4 Ways You Sabotage Your Relationships

Cate would like Sam to spend less time gaming and help out more around the house. Sam would like Cate to be less critical and more affectionate.

From 5000 feet up, it’s easy to see the negative loop that this couple can spin around: Cate is frustrated by Sam's withdrawal into games, and so is less affectionate; her complaints sound like nagging and criticism, which triggers Sam to pull away into gaming more, and around and around they go. Likely this taps into each’s emotional wounds—Cate's sensitivity to withdrawal and neglect, and Sam's to feeling criticized and micromanaged.

But from 5000 feet up, it also looks like a pretty simple fix: You stop doing what drives your partner crazy and do more he or she likes. Here, Cate and Sam cut a deal—Sam will step up and help out more around the house, and Cate will work on being less critical and more positive and affectionate. Done. If they were robots, this would be all worked out in a few nanoseconds.

The problem is that they're not and we’re not, and our lives are cluttered with the sticky world of emotions. Here is where your emotional mind takes over, sabotaging the simple common sense, robot-world approach. Here are the most common ways we get derailed:

1. He doesn’t deserve this. The “this” here is my making an effort to do what he wants. Cate feels that Sam doesn’t deserve to get any affection because he hasn’t made an effort to do anything for her, and/or he has hurt her so badly by doing [fill in the blank] that he doesn’t deserve her niceness.
2. I’m angry and I just don’t want to. This is a variation of the above but the anger is in the forefront: "Because I’m so angry and fed up, I'm not doing anything. Actually, just leave me alone. Don’t call me, I’ll call you…maybe."
3. She needs to make the first move. Our third variation: After being nagged to death and given the cold shoulder for so long, says Sam, she’s the one who needs to step up, prove her commitment, and show that she cares by making the effort to make things better. If she doesn’t, then it’s obvious that she doesn’t really care, so why should he?
4. I’m right. He’s the one with the problem. “A grown adult like Sam shouldn’t be playing video games all the time, should be responsible and help out, and I have a right to expect and ask for that. It's all on him.” Here, the only one to fix is the other person who obviously has messed up. He just needs to own his problem and realize what he needs to do to make it all better.

The thread that runs through all these variations is that are all stories you've made up. While they make sense to you, once they take hold and become your reality, there isn't much wiggle room left for change. The other guy, of course, is also clinging to his story, and now we have a standoff over whose reality and story is right. Big problem.

The way out of this mess is to make a shift from your emotional brain to your rational brain. Here’s how to think differently:

1. He doesn’t deserve…. Don’t think about this in terms of fairness but in terms of changing the emotional climate in the relationship. Even if he doesn’t deserve your making the effort and offers of kindness, realize your goal is about changing the dysfunctional patterns and stopping the negative loops. You make an effort to do more of what the other person wants as a way of taking the first step in doing exactly that.
2. I don’t want to….This is all about holding onto a grudge. This is Hatfields and McCoys, a power struggle, everyone saving the face for the purpose of saving face. No one wins here. You need to get over it (or not and keep battling forever), stop the power struggle (the blink contest). Step up and be an adult or get out.
3. He needs to make the first move…This really is the blink contest, a war of wills, but often there’s an underlying worry that "if I give in first, I’m seen as weak, and he will take advantage of me." If you can think this, you can prevent this. Step up, make the first move, but also hold your ground so you don’t feel like you are giving in or can be manipulated. Map this out in advance so you don’t get derailed in the moment.
4. I’m right….Actually, you’re not. Right is in the eyes of the beholder, and there is now in the post-postmodern 21st century no absolute reality. Battling over this goes nowhere. Rather than doing it right, you want to think about doing it differently. If you need to always be right (or always in control) you need to live alone. If you want to try and live with someone else, you gotta learn to give it up.

The bottom line here is being willing to let go of your self-made stories. While they may temporarily bolster your self-image, they do little to actually solve the problem. Stepping up may feel like giving in, accommodating, and looking weak, but that too is part of the story you're making up and holding onto. Instead, focus on moving beyond this roadblock and put the problem to rest. Stay empowered but also be gracious.

Time to be a grown-up. You've got nothing to lose.