How to Deal with Racist Parents

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Confronting the tough issues in your household

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: November 14, 2023 Fact Checked

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Addressing the Issue

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Avoiding Negativity

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Q&A

It can be painful if your parents are racist. Oftentimes, your parents may not see themselves as racist and may be defensive if you use that term. They may also come from older cultural backgrounds, where certain stereotypes were the accepted norm and even thought of as positive. We're to help, with a complete guide on how to confront the issue of racism in your family, as well as tips for how to protect your own mental well-being.

Things You Should Know

Address the behavior the moment you notice it, if possible. Ask them to clarify what they meant, and if they see a problem with it.
Understand that your parents will likely get defensive. Control the conversation by using "I" statements and centering your own experience.
Set a good example for your parents by modeling good behavior when you're with them, or offering different language for them to use.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Addressing the Issue

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1
Catch the behavior in the moment. In any difficult confrontation, people may feel attacked if you bring up incidents from the past. If your parents say something that comes off as racist or insensitive, talk to them about as soon as you can. It's best to address such things in the moment but this isn't always possible. If you're in public, for example, it might be hard to catch. If you can't address the issue immediately, bring it up later in the day or the next day.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
- Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions. If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address it immediately. Ask them to clarify what they meant. Focus on your parents' words and behavior rather than their character as a whole. Never make it personal. Saying "You're racist" will only lead to defensiveness and resentment. Instead, try saying "that statement makes a lot of assumptions", or "saying that lumps every person of one color together". You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand.^{[2]
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- Let's say your parents said some racist things about your friend. Start off by saying, "Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?" Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive. For instance, you could say, "I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside."
- Then listen to your parents' viewpoint. They most likely don't realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don't know a lot about a different culture. This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they're coming from.
- You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures. Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements. For instance, they could ask, "Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?"
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Address specific behaviors. When talking to someone about their racism, it's best to focus on specific behaviors. While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.
- Remember the difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a "What You Are" conversation. In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you. A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents' fundamental character based on their actions. Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this. Your parents will resent that you're speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand.^{[3]
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- Remember, just telling your parents they're racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy. They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character. Even if you're right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions.^{[4]
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Prepare for defensiveness. Even when talking about specific behavior, and focusing on actions over character, people in general do not take well to such conversations. People tend to deeply personalize accusations that their words or actions were racist.^{[5]
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- If your parents do get defensive at the word "racist," then you can avoid the label and still get your point across. Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word "racist" to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents.^{[6]
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- Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation.^{[7]
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  Trustworthy Source
  
  Harvard Business Review
  Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
  
  Go to source} Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, "I'm not racist." If your parents say this, respond by focusing on the effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person. You might say something like, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype."
- There is no easy way to talk about racism. Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable. Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you're not surprised when you're met with resistance.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
  Marriage & Family Therapist
  
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.}
4
Use "I" statements. In any difficult conversation, using "I" statements can be helpful. These are statements that place focus on your emotional reaction to a situation. This avoids coming off as if you're making an objective judgment call. Even if you're in the right in the situation, passing judgments rarely results in resolving issues.
- Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings. It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you're speaking in terms of your own worldview.
- Sentences should begin with "I feel..." and go from there. Do not use statements like, "You make me feel..." or "It makes me feel..." as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion. You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways. Instead of saying, "The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me" say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner. I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset."
- Your parents may be more receptive to this approach. Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings. This is a start when it comes to addressing racism. If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."
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Model positive behavior. Oftentimes, the best way to deal with racist parents is to model good behavior for them. Be very conscientious about how you talk about different cultures and people of different races. Try to show your parents, rather than telling them, why embracing diversity is important.
- Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective.
- Avoid stereotyping.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Avoiding Negativity

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1
Try to understand your parents' racism. While it can be hard to be understanding in regards to racist beliefs, try to get inside your parents' heads.^{[9]
X
Expert Source

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.} Racism is a systemic issue very prevalent in many societies. It is often subtle and many people are unaware their actions and words have racist undertones.
- The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often subtly racist. Words used to describe people of color, for example, are often riddled with outdated and offensive terminology. This is a phenomenon that does not just occur in hate speech but in well-known publications such as The New York Times. Over time, a person's perspective can be skewed without their knowing it by the perpetuation of stereotypes in the media. While this does not excuse racism, it can help you better understand your parents.^{[10]
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  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  
  Go to source}
- Oftentimes, people are blind to their own racism. As already discussed, people get very defensive when it comes to discussions of race. Therefore, subtle racism often goes unchecked. Your parents may be unable to see their own racist viewpoints. You can work your best to point out your parents' racism, but try to understand how subtle racism really is and why it's so difficult to get people who harbor racist beliefs to change.^{[11]
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- For instance, the media often demonizes black victims and can actually appear sympathetic to whites suspected of serious crimes, including mass shootings.^{[12]
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2
Disengage in conversations that cause you discomfort. At a certain point, you have to accept the fact that racism is a deep-seated belief system that's difficult to change. You should seek to develop a no-tolerance policy regarding racist comments, especially if discussing them with your parents takes an emotional toll on you.
- If your parents try to bait you into an argument, do not engage. Acknowledge their feelings, and promptly move on to another topic.
- It is very difficult for people to change their ingrained beliefs. Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is that they will eventually evolve to become less racist. Angry words, incrimination, accusations, and withdrawal will be of no avail and will only fuel more resentment. Instead, if you simply tell your parents how much you love them and how much you appreciate everything they've done for you, they are more likely to reconsider their beliefs after they've had more time. After all, they love you as much as you love them. Also, try to recruit other family members who are more sympathetic to your beliefs, and have a conversation with them to see how they may be able to lend their support.
Keep in mind it is very rare that people change their viewpoints, especially if they're set in age. It is very likely approaching your parents about their racism will do nothing to change the problem. However, addressing certain behaviors is still important. Racism is able to sustain itself because people often remain silent and do not want to force uncomfortable discussions. Silence is sometimes seen as an endorsement or acceptance of racist viewpoints. Make sure you make it clear to your parents that you do not agree with their point of view. While the conversation may end poorly, you still need to have it.^{[13]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices

Go to source}

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I'm mixed race, white and Asian. My mom is white and lives with me, she and my dad are divorced. And she says discriminatory things about Asians in front of me and tells me not to get offended because I'm "basically white." How do I tell her that I see myself as Asian and that she offends me?

Community Answer

Tell her you're just as much "basically Asian" as you are "basically white." They are both part of your identity, and if you weren't for that Asian man she was once with, you wouldn't exist. Tell her it offends you to hear those remarks and you don't want to hear them.

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Is it or is it not racist to want to preserve white peoples in their own homelands?

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It is racist, by definition, because it is a belief that discriminates among people solely on the basis of race and forgets that everyone has a right to determine where and how they live in favor of a segregationist worldview.

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I'm in grade 9 and dating a Native American girl. My parents didn't agree just because of her race; they said that Native Americans and the Chinese won't connect. How do I at least have their permission to date her?

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You can try educating them. Try explaining how her race and your race have nothing to do with the fact you want to date each other. If you think this is a good idea, you may want to introduce her so they can see that she's just another human (this may backfire, though, so think about this before doing so). You can try to make her appealing to your parents; for example, try to match up things your parents value to things your girlfriend can do. But honestly, sometimes parents don't come around. This isn't to say you shouldn't try, but be prepared if it doesn't turn out perfectly.

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