As a culture, we're obsessed with sex and yet no one talks about it openly. Here's why ...
By Anne Stirling Hastings — Written on Mar 18, 2015
You tell your friends all about last night's dinner and concert, but do you go into detail about what you did sexually once you returned home?
You tell others what your husband likes for dinner and what time you go to sleep, but what about his preferences in bed?
Imagine you're sitting in a coffee shop and want to tell your friend that you got a lot out of the book, She Comes First. Do you wonder if the people at the next table will stop talking and listen in? Do you lower your voice? Do you stutter a little as you describe how your partner stimulates your clitoris, and what else you asked him to do?
Why? Because every single person carries shame about their sexuality.
Sadly, we live in a culture that sets sex apart as some sort of disturbing, hidden activity. We don't accept it as one of the NORMAL, healthy facets of being human.
Some people are so limited by shame that they can't even have sex. Others are sexual, but have to turn off their intuitive awareness and connection with their partner to avoid feeling it. Most can stay present and enjoy a range of activities, but still, the milder form of shame—embarrassment—is often present.
Think about the ways you feel embarrassed about your sexual behaviors, thoughts, and desires. Here are five of those uncomfortable, embarrassing or shame-filled areas and why we struggle with them.
1. You feel shame during ordinary conversations about sex. Did you expect this to fall at the top of the list? When I work with couples on sexual issues, almost every one admits they don't talk openly about what they do, what they like, and how they feel sexually.
Some "talk dirty" to get aroused before or during sex. But, few can comfortably say, "When you go down on me it feels best if you play with my G-spot at the same time as you lick my clitoris," or, "When you kiss my breasts it keeps getting better the longer you do it. And don't switch from one to the other because then it's starting over," or, "When you first go inside, if you take a minute to do it, I will get wetter. You can use lube if you want to go right in."
Facts; just the facts. You may think that you keep quiet so you don't make your lover feel criticized. But more likely, these words bring you discomfort, and so you avoid them.
2. Porn makes you feel dirty. Pornography is extremely common these day. Countless men in their 20s use Viagra to have sex because of hours of use, yet no one's really talking about it. Do your female friends or their men say what types of porn they like best? Which sites really work for them? No?
It's sexual shame that makes porn arousing, but even naming sex as dirty and nasty isn't sufficient to allow open discussion of porn.
3. Even mentioning anal stimulation brings up feelings of discomfort. What, he put his penis in where? Enjoying pain free, loving anal sex as a natural addition to other erogenous zones is completely possible. But, our perception of it as taboo and shameful interferes.
On one hand, we teach children from the earliest age that their butts are "dirty" and "gross", so it's no wonder we struggle with the idea of a lover touching us there.
4. The fear of homosexuality runs rampant. A large portion of men still fear being gay, even with the increasing acceptance of homosexuality in our country. They find anal stimulation entirely unacceptable, even repulsive, only because they associate it with homosexuality. Fear of being perceived as homosexual dominates their sexuality.
Men who include stimulation of their anus with a partner or when masturbating don't talk about it. Yet research suggests that a large number of heterosexual men are engaging in this activity. Men expect women to enjoy it, but won't admit they want to experience it, too. This makes no logical sense, but emotions take over. Perhaps in fifty years when society views homosexuality as just sexuality, this shame will have dissipated.
5. You must have a "perfect" body. Isn't how our bodies look a huge cause of shame? What will he think when he sees you without a bra holding them up, without tight jeans that project sexiness, the pants that push your butt into position? And those extra pounds, or softness where you think it shouldn't be? Men fear that their penises will be the wrong size or shape or, worse, not obediently erect.
Shame is the underlying emotion, that dreadful inward-pulling, clenching, cautious feeling. If he expresses acceptance of your body, and if his penis cooperates, then both of you feel free to go forward. It's always lurking in the back of your mind, isn't it?
This tragedy diminishes sex, as body parts have little to do with loving each other. When sexuality emerges from caring, it's at its best. When shame interferes, we cut off some of the loving. And it cuts off some of that sexual pleasure.
The characters in my Transformational Fiction novel, Bring Love and Sex Together: The Value of Healing Sexual Shame walk through the process. Grace heals her own, and brings together a group of women who look at all kinds of sexual issues, and learn how to heal them. Then read Sex Education and walk through body discomfort, sexual addiction, performance anxiety, difficulty talking about sex, and more. They face their discomfort, talk openly, and discover the causes of their shameful feelings. You get to walk along with them as they learn how to heal. Then you can, too!
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