Last night solidified why I love Empire. The plan to dig up a dead body made about as much sense as Ikea-furniture directions, Cookie continued to dress like that auntie who stays trying to mack on the recently widowed pastor during Sunday church services, and Thirsty Rawlings basically proves that he, not God, is the inspiration behind the “Footprints in the Sand.” In short, everything was insane, which is to say that everything was perfect.

So to the people complaining that the show has become a bowl of Fruit Loops and asking Empire to stop, that’s like asking black grandmas to not show up to the post office with rollers in their hair while humming a deep-cut Paul Robeson spiritual: IT AIN’T HAPPENING. So get on board or get left behind. And if last night’s episode, “Poor Yorick,” is any indication, people best get on board because this show is the best damn soap opera on TV and it’s showing no signs of slowing down.

We open with Jamal bleating out another song with the help of maximum autotune while the F.B.I. raids the Empire building, you know, just in case anyone at home was curious what a federal raid sounds like if it were scored by Lamb Chop from Lamb Chop’s Play Along. But this isn’t just any song, Jamal is performing for a Rolling Stone reporter who is doing a cover story on Jamal and his upcoming album, which is called The Artist because, I guess, the title I Masturbate to My Own Image was taken. Seriously, this is hilariously pretentious of Jamal, but I still love my baby. He eventually learns of the raid, and so does Becky who does this when the cops try to stop her from video taping the raid:

Seriously, this woman is a fast runner. Anyway, news travels fast and Lyon Dynasty hears what’s going down at Empire and they laugh like Disney villains, make plans to sign Royalty, and rule the world. That is until the F.B.I. shows up and raids them as well. LOL. Meanwhile, Thirsty bursts into Lucious’s bedroom to let him know that, you guessed it, the F.B.I. is about to come to his house and raid it as well. Upon hearing that news, most people would put their paper shredder into hyperdrive like it’s the Delorean from Back to the Future, a.k.a. destroy all evidence of shady behavior ASAP, but Lucious decides to greet Lawyer Shelf Boobs (better known as Prosecutor Ford) butt-ass naked. Because in his mind, a morning half chub is enough to make a woman not do her job.

He then storms into Empire and teams up with Marisa Tomei’s Mimi Whiteman, who’s serving Magic Eye puzzle realness in her crazy-ass suit. The two of them talk about how the F.B.I. makes them cool, edgy, and dangerous. Or it makes you likely to end up in prison for life, but nobody asked me. This then leads into a family meeting, in which Thirsty says that if they can find Vernon and convince him not to testify, that will foil the F.B.I.’s plans. Cut to Andre, whose stony face (as he remembers burying Vernon) is the same as mine when my DVR cuts off before I see who gets voted off Project Runway. Oof. The struggle is so real that later that night, Andre is back to waking up in a cold sweat because he feels guilty. Rhonda is mostly annoyed that he is messing up her REM cycle.

Cookie and Lucious make another truce that involves one of their sons doing a song/video/interview with one of their other sons (yawn!). Speaking of their sons, what are they up to? Jamal is getting hit on by a gross painter/photographer, who is probably a Terry Richardson type. Surprisingly, this guy is less creepy than Jamal wearing a woman’s Frederick’s of Hollywood robe with tennis shoes in this scene.

Andre continues to beg for his dad’s forgiveness to no avail, even though Lucious promises to be a great grandfather, even though he’s been a trash father. Right . . . O.K. Meanwhile, Hakeem seems to have escaped Lucious’s wrath even though Hakeem has betrayed him many times and the two are working on a music video together.

Now, about this music video. The premise is super-duper simple: post-apocalyptic Black Panthers fighting police oppression on the set of Tupac and Dr. Dre’s “California Love” video. This is only the second funniest thing about this scene. First place goes to Cookie calling Mimi “K.D. Lang.” Excuse me while I purchase LOL.gov, .net, and .edu URLs from GoDaddy.com.

Cookie’s one-liners are all the oxygen I need. If only they were enough to get the F.B.I. off her back. Lawyer Shelf Boobs has her arrested and threatens to release Andre’s medical files, until Cookie gives her some dirt. We see a couple of flashbacks of Cookie in jail, and it’s sadder than 12 Years a Slave, y’all. Cookie gives some info that gets her out of police custody.

Remember Andre? Well, his sexy and fine self came up with a brilliant (and by brilliant, I mean stupid) plan to dig up Vernon’s body and show it to Lucious in the hopes that Lucious will see how dedicated Andre is. And when he tells Rhonda this plan, she’s like, “But I’m the one who killed Vernon. If anyone finds out, I will go to jail.” Andre is like, “LOL. Rub on this Sacagawea coin for good luck. I need my dad.” He gets ready to leave and Rhonda says she’s coming with him. Wow, she is truly ride or die. I don’t even love anyone enough to send them a curated Spotify playlist let alone dig up a body. That’s probably why I’m single.

Back at Empire, the weird painter/photographer made a giant painting of Jamal, and if Jamal cheats on Michael with this fool, I will be done with Jamal (no, I won’t). But seriously, hots ain’t supposed to bang nots, and Jamal can really do better than this. But I guess Jamal doesn’t realize that, so he and the painter make googly eyes at each other and Michael is rightfully jealous. And so is Hakeem, because he stabs the painting. Sigh. He needs to grow up. He can’t get butthurt every time anyone else is shown any sort of attention. But he gets more than butthurt. He ruins the video shoot and then goes to a bar and gets a crush on another Latina singer. Eyeroll. I can’t care about this basic-ass story line. Moving on.

Rhonda and Andre are digging for Vernon’s body when she realizes that all the trees have a circle in them in the exact same location, so the circle isn’t a sign for their hiding place. The two freak out because this means the body can be anywhere. I’m not sure how all trees in this forest have the exact same hole in them, but I don’t have time to investigate this further because Lucious and Thirsty arrive. They put a tracking device on Andre’s car just in case Andre actually went through with this plan. Thirsty busts out a dead body detector thing-y and it turns out Vernon’s dead body was buried . . . three feet from where Rhonda and Andre were digging. And with this absurd discovery, I have also purchased LOL.org. Rhonda and Andre tell Lucious how Vernon died and Lucious seems . . . touched? This is the thing that puts Andre back in Loosh’s good graces. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Lucious is literally the worst person alive.

We finally catch up with Lawyer Shelf Boobs. She’s leaving her house with another attempt to put a wrench in Empire, so she gets in her car to head out and do some evil doings. Once inside, she discovers that the skeleton from the opening credits of Tales of the Crypt, a.k.a. Vernon’s rotting body is straight-up chilling in the passenger side like they’re about to go on a trip to Six Flags Great America amusement park:

GOD BLESS THIS SHOW AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.