How to Help an Autistic Sibling

Co-authored by George Sachs, PsyD

Last Updated: March 18, 2023 Approved

If you are reading this, then you probably have a sibling who is autistic. Remember that even if you are having trouble believing it, their autism is hard for them as well as you, and that their extra attention does not make you less important. The good news is that by knowing more about how autistic people communicate, you can effectively deal with challenges that you will have with your sibling.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Dealing With Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Issues

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Listen when they say “enough” or “no more.” Autistic people are easily overwhelmed with sensory information. They're not trying to be rude. They're trying their best to be comfortable in the world.^{[1]
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- Talk with your parents about using “break cards” with your siblings. A break card is simply a card that says something like “I need a break.” Especially helpful for non-verbal children, the card provides another way for your sibling to communicate that they need to get away from someone or from an activity that is stressing them out.
- If you decide to use a break card, be sure to talk through how it will be used. Will your sibling point to it, or carry it with them? When will the break end, and what will happen during the break?
2
Pay attention to their “stim” cues. Physically, autistic people engage in self-stimulating behavior (often called “stimming”). These behaviors (such as flapping hands, rocking, twirling, or repeatedly playing with the same objects) calm them down, make them feel good, and help them feel balanced.^{[2]
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- Most of these stimming behaviors are safe but will seem unnerving to people who do not understand the connection the behaviors have to the autistic child's life.
- Don't let stimming worry you. If your autistic sibling is stimming, treat it like a natural behavior, and continue doing whatever you were doing. Alert a parent if your sibling is doing self-injurious stims, so they can ask a therapist about finding a better stim for relieving stress.
Not every autistic child prefers close physical proximity, but some do, especially while your parents are teaching them about personal space. For kids (especially non-verbal ones) who like standing or sitting close, the proximity can help them focus or calm, so instead of sitting across from them, try to sit next to them when you talk with them.^{[3]
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Not every autistic child prefers close physical proximity, and most will enjoy having space to themselves. Sometimes your sibling just won't want to play with you or hang out next to you. Be patient with their mood changes.
Many autistic people, especially non-verbal people, are highly visual thinkers and as a result, they can often enjoy expressing themselves through art—and it can be a fun activity you can share with them. ^{[4]
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Use specific praise to reinforce the positive behaviors you are helping your sibling to learn. ^{[5]
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Research source} It takes a lot of energy and concentration to follow the rules and act “normal.” Let them know you are happy with their efforts.^{[6]
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Talk to them. Now that you better understand your sibling in theory, interaction will be easier. Even if your sibling repeats words or doesn't talk, they are still capable of thinking and understanding you. Talk to them as if they were a friend. If they don't talk, watch their body language or stims for cues.
- Don't yell at them or treat them like a baby. This will hurt their feelings and make them distrust you.
When autistic people attempt to physically wander off, it is usually a form of communicating “I want,” or “I don't want,” or “I need” something. Paying attention to the situation leading up to this behavior will help you learn more about what your sibling is trying to say—and will also help keep them safe.^{[7]
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dealing With Meltdowns and Aggression

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Work on calming them instead of yelling. Meltdowns can be frightening, but remember that your sibling is simply trying to find balance. The best you can do for them at these times is talk to them gently and be respectful, and engage them in a calming routine that your family can practice for just these situations.^{[8]
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- For instance, if you ask "Do you want a hug?" and your sibling says no, don't hug them. Your sibling still loves you and needs you, but might not be able to handle human touch at the moment. It's not personal.
- Don't hold on to your anger. It is natural to get angry at times with your sibling. Everyone in the history of siblings has done it. The key is to remember that you love them.
Pay attention to what has led up to the meltdown, so you can help your sibling in the future. Autistic people meltdown when they feel overwhelmed, so chances are good that the signs for the meltdown were noticeable before it happened—you just have to recognize those signs.^{[9]
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Your sibling isn't a toddler having a tantrum—they are just someone struggling with communicating in the ways you are familiar with. At times they may say inappropriate or tactless things, and their stimming may seem strange to you. Remember that they almost always mean well, and try not to take odd actions personally.

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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing With Daily Routines

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Help them use visual/picture schedules. This can be a poster or actual board with pictures on it that show all the steps of an activity in sequence. Especially useful with non-verbal siblings, the pictures on the schedule will help you communicate by reminding them, through pictures, of what they need to do or remember.
- A variety of pre-made schedules exist online, for free and through purchase. You can also make your own! Talk with your parents about the materials they feel are best to use.
Like picture schedules, these are boards with pictures that represent a variety of choices within a given activity or time-frame. The ability to point to pictures that represent their choice will allow your sibling to have some control and tell you what they want.
3
Spend time with them. Do what they want you to do, even if it sounds ridiculous or embarrassing. It presents a great bonding opportunity. Find a simple activity you can enjoy and bond over.
- Watch television and film programs with them, and put the closed captions on. Your sibling may want to watch their favorite program repeatedly. Instead of getting annoyed, recognize that they are expressing their comfort and enjoyment with something about the show.
- If your friends find out and ask what you're doing, you might have to tell them that your sibling is autistic; however, it will only help you in the long run if your friends can learn about autism in a positive way and help support you in dealing with its life challenges.
Some autistic children have difficulty with homework and may require help from you. Speak in a gentle tone and don't rush. If they grow frustrated, take a break from homework help and ask an adult to help your sibling calm down.
5
Get along with them. Autistic children normally do awkward things, like failing to respond to a "hello" or saying that their clothes look strange, without realizing that it's rude. There's nothing wrong with taking your sibling aside and explaining that it isn't polite. If they've hurt your feelings, say so. Your sibling is likely to feel surprised and remorseful when they realize they've done something wrong.
- Your parents can teach you appropriate ways to handle your sibling during play and in other situations. They want all their children to get along, so remember that your parents can offer advice and encouragement.
- Be hopeful. Your parents and your autistic sibling all need your positive energy. Having religious support has been reported to be effective, but what is important is that you embrace the wonderful and unique perspectives on life that your sibling can provide to your family.
6
Be there for them. This is extremely important. Autistic people are often teased because they are unusual. Stick up for your sibling and if they cry, comfort them. Treat them as you would treat your best friend.
- If your autistic sibling is slightly older than you, you will probably find their behavior as normal, since you lived with them since you were born. However, other people will feel sorry for you, saying things like "Oh, I'm so sorry your brother is autistic," while others will dote on them, talk over them, or avoid them.
- If other people express condolences or say something judgmental, an easy way to make them reconsider is to ask "Why?" For example, "Why are you sorry that my sister goes to the special needs classroom?" is likely to make people realize that they made a rude assumption.
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Tips

Learn as much as you can about autism. ^{[10]
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Research source} If you just found out your sibling is autistic, it may take a few weeks to get used to that fact. Research what autism is and how others cope.^{[11]
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Research source} This will help you better understand and live with your sibling's idiosyncrasies.

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Don't 'dumb it down' when talking with them. They're smarter than you think.

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Talk gently to your sibling. Know that a compassionate, accepting sibling means the world to autistic people. Your sibling probably appreciates you more than they can say.

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