My husband has been spying on me: Agony aunt answers your questions
OUR AGONY aunt gets to the heart of your sex and relationship problems.
The man spying on me was my husband
Q: My husband has been spying on me. Just after Christmas, he got it into his head that I was having an affair (I wasn’t). I was working long hours on a project that I was forbidden to talk about outside of work and I was distracted and under a lot of pressure. First, he asked a female friend to keep an eye on me, then he started following me around. Things came to a head when the receptionist at my gym warned that a “strange man” kept asking questions about me and I discovered it was him.
Now he’s saying he’s really sorry and that he got carried away, but I’m struggling to look at him in the same way. Can we come back from this betrayal? What else might this man be capable of?
A: I worry that he’s too clinging, possessive and paranoid for you (or any partner for that matter). Presumably you told him that you were frantic at work, even though you couldn’t explain exactly why, but he still jumped to the conclusion that you were lying and actually conducting an affair behind his back.
That doesn’t bode well for your future together. Admittedly, we all make mistakes and do stupid things from time to time, but he does sound an extreme character. If you feel freaked out and believe that he has crossed a line, I don’t see how you can have a successful long-term relationship together if there isn’t mutual trust.
Her negative vibes are wearing thin
Q: My partner is an attractive, successful woman, but she’s relentlessly negative about everything from her job and our finances to the world in general. She moans about everything and everyone and it’s exhausting.
I hate being in the sitting room when the news comes on, because she really lets rip. Both her sisters are the same and they sneer at me for being “a naive fool”. Am I really the one who is out of step?
A: Unfortunately, negativity can be catching. If you spend much longer with this despondent woman and her family, the chances are they’ll bring you down to their miserable level. Yes, a lot of things are horrible and unfair in this world, but we only get one shot at life. Wouldn’t she be better off turning all that negative energy into something positive with charitable works and/or planning things that make her happy? If she’s depressed, she should see her GP, but you can’t allow her to change who you are. Time for a fresh start?
He dumped me and now I’m back home
Q: My boyfriend and I were going to move in together, so I temporarily moved home to my parents while he looked for a new place, but now he’s changed his mind. He’s going back to his ex-partner and says he’s sorry he built my hopes up. I’m devastated. I’m 42 and back in my childhood bedroom feeling wretched, let down and completely stupid. He knew I loved my old flat share – how could he be so cruel?
A: Allow a fixed time to shout, scream and cry, then vow to get your “revenge” by putting your life back on track. He was a fantasist and a fake, but he didn’t define you. You had a decent life before him and you can have an even better one now he’s gone. Draw up a bucket list of everything you wish to do, see and achieve – and then make it happen. It’s time to regroup, plan ahead and bounce back stronger than before.
Sex matters
Q: My best friend is having a lot of casual sex with men she meets via a well-known app. Every time we speak, she tells me about her wild sexual exploits. Recently I wondered out loud if some of these men might actually be married with children and she announced: “Of course! Don’t be so naive. They all are!” I’m struggling to respect her for this.
I like her a lot, but I just don’t think that having sex with other women’s husbands is funny or right. Am I wrong to tell her to stop doing this?
A: You can try to tell your friend anything you like, but whether she listens to you is up to her. I get the distinct impression that she is having the time of her life. I agree with you – I don’t believe that sleeping with strangers who might be married with children is a good thing.
But I’m sure she’d argue that it’s her life and this is her time now. Ultimately, you have to decide if this is something that has soured your friendship. Can you carry on seeing and indulging her when you no longer respect her choices? Is this a friendship breaker?
