Happy Friday you guys! So its 2:22 am (make a wish!) Court is camping and I have the worst time sleeping when he’s not here. Not to mention I was really thirsty and decided to drink some Bai instead of water. Caffeine? Suuuuuure, why not, I’ll be awake anyways…So um how’s your day going?
Life has been pretty hectic around here lately, there is so much that I want to share, hopefully next week I’ll be able to start chatting and then you wont be able to get me to stop ;). In the meantime, lets have a heart to heart, yes? I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but the last year or so I’ve been a little (and at times, a lot) off. If you’re a long time reader you might have noticed, and if you’re newish then you dont know anything different. But this is me openly talking about it which can be sort of scary on the internet. So please be patient with me as I fumble over my fingers and write run on sentences.
I’m an open person, its who I am. In accepting my faults and trying to become better, not perfect, I’ve learned how to genuinely love everyone for who they are and where they are with no strings attached. I think that being so involved in 12 Step work helped me become that way. Its easy to see that while people are in bad situations that they aren’t bad. On the flip side, as I’ve learned, being so open can leave you vulnerable, like a turtle without a shell. Fleshy. (Sorry if you hate that word!)
Last year I had some really close friends choose to, I don’t know what the word is…leave? Can people leave friendships like they leave relationships? I internalized it and though it was very much out of my control, I took all of the emotional responsibility for their immature and irresponsible behavior.
In so doing, it fundamentally effected the way that I saw myself. Have you ever been in a situation like that?
I would work through it and think that I was in the clear, and then the anger and frustration and rejection would resurface, throwing me back onto the ground face first. At the same time, I was pregnant with the boy wonder and had hormones (I’m sure) making things harder than they probably would have been otherwise. For months I analyzed and reanalyzed what had happened trying to make sense of it. Knowing in my head that I’m not responsible for other peoples choices, but feeling so much hurt in my heart.
I’m so grateful for this experience though, because it has made me take a much deeper look at myself. Over the last year, I became more closed off and fearful of what people thought of me. I worried about things that were out of my control and I feel like I lost the welcoming aura that could make anyone around me comfortable. Probably because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts. And I was frustrated. SO frustrated. Because this is not who I wanted to be. I felt like (and voiced a few times here) that I was failing. I was stuck in this downward cycle of failing and apologizing and feeling guilty for sucking and then failing more.
So do you want to know what woke me up? For years Court has been telling me that I just need to change what I was doing and put out easy content that I could just make money on. Stuff like affiliate round ups or taking an image off of pinterest and linking to things to recreate the space. For years I’ve told him to suck an egg but the more depressed and less invested that I was feeling, the more his argument seemed like a good idea. I didnt have to put my heart into a round up. Until last week, when I had to make the hardest decision that I’ve made in a year. It came down to choosing a direction. What was Vintage Revivals going to be from this point forward? While we were talking about it, I said I didnt really want to go in this other direction, and he said “Why, you’re not doing anything anyways?” My answer, for some reason that I’ll be eternally grateful for, relit my fire.
I told him it was because I make stuff. I make things that dont exist anywhere. I create beautiful spaces out of nothing. That anyone can spend $50k on a bathroom makeover but it takes creative grit to do it yourself and have it look like a million bucks. And the most important part is that instead of telling someone to buy a $3000 chandelier I teach incredible women to take matters into their own hands and do it themselves! I think that I’ve always had this whispering in the back of my mind that kept inching its way forward until it became a full blown negative thought. That somehow I was less of a designer because I wanted to make things instead of buy them. It made me inferior. When that thought was fully formed in the heat of this moment I was able to look at it for what it was, a BIG STUPID LIE. Do you know how awesome it is that we can dream up a wall treatment and be able to execute it with our own 2 hands?! Do you know how great it is that we dont have to be limited by what can be bought in a store or exists at face value?! As DIYers we can do whatever the crap we want. RAHHHHHHHH!
DIY saved me. It literally changed the course of my entire life. It gave me something that in the turmoil of Court’s addiction I could actually make better. Over the last 6 years it has brought me more joy and fulfillment than I can even describe. It has made me who I am. It has created this community in this little corner of the internet for which I will be eternally grateful.
As a blogger in this space its easy to get caught up in what everyone else is doing. What the next big thing is, who the next big thing is, and how you’re probably doing things all wrong. That is where its easy to start to drift.
I’ve relearned something that I forgot. This blog isn’t about me, its about you. It doesn’t matter what all the other bloggers are doing, it matters what YOU, my people, are doing and how I can teach, encourage, and inspire you to do it better. So what are you doing? Where can I help?
You know when you want to say that you were doing the best that you could, but in reality you werent really doing anything to change the situation? That was me. I feel like I was living on autopilot. Especially here. So I would like very much to apologize to each of you for being so wrapped up in myself that I failed to see you as more than a number or a comment or a like, for not delivering projects and tutorials that I said I would share, and for expecting you to be invested in here when I wasn’t all in. I was wrong and I am very sorry (this is the part where we *hopefully* group hug).
If you’ve made it to the end of this post, thank you. If you’re feeling something, share it below. Thank you for supporting me and being patient with the crazy, it truly truly means the world!
xo
m
via Mandi at Feeling Found and My D-I-Why
