Rocket League Portal DLC Doesn't Contain Portals

A free Portal-themed set of cosmetic items and flourishes will arrive in Rocket League [official site] tomorrow. There are gel trails for your nitro boosts, cake hats and decals, and heart-breaking Companion Cube antennae. There's plenty more along those lines as well, and it's all free, but I'm perhaps unfairly disappointed by the lack of actual portals. I hadn't even considered how amazing it would be to attach a portal to the area above my own goalmouth, causing stray shots that enter to emerge right by the opponent's goal. And if the cars could dash through portals as well? Beautiful chaos.

I don't think the essential cars-on-balls purity of Rocket League should be corrupted by the addition of too many gimmicks, but I have a Vine clip running on repeat in my head. It's the greatest goal of all time, scored by a player who blocks a shot, pirouetting in mid-air to send the ball into a portal as he does so and then boosting at just the right moment so that his car dives windshield-first into that same portal.

Ball and car shoot out of a portal set in the floor at the other end of the arena and, impossibly, the machine twists at the top of its arc, catches the ball as it falls past and sends it screaming into the top corner. I don't even need to play with portals to be happy, I just need to see the ridiculous highlights that other people can create given access to new and ridiculous tools. In truth, giving me the ability to portal about the pitch would probably be the equivalent of tying my bootlaces together.

That's not going to happen though. This is:

"Obtainable by playing a full game of Rocket League, the official Portal items are potentially rewarded at the end of every match, win or lose. All you have to do is keep playing until the match ends and your chance to earn a new Aperture-themed goodie of your very own.

What kind of Aperture-themed goodies, you ask? These ones!

• Cake (Topper)
• Conversion Gel (Rocket Trail)
• Propulsion Gel (Rocket Trail)
• Repulsion Gel (Rocket Trail)
• Aperture Laboratories (Antenna)
• Cake Sticker (Antenna)
• Companion Cube (Antenna)
• Personality Core (Antenna)
• PotatOS (Antenna)

Pretty awesome aren't they? You can start getting yours, FOR FREE, December 1."

This is all on top of the festive fun and post-apocalyptic DLC.

I'm not even going to pretend the game would still be playable if the gel trails actually acted on the cars and the ball. And yet...