Eulogy: Remembering the 2015-16 New York Islanders

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The bloggers and fans who hated them the most. Here is Florida Panthers fan Matt Lichtenstadter, fondly recalling the 2015-16 New York Islanders.)

By Matt Lichtenstadter (@MattsMusings1)

Oh those New York Islanders. The team with more convicted fraudsters as owners than playoff series wins in the last 23 years. The team whose biggest and most prominent fan is a Honda Pilot stationed so neatly in a dark corner of the rink in the hopes that nobody notices Barclays Center was designed for hipster concerts and god awful basketball rather than hockey.

Once the Kings of Long Island and the definition of sustained success, now they’re tenants in an arena not designed for them in a borough that doesn’t care for them and they’re now run by a man who enjoys stalking his team’s fans on social media more than actually making the Islanders fit in their new home.

Only the Islanders could make an SUV the team’s unofficial mascot because a re-purposed dragon from a long lost Arena Football League team wasn’t bad enough.

Unfortunately, they can’t use an effigy of Mike Milbury as a mascot in this new PC world, it just wouldn’t fly.

The only Islanders fan who has been to every home game this season, and it’s not the poor kid

How could one ever eulogize a team that has left such an indelible mark on hockey history, or as some new Islanders fans would call that, dumping beer on Denis Potvin?

The good news: Since the beer was probably made at a GMO free farm using free range hops without gluten in them, your new hipster friends won’t get that mad at you for wasting it… we think.

The Islanders have a wonderful history of trying to desperately expand their fan base beyond the traditional angry Long Islander who couldn’t afford to live in the City or Westchester County. First, they tried to incorporate the east end of Long Island by switching the team’s iconic logo to a fisherman, which only Stan Fischler liked.

Now that they’ve moved to Brooklyn, how would the team’s new business gurus attempt to attract the traditional long beard, glasses wearing Brooklyn hipster to watch hockey besides making the team have black sweaters?

Change the goal horn! Certainly Brooklynites will appreciate the sound of a Subway train that’s 30 minutes late to take them back to Williamsburg, and that’ll make them come to watch the Islanders play the Columbus Blue Jackets on a Tuesday night in December!

Of course, you have to keep them occupied when they realize they didn’t actually see the goal the Islanders just scored because their view was blocked by an ad for Draft Ops, whatever that is. They might not be hockey fans yet but in order to make them fans they actually have to see the game on the ice first.

This view is better than watching Cal Clutterbuck

Then, whatever you do, don’t tweet about the whiny goal horn or the fact that you can’t see half the ice because the Islanders brass is watching your every social media move a la Big Brother to make sure you’re staying in line.

Can’t wedge your way into your obstructed view seat because the aisles are too small? Brett Yormark doesn’t want to hear about it.

Doesn’t it suck that Justin Bieber concerts take precedence at Barclays Center over playoff hockey games? Be careful… Mr. Yormark is watching you.

Boy, isn’t it just criminal that you have to pay for an extra ticket to watch warm-ups because letting the fans who already paid a fortune to get in didn’t pay quite enough? Why are all of the banners from Nassau not coming over? Did they really need space to hang a banner honoring Jay-Z’s 15thconcert here in 4 years?

[Yormark bans me from covering Islanders games out of spite even though I don’t live in New York]

The lazy eye running the once great Islanders into the ground

This season though successful, will be a major annoyance to those fans who wanted to see Jack Capuano fired. He has proven more than once to be a pretty tactically inept coach, but now won’t be fired as his team actually got past the first round of the playoffs for once. Shame he won’t have Kyle Okposo or Frans Nielsen next season, who are all actually quality hockey players, but he will have Mikhail Grabovski!

*crickets chirping*

Wait wait, before you get angry at me Islanders fans, at least you’ll still have the best fourth line in hockey!

*gets pelted with rocks and beer bottles*

Come on, Cal Clutterbuck scored 35 goals in one season for the Oshawa Generals, he’s absolutely better than that Swiss guy you traded to Minnesota…!

*gets blatantly tripped by Matt Martin and no one notices*

Ah, but don’t fret Islanders fans, you still have John Tavares. Yes, the man who signed one of the most team friendly contracts ever wants you to believe he’s an Isle for life and not for once think he’ll become the prodigal son that returns home and leads the Toronto Maple Leafs to glory, even though it’s inevitable he leaves. It’s really a cruel play to make, but can you blame him?

He might actually win something of substance in Toronto playing with Auston Matthews instead of Alan Quine.  

This is actually Garth Snow’s sales pitch to keep John Tavares from leaving for Toronto

But once again, don’t fret Islanders fans. Some of the money that could be used to give Tavares the contract that he deserves went to this instead:

Help me; I actually have to wear this suit on TV!

Since Rick DiPietro is still on the Islanders payroll until the end of time, why not have him wear one of Don Cherry’s leftovers in order to make sure that money is going to something worthwhile? He might be smiling, but he’s trying to hide the pain inside knowing a German journeyman has had more playoff success in goal than he had. But after his Patrik Stefan like career, and having to wear that suit, he couldn’t possibly do anything more embarrassing than that, right?

“You’re you, and I’m Gordie Howe.” The Pope has spoken, we must all listen.

So after the first season of the New York Islanders in Brooklyn, where do things stand? The team’s CEO is stalking fans to make sure they “enjoy” the Brooklyn experience, the on-ice product has probably hit a glass ceiling because nobody other than John Tavares decided to show up in the playoffs, Rick DiPietro is getting in slap fights with Mike Francesa on sports radio, and new ownership is now in place that will probably blow up everything that was good about the team anyway. But at least they didn’t do anything THAT bad or offensive on the way to their date with fate and inevitable elimination…

Because of Bieber induced arena delays, Jeremy Roenick sang on national television, and now all of America is deaf, and it’s all thanks to the Islanders.

So even with decent levels of success this season (for a team like the Islanders this is relative of course), they end up where they usually do in the middle of May:

But in Brooklyn, what’s old is new again so maybe one day men with crazy beards will turn something moribund into a pillar of the new community…

Oh, whoops.

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