Where we try to make it through the most unnecessary real estate story to ever to come out of the Grey Lady, by imagining one smug couple’s on “the hunt” to fit their new home entertainment system into a Manhattan penthouse, with Dick Wolf’d finest on the case.
Detective Benson: What are we dealing with here today, boys?
Detective Rollins: (Handing her a file) Meet Brad Chatellier, 42, world-traveler–get this, he takes wildlife photography…
Ice-T: …Like birds and shit?
Detective Rollins: …Sure. And captain, it gets better. So Mr. Chatellier’s got this nest over in Union Square that they’re renting for $7,000.
Benson: (Interrupting) Phew! Quite a nest! What’s it made out of, solid gold bricks? Wait, you said they..this guy got a little love bird living here?
Ice-T: Hmm…makes sense…She’s looking to stretch her wings, get a bigger place…though what’s the dimensions on this place?It’s 1,000 sq ft AND has ceilings high enough for a home entertainment center? In today’s market? Chatellier must have been pretty whipped to want move of this place.
Rollins: I’ll be sure to pass along your number to the Broker. She can even take you on a tour of the 1,000 sq ft wrap-around terrace.
Ice-T: Wait, that much to rent 1,000 square in Union Square? Shit. But come on, being dumb and rich ain’t a crime, is it?
Rollins: I’ll be sure to pass along your number to the broker. She can even take you on a tour of the 1,000 sq ft wrap-around terrace.
Rollins: Benson, you might want to take a look at this:
(Picks up a copy of The New York Time’s Real Estate Section, where Chatellier and his girlfriend Talitha Fehr are featured in the weekly column The Hunt)
Ice-T: I think we just found the love nest.
(Int: Holding Cell, Chatellier paces nervously while Rollins looks like she wants to go gamble somewhere.)
Chatellier: Look! I don’t know what this is about! I have to go another listing! We’ve got a budget of $5,000 for a bedroom in our current coop, with a terrace and…
Rollins: Wait, seriously? Aren’t the comps in your area like $8,000?
Chatellier: Detective! I am under a lot of stress here, and because I made my fortune in Apple, I am also totally delusional. If I don’t check the cell phone reception in each Tribeca location we look at, we’ll never know if our broker was serious about needing a booster to make calls! A Booster!
(Chatellier Jumps Out of Chair, physically restrained by Rollins)
Rollins: SIR! You will have to sit down!
Chatellier: Sorry, pre-war restoration flashbacks. Am I free to go? What am I being charged with, anyhow??
Rollins: Three counts of lewd behavior, indecent expose in the Times, and tacky taste, two counts of trafficking in apartment porn . Undervalued apartments pornography, I could add. That’s a serious offense.
Chatellier: Hold on, hold on. She said she was 25!
Rollins: That’s its address , creep. And to think, if we hadn’t picked you up in time, you could be slipping your thick wad of $5,585-a-month (plus safety and last’s) across your new stone/marble counter right now…
Chatellier: You mean…we lost the bid at Bond Street. (Begins to cry, head in hands. It quickly turns to maniacal laughter.) Do you have any idea what you’ve done! THE HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER WOULD HAVE FIT! IT WOULD HAVE FIT!
Door opens, in flies Talitha Fehr, Mr. Chatellier’s girlfriend from Canada, whom he met on the Internet. She’s a “music coordinator.”
Fehr: Honey, don’t say another word to these men. I found it! I found our dream home!
Chatellier: Will the TV fit?
Fehr: Kind of…at angle. It’s $5,000, has great views…but…
Chatellier: But…?
Fehr: It’s in Long Island City.
Chatellier lunges at his Internet girlfriend. She screams. The scene erupts into chaos. Chatellier is eventually subdued by Ice-T’s stun gun.
(Fade to Black)
Postscript:
In the end Chatellier and Fehr returned to the financial district, choosing William Beaver house, built about five years ago as a condominium, where they found a two-bedroom with two baths on a high floor with stunning views in three directions. There was plenty of room for a home theater, and the phone reception passed the test.
The apartment itself is working well. Mr. Chatellier turned one of the bedrooms into an office. The 60-inch television screen fits perfectly. The couple are delighted with the enormous tub in the master bathroom; at 4 by 5 1/2 feet, it is like a mini-pool — something they never expected to find.
They see such tubs in hotels when they travel, but “it’s a mystery why more New York apartments don’t have a deep soaking tub,” Mr. Chatellier said.
