How to Deal With Low Confidence

Co-authored by Jennifer Butler, MSW

Last Updated: March 25, 2023 References

Does it seem like you have read every article and watched every single TV show on the subject and you still have low self-confidence? Have you struggled with this issue most of your life, and think it's impossible to overcome? You're not the first to believe he was stuck with having poor confidence for life. Luckily, feeling more confident is possible when you focus on your natural value and potential as a person.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Strengthening Your Self-Confidence

1
Play to your strengths. Feedback generally revolves around negative performance. Therefore, we often find ourselves dwelling on the negatives far more than the positives. Instead of trying to build up your weaknesses, direct your energy towards further developing your naturals talents.^{[1]
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- After you have performed an assessment of your strengths, strategize ways to leverage them for your success. Success in any area breeds confidence.
- For example, if you are naturally good at drawing or painting, you can spend your leisure time practicing and refining your skills. When opportunities present themselves for you to make use of your skills, such as for a school mural or play, you will have more confidence to offer up your services because you recognize your abilities in this area.
2
Change your language. Learn to alter that voice inside your head telling you that "you're not good enough" or "you can't do this." When you become aware of such negative self-talk, challenge these self-statements.
- For instance, in response to "you're not good enough," you might think about all the ways that you have proven yourself to be good and effective at something.
- When you identify negative self-talk, strive to transform such statement into more positive thoughts.
3
Set small goals to work towards. Properly preparing yourself to achieve goals can boost self-confidence. You can set goals in a variety of areas of your life — in school, work, basketball, singing, writing, etc. And, as you reach each goal, you get automatic and effective feedback to set and accomplish new ones. Start small, and gradually increase the size and scope of your goals as your self-confidence grows. Goals that build confidence are: ^{[3]
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- Specific
- Measurable
- Actionable
- Realistic
- Time-bound
- Exciting
- Recorded
4
Be nice to others. If you can be anything, be kind. It takes almost no energy or skill to be nice to those around you, yet the action results in immeasurable benefits. There is evidence to support that being kind can help us live longer, find greater success at work, reduce stress, and feel happier. ^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source

Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences
Official peer-reviewed and multidisciplary journal for the National Academy of Sciences.

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- Kindness can be displayed in simple or complex ways. Hold the door for a stranger, smile as you walk down the street and greet those you pass, share a joke or a meal with someone who often gets left out socially.
- What's more, expressing kindness in your community by volunteering can help you cultivate self-confidence.^{[6]
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  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  
  Go to source} Help build houses for Habitat for Humanity, donate blood if your health allows it, read to the elderly in nursing homes.
5
Dress so that you feel good about yourself. The clothes you wear can make you scowl at the mirror, or blush with self-satisfaction. Whatever you wear, know that clothes can affect your confidence, so pick pieces that align with the image of yourself you'd like to portray. ^{[7]
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- Researchers have proven that humans frequently assign emotional meaning to articles of clothing. Maybe you wore a specific tie to your college graduation, or a special dress on a first date that went well. Over time, you will reach for those items to produce a similar effect on your mood.^{[8]
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- One study showed that people wearing Superman t-shirts rated themselves as more likeable and superior to others who were not. These same students also felt stronger when wearing these heroic shirts.^{[9]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Overcoming Low Self-Confidence in Certain Situations

1
Don't turn down invites.^{[10]
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Research source} Sometimes, when we have low self-confidence, we tend to isolate ourselves from others. The fear of being rejected or embarrassing ourselves causes us to miss out on opportunities to be social. Unfortunately, people around us may get the wrong impression, assuming we don't want to be around them or don't like them. Sooner or later, the invites may stop coming.
- Instead of saying "no" to invites to parties and social gatherings, start to say "yes". Of course, you won't be able to attend every single event you are invited to, but try your best to come if you can.
- Saying "yes" gives the host the signal that you actually are interested in building a relationship with him or her.
- What's more, the more practice you get in social situations, the more your confidence will grow. Even if you feel shy or weird initially, challenge yourself to go anyway.
2
Visualize your success. Visualization is a powerful tool utilized by top athletes and other successful people. Before entering a stressful situation — from a party where you don't know anyone to an important presentation to a big game — imagine yourself completely nailing it. Picture yourself walking into the party with confidence and greeting the first group of people you meet; imagine giving your presentation without mistakes and fielding questions with ease; picture yourself making that basket, touchdown, or goal. ^{[11]
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- Your brain cannot tell the difference between something that is real and something you imagine.^{[12]
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  Research source} So if you imagine yourself walking into the party and striking up a conversation with a stranger, that course of action becomes more and more familiar to your brain. By the time you get to the situation in real life, it will be as though you have already done it, and it may feel more familiar and easier to do.^{[13]
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^{[14]
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Research source} Low self-confidence is often stimulated by being overly self-conscious. This tendency to pay so much attention to ourselves in every single situation only worsens our negative feelings. Rather than focusing on yourself, aim to focus on others. Become engaged in conversation, and strive to learn as much as you can about this person. They will appreciate the interest, and you will get a break from being overly conscious of yourself.
4
Observe the social butterflies.^{[15]
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Research source} Everyone knows a few master communicators. These people can listen so intently that you feel you must be the most interesting person in the room. On the other hand, they can carry a conversation and maintain intrigue as well.
- When you are in a social setting, pay attention to how the masters do it. Do they stand back and watch to check for social cues before entering a conversation? What body language are they exhibiting? What's the ratio of listening and speaking?
- True enough, you don't want to change yourself to imitate another person. However, you can pick up helpful tactics for managing in social situations from the people who perform well in such circumstances.
5
Learn how to handle rejection. Rejection is an inevitable part of life. Even those who seem to sail through social events at some point have been rejected. Whether rejection relates to not being picked for a job opportunity, failing to impress a love interest, or not getting accepted for an organization, there are ways to overcome these painful feelings. ^{[16]
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- Be reasonable. If you know that your chances of getting a job, promotion, or some other endeavor are not good, you can still go for it. However, acknowledge that the odds are against you and you may end up facing rejection.
- Shift the odds in your favor by applying for several jobs at once. If your chances of success are limited, you can make success more likely by putting more irons in the fire. Don't put all of your focus on one thing, instead have several backup plans. This will protect your confidence if you are rejected or denied.
- Don't take rejection personally. If you ask someone on a date or apply for a job, a rejection does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with you. It is not personal. Consider that people have different preferences and you might not match their unique needs. Remember that one closed door moves you closer to an open door that suits your needs.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Understanding Your Self-Confidence

1
Realize the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem. Although there is great overlap between these two concepts (and people often struggle with both simultaneously), there is a distinctive difference. Confidence refers to how you feel about your abilities. You may have self-confidence in your mathematical abilities, but little self-confidence when it comes to sports. Self-esteem, on the other hand, refers to how you view yourself overall, how you feel about yourself and whether or not you really like yourself.^{[17]
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Research source} Confidence focuses on abilities, while self-esteem focuses on self-like and respect.
- Do you believe in your abilities? Do you believe you are worthy of respect from both yourself and others?
- Your answer to these questions determines if you are suffering from low self-confidence or low self-esteem. The two differ slightly; nonetheless, you can use the same strategies to increase your belief in your abilities and your worthiness and self-love.
2
Recognize that feeling low in confidence is normal. Since confidence is derived from your own assessment of your abilities, it's situational. To some degree or another, your confidence changes depending on the context or skill-set in question. Perhaps, you feel very smart in math, but have trouble in science. Maybe you have amazing talent in singing, but your dancing skills are laughable. No one is good at everything; therefore, on occasion, we all have to deal with low confidence.
- The problem with occasional low confidence is whether you allow it to define you. This practice often starts in childhood.^{[18]
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  National Health Service (UK)
  Public healthcare system of the UK
  
  Go to source} Many people start out with poor abilities as kids, and when those abilities are not strengthened or the child is not praised for being proficient in other areas, he begins to view himself as not good enough. This leads to overall poor self-esteem and a feeling of unworthiness.
3
Write down your strengths. So, maybe you're not buying the idea that having low confidence in some abilities is a common human trait. If so, try this exercise. Take out a sheet of paper and a pen. Think about times when you really excelled. Think about times when you felt immense pride. Write out all the traits or abilities that are associated with these moments to get a better look at the things you are good at.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Jennifer Butler, MSW
Confidence Coach

Expert Interview. 31 July 2020.}
- If you have trouble thinking of situations, or, if you can't hush your inner-critic for long enough to complete this exercise, then make use of those close to you. Reach out to a handful of family members, friends, and coworkers (about five to 10). Ask each of them to tell you about a time when you were at your very best.^{[20]
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- Look for patterns in their responses. Do some words or characteristics keep popping up in different stories? Using their feedback to assess your strengths can help you develop a plan for greater self-confidence.
Oftentimes, the loudest critic in our heads was born in our childhoods. A teacher, a parent, a bully at school, or a babysitter: all of these individuals made impressions on how you view yourself. If you are feeling low in confidence, it could be rooted in one of these voices from your past that has stuck with you over the years. ^{[21]
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