Report: Israelis Killed In Shooting Allegedly Shopped, Dined First

At least one victim flagrantly ordered ice coffee.

Tel Aviv, June 8 – Police investigating this evening’s shooting attack in the downtown area of this city are reporting initial findings that indicate all nine of the Israelis killed or wounded in the incident may have been engaged beforehand in such suspicious activities as shopping, visiting cafes, attending a film, and texting loved ones, activities that threatened the Palestinians who felt compelled to open fire. Four Israelis were killed, and the Palestinian attackers, who were disguised as patrons of an upscale chocolate shop and cafe, were shot and arrested.

Tel Aviv District Commander Nissim Turjeman told reporters that preliminary evidence indicates that the nine, four of whom are in serious or critical condition at Ichilov Hospital, were engaged in the threatening behaviors immediately prior to being shot, perhaps offering a window into what prompted the shootings.

“Eyewitness accounts have the deceased and injured involved in such activities prior to the shooting as walking hand-in-hand with a significant other, discussing possible purchases, remarking on the weather, and wishing friends a pleasant evening,” Turjeman said at an impromptu press conference near the Sarona Market, site of the incident. “We are still piecing together many of the eyewitness reports, some of which, owing to the chaos of the scene, appear to contradict one another. It appears, however, that all of the victims of the shooting were engaged in the types of activity that, for understandable reasons, provoked the shooters.”

Turjeman noted some of the difficulty in assembling a reliable picture of events. “Some of the eyewitnesses themselves were engaged in the same behaviors as the victims when the shooting happened, making their testimony suspect to some degree, but if enough details in the reports overlap, we are confident we can reconstruct what made the armed, disguised attackers try to eliminate people who were, it appears, flagrantly ordering ice coffee.”

“I heard like eight shots,” said one witness. “People started running away,” a sure sign that they were trying to escape whatever unsavory activity they had been doing, such as considering which movie to watch at the nearby Cinémathèque.

Similar events have immediately preceded other attacks on Israelis by Palestinians, who are forced to shoot, stab, run over, blow up, or otherwise attempt to kill Jews as the only way to stop them from perpetrating such acts as driving to work, dropping off kids, talking on the phone, waiting for a bus, grocery shopping, eating pizza, celebrating an upcoming wedding, visiting tourist attractions, and sleeping in bed.