The Definitive Ranking Of Root Vegetables

This stuff is terrible. It just waves its creepy little arms at you and tastes like nothing no matter what you do to it. I can already hear the kohlrabi lobby whining about how it's "not technically a root." Not important; what matters here is that kohlrabi needs to be put in its place, which is at the bottom of a list.

Look, I have EYES. I can tell this is not a vegetable. This is a small piece of tree.

The fact that humans found something that a) looks like a mummy's dong and b) tastes like spicy sawdust and were like WOW LET'S EAT IT really perfectly encapsulates the problem with humans.

For a vegetable whose name is only one letter away from "turn up," I would expect this to be a LOT more fun.

hehehehehehehe

Rutabagas: At least they're not turnips!

Jicama is very...crisp. And that's really all there is to say.

Points for the purple speckles, but everything else going on here is pretty ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everything about Jerusalem artichokes is intimidating in a cool way: The two-part name! The nubbly bits! You don't mess around with these.

Celery plants have a secret twisty root that's creepy as hell. Who knew?

Radishes look better than they taste, but they also taste good, so in this case it's just like when someone really nice and smart also happens to be hot.

It's like looking at the deep mysteries of the cosmos, contained in a single tuber.

Yes, beets taste like dirt, but this is not a problem. It is their greatest virtue. This root is a root of the earth. It is a gem of sweet minerality and nutritiousness and the only bad thing about it is that sometimes when you eat a bunch of beets and then poo you think you're hemorrhaging to death, but whatever, worth it.

I don't need to tell you about potatoes. You know about potatoes. They're fine.

wow

bet you didn't see that coming

bet you didn't know ginger counted as a root

BAM

Come on, they HUG EACH OTHER, what more do you need.

Like a potato, but sweeter.

Parsnips are a little bit sweet and a little bit nutty and when you roast them they have this great, sort of bouncy texture. A good mouthfeel, if you will. They feel good in the mouth. They are truly the unacknowledged queens of the root vegetable world.