is dead, when I see his decapitated head on a pike.
Too soon?
Until then . . .
Casualties: Approximately 563 nobodies / soon-to-be zombies. (Seriously, how did no one think to burn these corpses, before they could rise from the dead? Have they learned nothing from watching this show?)
Main Character Body Count: 1ish?
Turning a Blind Eye
You know whose death wasn’t at all left open to interpretation? Meryn Trant! That dude is as dead as a misbehaving actor on a Shondra Rhimes television series . . .
As many of us predicted, Arya got her opportunity to murder Trant, by capitalizing on his disgusting creepy pedo tendencies. We see he’s got three ridiculously young girls in his brothel chamber, all of whom he whips until they cry out. But one, whose face is covered with her long hair, does not cry. This frustrates Meryn so much that he sends the other girls away.
Clearly, this is Arya Stark . . . except when Meryn finally removes the girl’s hair from her face, it isn’t Arya at all. It’s the dying of cancer girl Arya murdered at Burgerless White Castle.
Wait. . . what?
Oh, just kidding, Arya was just borrowing that other girl’s face.
Meryn doesn’t actually remember killing Syrio, Arya’s friend and sword trainer, and the guy whose death earned him a spot on the youngest Stark girl’s Death List. But that matters little, seeing as he’s such a terrible human being. Arya reveals her true identity to him, before brutally plucking out his eyeballs (important later), choking him, and stabbing him until he bleeds to death like a stuck pig.
It looks like Becoming No One is going to have to wait until next season. Because this is Arya Friggin Stark, Regular Cast Member of Game of Thrones! And Meryn Trant? He’s Drew Barrymore’s character in the first Scream movie, basically . . .
Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya is returning Dying With Cancer Girl’s face to the Face Store, and feeling pretty damn good about herself, until Daddy Jagen comes to ground her for not delivering oyster-eating guy his poison perfume bottle, like she was supposed to do. (In Arya’s defense, she didn’t actually use the poison on Meryn Trant, so there is still plenty left to go around.)
“Creepy Pedo’s life was not yours to take,” scolds Jagen.
“Whose was it to take then?” Arya wonders. “Is there some kind of list? Because, maybe if the person who was supposed to kill Meryn Trant kills Oyster Eating guy, all will be right in the universe again.”
“Maybe, but I’m going to inexplicably drink poison now to teach you a lesson about not shirking on your duties at Burgerless White Castle,” says Jagen.
Arya cries hysterically at the loss of her “friend,” who made her sweep floors and wash dirty corpses all day, and occasionally kill random people for no compensation whatsoever. (I don’t know about you, but, where I come from, people like that are not called “friends,” they are called “slave drivers.”)
Then “live” Jagen, appears over “dead” Jagen, causing a very confused Arya to do that Scooby Doo thing where she repeatedly pulls masks off Jagen’s face to find out who he actually is. (And even though he is wearing like ten different masks, his face doesn’t look even remotely puffy . . . weird.) The last face Arya ends up seeing on “Dead” Jagen is her own.
This freaks her out so much, she goes blind, probably because her dad never let her watch Scooby Doo, when she was a little girl. If she did, she would know that face-swapping is no big thing! Also, that the Scooby Snacks were actually pot brownies . . .
If anyone should have had an inkling that all was not right on The Wall . . . that Alliser Thorne’s “you are losing all your friends, Sam,” speech, and Olly’s “Golly gee, Sam, do you think it’s OK if I murder, Jon Snow?” speech . . . were some massive bits of foreshadowing, all adding up to a dead bestie, it was Samwell Tarley.
I mean, last I checked, the guy was supposed to be really smart, right?
WRONG!
“Hey Jon, I know you just came back and all, but would you mind terribly if Gilly, Baby Sam and I abandoned your ass for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Old Town, so I can learn to become a Hufflepuff Maester, and you can learn to take five swords to the gut, be fake dead for a year, and then miraculously come back to life in Season 6?” Sam asks his “best friend.”
“Did you know that women have these things called G-spots? I did. Because I’m a really good finder.”
“Actually, I do kind of mind a little,” admits Jon. “I mean everyone REALLY hates me here, and that twerpy kid keeps giving me, ‘I’m totally going to Julius Caesar you,’ looks. To be honest, I’m kind of worried for my life. Speaking of lives, my direwolf saved yours a week or so back, and indirectly helped you get laid, even though you were seriously wounded and could basically just lay there while Gilly did all the work, so I think you kind of owe me one.”
“Great, thanks for letting me go, Jon. You’re the best,” replies Sam, as he Gilly and baby Sam get on a horse, and blow this Wall Watching popsicle stand, faster than you can say, “Shitty Friend.”
“But ummmmm….. I never actually said yes,” argues Jon to no one.
Casualties– 0
Good friends Jon Snow has left to save him from his inevitable Julius Caesaring – 0
Speaking of shitty friends . . .
One Small Step for Reek, One Giant Leap for that Nasty Biatch, Myranda . . .
“This seemed a whole lot more romantic when it was Aladdin and Jasmine singing ‘A Whole New World,’ and riding on a magic carpet.”
After Sansa’s failed bid for Brienne’s help at the broken castle, her luck gets even worse, when she runs into “Myranda, and her trusty bow and arrow. “Hey Sansa, would you mind standing still while I shoot arrows at your lady parts, because I’m an anti-feminist and irredeemable sadist?” Ramsey’s mistress inquires politely.
“Um, OK, yeah, why not,” replies Sansa, standing perfectly still to give her nemesis good aim. (Always so polite, that Sansa.)
“Hey, Myranda, can you fly?” Reek asks.
“What?” Myranda responds momentarily confused.
Reek then pushes Myranda off the side of the building, and watches her go splat on the ground. “Guess not,” he murmurs.
SPLAT!
Sansa then grabs the hand of her once-enemy, Reek, and the two jump to safety themselves, away from Winterfell, and Ramsey’s nearby army . . .
Meanwhile, over in Slutty Spring Break Dorne, Ellaria bids Myrcella adieu by inappropriately making out with the young teen, and young Sand Snake Tyene bids Bronn adieu by yammering on about her pussy . . . and I’m not talking about her pet cat.
Good pussy
Bad pussy
On the ship back to Kings Landing, Jamie and Myrcella share a heartfelt moment, during which Myrcella admits to knowing that Jamie is her father, and is totally cool with it, happy about it, even. But if Shireen Baratheon has taught us anything, it’s that sweet scenes between fathers and daughters never end well, and this one is no exception . . .
This is a public service announcement: Cocaine is bad!
Suddenly, Myrcella’s nose is bleeding and she collapses on the floor. Back in Dorne, Ellaria’s nose is bleeding too, only she has the anecdote to the poison she’s just imbibed, so she will be just fine. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for young Myrcella Lannister, whose Spring Break just came to a super abrupt and tragic end.
Cersei is going to be pissssssssed!
Casualties: 1 + The inner linings of two nose cavities
Even Dragons Get Hangovers
“Regrets . . . I have a few.”
Meanwhile, over on some grassy knoll, Dany is trying to rouse a very sleepy, worse-for-wear, Drogon, so he can take her back to all the friends she rudely abandoned and left to die in Mereen last week.
Drogon, though, is totally not having it. He’s already done his obligatory “Mommy Rescue” of the week, thank you very much. And now, what he wants to do, is sleep off the unique brand of massive indigestion that can only be caused by eating an entire cult of Evil Sons of Harpies and their creepy face masks.
Then, out on the horizon, Dany sees a tall strapping, swarthy, man who looks very familiar to her. It’s the GHOST OF KHAL DROGO!
Just kidding, it’s a Dothraki warrior, but he’s brought LOTS OF HUNKY FRIENDS.
Knowing a ticket out of dodge and back into power, as the future Breaker of the Wheel of Westeros, when she sees one, Dany (1) deftly drops to the ground and buries with the heel of her sandal the tacky wedding ring she received from her now-dead loser hubby Hizadhr; (2) smiles her prettiest possible Khaleesi Smile; (3) and ventures off to reunite with her favorite band of badass warrior sycophants!
Just make sure Drogon doesn’t burn to kibble or eat your new army, Dany. This is definitely a dragon, who seems like his eyes are too big for his stomach . . . and he’s got a really BIG stomach . . .
Tyrion Lannister for President (and Varys for VP!)
Back in Mereen, Tyrion, Jorah, Daario, Greyworm and Melissandre are kind of sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, because their leader has abandoned them in their time of need, and Mereen has erupted into total anarchy in her absence.
“We should go and find, Dany, because I haven’t gotten laid in about six whole hours and my blue balls are killing me .. . also, because ‘government stuff’, I guess,” offers Daario.
Everybody on Team Dany instantly wants to accompany Daario on his mission, because he’s so sexy. But then the Team dejectedly realizes that someone has to stay behind, and, you know, rule Mereen and stuff.
Ultimately, it is determined that only Daario and Jorah, the two people who most want to bone Dany, will head off in search of her, while everyone else sticks around and governs this annoying town full of cultists, former-slaves with no manners, and generally shitty people.
Fortunately for Tyrion, someone who actually knows what they are doing has arrived to help out with this seemingly insurmountable task.
Hello, Varys! Long time, no snark. It’s good to have you on the campaign ticket!
Eat your heart out, Francis Underwood from House of Cards. These two have my vote in the bag.
Casualties: -1 (Varys returns !)
The Walk of Shame: It’s Not Just For College Students Who Make Bad Life Choices Anymore
Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei is ready to confess to her many crimes (well, at least one of them), and make us all feel better about our own personal Walks of Shame.
Here’s a little lesson that Game of Thrones can teach college administrators hoping to crack down on binge drinking at their universities. As if walking across campus on a Sunday morning wearing a halter top and leopard print pants, or a vomit stained button-down shirt, and hair that hasn’t been brushed since 9 p.m. the night before, wasn’t humiliating enough . . .
Imagine having to do it with this chick, strutting behind you, ringing a cowbell, and repeatedly chanting the word “Shame” at your back . . .
.
. . while you are butt naked . . .
. . . and shaved bald . . .
. . . and people keep throwing their poo at you, and calling you names that would make a prostitute blush.
I’m guessing a mandatory Walk of Shame like that would have your campus completely bone dry in a month tops.
In all seriousness, Lena Heady is pretty spectacular here. You can actually see Cersei’s pride, stoicism and pride gradually crumble, as she makes the long, humiliating and cruel walk from her cell back to the Iron Throne.
But it’s when she returns home that things get really interesting. Apparently, someone has made Cersei a new Frankenstein friend to carry her around, and, you know, murder people for her and stuff. He kind of reminds me of Hodor, except he’s way less talkative and a much more swankily dressed.
It’s Hodor’s long lost older brother, Bodor?
Casualties: Cersei’s pride . . . and her hair, -1 for Cersei’s new body guard, who I’m pretty sure is a dead character (maybe The Mountain) reawakened by science a la Frankenstein (Franken-Hodor?)
Speaking of people I suspect will be awakened from the dead in no time at all . . .
Et tu, Ollypop?
Back on the wall, Davos is screaming at Jon Snow for refusing to give Stannis army supplies to help in his battle against the Boltons, only to learn mid lecture from a completely randomly appearing Melissandre (Seriously, how did she get there, so fast? Flying broomstick, I presume) that Stannis, Shireen, Selyse, and pretty much everyone from that storyline, is already dead anyway.
The letter Jon Snow receives from a gloating Roose Bolton confirms as much.
Then Olly pops by to tell Jon Snow his long lost relative Benjen Stark has returned after four seasons to see him. “Come out and meet your uncle, Jon,” Olly exclaims excitedly.
Oh, Jon Snow. You aren’t really going to fall for that trick are you? The old “Look over there, it’s a bird! Haha made you look” trick? You really do know nothing.
Ollypop throwing some shade . . .
Anywhoo, obviously, when Jon arrives outside there is no Benjen Stark to be found. What he does find are a bunch of bastards led by that Grumpy Ginger Alliser Thorne. They all start taking turns totally Julius Caesaring Jon Snow, and chanting, “For the Watch,” as they do it, just to add insult to Jon Snow’s possibly mortal injuries.
Olly pop steps up last. He eye f*&ks Jon Snow just long enough that you wonder whether or not he’s actually going to go through with his role as Brutus in our little tale. But, eventually Olly stabs Jon too. And it’s that stab that literally breaks Jon’s heart enough to “kill” him.
A perfect depiction of what fans want to do to Ollypop, after he delivers the mortal blow to Jon Snow. If I was this actor, I’d seriously enter the witness protection program ASAP.
Casualties: Jon Snow, and any respect I ever had for Ollypop
The last scene of the season is Jon Snow bleeding out on the floor outside Castle Black, eyes open, staring at nothing, which leads me to ask just one question.
Where the f*&k is Ghost when you really need him? Or does the loyal direwolf only save people’s lives when it will directly ensure that they get laid?
“What can I say? I’m all about chasing tail.”
“And I chase tail very carefully.”
I guess we will have to wait until next season to find out. Until then, Westerosians!
Greetings Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, we finally learned how the kanaima got his master, the wide world of Clueless Parents in Supernatural Teen Shows decreased by one, Allison went rogue (sort of), and the series’ most popular couple finally got up-close-and-personal with one another. (Hint: I am NOT talking about Allison and Scott.)
“Don’t play coy with me, you sly little Recapper, you!“
So slip on your favorite black hoodie, strap on your completely-obsolete-against-supernaturals bow and arrow set, and head on down to your local Police Department, because it’s time for another Hunter v. Kanaima v. Werewolf v. Stiles and his dad Grudge Match Beat-down (a.k.a as a Teen Wolf recap) . . .
[As always, special thanks to my blogging pal, Andre, for his weekly dose of screencapping awesomesauce.]
In which we finally figure out who’s been creeping around Jackson’s bedroom . . .
So, you guys all remember Jackson’s early season bid for the Unsexiest Sex Tape, Since that One Made by Screech from Saved by the Bell, right?
“Wow, this sex tape is looking pretty hot.”
“AHHHHH! Worst . . . sex . . . tape . . . EVER!”
One of season 2’s first, and longest-running, mysteries, has always been the question of who edited that tape, and, perhaps, more importantly, how and why. Within the first few minutes of “Furor,” we finally got some answers. And, wouldn’t you know it? For once on this show, the theory of Occam’s Razor, actually applies! In short, the Creepy Camera Guy is guilty of doing the Creepy Camera Thing . . .
“Haha, FOOLED YOU!”
This, of course, makes the most sense, out of all possible solutions, which is probably why the answer to this mystery alluded us fans for so long. Matt and his Technologically Savvy Night Stalking skills were literally right under our nose (and Jackson’s bed) the entire time!
“Seriously, though . . . you should vaccuum under your bed. Soooo many dust bunnies.”
The episode begins with a flashback to that fateful night when Creepy Camera Guy Matt first stood on Jackson’s porch, and taught him how to take nudey pictures of himself, using nothing but the night vision settings on a portable camera, and a dream of wolfy glory. So romantic!
After the encounter, we follow Matt back to his car, where he hacks into the soon-to-be-not-so-much-sleeping Jackson’s camera, because he SO obviously wants to ride that pony all the way to the finish line for completely “innocent” reasons, and unwittingly stumbles across the controversial footage that will forever be known amongst Teen Wolf Circles as Lizard-Gate.
Cue the epiphany . . . the flashbacks . . . the longing looks of love, and through-the-window-pane-hand (and claw) holding . . . It’s the stuff romantic comedies starring emo psychopaths, and gross scary lizards are made of!
*cue the theme song from Titanic*
Meanwhile, over at the Hale House of Horrors and a Complete Lack of Internal Plumbing . . .
In which The Vet insults Derek’s prowess as an Alpha, and reminds us that, despite all evidence to the contrary, he is NOT a witch, no sir . . .
VET: “Wake up, Sleeping Beauty. It’s time to smoulder and brood again.”
DEREK: “I always considered myself more Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Or maybe Aladdin. He was kind of cool.”
Teen Wolf Fans Who Love to See an Undressed Tyler Hoechlin Derek Hale is having a dream that looks nothing like any dream I’ve ever had. First of all, most people don’t see themselves in their dreams, because . . . well, they ARE themselves in their dreams. (Does that make sense?) I’ve also never had a dream where people called my name, while I stood, half-naked, looking sexy, in a field of white mist. Then again, I don’t look like Tyler Hoechlin . . .
Perhaps, if I did, I’d objectify myself in my dreams all the time! In fact, I’m quite certain, I would.
What I’m trying to say is, thank you Teen Wolf writers, from the bottom of my heart, for this completely irrelevant, and yet, utterly satisfying dream sequence featuring Derek Hale. It truly shows me, as a fan, how much you care . . . about my libido . . .
The Vet (who’s real name is “Deaton,” but who I will continue to call “The Vet” for all eternity, just like I will never call “Matt” anything but “Creepy Camera Guy”) awakens Derek from his sexy slumber FAN COCKBLOCKER! to inform him that, yes, it’s true, the hot red-head chick actually did knock your extremely well-toned ass out, by blowing some blue glitter in your face, dragged you all the way to your decrepit house, and made you hold hands with your corpse, uncle, so that he could come back to life. Oh, and P.S., “You suck as an Alpha.”
Talk about a rude awakening! Next he’s going to tell him that he has to spend the rest of the episode paralyzed from the neck down, with Stiles laying on top of him, and that he’s about to find out that Scott betrayed him . . .errr . . . well, I guess we have to save some “surprises” for later, right?
Anyway, the good news is that contrary to popular fan belief, after last week’s episode, Derek is still, in fact, an Alpha . . .
The bad news is that Peter Hale is going to use every mentally manipulative trick in the book to take that title away from him . . .
But worry not, Derek, the Vet has some advice for you about how to keep your title. You know, because he’s your witch doctor “wolf advisor,” and giving advice about the state of your Alpha-ness is what the Vet does best . . .
(Honestly, I’m not really sure what qualifies the Vet as an “Alpha Advisor,” given the fact that he is neither Alpha, nor wolf. I mean, what do we know about this guy, really, aside from the fact that he gives good back rubs, and makes a mean Supernatural Repellant Powder? Then again, the best consiglieries in Mob movies are rarely Italian. So, I’m going to let all that slide, for now. Just know that I’ve got my eye on you, VET!)
So, I bet, right about now, you’re wondering what brilliant pearls of wisdom our grand exalted advisor had for our favorite Alpha. Here it comes: “Find Scott the guy who’s been betraying you at the police station, where he is currently being held at gunpoint by a lunatic, stalked by a lizard, and surrounded by a family of armed, and REALLY PISSED OFF ARGENTS instructed to KILL YOU FIRST.”
Yeah, because that’s a great idea!
Some advisor This Guy turned out to be . . .
In which 3 people not employed by the Beacon Hills PD, do its job for them . . . and pay the price . . .
Question: How do you convince a rational adult that the reason you think one of your classmates is a serial killer is because, while hallucinating at a party, you happened to see him standing next to a life-sized lizard?
Answer: You don’t. But it sure is fun to try!
Granted, Stiles’ proffered motive for Creepy Camera Guy murdering a sizable chunk of the 2006 high school swim team (“The swim team sucks!”) ended up not being much better than the killer’s actual motive.
“If you look really closely in my mouth, you can see the swim team . . . sucking.”
But still, the ex-Sheriff wasn’t quite buying it, and needed real tangible proof. This entailed a road trip to the police office, where Sheriff Stilinski no longer works, but miraculously is still allowed to go and watch classified hospital surveillance videos.
(Why is everyone trusting Scott in this episode? NO ONE should trust Scott. Scott is like the Beacon Hills swim team. See analysis above)
The result? A break in the case! Thank goodness for Mama McCall and her vehement hatred for DIRTY SNEAKERS. Otherwise, our fab crime fighting threesome would have never place Creepy Camera Guy, not only at the hospital at the time Used-to-be-Preggers lady bit it, but also, at nearly EVERY OTHER SINGLE MURDER SCENE, where his big muddy footprints were found just inches away from the chalked outlines of dead bodies.
Dude! That’s what welcome mats are for!
Silly Creepy Camera Guy! Isn’t the whole point of having a Big Ugly Lizard to do all your dirty work, NOT having to be sloshing your muddy feet all over the crime scene?
Just sayin . . .
Clever killer or not, the secret’s out now . . . says the cop corpse at front desk, who’s just been murdered by . . . you guessed it . . . Creepy Camera Guy is IN the building.
“If my death rattle is loud enough, you think I could still get my SAG card?”
And he’s not too thrilled without our Three Wolfketeers . . .
“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for Those Meddling Kids . . . and my dirty feet.”
Meanwhile, over in Argentland . . .
In which Allison engages in some much-needed room redecoration, and sort of / kind of becomes a completely different person . . .
Poor Allison! As if losing her mother to a Suicide-by-Werewolf wasn’t bad enough, now she’s got to sit and listen to her doddering grandpa just yap, yap, yapping away, about how he was never close to his mother, but if he was close to her, and she wrote him a letter then BLAH, BLAH, BLAH . . .
You see, that’s the thing, Mama Argent may have written a fake suicide note for the world, but, according to Gerard, she wrote a REAL one to Allison, one seemingly explicitly designed to make her go all Rambo on the town werewolves. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t put it past a seriously scary lady like Mama Argent to convert a “Sweet Final Goodbye Letter” into a Roaring Battle Cry. It’s just that I don’t think that was Mama Argent’s priority, in her final moments . . .
In fact, I seem to specifically remember Mama Argent begging HER HUSBAND to tell Allison why she died, because she couldn’t bear to do it on her own. My theory? Eeeevvvil Gerard, who, from the looks of it, couldn’t give two wolf poops about Mama Argent, wrote this letter to convince new family Matriarch, Allison to OK the systematic extermination of Derek and his entire wolf pack. And, based on what we saw this episode, at least, his plan seemed to be remarkably successful . . .
ALLISON: “That’s weird. Mom never dotted her eyes with hearts, or signed her name with a happy face.”
GERARD: *whistles uncomfortably*
What follows is this awesome sequence, in which a seriously pissed off Allison burns the telltale letter, and goes full-on demolition derby on her bedroom.
Then she puts on the infamous Black Hoodie we saw in her hallucination last week, shoulders her now-trademark bow and arrow, and heads downstairs for an Argent Family Kill meeting. And, just like that, Dark!Allison is born . . . for real, this time.
At the kitchen table Gerard, has this total sh*t-eating grin that just makes you want to punch him in the face. He waxes poetic about Allison knowing the difference between revenge and retribution (which, some would say, are actually synonyms, Mr. Shakespeare!) He asks her whether or not the Argents should sentence Derek to death, as if the murder would be some sort of “War Strategy,” and not an emotional response to the part he played in Allison’s mother’s demise.
Wait . . . that angry expression . . . those buggy eyes . . . I know that face from somewhere . . . I just can’t put my finger on . . .
AHHH! It’s ALIVE . . . again!
Message sent and received. Allison sentences Derek to death, with about as much emotion and concern as one would put into reciting a grocery list. Even Papa Argent seems a bit appalled at his daughter’s new-found callousness. He tries to tap into his daughter’s heartstrings, that reminding her that Lover Boy Scott, also played an unwitting role in her mother’s demise.
But Allison is not swayed. She replies that Derek’s death is her “priority.” In fact, it’s such a “priority” that she would willingly kill any of Derek pack members who got in the way of her mission . . . impliedly, this includes Scott . . .
*sniffle, sniffle*
Allison then receives a text message from Scott’s phone, and reveals the wolf pack’s location to her Nutbar family.
“Hey, check out this sext Scott sent me, Grandpa!”
It seems Peter Hale isn’t the only Big Bad from Season 1, who’s returning to the show. Apparently, Kate Argent 2.0 is making an appearance as well . . .
“It’s like looking in a mirror.”
Speaking of becoming a completely different person . . .
Ahh Creepy Camera Guy Matt. It wasn’t too long ago that this guy was just a mild-mannered, slightly un-interesting side character, who used to get off on taking Allison’s picture. (And we’re still not 100% sure, why.) That was before boyfriend decided to let his CRAZY out to play! Now, he’s a gun toting, screaming, occasionally blubbering, hostage taker one who’s “Greatest Hits,” include murdering four innocent cops . . . just because, having Stiles’ dad chained to the wall, shooting the incredible skin regenerating Scott, in front of Mama Argent, and, perhaps most importantly, bringing two unrequited lovebirds together at last . . .
“See? I’m not all bad!”
In which Derek and Stiles take that nap together that they promised us . . .
A few weeks back, Tyler Hoechlin and Dylan O’Brien sat on a “ship,” their legs entwined, and promised us all that they would take “more naps” together.
Something tells me THIS is what they meant . . .
You know considering, the kanaima is supposed to ONLY murder killers, as part of some massive revenge plot, Jackson’s been getting a bit trigger happy, in the whole vengeance department. Don’t you think? I mean sure, he started out kind of clever, avoiding killing a pregnant mother, because her child was an innocent. But now, he’s just offing cops, willy nilly, and paralyzing every cast member, in which he comes in contact.
More on this, in just a bit . . .
What’s important here is that Creepy Camera Guy Matt gives Kanaima Jackson the brilliant idea to paralyze Derek, and then paralyze Stiles, RIGHT ON TOP OF HIM! Derek pretends to be annoyed, but we know he secretly loves it. So, does Creepy Camera Guy Matt, who remarks on what a great match these two make . . . in other words, he’s a TOTAL Sterek shipper . . .
And so he creates the image that launches 1,000 fan fictions . . .
But then he flips Stiles over and puts his foot in his neck, and the little regard I had for Creepy Camera Guy Matt is completely lost.
However, as it turns out, there’s a method to Creepy Camera Guy’s madness. He wants a copy of the bestiary. You all remember the bestiary, right?
It turns out, Creepy Camera Guy Matt has been suffering some “skin issues,” and hopes that the bestiary will explain them. Later, during an office pillow talk session, Derek muses that Matt is turning into the kanaima himself, as a result of being such a b*tch ass Master to Jackson, and repeatedly making him kill and maim, non-killers. That’s pretty clever, Derek!
DEREK: “Dude seriously needs to moisturize.”
STILES: “Should I lend him some of our personal lotion stash.”
DEREK: “F*%k no! He tried to cut off your head, with his foot. He can get his own.”
You know what else is clever? Your idea to stab yourself in the leg with your long fingernails to trigger your wolfy healing process, and, as a result, get that kanaima toxin out of your system more quickly than usual . . . gross . . .
. . . but clever . . .
In which we finally find out Creepy Camera Guy’s Origin Story . . .
It’s around this point in the episode, when we finally learn Creepy Camera Guy Matt’s whole “deal” with the 2006 swim team. I think most of us fans correctly assumed that he drowned. What we didn’t know, is that he Didn’t Actually Die, which means none of these people were actually killers. It kind of undermines the whole “kanaima” motto, no?
Personal issues with Matt’s backstory aside, I kind of liked the twist that what put Matt at the Lahey’s house on that fateful night (when he was still rather young) was his friendship with Isaac of all people. There’s something kind of circular in that, right?
“You mean to tell me, I’m actually friends with this Creepy Camera Douche? WTF!”
I also find it interesting that, of all the people involved in Matt’s drowning, it was the two Lahey’s who were most culpable . . . Isaac’s dad, for inviting these underage kids to his house to drink in the first place, and for silencing Matt about what had happened to him, and Camden, for actually throwing him in the pool. Of course, Matt never actually got to kill Camden, because he had already died in combat. Bummer!
But hey, at least he still got to kill Dawson Leery’s dad!
The rest of the kids seemed no more culpable than drunk obnoxious bystanders at a bar fight . . .
Given all that, on the surface, I found it pretty difficult to sympathize with Creepy Camera Guy Matt, and his weak murder motives. But Stephen Lunsford, actually managed to make this story work to his character’s advantage. His portrayal of an innocent child, who raged silently for half of his life, and then, suddenly was giving an outlet for his anger, that eventually unhinged and completely consumed him . . . turning him into a monster far worse than his torturers, and worse, even, than Kanaima Jackson . . . kind of worked for me, even though his story didn’t.
They say, “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts, absolutely.” Think about all the times, in a fit of anger, you’ve wished in your mind for terrible things to happen to people. Now, imagine if you learned that the mere act of thinking those things made them come true . . .
Pretty frightening, right?
Meanwhile, outside the police station . . .
In which Gerard quotes Shakespeare (again), and Allison reenacts scenes from the movie Kill Bill . . .
Silly Gerard! Trying to rally your illiterate troops with obscure Shakespeare quotes about love and the mist of sighs . . . . ZZZZZZ . . .
Next time, stick with something they can understand like, “Let’s go shoot some sh*t.”
Anywhoo, the lights are out in the police station, and it’s all misty. Allison runs into Scott, who immediately notices her black hoodie and game face, and undoubtedly thinks to himself. “Woah . . . b*tch is pissed.”
Allison coldly tells Scott to get out of her way, which makes Scott cry man tears. (We’ve been getting a lot of those this season.)
Then, Allison and her dad have a fierce encounter with the kanaima. It attacks her father first, and Allison fights back, by shooting an arrow in it’s eye.
“Why do I suddenly have a really bad headache?”
Unfortunately, Kanaima just swats at the arrow, like it’s an annoying fly in its face, and out it goes. Then, she does this kind of cool Matrix-y move, where she goes flying toward the lizard thing, knife in hand.
But that moves lands her on the floor, experiencing the paralysis that pretty much every major cast member has suffered at the hands of the kanaima, this year. Then, Matt pops by to rub it in Allison’s face, how she rejected him, and he got her on her back, anyway. Now, that’s just cold!
Hey, Matt. Take a hint . . .
In which Scott shows his “werewolf” to his mother . . . (He is SO grounded!)
I kind of loved the nerdy, blink and you’ll miss it scene, during which not-Sheriff Stilinski managed to break free from his handcuffs, and Mama McCall, who had been locked by Matt in a nearby cell, starting jumping up and down, and clapping like a giddy school girl.
She wasn’t clapping quite as much though, when Alpha Derek, and Kanaima Jackson started beating the crap out of one another in their respective supernatural forms. The good news about that, is that Scott was there, to save the day . . .
The bad news, is that this means Mama McCall got a glimpse of his sideburns, and weird pointy wolf snout. Talk about a face only a mother could love . . .
“You must get most of your genes from your dad’s side of the family.”
It only took almost two seasons, but Mama McCall is finally slightly less clueless than she was before . . .
In which someone experiences an EXTREMELY ironic death, and someone else gets a new pet . . .
Speaking of Mama McCall, one of the big twists of the episode (and a nice bit of continuity on the writers part) was the reveal that Scott had been secretly working with Gerard, and feeding him information about Derek’s pack, ever since the old man threatened Scott with his mother’s life.
There’s a lot of focus, in this scene on Gerard and those pills he’s always taking. Needless to say, this isn’t the kind of guy, who’s body could withstand a supernatural transformation. And I’m going to go into why I think that’s important, in just a bit . . .
In the chilling, final scenes of the episode, we watched Gerard, drag Creepy Camera Guy Matt toward the water, and . . . you guessed it . . . drown him, WITH HIS BARE HANDS. In the words of Alanis Morissette, “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?”
“I’ll never take a creepy picture again! *sob, gurgle, gurgle, glug*”
The drowning scene was uncomfortably long. And part of me was waiting for, (a) Creepy Camera Guy Matt to FINALLY turn kanaima, as it had been teased that he would earlier in the episode, and fight back; or (b) Kanaima Jackson to rescue his Master.
Neither of these things actually happened. What did happen was that Gerard ended up being the one to play paddy cake with Jackson Kanaima, thereby making the Old Shakespeare Quoting, Pill-Popping, Asshat the lizard’s new Master.
Hand porn
My theory on this? Gerard and his “Kill all werewolves” mentality will ultimately end up abusing the kanaima curse far worse than Matt ever did. This will ultimately cause Gerard to turn into a kanaima, one who will either (a) die during transformation; or (b) end up being controlled himself by none other than Corpse Man, Peter Hale . . .
Oh, did I mention that Undead Man has been watching this entire thing from up on high? Because he HAS been. And he’s been looking good doing it. Peter Hale, I say his in all honesty: “Death really does become you.”
Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week. Go back to Chuck, honey. You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”
Welcome back, Upper East Siders! So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma. A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding. And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.
Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .
I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . .
Have you ever watched a television show that made you feel like you’ve just been punked? Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding! That was the fake episode! Now, you can watch the real one . . .”
Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”
Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes. . .
“Let Him Live . . .”
My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot. By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later. (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)
DAN: “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie? I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm . . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . . While you were Sleeping? Aw crap! Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”
I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast. I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud. Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers! But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst! I wanna see some tears! I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud! I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live! I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!
. . . Emmy Hopeful.
But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .
So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told. Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it. I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.
I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode. Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys. They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened. Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.
Then, it happens. Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him. The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear. Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair. But then he falls unconscious. His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney. Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed. We all feel her pain.
It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been . . .
We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed. Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party. Serena is tentative and nervous. She has bad but not particularly surprising news. Blair lost the baby.
Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb. Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat. Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense. After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair. And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.
And. . . then the two pretty much never mention it again . . .
“Huh?”
Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby. Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl. But this is a HUGE deal! I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.
On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child. She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby. She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck. This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.
But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby. For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else. Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college. She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted. So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.
It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate. Just sayin . . .
But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news. She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation? “He’s lost a lot of blood. It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.
Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)
Talk about guilt and sadness! Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need. It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation. We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .
But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . . and by weird, I mean LAME.
Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really? That’s the sacrifice she chose? She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?). Lo and behold! At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.
HE’S ALIVVVVVVEEEEE!
And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper. Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing. But NOOOO! Chuck had to take a nap! So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”
And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . . . he doesn’t snore. But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!
*groan*
When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder. After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together? So, what gives? Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!
We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love. Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot. I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet? I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!
WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . .
(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does. But what if Louis-bot dies because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree? What does that say about Blair’s little theory? Will that be her fault, as well?)
Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off. (Golly gee? I wonder why?) Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles. Isn’t that sweet? NO, DAMMIT! Let the bastard rust! He’s ruining the show!
At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan. (Really? Again? Didn’t we do this storyline, already?) There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out. (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)
“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?”
After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness . . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode. Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .
“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.”
Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately. Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair. The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly. But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”
Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .
The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.
“Hey Chuck! No peeking, before the wedding! It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).”
Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress. Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera.”
Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently. Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute. She’s such a trooper, that Vera!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!
This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair. (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books? Weird . ..) You know who else is skulking around? Chuck. He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face. You know The Face I’m talking about . . .
Yep. That’s the one . . .
Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!
Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.
As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!). It’s actually . . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH . . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key. Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun! *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*
Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER. But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.
(Will this madness never end?)
Convenient, right? Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man. Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .
There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .
Way to bury the lead, writers! Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see: Gossip Girl was FIRED! Seriously! They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!
Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. Harsh! So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?
Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .
“O . . . M . . . G!”
That’s right boys and girls. Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog. (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself. Thank you for noticing . . .)
Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen? Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning. Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .
Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone? Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown. All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.
But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?
New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL! (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.) But Serena’s not so sure she should do that. After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place. Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?
(And besides, she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)
So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask? Not much. Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together. What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.
*insert robot laugh here*
Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan. So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing. Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us. “That was not a miracle. That was modern medicine!” Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond. “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.
“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.”
But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced. And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret. Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .
Wait . . . what? I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing? Do they need a chaperone, or something? Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of steaming horse poopy? Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!
“I am? Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!”
Oh, Serena, honey! If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)
In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .
. . . while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party. (Stupid Nate! You are so dog-ist!)
Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all? Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?
“Integrity RULES! Let’s go get wasted . . .”
Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .
Strange Bedfellows . . .
Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.” So, Nate does a little investigating. He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures. All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .
Ruh-roh!
Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel? It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!). And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back. Sounds like a good deal right?
(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom? Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)
In other sort of gossip-related news . . .
Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?
It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points. The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes. Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled. However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.
“Who the f*&k are you?”
Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie. But, here’s the kicker. Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID. So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl? For shame!
“That Charlie . . . what a loser!”
But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene. And we got one . . .
“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass. Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life. What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.
It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM. But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.
You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point. When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey. And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.
But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair. He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real. And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.
And why would he, hen the chemistry between Chuck and Blair is just as scorching as ever, even during a moment as turbulent (and frustrating) as this one . . .
And yet, the clincher of this scene is when Blair repeats to Chuck those very same words we heard her say to him in the hospital . . . words that he is only now allowing himself to remember: “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
You know that saying, “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s meant to be yours?” DON’T FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, CHUCK! You chase after that girl, and don’t stop until she’s back in your arms. It’s what Jesus would do . . . (Yeah, I went there.)
Speaking of which, you know how Blair explained away her odd behavior to Louis-bot at the end of the episode? She claimed it was because she was converting to Catholicism? Yeah . . . I have nothing to say about that . . . at all . . .
But hey, next week’s episode looks promising (at least according to our friends from Canada) . . . Check it out . . .
As for the United States, their promo chooses to focus more on Blair getting wasted, and arrested. (Silly Americans, and their boozy ways! :))
[Greetings, Gossip Girl and Pretty Little Liars Fans! I know I owe you all two recaps today. Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather last night. However, I hope to get both recaps out to you by early January 18th (all fingers crossed). This means my Glee-cap should arrive by January 19th. Sorry about the delay. And thank you for being patient!]
BONNIE: “Make a wish, Caroline.”
CAROLINE: “I wish to get more action than Elena, this year.”
“Nice, Caroline! I thought we were friends. Do the words, ‘three seasons of virtual celibacy’ mean anything to you?”
Greetings Fangbangers! I’m going to admit that some very strange things happened to me during this episode . . . things I never thought would happen, ever . . . Here they are, in no particular order:
(1) Bonnie, as per usual, was judgmental toward Elena, about something she did last week. And I AGREED WITH BONNIE!
(2) Matt Donovan actually made me smile. (This hasn’t happened, since he got high, back in “The Birthday.” Perhaps, I only like Matt when he’s wasted . . .)
(3) Elena refused a second kiss from Damon, and I was totally OK with it. (BECAUSE, NEXT TIME, SHE’S GOING TO KISS HIM, INSTEAD!)
(4) I found myself incredibly turned on by a (sort of) love scene between Caroline, and someone who wasn’t Tyler . . .
Clearly, the apocalypse is upon us . . .
Also this week, I found myself, at various points during the episode, seriously questioning the respective motivations of Stefan, Klaus, and Tyler.
Are these men behaving out of self-interest, genuine concern for their lady friends, or, in the case of Tyler, a slighty modified version of compulsion? Also, would they all have been better off keeping their hands (and teeth) to themselves?
All in all, it was a very intriguing episode . . . one I very much look forward to “biting into” with you, right now . . .
(By the way, special thanks to Andre, for providing me some seriously amazing screencaps for this episode. I just wish we had a TVD tumblr, so that I can share them all with you.)
“I will not imagine Damon naked. I will not imagine Damon naked . . . I will not . . .”
“Dammit!”
So, Fangbangers, have you ever been really horny stressed out? Do you sometimes find yourself with so much excess desire and sexual energy, you simply must find someone to bone some way to release it? I have. And whenever I feel this way, I tend to GO BONE DAMON SALVATORE, THIS INSTANT, ELENA! do one of two things . . .
(1) workout my frustrations with some good old-fashioned humping physical exertion; or
(2) get naked cool off in a nice, refreshing shower.
When you think about it, it actually makes a lot of sense that Elena ended up doing the former, especially, in light of her recent epic porch smooch with Damon.
It’s also no surprise that, Damon did the latter. (After all, let’s face it, it’s been WAY TOO LONG, since we got to see Mr. Smoulderhotter NAKED!)
I’ve never been so envious of a towel, in my entire life.
I mean, Damon’s always been known to be quite the suds-loving dude . . . He takes his personal hygiene VERY seriously . . .
And . . . now, I’m jealous of the shower head . . .
After three seasons of angst, and unrequited love, the elder Salvatore Brother has FINALLY unburdened himself to Elena. He’s exposed himself to her, in the rawest, most personal way, and SHE reciprocated!
It was everything he dreamed about. And he’s totally satisfied with how it all turned out.
Elena, on the other hand, is CONFUSED, not to mention SERIOUSLY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED. It’s as if, through that kiss, Damon transferred years of horny angst, unrequited love, and giddy confusion from his shoulders onto her own . . .
The only way to release that tension will be for Elena to similarly unburden herself. But, until she does that, something tells me she’s going to be thinking about that kiss for a VERY, VERY long time . . .
“Have you talked to Damon, today?” Elena asks Alaric apprehensively, as she thrusts her body into that big sweaty hunk of punching bag. (It’s a surprisingly girly comment, coming from our new warrior princess . . . Suddenly, she’s a preteen again, asking her best friend, if he thinks her crush likes her.)
Alaric clearly suspects something is going on between his surrogate kid, and his bromantic buddy, but, fortunately knows when to leave well enough alone . . .
“She could beat me up, for sure.”
Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Stefan also might suspect that Damon’s gotten some tongue action (among other things), when the latter saunters out of his shower, naked except for a towel, looking surprisingly peppy, not to mention cocky as hell.
But if you were hoping for a brotherly bonding / gossip session over the brother’s mutual Gal Friday, you will end up being sorely disappointed. Stefan, who, by the way, hasn’t been laid in AGES . . .
“Rub it in, why don’t ya?”
. . . is all business. He wants the two of them over at Institution for Dead Witches on the Rag, ASAP, so that the pair can discuss Operation Kill Klaus.
As douchetastic and cold as Stefan has been, of late (He also seems to be wearing a heck of a lot more guyliner, since he went over to the dark side.), it was kind of fun to see the Salvatore Brothers back to their old schemes, and sibling banter. We haven’t seen that from them, in a while . . .
Knock, Knock . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 1)
Knock, knock . . .
Who’s there?
Heartless Hybrid . . .
Heartless Hybrid who . . .
Oh crap!
Despite the fact that there are three other unopened coffins in our midst (one of which contains Elijah and his awesome hair) . . .
. . . everyone only seems interested in that Mystery One . . .
“What are we? Chopped liver?”
We find Bonnie at the Institution, doing her own version of Bibbity Bobbity Boo over it . . .
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Why doesn’t she try to light the coffin on fire, or give it a headache, like she used to do to Damon . . .
(only without the nosebleeds . . . Have we completely forgotten about the nosebleeds, writers?) to no avail.
That’s right, Bonnie. I’m never letting you live this down . . .
Later, Damon tries to bash it in with a crowbar. That’s more like it. I’m just waiting for a Batsh*t Crazy Stefan to come at the thing with an electric chainsaw. Now, THAT would be awesome . . .
But, suddenly, just as Bonnie finishes her silly little rhyme, and Damon and Stefan reach the doorway to the Institution, the coffins disappear (What a clever little security system those witches have set up!) Damon rushes inside to warn Bonnie. Then, he and Stefan tag team and promptly de-heart our first anonymous hybrid victim of the evening.
Man, is it just me, or are these hybrids incredibly lame?
I don’t know, Klaus. Maybe they get that from their mom’s side of the family? But it seems to me like some of the Season 1 vampires, were about ten times more difficult to kill than these supposed Lean, Mean, Killing Machines . . .
Part vampire . . . part werewolf . . . ALL LOSER?
“These hybrids are really bringing the neighborhood down,” snarks Damon, as he tosses the bloody heart on the floor.
No wonder he showers so much . . .
Correction: They WOULD be bringing the neighborhood down, if any of them were actually smart enough to survive longer than five minutes to do it . . .
A Very, Very Un-Birthday to YOU!
“I was originally going to write the letters in my own blood, but thought that might be inappropriate.”
Over at school, Elena and Bonnie are busy decorating undead birthday girl, Caroline’s locker, when Elena announces that she has a confession to make. “I kissed Damon, and it was so hot I nearly orgasmed, right there on my porch. I’m so horny right now I could SCREAM. Jeremy’s leaving Mystic Falls, because I made Damon compel him to do so,” she admits, more or less.
The look on Bonnie’s face, when she hears this, is just FILLED with judgment. Can you imagine what her face is going to look like, when she learns Damon and Elena are boning?
She knows her ex would never willingly leave his family to battle evil, while he scurried off to someplace “safe.” And she also knows how much Jeremy always hated the way everyone, especially his sister, always treated him like a toddler, and never let him play in any Scooby Games. But, as angry as she is, Bonnie doesn’t say anything . . . yet.
Instead, she goes and asks Jeremy about why he’s leaving. And when he provides her with the stock, Stepford Husband, compulsion response with which Damon has provided him, she gives him this smirk that says, “You are acting like a such a brainwashed tool, right now. And you don’t even know it.”
For a second, it seems like Bonnie just might have gotten through to Jeremy. But then he sees a shiny object (Ghost Anna?), and completely forgets that she exists. Sorry, Bonster. You may be right about this one. But your ship has definitely sailed . . .
“I’m sorry. Damon has also compelled me to forget the name of that witch I used to screw.”
Meanwhile, an unusually Mopey Caroline arrives at school to find Tyler waiting for her in the parking lot.
“I could always ‘accidentally’ run him over with my car . . .”
I know girls like Caroline. Under normal circumstances, she’d probably show up to school on her birthday, wearing a tiara, a gold sequined dress, and a big button that says, “F*&k Kiss me, I’m a year older.”
“When I open my eyes, I better see lot of expensive presents in front of me, or else!”
But our girl Caroline has changed, in more ways than one, since last year. And the sight of her erstwhile beau isn’t making things any easier on her.
Speaking of subdued, the events of the past week seem to have finally gotten it through Tyler’s thick (but still adorable) hybrid skull that being “Gay for Klaus” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He apologizes profusely to Caroline for no longer being able to put her first, given how demanding his new lover happens to be. Then, he sweetly slips an adorable silver charm bracelet into her hand, wishes her happy birthday, and exits stage left . . .
As the couple talk, there’s some song playing in the background, in which the lyrics repeat, “It’s over,” over and OVER again. And there’s just something about it that really makes me want to break something.
Many fellow TVD fans have often complained about the LOUDNESS of the show’s background music. But this was the first time it TRULY bothered me . . . like a too-loud laugh track, over a part of a sitcom that wasn’t particularly funny . . .
“Turn the music down, dammit, I’m trying to hear FORWOOD!”
All this angst and pedantic music quickly become too much for Caroline. So, her and her plaid Catholic School Girl Skirt both decide to take a sick day . . .
How very Britney Spears, circa 1998 . . .
When, she arrives back at her house, however, Elena, Matt, and Bonnie are there waiting for her. (Did they all call in sick too?)
How many high school boys do you know who would willingly wear a bubble gum pink dunce cap?
They’ve planned a tequila campfire party in her honor. But Caroline, as we know, isn’t in a celebrating mood. “[My birthday, this year] is just a reminder that I’m dead,” she gripes. “I’m stuck in a filler year,” Vampire Barbie adds about her “forever 17” status.
(I don’t know about 17 being a filler year, per se. At least you can get your driver’s license, over and over again!)
But worry not, Caroline fans. Because Elena Gilbert, Therapist to Vampires, knows exactly the kind of party that Caroline needs . . .
A Very Klefan Breakup (a.k.a Funeral 2)
Speaking of vampires who are desperately in need of both therapy and sex, it seems Klaus has crafted a comfy new coffin for his re-daggered sister, Rebekah (or, perhaps, he saved the old one . . . knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d get sick of his sister, and need it again).
He tells Punky She-Hybrid to “Show Rebekah to her room,” while lovingly caressing the coffin. And, for a moment, I’m reminded of that movie where Ryan Gosling started having intimate conversations with, and eventually, if I recall, marrying, a life-sized female doll . . .
But before Punky She-Hybrid can give Coffin Number 1, the grand tour of the Original Hybrid Suite, Stefan magically appears . . . (because, apparently, this is a day for Reunions with Ex-Boyfriends).
Klaus’ eyes light up when he sees his Steffypoo. And for a moment, I think the ancient vampire truly believes that the two of them are about to kiss and have sex make up.
But before Klaus and Stefan can continue their weekly weiner-measuring contest, Stefan has some grievances to air about their relationship, “friends don’t strip friends of their free will,” whines Stefan, of Klaus’ Very Bad Boyfriend decision to render him a virtual zombie for three or four episodes.
“Must . . . eat . . . braaaaaiiiiins.”
To Klaus’ credit, he actually apologizes for this. “I know that was extreme, but I can get a bit moody sometimes,” says the guy who has a habit of KILLING his relatives, for fun. “I was hoping [now that all that is over and done], that we could pick up right where we left off,” he coos, the sexual suggestiveness of his statement, fairly clear, as he winks at his boy toy, and blows kisses in his direction.
But Stefan’s not giving in so easily, nor is he swayed, by Klaus’ decision to play the “Brother Card.” In fact, Stefan’s SOOOO not down with the idea of a Klefan reunion that he CHOPS OF PUNKY SHE-HYBRID’S HEAD!
So, remember back when Stefan used to eat people’s heads off, and then glue them back on, because he felt bad about it? Apparently, neither does he . . .
And another one bites the dust . . .
I love how the decapitated body just stood there, for about three seconds, before finally crumbling to the ground.
For those of you keeping track at home, out of Klaus’ merry band of hybrids, we now have two, without hearts, and two without heads. Now, we just need some arms, legs, and torsos, up in this joint. And we could have ourselves a mean game of Hangman!
But alas, Klaus decides to burn Punky She-Hybrid’s head, in all it’s stylish Angry Girl Band-loving glory. This to me, seems like a real waste, especially when a “decorative sculpture” like this could really have spruced up Coffin Rebekah’s new bedroom . . .
A Very Klyler Breakup?
But Stefan isn’t the only boy toy of Klaus’ that’s cheesed off at him. Seemingly moments after Stefan the Decapitator has departed, in comes a snarling, feral-looking Tyler. He’s not giving in to this “sire” thing. No sir! He’s his own man, dammit.
So, of course, Klaus has to send Tyler off on another errand: namely, bite Caroline, and give her were-hybrid rabies, like Rose and Damon, before her.
(Hmmm . . . interesting. So, a hybrid bite can kill a vampire, just as easily as a werewolf one can, despite the fact that hybrids are, technically, part vampire. What happens, when they bite themselves?)
Tyler says “Hell to the No” to this errand, which I appreciated very much (Of course, I would have appreciated it much more, if his “Hell to the No” was followed by “Pretty please don’t kill Caroline, because I love her” . . . as opposed to merely, “Why should I do it?” . . . the unspoken . . . and, perhaps, unintentional, implication being that it would be OK, if someone else did it).
“See? I should have run him over with my car!”
Klaus pouts a bit, at his sex slave’s surprising disobedience. But, oddly enough, he ultimately lets Tyler off the hook, for this particular errand, without much fanfare . . . or does he?
In which it becomes shockingly apparent that the entire Founder’s Council is made up of vampires and psycho killers . . .
That night, Team Bad Ass, a.k.a. Alaric and Damon, attend one of those ridiculous faux-Founder’s Day parties at the Lockwood Mansion, so that they can later appear at one of those totally useless Anti-Vampire Council meetings. While they wait, Alaric talks to Damon about how odd it is that Stefan’s gone balls out, evil, while Damon is in hero-mode, and playing house with Elena. (You can always count on Alaric to say what everyone else is thinking . . .)
Speaking of Elena, “something’s up with [her],” Alaric confides in his bromantic buddy.
Damon smirks at this, undoubtedly imagining the way her tongue tastes. But he reveals nothing. Instead, he deflects, “I’m sure, whatever it is it starts with a ‘Stef’ and ends with an ‘an.'” He jokes. (More like starts with a “DAM” and ends with an “IT’S ON!”)
Crazy Nanny Carrie, er, I mean Meredith Fell then annoyingly magically appears to hit on Alaric some more, and remind us that, as a “Founding Fell,” she’s part of this Useless Council too . . .(Hey, you know who else was a Fell? Season 1 Logan . . . the guy Damon and Alaric both killed . . . coincidence?)
Crazy Nanny continues to flirt with Alaric, and make weirdly threatening references to the fact that she still imagines throwing her ex boyfriend from high school off a bridge. Woah, Crazy Nanny Meredith! Considering that you’re a doctor, it’s safe to say you’ve been out of high school for at least ten years. It’s time to let go, psychopath . . .
Later, we see said ex-boyfriend and Meredith fighting about something. The ex gets a bit rough with Meredith, and Prince Alaric comes to her rescue. Instead of being mad at Alaric, the guy in question actually seems to pity him, even going so far as to warn him about the nutjob he’s about to start screwing. (Clearly, this guy has watched One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars.)
Cause of death: The use of too much hair product, at once . . .
We later learn that this guy is the Town Medical Examiner, a.k.a. The Guy Who Lies and Says Residents Were Killed by Wild Dogs, When They Were Actually Sucked Dry by Stefan Salvatore . . .
More interesting than Crazy Nanny Meredith’s fantasies of becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, and Medical Examiner Guy’s shockingly bad hair is the fact that “some British guy,” has apparently donated oodles of cash to Mystic Falls’ Founder’s Council.
Annnnd . . . that’s how the Baddest Vampire of them All, and his Band of Strong, But Stupid, Hybrids all became honorary members of the Now Virtually 0% Human Anti-Vampire Council . . . Would you believe that Klaus got his foot in the proverbial council door, by offering the group PROTECTION from Stefan? Talk about the ultimate switcheroo.
To be honest, I was much less surprised that Carol Lockwood went along with her son’s new boyfriend’s plans, than I was that former vampire despiser, Lizard Forbes has suddenly gone out and bought herself a “Team Klaus” t-shirt.
Is it possible that she is predicting a future romance for her Vampire Barbie daughter, and the Original Hybrid? Stay tuned . . .
LIZ: “Bet you $20 they are boning by sweeps week.”
DAMON: “I’ll take that bet . . .”
Speaking of Crazy!Stefan, he makes a go at killing, yet a third hybrid, upstairs in the Lockwood Mansion. (This one, would have been another beheading . . . not very creative. However, he is ultimately stopped by Peacekeeping!Damon. Go figure! Damon’s passionate plea of “No dead hybrids at the Founder’s Party,” reminds me so much of Chris Rock’s “No sex in the Champagne Room,” that it makes me giggle.
Stefan, however, isn’t amused. So, he storms off to go pee on some more proverbial trees, so as to mark his town territory, and “be the better villain,” so to speak. And by “trees,” I mean “Elena” . . .
Meanwhile . . .
Here Lies Caroline Forbes . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 3)
In the most morbid, but surprisingly appropriate birthday party ever, Elena and the gang take Caroline to Fell’s tomb. There, they decide to give her a FUNERAL . . . you know, because she’s dead . . . and stuff. The idea, of course, is to get her to stop focusing on her OLD life of GETTING OLD, and start focusing on her NEW LIFE (which . . . is really, more or less, the same as her old one, except she occasionally drinks blood, and never ever will have to pay for Botox).
Then, Caroline proceeds to get mildly inebriated on tequila, and uses it as an excuse to drunk text Tyler. (We’ve all been there. ;)) This prompts Elena to make a snide remark, and Bonnie to stick up for Caroline. (AGAIN, I’m agreeing with Bonnie AGAIN! What the heck is wrong with me?) Apparently, liquor has loosened Bonnie’s lips enough for her to Elena what she really things of her decision to steal Jeremy’s free will, and send him away, possibly for good.
“Judging you . . . again.”
Matt gripes comedically, that all this catty girl talk is totally ruining Caroline’s kickass funeral. So, BonBon leaves. Enter Tyler to the tune of the song “Birthday Sex.” (Now, THAT would have been a good soundtrack choice!)
Tyler wants to talk to Caroline . . . alone. You see, his conversation with Klaus has taught him that he CAN, in fact say no. . . maybe. Of course, he’s thrilled . . . so thrilled, in fact, that he confesses his love to Caroline. Now, they are kissing. Now, they are humping against a tree. Now, they are . . . BITING EACHOTHER’S NECKS????
Ruh-roh! Apparently, some foreplay is just no longer acceptable, when you are a hybrid hooking up with a Vampire Barbie. Caroline falls to the floor, a mixture of shock, accusation, and pain, on her face.
Gnarliest hickey ever . . . I think Tyler might need braces . . .
To Tyler’s credit, he looks genuinely shocked at what he did. He obeyed Klaus’ wishes after all, even though (I think) he clearly didn’t want to do so. Now, if that ‘s not compulsion, I don’t know what is . . .
I would have liked for Tyler not to run off into the woods like a b*tch to leave Caroline dying in the forest. But run off, he did. In Tyler’s defense, Caroline asked him to leave. And he DID go and get her help, which, I suspect, was also precisely what Klaus wanted him to do . . .
Meanwhile, an adorable wasted Elena and Matt tumble out of the tomb, in search of Caroline. Just as they find her, Stefan knocks Matt unconscious, and steals Elena away, without so much as a “Happy Birthday,” to Dying Caroline. Way to be a gentleman, ASSHAT!
Next thing we know, Stefan is speeding down the highway with a kidnapped, and super pouty, Elena. He wants to drive her down to the bridge where they first met . . . you know, back when her parents drowned, and he rescued her? Ahh . . . memories. In fact, Stefan wants to take reliving those memories all the way to the next level, by DRIVING OVER THE BRIDGE, AND DROWNING WITH ELENA . . .
Damon calls Elena for some phone sex, and is not-at-all pleased that his brother has picked up the phone. He becomes even less pleased, when he learns what exactly Crazy!Stefan plans to do.
In an odd turn of events, Damon suddenly finds himself on the same side as Klaus. He runs to warn his new friend, of what’s happening. “Get rid of your hybrids, or he’s going to kill Elena,” Damon says, more or less.
“Sometimes, I wish YOU were my brother . . . you know . . . aside from the whole, leaving your siblings in coffins for 1,000’s of years . . . thing.”
Initially, Klaus isn’t concerned. He believes that Stefan ultimately loves Elena WAY too much to kill her. So, therefore, he must be bluffing. But when Klaus calls Stefan on the phone, he hears Elena’s anguished screams . . . screams which sound so very real. Then he hears Stefan, do the one thing, that to Elena, is worse than killing her out right, he force feeds her his blood . . . the exact same action for which he attacked Damon, last season.
Now, Klaus seemed fairly certain that Stefan wouldn’t kill Elena. But he’s much less certain he won’t turn her into a vampire, thereby making yet another Petrova Doppelganger useless as a human blood bank / hybrid making machine. This is a HUGE deal. After all, Klaus had to wait 500 years after Katherine turned vamp, for another opportunity to become / make hybrids. Who knows how long he’ll have to wait next time around?
Watching Klaus cry, as he hears Elena’s screams of terror, you could almost imagine that he really does care about her, as more than just a blood bank. And maybe he does. After all, Klaus has romantic history with two girls, who look exactly like Elena. So, it’s not hard to imagine that some of that tenderness has translated over to this new doppelganger, who’s so very important to him, in so many ways.
At the last possible minute, (once Klaus agrees to get his hybrids out of Mystic Falls, of course) Stefan stops the car. Oddly enough, despite having gone through the last few minutes with Elena, this guy seems truly confused, as to why she won’t back into the car with him.
Stefan’s speech to Elena is interesting, because it causes you to question just how much of his “No Emotions” thing, is an act, while, at the same time, illustrates just how insensitive and hard-hearted his experiences with Klaus have made him.
Stefan explains to Elena that she and Damon HAD to believe that he was really going to kill her / and/ or turn her into a vampire, to convince Klaus of the same thing. And if all that was an act, maybe the rest of it was too. After all, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time Stefan pretended not to care about Elena, in order to protect her.
On the other hand, as Elena tearfully explains, Stefan traumatized her, beyond belief, by forcing her to relive the moment of her parents death. And the fact that Stefan could make her do this, without giving so much as a thought to the mental and emotional impact it would have on her, shows him to not be the same guy with whom she fell so madly in love, a few years back.
Stefan digs the knife deeper, by telling Elena that defeating Klaus is all he has left, pointedly leaving both Damon and Elena out of that equation. He also tells Elena that they’ve been “over,” since he left Mystic Falls, and that he doesn’t care what she thinks about him, anymore. Of course, his facial expressions, when he says this, say otherwise.
Then, the Poopyhead drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of the road, for Damon to rescue . . . again. That’s right, boys and girls. Stefan Salvatore is on Team Delena. And, as awful a dude as he’s been lately, I certainly can’t fault him for that.
Speaking of Delena . . .
The Kiss Raincheck? 🙂
Throughout the hour, we’ve been waiting for Damon and Elena to address their epic liplock. Now, fittingly enough, they get to do so, in the exact same spot, where the infamous smooch occurred. Let’s rewatch, shall we?
I must admit, on first watch, I was disappointed that Elena rebuffed Damon’s sweet facial caresses, and soulful love eyes, with her, “You can’t kiss me again.”
I thought to myself, “Oh come on, Elena! Stefan practically ROLLED OUT THE RED CARPET for you to give in to your desires with Damon. Surely, you can’t be feeling guilty about it now!”
It also reminded me of that little Dawson’s Creek moment, I shared with you last week. You know, the one where Pacey told Joey that he couldn’t keep kissing her, because he’d already made his feelings known. So, if she wanted their relationship to continue, she would have to kiss him?
In essence, I think that is what Damon and Elena are both saying to one another, here. From Elena’s perspective, it wouldn’t be fair for her to accept another one of Damon’s mind-blowing kisses on THIS night, when her heart is so very raw, from where Stefan stamped on it. Despite her obviously strong feelings for Damon, if she let him kiss her right now, it would be more about Stefan than it would be about Damon. And Elena cares enough about Damon to know that he doesn’t deserve that . . .
The next time Damon and Elena kiss, it should be all about THEM, just like it was the first time.
From Damon’s perspective, he, like a certain Pacey Witter, knows that their next kiss must be Elena-initiated. And it needs to come at time, when Elena is finally genuinely OK with what happened between her and Stefan. He loves and respects Elena enough to wait for that moment to come. He’s also confident enough in her love for him, to know that it WILL come eventually . . .
Dreaming of Delena . . .
And, if the longing look Elena gave Damon at the end of this scene, and her words to Matt at the end of the episode are any indication, that moment will probably come sooner, rather than later . . .
Coming from a Hardcore Delena and Forwood shipper, you might be surprised to know that I found this the most fascinating moment of this episode. It was both surprising, and, at the same time, telegraphed from the very first scene. Most intriguing of all was the fact that Klaus’ motives for doing what he did are still not entirely certain.
On one hand, it certainly seems as though Klaus told Tyler to bite Caroline, knowing, full well that he would initially say no, and then, inadvertently end up doing it, anyway. At first, most of us fans, probably felt that this was done to show the Scooby Gang that Klaus means business, just as the attempted murder of Jeremy did, last week. However, on second glance, it seems more likely that Klaus only got Tyler to bite Caroline, so that he could ultimately save her.
The question is, why did he go through all this trouble to do that, for a girl with whom, up to this point, he has had little to no interaction? Does he truly care about her as much as he seems to, in this clip?
Or maybe because she looks so much like his sister (the other Vampire Barbie), or, perhaps, like someone he once loved? Has he coveted her all along, and merely been using Tyler to get to her?
Or, was all this merely a way, of keeping Tyler in line, by breaking him of the one person, who potentially had the power to keep him from being completely loyal? Also, having someone, like Caroline, who is so intimately linked to Stefan’s inner circle beholden to him, certainly can’t hurt Klaus’ plans for continued Elena usage, and world domination? The coy way, in which Klaus caresses the bracelet Tyler gave her for birthday (He ultimately gives her a much nicer, more expensive piece of jewelry, himself.) could be interpreted either way . . .
But whether you are Team Klaroline, or Team Forwood, you have to admit that these two are pretty darn sexy together . . . And here I thought death bed flirting was only hot , when Delena was doing it. Shows, how much I know . . .
Bye, Bye Jer Bear!
After Caroline gets her bracelet, things wrap up pretty quickly. Jeremy gets shipped off to Denver, without much fanfare. And Bonnie, for all her complaints and hand-wringing, when it actually comes time for him to leave, merely, hugs him goodbye.
Don’t worry, Jeremy. You’ll be back. The ones that don’t die ALWAYS comeback. (Come to think of it, so do the ones that DO die . . .)
Here Lies Elena Gilbert (a.k.a. Funeral 4) . . .
We follow up this tearful Jer Bear moment, with a surprisingly sweet one between Matt and Elena on that fateful Bridge of DEATH. Elena notes sadly that her former self might be disappointed with her current self, a girl in love with VAMPIRES (That’s right, I said “vampires” PLURAL . . .
The Matt we USED to know, would have probably agreed with Elena. But New Matt, was much kinder, giving Old Elena a “funeral,” so that she might be able to embrace her new crazy life, one which, though he might not fully understand, he does support, because he . . . wait for it . . . wants her to be happy.
Way to go, Matt! (I can’t believe I just typed those words . . . I must be going crazier than Stefan . . .)
Speaking of crazy . . .
Here Lies Crazy Nanny Carrie’s Victim Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . (a.k.a. Funeral 5)
Question: If the only Medical Examiner in town gets whacked, who gets to determine his Cause of Death?
While Alaric proceeds to get Day Drunk with Crazy Nanny Meredith, Lizard Forbes and her once-again pal Damon go traipsing in the forest to locate yet another of Mystic Falls growing list of Dead Unimportant Characters. This time its . . . surprise . . . Preppy Medical Examiner Guy . . . as in, the same one Crazy Nanny Meredith talked about tossing over a bridge, and the same one that Alaric publicly tussled with the night before. He’s got a stake in his chest, the victim of one of those rare things in Mystic Falls: the HUMAN KILL.
He stole Bonnie’s nose bleed. BASTARD!
Do, I suspect a Crazy Nanny Meredith Murder, followed by an Alaric Saltzman frame-up, possibly to avenge the death of an odious weatherman named Logan Fell? You bet I do!
And that was “Our Town,” in a Nutshell. Next week, on TVD: Tyler gets chained up and naked again, Crazy Nanny Meredith shows her true colors, and Bonnie appears to be bleeding from her nasal passages again. Hooray! You can check out the Canadian and American trailers for this episode, entitled “The Ties that Bind,” here:
Welcome back, my fellow Fangbangers! I missed you! Heck, I missed this show! Now, I know how Stefan feels, when he’s going through blood withdrawal . . .
All those sad, lonely, desperate Thursday nights without my TVD . . . it’s a wonder I didn’t completely lose my head or have Stefan chew it, or Jeremy chop it off with a meat cleaver . . . .
So, of course, this brings up the inevitable question . . . Was “The New Deal” worth the interminable wait . . . the sleepless nights . . . the hours spent watching Delena fanvideos on YouTube, while sitting entirely too close to my computer screen? Survey says . . .
Well, I’ll take that as a yes! 🙂
But wait . . . before I get started on the recap . . . I think I’m forgetting something. What could I possibly be forgetting?
Oh . . . yes . . . THAT. Well, we will definitely be talking about THAT, soon enough. But first, let’s get all that “other stuff” out of the way. Shall we? 😉
“If you unbury it, he will come . . .”
We open the episode with a nice close-up shot on Bonnie, who’s dressed like she’s ready to head out for a night of clubbing.
This, of course, caused me to ponder how far away the nearest dance club is from Mystic Falls. It’s too bad Vicki’s gone. She would have known the answer to that question, for sure . . .
But enough about Vicki. We’re with Bonnie, now. Mmm-kay? And Bonnie’s hearing The Whispers. You know The Whispers, right? These guys are WAY famous. If they had an IMDB page, it would probably be longer than Robert De Niro’s.
The Whispers are always popping up in horror movies, and scary TV shows, and telling the protagonist to do BAD THINGS: “steal that precious object,” “cheat on your wife,” “kill That Guy,” “eat more Chicken McNuggets.”
Unfortunately, here, The Whispers just want Bonnie to go into Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Dead Witchcraft and Mildew. Bonnie obeys. (Far be it for her to disobey The Whispers!) She goes into the basement of the Ugly House. There are four coffins there. (Gee golly! I wonder what it all means?)
It’s a nice day for a vamp funeral . . . or four . . .
The Whispers tell Bonnie to open one of the coffins. (They sure can be bossy . . . those Whispers.) And when she does . . . well . . . you’ll never guess who’s in there! It’s KLAUS! And he just looks like the happiest Dead Guy ever!
“Oh, hey Bonnie! Do you know where the bathroom is in this place? I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.”
He’s also wearing some seriously tacky Man Bling on his finger and neck.
“Real Men” apparently wear insanely ugly jewelry . . .
Hey, maybe Bonnie has decided to go clubbing, after all! She notices that Klaus’ Man Bling would look TOTALLY AWESOME with her shiny gold-plated halter top, and black leather jacket. Should she take them? The Whispers say go for it! Klaus won’t need jewelry where he’s going.
“My Preciousssss!”
Bonnie reaches down to take the jewelry. Bad girl! Someone grabs her from behind. Now, she’s really going to get it! No one has ever stolen Man Bling from the Original Hybrid, and lived to tell the tale. At home on the couch, TVD fans hold their breaths, awaiting her witchy demise . . .
Or not . . .
You see, Bonnie was just dreaming . . . But you probably already knew that, didn’t you? You sly little fangbanger, you!
“Great, now I have to pee like a racehorse . . .”
“Hey, Hot Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Wanna Race?”
While Bonnie’s still in Dreamland, our girl Elena is out kicking ass, and taking names.
Actually, she’s jogging. And yet, given Elena’s track record with vampires, werewolves, hybrids and other assorted demons, I kind of think learning how to run away is a much better use of her time, don’t you think? Of course, there’s only one problem: HUMANS CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM SUPERNATURAL CREATURES . . .
“Doh!”
Speaking of the aforementioned OBVIOUS premise, I think it’s kind of funny that, after finishing her 5K race, or, however, long it is that our girl jogs, Elena looks at her stop watch, and gives herself a mental pat on the back for her improved speed.
You can almost hear her saying in her head. “I finished in 25 minutes. That’s 30 seconds faster than last time! That means I should now be able to run a full 30 seconds, before whatever vampire is chasing me that week chews my legs off . . . or whatever . . .
Elena’s self-congratulatory mood is short-lived however, because someone is jogging behind her. He’s kind of hot . . . but not Damon hot, or Tyler hot . . . just normal run-of-the-mill hot. He is also wearing the Blue Hoodie of Death, and has Senseless Kill of the Week written all over him.
“Hey . . . is that guy looking at my ass? He better not be looking at my ass.”
Elena knows that none of these things are good signs. She starts to panic. But maybe she’s just being paranoid? He could just be a Random Running Guy, right? Elena breathes a sigh of relief.
Then, she remembers what television show she’s on, and starts running like hell . . .
At home, we’re counting the seconds before This Guy goes into warp speed and chews off Elena’s legs. But he just keeps following her at regular speed . . . no . . . scratch that . . . slow speed . . . Elena’s kicking his ass. This guy’s a chump!
And then . . . like that . . . he’s gone.
So, you can imagine Elena’s surprise when he comes back again IN THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION from where we last saw him. He bumps into Elena on purpose, while mumbling apologies about how he should really watch where he’s going.
“Has anybody ever told you that you have a great ass?”
At this point, Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” starts playing in my head, “All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, run, run, out-run my hybrid . . .”
That’s how the song goes, isn’t it?
Three Cheers for the Klaus-ageddon!
Later, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Bonnie and Elena are swapping stories about their CRAZZZY mornings.
I just keep wondering where Caroline is during all this? Don’t they realize that Caroline’s boyfriend just became Gay for Klaus, and she’s in an Extremely Vulnerable State, right now? They couldn’t have asked her to come along for their little breakfast session? HOW RUUUUUDE!
“Don’t mess with me. I eat girls like you for breakfast. No . . . seriously . . . for breakfast this morning, I ate a girl that looked just like you.”
Speaking of rude, Bonnie, who has NO TACT, WHATSOEVER, decides that this is the perfect time to bring up He Who Shall No Longer Be Named, a.k.a. Stefan. “He betrayed us. The Stefan we know is gone,” replies Elena, in a voice that says, “Keep on this subject, and I’ll start asking you about Luka. Remember him, Bon-Bon?”
By the way, did you all notice how Elena said “us” . . . as in “Damon and I are an “us” now. Get used to it?” Because, I certainly did. 😉
Speaking of Damon, I think it’s adorable (in a highly dysfunctional way) that my TV Boyfriend is such a raging alcoholic that the bartender basically puts an entire shelf full of liquor in front of him, so that he can mix his own drinks at his leisure, despite the fact that it’s probably about 11 a.m. in TVD-land . . .
Damon’s kind of bummed though, because Boy Toy Alaric is being a TOTAL kill joy, and not drinking with him. LAME! So, Damon tries to entice him . . . first with his baking skills (“I’ve got a screw driver, and a bloody mary. It’s brunch in a bottle”), and then with his sexual wiles (“Let’s get naked.”)
Come on, Chunky Monkey! Don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud. Get naked with your bromantic buddy. It’s not like we all haven’t seen it before . . .
But alas, Alaric is in no mood for sex games with Damon. He’s seriously bummed out, because he had to fail Jeremy on a plagiarized history paper. Damn! That’s cold. I thought the whole point of having a history teacher as your pseudo dad is so you can get straight A’s?
Apparently, Alaric is skulking at the bar, in order to perform his first of many interventions on his errant not-so-son (seriously, the Scooby Gang must have spent at least ten minutes during this hour Waiting for Jeremy), as soon as the latter arrives at work. Not so fast, No Longer Alchy-ric! Sexy Female Bartender says Jer Bear got canned from The Only Bar / Social Establishment weeks ago.
Ruh-roh! I guess this means Matt Donovan is going to have to go back to being the Only Waiter at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls again . . .There goes your social life, Matty Boy!
But don’t worry. You still have your sister and your mom to hang out with . . . oh . . . wait . . . never mind . . .
“Let’s get drunk and shoot some stuff . . .”
Speaking of Naughty!Jeremy, he’s out in the woods with Tyler, boning drinking cheap beer, and shooting stuff with crossbows. (How very hillbilly of them!)
“Hey Ty, after this, are you up for some cow-tipping?”
Much like the rest of us, Jeremy wonders out loud, why Tyler is suddenly so interested in hanging out with him, considering that the two of them have had virtually nothing to do with one another, since that time back in Season 2, where Tyler’s dad just died, and Jer Bear and Ty-Ty discovered that they both liked to draw supernatural creatures, drink booze, and screw slutty soon-to-be-dead girls . . .
Tyler responds that “Since you are leaving the show for a while, the writers thought it might be nice to throw those much-neglected Team Jyler fans a mildly homoerotic bone, while they still could. “I’m pissed at Caroline, and Bonnie dumped your ass . . . the point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.”
Oh Tyler! How you slay me with your eloquent wordsmith-ery! It almost makes me forget that you are about to RUIN THIS POOR BOY’S LIFE, FOREVER . . . almost.
Now, don’t even try looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of yours. Because it’s just not going to work . . .
Jeremy instructs Tyler to get out of the way, since he’s drunk and is about to “shoot stuff,” just like Tyler said. But Tyler’s all, “Heyyyy . . . I’m a hybrid. Why not shoot me? Come on! I know you wanna!”
Is it just me, or is Tyler particularly screencappable today? It’s almost as if becoming a hybrid has provided him with an entirely new range of facial expressions to try out . . .
In the first of many Helpful Hybrid Tips Tyler reveals throughout the episode, Vampy Teen Wolf explains that the only way to really kill a hybrid is to chop off it’s head, while it’s unconscious. Good to know . . .
Jeremy then shoots Tyler with the crossbow, and Tyler catches it. Bo-ring! I thought he was going to deflect it with his Massive Muscular Man Chest. Maybe next time . . .
Elena ponders the Epic Question that has plagued fangirl bloggers for years: What is Damon Salvatore’s Most Attractive Look?
“Oops . . . I cockblocked again.”
Back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, a slightly slurry but still maddenly gorgeous Damon has told Elena about Jeremy’s little Work Mishap, in between his fifth shot of scotch, and his second round of darts. (Fortunately, the drinks haven’t negatively impacted his aim or, as we will see soon enough, his pick-up lines.)
“If I’m this good at hitting a bullseye with a dart, just imagine how good I might be at locating other sensitive areas.”
Mama Elena, of course, is “very, very disappointed in Jer Bear,” and has been leaving increasingly frantic phone messages on his cell phone, as a result. Damon, however, seems completely unfazed. He tries to calm Elena down, by reminding her that Jeremy is a teenager . . . and that being sullen and sometimes irresponsible is simply what teens do.
“Elena, you seem so tense. I hereby renew the request I made earlier to Alaric, that we all get naked. I’ll go first.”
(I always find it interesting how much the rest of the Scooby Gang is constantly noting how young and impressionable Jeremy is, when he’s really only two years younger than Elena. After all, 16-years old, isn’t exactly a toddler, especially when you consider that Elena, herself, was just a year older than that, when the series started. The issue of Jeremy’s “youth” will come into play again, later on in the episode. So, stay tuned . . .)
Funny . . . he doesn’t look like he needs a diaper change . . .
Even when Damon seems carefree and tipsy, he’s always looking out for Elena, and trying to make her feel better about the admittedly horrible situations in which she seems to find herself on a nearly daily basis. He does this by lifting her spirits with flirty humor, and comforting words, disguised as nonchalant banter. It’s only when Elena’s truly distraught, that he allows himself to get serious with her, and let his true feelings show, as we will see later in the episode . . .
Elena is always looking out for Damon too . . . She just does it in a more obvious way. I like how Elena sees Damon joking around, and looking seemingly drunk and happy, but instinctively knows that he is smarting from his brother’s betrayal, while still missing him terribly, and hiding all this pain behind glibness and false bravado. “Are you OK?” She asks him, her brows furrowed, and her eyes filled with obvious concern (among other things) for this beautiful vampire.
“Are you OK because I don’t want you to be too drunk to ravish me in your bedroom, after we make out, later tonight?”
But Damon is no fool. He has no desire to rehash the Stefan Salvatore Saga with the woman he loves. And he’s much too selfless, at least when it comes to her, to bring her down, by recounting his own personal woes. Instead, he uses this as an opportunity for flirtation.
Damon confidently strolls into Elena’s personal space, and inquires which of his many looks she finds the most attractive, since she admitted that his Drunken Frat Vampire visage isn’t her “favorite.” Flustered, Elena quickly counters that she doesn’t necessarily find any of his looks attractive. However, the way she’s staring at his lips, and pawing at his chest, when she says it, makes me think that, even as she denies it, Elena is mentally perusing a catalogue of her favorite Damon Looks, in order to choose the most erotic one.
“Pick ME, Elena . . . pick ME!”
Now, I’m no mind reader, of course. But my guess is that THIS is the look she ultimately chose . . .
As with most sexy Delena moments, this one gets cockblocked by Klaus, who seems to be enjoying the Delena Show just as much as the rest of us. “Don’t mind me,” he says with a smirk, as he approaches the Dartboard of Looooooove . . .
“Damon, my brother . . . you better hit that, soon. Because if you don’t, I will . . .”
Klaus hasn’t shown up alone, though. He’s got his good pal The Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid with him . . . Soon-to-be-Headless has a name, apparently. It’s “Tony.” I’m just choosing not to remember it. (I mean, why bother, right?) Damon’s left nipple has had more screen time than this guy will ever have on TVD . . . He did have a cute head, though . . .
“Coincidentally, Damon’s left nipple also happens to be named ‘Tony.'”
As always, Klaus has a special request for his favorite couple. He wants them to help him find his sister, and Grave Robbing Stefan. If they do that, he’ll be a good little Mystic Falls neighbor, and leave them alone . . . well . . . at least until he needs Elena’s blood again to make more hybrid minions. Something tells me he’ll have at least one less of those by the end of the episode . . .
As for Elena, she has absolutely no interest in getting in the middle of the b*tch fight between her ex-boyfriend, and his new boyfriend . . .
“That sounds to me like a Klaus and Stefan Problem,” Elena says smartly. (Damon’s right. She does get feisty, when she’s angry.)
Klaus, however, considers himself way too important to get himself sassed by a mere human. He moves closer to her, in order to show her who’s boss. But then THIS happens . . .
That’s right, boys and girls, Damon shoulders his way between Klaus and Elena, and gives Klaus THE STARE. Watch out Bad Ass Damon . . . your chivalry is showing!
One of my favorite Klaus moments in the episode was when he giggled at Damon’s obvious show of affection for Elena. I know that part of him sees this as a weakness of Damon’s that he can exploit. But I strongly suspect that another part of him just sees it as really hot . . .
“This is me broadening the scope,” responds Klaus to Elena’s retort, before exiting stage left.
Well played you adorable, curly-haired, villain, you!
Somebody call an interior decorator (or an exorcist) . . .
Elsewhere, Bonnie return to Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew . . . a.k.a. home of The Whispers. Honestly, you would think that a house inhabited by a bunch of ghostly witches would be more aesthetically pleasing. The resale value must be next to nada. HGTV would most definitely not approve.
Behold . . . a house that only a dead person could love.
Bonnie is only mildly surprised to learn that Stefan (who’s still looking all cold and Ripper-y, despite his recent de-compulsion by Klaus) has been living here. Quite a step down from La Casa de Rich and Awesome, I’d say! Not to mention the fact that he used to share a mansion with one person. Now he’s sharing a two-bedroom colonial with four staked Originals, and a bunch of dead witches, who are perpetually on the rag . . .
“Damon, let me move back in and I promise I will never make fun of your massive bath soap collection again.”
Stefan wants Bonnie to use a spell to help keep the coffins hidden from Klaus. Bonnie is uncertain she has enough nosebleeds left in her to do this . . .
It’s Time for Hybrids 101, with your Trusty Professor, Tyler Hotpants . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Alaric and Elena are waiting in the kitchen to attempt their second Jer Bear intervention. But when Jeremy finally arrives home, he’s all “Not without My Tyler.” Suddenly, Mr. Gay for Klaus, himself, has been invited inside the Gilbert home. And guess who’s sticking around for dinner?
“Hey, do you mind if I use your neck for a few seconds? I haven’t fed all day.”
Clearly speaking for the TVD fandom, Alaric wonders out loud what exactly the difference is between being Klaus’ “sire” and doing everything he says, and being compelled to do whatever Klaus says . . .
“Yes Master, I will absolutely color coordinate with you, the next time we go out to pick up chicks.”
At first, Tyler is actually pretty convincing in his support of siring. Tyler explains that he “obeys” Klaus, because he feels indebted to him for saving him from a life of painful monthly transformations, and, of course, mortality. He also assures the Gilbert clan that he’s still his own man, and can disobey Klaus whenever he feels like it. It’s kind of like a crack junkie, who says, “I can stop whenever I want. I just choose not to do so.”
But as convincing as Tyler’s initial arguments might have been, he shoots himself in the foot by admitting that he would rip his heart out of his chest, if Klaus asked him nicely to do it . . .
So, let me get this straight, Ty-Ty. You are forever indebted to Klaus for saving your life . . . so indebted, in fact, that if he asked you to KILL YOURSELF, you would do it? I don’t know . . . that sounds a heck of a lot like compulsion to me . . .
Oh, and Tyler? Elena and Alaric are TOTALLY judging you, now . . .
Damon finds a new drinking buddy . . .
Back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Klaus has just let himself in, completely uninvited. By now, the whole notion that this house is owned by Elena, and therefore, no one can be invited in, unless she says so, has been completely forgotten in TVD land. Damon might as well open a Bed-in-Breakfast, considering all the supernatural creatures, who come and go as they please. They don’t call it the Salvatore Boarding House, for nothing . . .
Klaus has come to drink with Damon, flirt with him shamelessly, b*tch about Stefan, and, of course, re-issue his offer to stop cock blocking Damon and Elena, and killing off their friends, provided the couple help him locate his pretty little coffins. Unfortunately for Klaus, Damon would probably respond much better to compulsion than flirtation, as he seems to be the only male character on this show who’s completely immune to the Original Hybrid’s unique charms.
But Klaus can’t compel Damon, because Damon’s been drinking vervain. So, instead the Big Bad Vamp metaphorically waves his weiner at his younger nemesis, by making a Mysterious Phone Call, in which he instructs SOMEONE to do SOMETHING he told them to do earlier . . .
SPPOOOOOKKKYYY . . .
Always look both ways before crossing the street (or responding to a hypnotic phone call) . . .
In a scene that is extremely reminiscent of the one from Plan B, in which Katherine compelled Useless Aunt Jenna by phone to stab herself in the chest, after dinner, we see Jeremy in the corner, engaged in a clandestine conversation. After he hangs up the phone, Jeremy sits back at the kitchen table, as if nothing happened.
But moments later, when Mama Elena and Papa Alaric stupidly turn their back on Jeremy to wash dishes, and make fun of Tyler, and his silly Sire-y Ways, Jer Bear takes off his Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality and walks out into the street, looking like the Hottest Zombie Ever!
He then dazedly stands in the middle of the road and waits for a car to come and run him over into oblivion. Now, last I checked, Elena lives in a suburban development, where the speed limit in front of her house is probably a whopping 25 mph. You would think, at that slow speed, someone might notice a teenage boy standing in the middle of the road, like a moron.
Death Car for Cutie
A-ha! But Klaus took care of that too! Because, sure enough Busy Bee, Soon-to-be Headless Hybrid is cruising on the street at about 90 mph. (Annnnd . . . now we know why Jeremy had to take off his ring. If a HUMAN drove the car into him, the ring wouldn’t save him. But because Soon-to-be Headless did it, it’s considered a Supernatural Death. Well, technically, the compulsion is supernatural too and . . . nevermind.)
Fortunately, Alaric, who, as we all know, has been holding on to the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality that Uncle / Father John gave Elena, back in “The Hybrid,” jumps in front of the car just in time to push Jeremy out of the way. The good news is that he saves Jeremy’s life . . .
The bad news is that Alaric is dead . . . for now . . .
In a rather unnecessary “I told you so,” moment, Elena informs a very shaken-up Jeremy that (1) he’s been compelled by Klaus to kill himself; and (2) his so-called good buddy Tyler has only been hanging out with him, so that he could compel him off vervain. Way to rub salt in the wound, Elena . . .
Like the compelled suicide attempt itself, this aspect of Klaus’ plan is also similar to Katherine’s from “Plan B.” If you recall, Katherine posed as Elena, in order to get Jenna to stop taking vervain . . .
So, while Klaus gets an “A” for deviousness. He gets a “C” for originality. Sorry, Original Hybrid!
Elsewhere, Klaus is busy building his future Mystic Falls home, (which, honestly, I thought would be much bigger), when Tyler arrives MORALLY OUTRAGED by what Klaus almost succeeded in doing to Jeremy, and the part he played in it. (Seriously, Tyler, you made the dude stop taking vervain, in the service of someone who HATES his family. What exactly did you think was going to happen?)
Klaus calmly tells Tyler, more or less, to man-up. (hybrid-up?) “You need to get over your conscience. Human life is a means to an end,” Papa Bear explains patronizingly to Baby Bear.
I love how Klaus refers to a “conscience” as something you can simply “get over,” like a head cold, or a bad stomach flu . . .
Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert house, Damon has, once again, come to Elena’s aid. “How’s [Alaric]?” He asks, with obvious concern for his bromantic drinking buddy.
“He’s still dead,” replies Elena conversationally.
If you recall, the first few times Alaric died, wearing his ring, he came back to life, within mere minutes. But, back in “Disturbing Behavior,” when Damon killed him, it seemed to take at least an hour. This time, Alaric is dead for multiple hours, and experiences additional complications that I will address in just a bit. No word yet, on why Alaric’s ring seems to be offering it’s wearing increasingly diminishing returns. Perhaps, even when it comes to Magical Rings, there’s a limit to how many “Get Out of Death Free” cards, a person is entitled to use . . .
‘This is depressing . . . I need another drink.”
Leaving Alaric to . . . um . . . rest in peace, Damon and Elena discuss their respective plans to finally rid Klaus from their lives for good. Elena wants to return Rebekah to Klaus, so that he can undagger her. But Damon won’t hear of it. He hates the idea of Rebekah seeking vengeance against Elena, considering that Elena is the one who staked her, in the first place. As for Damon’s plan, he wants to give Klaus back his precious coffins, if only he knew where they were . . .
Remembering Bonnie’s dream, Elena thinks she knows exactly where to look, and calls Bonnie to confirm . . .
But before Elena and Damon can head off on their Next Big Kill Klaus Plan, Little Bro Jer has some haunting parting words for them both: “None of us are going to make it out of here alive,” he warns.
(By the end of the episode, of course, we know that for certain, that Jeremy’s words aren’t entirely true, considering that ONE person gets out of Mystic Falls, very much alive. But could this possibly be a foreshadowing of Elena eventually being turned into a vampire? Stay tuned . . .)
Over the River and Through the Woods . . .
So, remember last season, when Damon tried to enter Lame Emily’s Ugly House of Witchcraft and Mildew, for the first time?
Well, apparently, female witches are quite good at holding grudges, because they are still up to their same shenanigans, when Damon tries to enter the house, this time. My only question is, why are they still so Pro Stefan, especially considering what a major douche he’s become, of late . . .
At first, Damon waits outside, while Elena tries to talk some sense into Stefan. “Bonnie sucks at keeping secrets,” Stefan pouts, when Elena admits to knowing exactly why Stefan is there and what he’s doing.
I’ll admit, I’m a bit shocked when Elena tells Stefan that Klaus will KILL Jeremy, if he doesn’t put an end to this vendetta, and Stefan barely bats an eyelash. “That’s not my problem,” he says callously.
WOW! Even Compelled Zombie Ripper Stefan wasn’t this cold! Considering that Stefan claims to be doing all this to save his own brother, you would think he would be more sympathetic to Elena’s desire to do the exact same thing. I’m glad when she finally slaps him. He’s had that one coming to him for quite awhile, now . . .
Having heard everything that went on inside Ugly House, Damon grabs hold of Elena’s hand to comfort her over what she’s just endured. “You deal with your brother, and I’ll deal with mine,” Damon assures Elena, sweetly, offering her that sad half smile, he seems to reserve exclusively for her . . .
Fighting the torturous sunburn he’s getting, Damon rushes into the house to talk to Stefan . . . and, of course, by “talk” I mean “beat up.” I kind of feel like Damon and Stefan fight with one another the way other brothers hug, or give eachother Manly Back Pats. And when they stake one another, it’s like their own super secret handshake . . .
During the fighting, grunting, staking, and de-staking, Damon cleverly manages to throw his brother out of the Ugly Witch House, before he starts to look like a cast member on the Jersey Shore. But before they can discuss anything else, Damon has one question he’s been dying to ask his brother since before the hiatus, namely: “Why didn’t you just let Mikael kill Klaus, Ya MORON?”
“I did it to save YOU,” Stefan admits in a way that is surprisingly sheepish, and heartfelt, especially considering the icy way he dealt with Elena earlier.
Elena is absolutely right. Damon truly is the key to Stefan’s humanity. Right now, he’s the only one to whom the latter is willing to show that he still has it. Honestly, the whole fight scene was kind of hilarious (yet oddly sexy), as was Damon’s occasional bratty remarks, like “No wayyyyyy,” and “STOP SAVING ME!”
Once they are done trying to temporarily kill one another, Damon and Stefan eventually come to a truce. “In order to defeat Klaus, you need to be cutthroat and devious,” Damon explains to his little brother. “I am so much better at that than you.”
Stefan does not necessarily disagree. The brothers ultimately agree that they will work together (along with Bonnie) to keep the coffins from Klaus, provided Elena has no part in their plan.
*insert girly growling noises here*
It’s nice to know that Stefan still has some concern for Elena’s well being. And it’s interesting to see how, now, the shoe is on the other foot. Back in “Rose,” Damon compelled Elena to forget his love declaration for her, because he thought that Stefan was “better for her.”
Now, it’s Stefan who’s keeping his distance from Elena, and continuously pushing her away, at least partly, because he knows that Damon will love and protect her, no matter what . . .
As for the coffins, they’ve been hiding in the Ugly Witch House the entire time, only becoming visible when the witches want them to be seen. (Well, at least there’s ONE person those vengeful witches seem to hate more than Damon . . . Klaus). Toward the end of the episode, Bonnie notes that if The Whispers are right, one, in particular, will be the key to Klaus’ undoing. It’s the fourth coffin, the only one that DOESN’T contain an Original Family Member within it. Could this coffin be the one that houses the First Petrova?
Everything Comes to a Head . . . Literally
They say that the definition of “stupidity” is doing the same thing multiple times, and continuing to expect different results. That was exactly what I thought about, when I saw Jeremy once again trying to shoot Tyler with a crossbow, and Tyler once again, catching it. I don’t know. Perhaps, this was just Jeremy’s unique way of “breaking up” with Tyler. No more sex in the champagne room for these two!
Nonetheless, Tyler still obviously has enough of a soul, and independent spirit to want Jeremy stay alive. And for that reason, Tyler warned him that he should stay in his house, because Klaus wasn’t finished with him yet . . .
Back at the Gilbert House, Alaric is FINALLY coming back to life . . . That’s the “good news.” The bad news is that he’s coughing up blood, and somehow still near death’s door. Apparently, while the Ugly Ass Ring of Immortality has kept his heart beating, it hasn’t bothered to cure his injuries, thereby making it the Lazy Ass Ring of Immortality.
At this rate, a friggin crossbow would be more effective at protecting Alaric than his ring . . .
A frantic Elena calls the ambulence. But by the time they arrive, someone else is there compelling them to leave. Surprise! It’s Soon-to-be-Headless Hybrid! Seriously, Klaus? Again? This is like on that show Punk’d, when all the pranks starred that same Dax guy for about five seasons, and Ashton Kutcher wondered why suddenly none of the celebrities were being fooled anymore. If Klaus supposedly has all these fabulous sired hybrids, why the heck does he keep using this same one?
“Howdy . . .”
Anywhoo . . . Soon-to-be-Headless tells Elena that, now that the ambulence is gone, Alaric’s only shot at survival is to invite the hybrid inside, and let Alaric drink his blood. I guess this would make Alaric a plain-old vampire, since only Klaus, himself, could make hybrids, and Alaric was never a werewolf. Elena seems torn, having been in a not-entirely-different situation to Alaric herself, not long ago.
Fortunately, however, she doesn’t have to make that choice for Alaric, because Soon-To-Be-Headless was just crossbowed. That’s right. Jeremy is BACK, baby! But wait, he hasn’t finished with the hybrid yet. Striding into the house, like it’s no big THANG, Jeremy reemerges on the porch with a meat cleaver and hacks off Now-Actually-Headless’s skull, as easily as if he’s cutting through butter.
Now, admittedly, this is not the most realistic rendition of a decapitation. In real life, Jeremy would probably have to spend an hour methodically chipping at this guy’s neck, to get through the skin alone. But that’s OK. Because, while this may have been the fakest Head Chop EVER, it was also the sexiest. I mean, can you imagine getting turned on by decapitation? I can . . . now! Heck, even the blood splatters on Jeremy’s face, upon finishing the job are hot!
They look kind of like freckles . . .
Elena doesn’t necessarily think so, though. She’s choking back tears . . . not necessarily because she gives two sh*ts about Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid. Nope, she’s merely mourning the loss of Jeremy’s innocence. Oh honey, you forget that Jeremy once dated Vicki Donovan. I hate to break it to you, Big Gilbert, but that Innocence Ship sailed away a LOOOOONG time ago . . .
Paging, Dr. Fell . . .
At the hospital, Alaric’s doctor is Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill. No, I’m sorry, I mean, Psychotic B*tch Sister Melissa from Pretty Little Liars. OMG, how am I supposed to trust this woman, when every single solitary role she takes, her character ends up being a totally evil wackadoo. (She’s also Paul Wesley’s real-life wife. Go figure!)
Anywhoo, Doctor Not-Crazy-Nanny-Carrie and Not-Psychotic-B*tch-Sister-Melissa is super flirty with Alaric. She’s also super intrigued by his miraculous healing abilities and wants to study him in a lab. (Not the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard . . . but I’ve certainly heard better.)
Dr. Fell’s “game” improves a bit, when she asks Alaric if he has a guardian angel, or he “sold his soul to the devil.” Alaric’s clever reply, “a little bit of both,” actually describes Damon Salvatore to a tee, don’t you think?
But more important than her flirting abilities, perhaps, is the “good” doctor’s name. Dr. Fell wants Alaric to call her by her first name: Meredith. Intrepid TVD book fans will recall that “Meredith” was Book Elena’s smart, sardonic, dark-haired, and olive-complexioned “other best friend,” aside from Bonnie. They will also recall that “Meredith” dated the vampire hunter / history teacher, Alaric Saltzman throughout most of the series.
So, is this the TVD writers way of FINALLY introducing this character — who by the way, was a real fan favorite — into the television series? Well, that remains to be seen. Torrey Devitto definitely “looks” the way Meredith was described in the books (though she’s about ten years older). But I just don’t trust her . . . and if she’s a character I can’t trust, she’s NOT Book Meredith. Sorry Crazy Nanny Carrie . . .
A “fair trade” . . .
In a scene and plotline that was surprisingly reminiscent of Elena’s decision to go against both Salvatore’s wishes, and un-dagger Elijah, so that he could help her kill Klaus, Elena decides to invite Klaus into her home . . .
. . . and offer him the not-particularly-dead Staked Rebekah, in exchange for a promise of Jeremy’s continued safety. Before Klaus can accept the bargain, Elena lets him know two important pieces of information: (1) Elena, as we know was the one who staked Rebekah. So, if Klaus still needs Elena, for her blood, or just for leverage, Klaus will have to keep Rebekah from killing the Petrova Doppelganger. (2) Rebekah knows that Klaus killed their mother.
Klaus ultimately accepts the terms of Elena’s deal, but still wants Elena to help him find Stefan. Elena hasn’t turned her back on her former beau quite enough yet to reveal his whereabouts to Klaus. She does let the Original Hybrid, however, that there is no longer any love lost between the pair. “Stefan doesn’t care about me, anymore,” she explains resolutely. “You turned him into a monster, and now he’s your problem.”
Recognizing that Stefan is no longer a sufficient bargaining chip to auction in exchange for Elena’s loyalty, and that Jeremy is now off the table, Klaus reminds Elena that he can still kill other people she loves, like Caroline, Bonnie, or . . . . wait for it . . . DAMON!
NOOOOOOO!
Needless to say, Klaus threat was a highly effective one . . .
Someone’s in the kitchen with Elena . . .
Speaking of Damon, back at the Gilbert house, he chivalrously agrees to dispose of Now-Actually-Headless Hybrid’s body, while Elena frantically scrubs at her bloody hands. (Why are you’re hands so bloody, Elena? And don’t say it’s from “cleaning the porch,” because I don’t buy it. Did you soak them in the Poor Guy’s disembodied skull?)
Back in “Homecoming” Elena took a very angry, betrayed, drunk, and frightened, Damon’s face in both of her hands, and told him him that they would survive whatever Klaus through their way . . . together. Now, in “The New Deal,” Damon is returning the favor. His “are you all right?” absolutely echoes Elena’s own words to him, earlier in the episode.
And the way Damon pulls Elena’s shaking body and tear-stricken face toward his own and promises her that he will fix things for her, and her increasingly dysfunctional family says so much about what these two individuals mean to one another, and the way each lifts the other up, when they are feeling particularly weak and vulnerable . . .
(Sidenote: I noticed that, while Elena immediately admitted to giving up Rebekah to Klaus, Damon, though clearly torn about it, kept his alliance with Stefan from Elena. Presumably, Elena still thinks Damon agrees with her about giving up the coffin. I just hope this little white lie doesn’t come back to bite Damon in the butt later, especially considering the AMAZING place these two finally have reached in their relationship . . .)
For your own good . . .
How interesting that both Klaus and Elena “give up” their younger siblings, purportedly for their own good, and to “keep them safe,” but possibly for selfish reasons as well. Klaus shows some surprisingly vulnerability when he de-stakes Rebekah in the house he has built in order to reunite with his family. He watches her hand twitch back to life with excitement and anticipation.
But then he remembers Elena’s words. I think Klaus re-stakes Rebekah, because he doesn’t want to face the way she will look at him, now that she knows he has killed their mother. He fears her disappointment . . . her accusations . . . and her judgments. So, while, I’m sure a part of him keeps Rebekah daggered to “protect” her from those who would use her against him, a larger part of him does it to protect himself . . .
Back at the Gilbert house, Damon finds Jeremy in Elena’s bedroom and tells him that his sister thinks it’s time the two of them had another one of their talks. He’s surprisingly paternal about it, just as he was the first time Damon compelled Jeremy, in order to make him forget the circumstances surrounding Vicki’s death. Damon’s compulsion here has the same effect, more or less. It takes away Jeremy’s pain, and leads him to Denver for a new life . . . one that is free from supernatural threats . . . one that will most likely not require him to chop off some hybrid’s head to save his family.
But Damon also takes away Jeremy’s natural concern for the well-being of his sister, and that troubled me a bit. Aside from my not wanting to see the character go, I’m just not sure how long compulsion like that could stick. How many times will Jeremy brush off inquiries about his family back home, before he starts to wonder himself, whether something is missing from his life? Perhaps, this was done on purpose to allow Steven R. McQueen to return to the show at a later date . . .
I hope so, because I feel like this story is not over. By having Damon compel Jeremy, she kept him safe, but she also removed his free will, and treated him like a child. She did the exact same thing she criticized Damon for doing to her, when he force fed her his own blood, back in “The Last Day.” Of course, she did it out of love . . . but I think she also did it to help herself feel a sense of control in the crazy world in which she was living, and to free herself from guilt . . .
And it’s this familial “guilt” that plays a big role in this episode’s epic finale . . .
These lips were made for Ambush Kissing . . .
Back at the end of Season 1, there was a kiss that took place on the Gilbert Porch. It preceded a speech, in which Damon thanked a person he “thought” was Elena, for making him into a better person, and for seeing him as someone who was worth saving. And though that person actually ended up being “Katherine,” staunch Delena fans adopted the scene was one of their own, hoping upon hope that it would be revisited, one day . . . and that, this time, it would be REAL . . .
Two years later, we got our wish, but with some crucial differences. This time, it’s Elena who’s thanking Damon for being there for her . . . for seeing her as someone who is worth saving . . . for making her feel like a better person, even when she’s making morally ambiguous decisions.
Elena, who wasn’t actually on the porch that last time, doesn’t see the parallel between this scene, and the last one. But Damon does. And it’s Elena’s thankfulness that Damon is alive, that reminds him of how Elena was the person who kept him alive on Founder’s Day, but Stefan kept him alive during “Homecoming,” This makes Damon feel guilty enough to admit to Elena that Stefan hasn’t totally turned off his emotions, and that his continued vitality is at least somewhat responsible for the danger in which all of them are currently enmeshed.
This expression of guilt causes Elena to wonder, once again, whether Stefan is really lost forever. However, it causes Damon to feel guilt about something else, entirely, his love for Elena. But this time, Damon isn’t going to relive the unrequited heartache of “Rose.” He’s not going to be “selfless” by compelling Elena to forget his kiss . . . his love for her. Rather, he’s going to own up to the strong feelings he’s felt for this woman for two years now . . . feelings he’s finally starting to see, might be returned.
Damon’s kiss in “Founder’s Day,” was sweet and tentative. His kiss here is intense, decisive, passionate, and filled with two years worth of pent-up emotion. More importantly, Elena kisses him back! Watch as she grabs the hand he has cupped on her cheek, in order to pull Damon closer, and prolong this beautiful and delicious moment between them . . .
Now, while I would have loved for Elena to have been the one to pull Damon into a kiss, the first time he walked off that porch, in some ways, this was more meaningful, given Damon’s history of always giving up Elena for the greater good. His manning up to his love for her, will hopefully give her the swift kick in the ass she needs to make the next move.
The song that’s playing during this scene is called “Holding on and Letting Go,” by Ross Cooperman. While Damon and Elena are kissing the lyrics talk about one door swinging closed, and another door swinging open. Now, of course, this could refer to any number of things that happened throughout the episode: Alaric’s growing mortality, Tyler’s realization of Klaus’ hold on him, Klaus’ re-staking of Rebekah, Jeremy’s departure, Damon’s and Stefan’s truce . . . but personally, I’m hoping it refers to the state of Elena’s heart . . .
On that note, check out the extended promo for next week’s episode entitled “Our Town” . . . (bad segway, I know) . . .
As for our friends in Canada, I’m actually a bit less impressed with the Canadian promo, this time around. Aside from that “car scene,” which the CW had already released, there isn’t much here, that we didn’t see in the promo above. Nevertheless, here you go . . .
Now, it’s your turn. Let me know what you thought about Jeremy’s departure, the Delena kiss, Tyler’s betrayal, Crazy Nanny Carrie’s arrival, Ripper Stefan 8.0, and anything else related to this fabulous show that I feel so lucky to have gracing my television screen, each week. Until next time, Fangbangers . . .
[A Note about the Gleecap for “Hold on to Sixteen.” It’s on it’s way, I PROMISE. Be on the lookout for it later this evening, December 8th. Sorry for being so very late! 😦 It’s been a crazy couple of days . . .]
“Hey Blair, I have an idea. Why don’t we NOT get in that death trap of a town car, and have sex right here instead? I mean, I love Limo Sex as much as the next guy. But, if you don’t mind, I’d REALLY rather not spend yet ANOTHER hiatus in a coma.”
Hey there, Upper East Siders (and assorted Brooklynites)! How are you guys doing? Are you holding up OK, after this week’s episode?
MONKEY: “Where’s my Chuck? I need to make a pee-pee!”
Because, I’m not . . .
Case in point: The title of this recap was originally: YOU LEAVE MY CHUCK BASS ALONE, YOU MEAN OLD GG WRITERS!
However, I thought that might be a bit spoilery, for those who hadn’t seen the episode yet, and were just innocently happening by this blog . . . so, I abstained. But seriously, they’ve really gotta stop trying to murder our BASS! Haven’t we been here before . . . like, say, about two seasons ago?
“Why is Josh Schwartz always picking on me?”
OK . . . OK . . . I know they probably aren’t going to kill him. But still, I have a right to be perturbed, don’t I . . . ESPECIALLY AS A CHAIR FAN?
But, as usual, I’m getting way ahead of myself here. So, let’s rewind a bit, shall we? The title of this recap comes from something Chuck said to Blair, during a very pivotal scene in this episode. And of course, it goes without saying, that it describes Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, over the past five years, to a tee . . .
But it also describes the various situations in which many of our other GG characters found themselves, this week. Like for example, Donut Dan, who chose the WORST MOMENT EVER to decide to come clean to a clearly distraught Blair about his feelings for her . . .
. . . and Serena, who chose the WORST POSSIBLE TIME in the season to decide she wants Dan back . . .
“Wait for Meeeeeee! I want to go to Brooklyn and eat pizza too! Unless it has carbs . . . Is there such a thing as carb-free pizza?”
. . . and Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, who decided to confess her true identity, at the exact moment when nobody really gave a sh*t. (Come to think of it, her timing is actually kind of brilliant, when you think about it.)
*insert evil laugh here*
. . . and finally, there’s Nate, who chose the WRONG TIME to piss off a suddenly evil politician / relative, not to mention the WRONG TOWN CAR . . .
Let’s start at the beginning . . .
Chuck is aroused. Blair is bloated. And both Dan and Serena are in need of a hairbrush . . .
The episode begins, fittingly enough, on the Upper East Side, around breakfast time. Bromantic Buddies, Chuck and Nate, are drinking coffee and flirting with eachother, as they sometimes do. Chuck admits, out loud, to Nate that the fact that the latter canceled a date with Mayor Bloomberg aroused him. (At which point, I admitted, out loud, to myself that Chuck aroused ME, when he said the word “aroused.” That voice . . . it’s pure sex, I tell you.)
Did I mention that Nate’s a “hard-hitting journalist,” now? Well, they’ve got the “hard” part right.
“Yee-HAW!”
Oh, GG! How you slay me with your unintentional humor!
Anywhoo, Nate is super jealous that Chuck is reading a rival tabloid newspaper. He wonders whether his boy toy is cheating on him with The Star or The National Enquirer. Fortunately, Chuck is doing no such thing. He’s simply reading about the love of his life / soulmate . . . and how she may be throwing out that cyborg fiance of hers, along with a vacuum clear, a toaster, and various other appliances that no longer work, and, therefore, need to be replaced . . .
He doesn’t care. Nope, not at all . . . not in the least bit.
After all, tabloids are for old ladies who collect ceramic cats. (Sorry Nate . . . and cats.)
And Blair would never really leave the robot father of her baby, WOULD SHE?
Speaking of Blair, it seems she’s finally gaining that baby weight we’ve all heard so much about. Now, her fingers are like kielbasas (says Dorota), and she can’t fit into Louis-bot’s RING OF DOOM. (Don’t worry Blair, I suspect there’s a ring sitting on the steps of Harry Winston that will fit MUCH BETTER.)
Of course, Blair can’t LEAVE the house, now. After all, if the paparazzi see her without her ring, they will be ALL OVER HER . . . kind of like this . . .
She also can’t take Dorota’s advice, i.e. say to Louis-bot, “Bippity Bobbity Boo, I will never leave you . . .”
Because . . . well, everyone who watches GG knows THAT’S A LIE . . .
Eventually, the paparazzi end up getting INTO Blair’s house, and snapping a picture of her, without her ring, ANYWAY. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And Blair decides to go to the one place, where even the sleaziest of reporters wouldn’t dare follow her . . . Humpty Humphrey’s apartment.
Yes, I know, Dan. You did something kind of awesome for my ship, this week. So, I should really be nicer to you, at least in the context of this particular recap. And I’m going to try . . . really I am. But I still think you have stupid Fozzie Bear hair . . .
Just sayin . . .
Speaking of the Donut, he starts the episode at the VDW house, bragging about the reprinting of his Dair fanfiction book, and griping about the TRAUMA of having to pen an Author’s Note Afterword, about how much has changed in his life, since he wrote it . . . you know, about three weeks ago.
“Dan fondled Blair’s heaving melons, while riding her like a pony. She screamed for joy at how bi . . . oh wait, you mean that’s NOT what you’re supposed to write in an Afterword?”
Since Dan and Serena are so often the targets of derision for snarkier, more quick-witted, characters — like Chuck and Blair — it was kind of refreshing to see them be so adept at making fun of eachother, for a change.
“Are you pretending that cup you are drinking from is Blair? Because, I’m pretending that this piece of fruit I’m about to eat is YOU.”
For example, I got a hearty laugh out of Dan’s astute observation that the probable reason that Serena was so attracted to Max McPoorPerson was that he’s a total nutbar, much like ALL of her other ex-boyfriends.
“Oh, wait . . . I dated Serena too. Whoops!’
This brother / sister banter / flirt session is interrupted briefly by some boring talk about Faux Charlie’s debutante ball, but continues later in Serena’s bedroom. (wink, wink).
Derena fanfiction starts here . . .
S and Humpty Humphrey both apologize for saying entirely truthful things to eachother in the kitchen. Then, Serena tells Dan that he should write his Afterword about how much his Dair fanfiction has changed everyone’s lives for the better . . . everyone that is except Serena and Dan (and their hair).
Dan continues this journey of self-introspection and navel gazing with Papa Rufus, who suggests that Dan “change,” by telling Blair that he has feelings for her. I don’t know, wouldn’t it be easier for him to just buy a new shirt, or something? (Because, I’m REALLY getting tired of all that plaid . . .)
That’s better . . .
Confessions, Epiphanies, and Pizza . . .
Meanwhile, Tripp pays Nate a visit. The scummy politician and Serena’s erstwhile boy toy becomes super jealous, when he learns that Grandpa invited Nate to a Fancy Party for Rich Old People, and Tripp was not invited.
“Whaaaa . . . but I LOVE RICH OLD PEOPLE! They always have the best drugs. It’s not fairrrrrr!”
Pouty Tripp takes this opportunity to drop TWO bomb shells on Nate.
Bomb Shell # 1 – Grandpa was behind the whole Campaign Leak thingy, from last week.
Bomb Shell #2 – Grandpa was behind getting Nate his cushy job at That Random Trashy Tabloid Paper, he now runs.
Seriously? Those have to be the lamest bombshells ever. EVERYBODY WITH HALF A BRAIN KNEW ALL THAT . . .
Well . . . almost everybody.
Nate confronts his Grandpoppy with all this NEW and SHOCKING information. And Pops basically says, “Yeah . . . obviously, I did all that! You think you’d actually be able to get a job like this (lame as it may be) by YOURSELF? You’re still in college, sweet cheeks. And nobody has ever even seen you attend a class.”
“By the way, Nate, since we are on the subject . . . I hate to tell you this, but the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny aren’t real either.”
Then, Grandpa tries to butter up Nate, by telling him that HE (not TRIPP) is now being groomed to lead “the Archibald / Vanderbilt family” into its bright, filthy rich, future . . . Heaven help them all. But Nate’s not buying it. And he doesn’t want to go to that stupid Old Person Party, either! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Grandpoopy!
Then, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena finds Nate looking sad. So, she gives him some pep talk about “being the person you want to be,” or some crap like that. Of course, if anyone knows about “being who you want to be,” it’s the Army Little Miss Multiple Personality Disorder, herself.
Oddly enough, it’s THIS speech, that ultimately changes Nate’s mind, and allows him to accept his destiny as . . . the kind of guy who goes to Rich Old People Parties . . .
Honestly, I just really like this picture, even though it has no relevance, whatsoever to what I just typed.
Speaking of Faux Charlie, Max McPoorPerson is still on her tail, begging for money, and telling anyone who WON’T listen, what a fraud she is, in hopes that he can sell her torrid story to the tabloids for some big bucks. But McPoorPerson finally strikes it “rich,” when he overhears Grandpoopy telling Tripp (in public, of course), that Nate’s the new FAMILY FAVORITE PET, not him. McPoorPerson then approaches, McUsedtoBeImportant, and they decide to help one another out . . .
“MWAH-HA-HA! I’ve McGot you now, Faux-Charlie!”
Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Serena is reading old Gossip Girl posts. Somehow, they convince her to fall in love with Dan again . . . basically, because he’s slightly less of a tool / manwhore than 98% of the other guy’s she’s dated in her lifetime.
Of course, she’s about half a season too late, considering Dan’s just decided he’s in love with Blair. WHOOPS! So, much for making “better romantic choices.” I don’t know, Serena. If you want love that badly, perhaps, you should consider getting a pet. You can’t have sex with it, but, if you’re extra nice, it WILL lick your face, on occasion. Hey, it worked for Chuck . . .
Sorry, Monkey. That comment wasn’t intended to imply anything un-kosher between you and Chuck. I’m just trying to help!
Around this time, Dan and Blair are in Brooklyn, eating pizza that makes Dan smell like onions. Blair admits to Dan how lost she is feeling over the whole “I really love Chuck, but the father of my child is a robot with poor language skills” issue. Dan suggests that Blair still has a choice as to which man she wants in her life (the Robot or the Dark Knight). He also lets her know that not all men consider Robot Babies a dealbreaker, in a relationship . . .
Dan’s words give Blair hope . . . or, if not hope, at least the strength to fight for her own happiness, and the happiness of her child. She calls Chuck.
Dan’s right. (I can’t believe I actually typed those two words.) There is definitely a kind of force field / psychic connection between Chuck and Blair. You can feel the tension between them, from the moment Chuck picks up the phone. The heartache . . . the history . . . the undying devotion . . . the immense magnitude of their love for eachother . . . it’s all there, in every word exchanged, and in each subtle gesture.
You can feel their pain, even as they try to joke blithely about how Blair somehow keeps ending up in Brooklyn. “This isn’t something Humphrey can help you with?” Chuck asks, feigning ambivalence.
“No . . . only you,” Blair replies resolutely, her voice breaking as she speaks. “Do you think you could love another man’s child?”
Chuck pauses, having heard the words he’s undoubtedly dreamed of Blair saying, ever since he first found out she was pregnant with Louis-bot’s spawn.
And yet, something is stopping him from telling her what she wants to hear. Chuck wants so badly to prove to himself that he is the good man that Blair needs him to be, even if being that person means breaking both of their hearts. “I can’t imagine it would be a mistake to marry the father of your child,” he ultimately says, sounding broken and defeated.
Of course, Blair is devastated. The two hang up the phone, at the same time, the air thick with the volumes of words unsaid between them.
Outside the apartment, Dan is on the phone with Serena. She called him, as soon as she saw the Gossip Girl blast that Blair was in Brooklyn. As it turns out, she’s super jealous concerned that Dan is going to make Blair even more miserable, and confused than she already is, by telling her HE’S in love with her too. Since, at this point in the game, Dan has plans to do precisely that, he basically tells Serena, to shut the eff up, and leave him to his fanfiction . . .
“Ooh, Serena . . . I have to call you back. Brooklyn has really bad cell phone reception. *blows into the phone and makes crackling noises* I . . . think I’m losing you.”
Cue the entrance of Louis-bot, randomly, into La Casa de VDW. “I jes woennn Blayerrr bick,” says Mr. Roboto. (a.k.a. “I just want Blair back.”) Bizarrely enough, Serena decides she actually wants to help Louis accomplish this task . . .
However, her reasons for doing this might be less than altruistic. OBVIOUSLY! In other words, I know strongly suspect that the only reason Serena wants Louis-bot to score with Blair, is to prevent Dan from scoring with Blair, so SERENA can score with Dan. Get it?
As it turns out, Serena needn’t have bothered with the cyborg. All it takes is for Dan to see the look on Blair’s face, after her phone call with Chuck. In an instant, he knows exactly who Blair loves, and what he needs to do about it. “I think I know how to make you happy,” says Dan.
And you know what? In this case . . . he absolutely DOES!
Wow, I sure am giving Humpty Humphrey a lot of compliments, this week. Clearly, we must have stepped into some sort of alternate universe . . .
While Dan is comforting Blair, Lily is doing the same for Chuck, who — let’s be honest — she always seemed to like a whole lot more than her own daughter . . . (How could she not? He’s CHUCK FRIGGIN BASS!)
Lily tells Chuck that she hopes that he gets the opportunity to feel that kind of unconditional love for someone else, someday. And, of course, we all know, that he has already succeeded in that . . .
“You should be with me”
It’s time for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s “coming out” party. I bet you forgot about that, because I sure did. Serena is there giving Louis-bot directions to Blair’s house. But by the time Louis-3PO gets there, Chuck is there too.
The only problem, of course, is that BLAIR isn’t there. She ran off SOMEWHERE . . . with Dan?
“Whatchu talkin about, Recapper?’
In the next scene, we see Dan bringing a blindfolded Blair to a room that’s pretty much the BIGGEST FIRE HAZARD ever. No wonder Blair thinks she’s been brought to a human sacrifice!
I think I read a fanfiction that started like this once . . . Oh yeah. It was called “Inside,” and written by a guy named Dan Humphrey.
But what Dan has for Blair is WAYYYY better than a human sacrifice (not to mention, less messy). It’s THIS GUY . . .
Yippee! This is the moment we’ve been waiting all season for. Get ready to let your inner fangirl go wild . . .
There’s so much I loved about this scene. First and foremost, I adored the way that Chuck included Blair’s baby in their romantic discussion, thereby cementing the threesome as a family unit. I also cheered when, after a season of hearing Chuck be politically correct about Blair’s relationship with Louis-bot, he FINALLY got up the courage to tell his Queen B that she belonged with HIM, not some stupid cyborg . . .
I loved Blair’s dig at Chuck’s poorly executed “unselfish” behavior, during their earlier phone conversation . . . and the cute guilty grin on Chuck’s face, when he admitted that “timing [had] never been [the couple’s] strong suit.” But, I think most of all, I loved THIS . . .
Meanwhile, at the lame debutante ball that no one really cares about, Faux-Charlie begins to fear that Max McPoorPerson might end up crashing her party, and selling her story to the tabloids. So, when she learns that Chuck and Blair are reuniting with one another, literally right down the hall, she quickly leaks the intel to Gossip Girl, like the asshat she is!
Also at the party, is Serena, who, upon learning what Dan did for Chuck and Blair, has a sweet heart -to-heart with the sad sacrificial jelly donut, during which she seems to fall deeper in love with him than before . . . Unfortunately, Dan’s way too depressed to notice . . .
“Wait . . . LET ME LOVE YOU, DAN! (I’ve been disease free for three whole days now.)”
Back in Chairytale land, Nate has conveniently stopped by, on the way to that Rich Old People Party, to put Chuck and Blair in a getaway car . . . the problem is . . . it’s the WRONG getaway car, as in the one that McPoorPerson and Tripp butchered, so Nate couldn’t get to the Rich Old People Party is randomly leaking gasoline all over the parking lot . . .
In the backseat with Chuck and Blair, we get a few more minutes of bliss, as the two lovers (and baby makes three) plot their escape from the evil Louis-bot, and vow to begin their new lives together, ASAP. But, first, some sexy kisses . . .
Nate is in the car behind them. He, of course, doesn’t think much of the fact that his driver believes he’s supposed to take him back to the Upper East Side (where Chuck and Blair were planning to go), and not to the airport . . . where he was originally headed. In Nate’s defense, he’s a bit distracted by shiny objects by the evil paparazzi on motorcycles, who are aggressively surrounding Chuck’s and Blair’s limo, in an eerie (and not particularly tasteful) reminder of Princess Diana’s untimely demise.
Back at the party, Faux Charlie gets a call from Max McPoorPerson, in which he unexpectedly explains that he is now Max McSortofWealthy, and is, therefore, leaving town.
Huh? But what about REVENGE? Isn’t that why McPoorPerson decided to stay, in the first place. I thought the money thing was just an added bonus. Didn’t you?
At first, there doesn’t seem to be any connection between what’s going on in the town cars, and this phone call. But then, Blair’s and Chuck’s limo gets run off the road by the paparazzi . . . we remember that it was leaking oil, not too long ago . . . and that Nate was supposed to be inside. Then, we remember McPoorPerson agreeing to help Tripp with his Granpoppy situation. And, suddenly, everything starts making a whole lot of tragic sense . . .
(By the way, for those of you who were wondering, Florence and the Machine’s “Heartlines” was the song playing during the scene leading up to the crash.)
The final moments of the episode, take place at the hospital. A furious Serena vows to take down Gossip Girl, for basically setting the paparazzi on Blair and Chuck, in the first place, and causing this mess. Faux-Charlie, who, of course, actually made the call to Gossip Girl, begins to feel incredibly guilty. This prompts her to tearfully come clean to Rufus about her identity (though I’m sure given all that’s going on, he barely registers the confession), and leave town, possibly until the hiatus is over for good.
I bet you are REALLY wishing someone would call you Serena now, aren’t you Charlie?
In a heartbreaking (not to mention, HORRIBLE) cliffhanger, we learn from Lily that, while Blair is awake and responsive, Chuck is in critical condition . . .
And while our eyes are too blurry with tears to comprehend any more information, we see Cougar Lady, Diana, receiving a call from Jack Bass, instructing her to return to New York . . . you know . . . because Chuck was in an accident . . . and because she’s clearly HIS LONG LOST MOM!
Not depressing enough for you? Check out the trailer for the first, post-hiatus episode . . .
I end this recap with Blair’s memorable and poignant words from the promo posted above: “Let [Chuck] live.” For the record, there is no doubt in my mind that he will do just that. After all, Chuck Bass is immortal. 🙂
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