If Cardiff Nightclubs Had Hidden Terms And Conditions

*Note: It's at the top of two steep flights of steps, which are manageable when you totter up them at 11pm, but considerably harder when you stumble down them at 2am.

**As in, you can't physically move because there are SO MANY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.

***Which you'll end up spilling down yourself when someone barges into you, seconds after you leave the bar.

****An awkward, arms-pinned-to-your-sides shuffle. Your best bet is to stick to the outskirts of the dance floor and avoid the very centre. Or just go on a Monday when it's a bit less busy.

*****Results may vary.

*This is the understatement of the year.

**By atmosphere, we don't mean the vibe or the mood. We mean a genuine, tangible atmosphere, like the ozone layer. But instead of being made up of ozone, Metros' atmosphere is made up of evaporated sweat, a toilety aroma, and the sickly sweet smell of fluorescent £2 cocktails.

***Like when you used to hide away in your room and air guitar to "Hybrid Theory", safe in the knowledge that you were better than everyone who liked 5ive.

****The bowels of the city. Basically, someone's basement. And while it may sound naff, it's actually awesome because at the end of the night someone at the exit will hand you a slice of buttered toast. Seriously, toast. They give out free toast after midnight. How brilliant is that?

*More hipsters than an east London charity shop.

*Confusingly large. It's good in the sense that you can wander from room to room if you're bored, but bad in the sense that you WILL lose all your friends within moments of entering. Not just lose as in, "Oh, hey, where did you go, I've been looking for you for the last five minutes," but lose as in THEY WILL DISAPPEAR AND YOU WON'T SEE THEM FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT, like they've been sucked into some strange alternate dimension that only exists in Tiger Tiger between the hours of 11pm–2am.

**But mainly people who like pop/R&B.

***If you're in first year. By third year, most people switch to Monday nights at the Union, and if you do venture back, you'll feel old and out of place, like a creepy uncle at an 18th.

*But really it's less about the live acts and more about the £1 wine.

**The £1 wine deal is the only one that matters, though.

***This is the crucial bit. While most clubs in Cardiff close at 2am, Live Lounge is open until 4am. It's basically the place everyone**** wobbles off to at the end of the night for a final blurry couple of hours worth of dancing.

****As in, every type of person you can think of. Imagine a venue that's hosting work parties for 5 completely different companies on the same night, and they all have to share a dance floor.

*Also a big outdoor bit where people go to cool off from the general sweatiness.

**The only mildly less awesome bit is having to hike up about 60,000 stairs to get from the bottom floor to the top floor.

***Or "Welsh Club", as all of us lazy English people with phobias of pronouncing anything in Welsh call it.

*An understatement: The dance floor is massive. It's also on a lower level that can be looked down upon from a balcony on the upper floor, giving it the feel of a gigantic, debauched Colosseum.

**Proceed with caution. The atmosphere will be good for something like the Six Nations, but a night out means braving a writhing sweat-pit within which there's a very real chance that some big, clammy rugby-playertype will sling his arm around your shoulders for no good reason, ignoring your protests as he casually spills Foster's down the back of your neck.

*AKA Revs, Vodka Revs, or That Place That Does the Chili Shots.

**Exactly the same as Tiger Tiger and most of other clubs dotted around Cardiff's city centre, but with one crucial difference: the shot sticks***.

***Disclaimer: After your sixth shot, fun can no longer be guaranteed.